A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have turned to DC for help over the years and never once have this lovely site and the wonderful aunts let me down. Thank you all, for your selfless advice and for helping people the way you do:)I feel strange talking about my problem but here it is. I am 40 years old. I have been married for 7 years and have a 6 year old daughter. I have a degree in engineering but have chosen to be a stay-at-home mom to take care of my daughter. I am extremely attached to my daughter, so much so that I have tremendous separation anxiety even for the few hours that she goes to school. I cannot function without her, I keep thinking about her, about how to be a better mother for her, about what she's going to study today, what she's going to eat, etc etc. She is a brilliant, beautiful, kind, gifted child who excels academically and in music. I drop her off at school and pick her up. My relationship with my husband is great and he just shakes his head when he sees me obsessing over our daughter. He's also very attached to our daughter but he's definitely more sensible than I am. We have chosen not to have any more kids because then I wouldn't be able to do justice to my daughter. I go into a full panic mode if I sense the slightest change in her voice implying a cold... I realise as I'm typing this I sound like a lunatic, but I'm putting everything out there. I spend hours with her, teaching her, and as a result, she does extremely well in class. She's loved by her teachers and peers though I'm sure the teachers think I'm one of those weird helicopter parents because I'm always there for her. The downside is that I have no life of my own, by choice. I sleep next to her at night and my husband sleeps in the next room because he snores and it disturbs our daughter. She too absolutely adores me. I couldn't say no to anything to do with her and breastfed her for 5 years.... Though doctors were horrified. She was eating solid food and everything but couldn't let go of breastfeeding and I didn't have the heart to tell her no. I don't have the heart to say no to anything when it comes to her... But obviously not at the cost of something that will harm her. When she's asleep at night, I find myself thinking, what on EARTH I'm going to do when she grows up and leaves the nest. I find myself sobbing helplessly at the very thought. My husband, parents and brother all try explaining to me to please let her be and stop behaving in this way because they fear I'll have a breakdown eventually if I don't control myself. I don't see why they say that. I have a very close relationship with my mother as well. I guess what I'm asking is, how do I get myself to be a bit more sensible? Is there anyone out there who can relate?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2023): You need therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy. Forget listening to amateurs. You are an amateur and look at the big mistakes you made and are still making.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2023): Honeypie, in response to your questions, she has a very close relationship with her dad and my parents. There are no cousins on either side. My brother has no kids and neither does my brother-in-law. She's got a lot of friends in school, is very social and popular amongst her classmates and teachers. She is a friendly, intelligent, dynamic child, might I say a precocious child.
I wanted a daughter and since I had her, I felt like I have everything. My husband adores her as well. You're right, she knows she is loved.
Honeypie and the lady who answered before you, thank you for not judging me. I am just terrified of my daughter ever getting harmed or hurt . Ever since I've had her, I feel like my heart is beating outside my body.... That's the best way I can describe it. I am so scared of letting go for fear of some harm coming to her. I have huge dreams for her but the thought of her going to college one day, away from me, is a nightmare. I know this is not normal, that is why I'm writing here. I start shaking when she so much as gets a fever. I feel so helpless about my feelings, it's exhausting. I am tired, believe me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2023):
 The line that struck me was this one -
"I don't have the heart to say no to anything when it comes to her..."
Telling a child NO is not a punishment. It's teaching them boundaries. There are sometimes LIMITS to what they can have, get, eat, how they behave, etc.
I can not imagine this being healthy for ANY kid.
Breastfeeding for 5 years... well, I personally think that it's a bit extreme and unnecessary. - However, I will not judge on that.
But back to what can you do? I think you need to see a psychiatrist/therapist/counselor. This is an unhealthy dynamic in the long run.
I also think sleeping with her needs to stop. You might have to do a weaning period of sleeping less and less with her.
Your daughter NEEDS to learn some independence and find her OWN personality, she needs to be her own person. What if she wants to have friends over for a sleepover? And SHE wants Mommy to sleep with her? Yeah, that would be weird.
I think you do what you do out of love and coming from a good place, but I think you are also being selfish- caring primarily about YOUR own needs and wants. You WANT what YOU think is best for her, and age 6, YOU know that better than she does. However, you can't be her everything and she can't be your everything. You are neglecting yourself and your husband.
I have 3 daughters. I think I have done justice to all of them. They are smart, hardworking, and independent, we have a close bond, and they didn't crumble over a no or two (or the many many many times they got a no). My middle daughter is 3 hours away at University and yes, it's scary and yes, I miss her. But I also know it's IMPORTANT for her growth to do her own thing. My youngest just got her driver's license and it's SCARY to know she is out there on the roads. But I also know it's part of growing up. Do I think I did everything perfectly in raising them? No, probably not.
I'd say talk to a psychiatrist/therapist/counselor and maybe pick up some books on how to raise an emotionally healthy child with boundaries.
You have built a LOVING foundation for your daughter. She KNOWS she is loved and cared for. Which I think is super important. But I think there are certain things kids learn from their peers. Social cues and social skills (good and bad lol) And she needs (over time) to DEVELOP her own self.
What relationship does she have with her dad? grandparents? Cousins? classmates? friends? Does she have any?
Go she the counselor/therapist for YOU. For your marriage. And for your daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2023): It's clear that you have a deep love and attachment to your daughter, which is a wonderful thing. However, it's also important to find a balance and ensure that you have a life of your own.It's understandable that you may have separation anxiety when your daughter is away, but it's important to remember that it's healthy for children to have some independence and develop their own identities. It's great that you are involved in her education and activities, but it's also important to give her space to grow and explore on her own.One suggestion is to gradually increase the time you spend apart from your daughter. Start with small steps, such as allowing her to spend time with friends or family members without you being present. This will help both of you become more comfortable with separation.Additionally, consider finding activities or hobbies that you enjoy and that can help you develop your own identity outside of being a mother. This could include pursuing your engineering degree or exploring other interests. Having your own life and interests will not only benefit you but also show your daughter the importance of independence and self-care.It may also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and help you work through your separation anxiety. They can offer strategies to manage your emotions and help you develop a healthier perspective on your role as a mother.Remember, it's natural to have concerns about your child growing up and leaving the nest, but it's important to focus on raising a confident and independent individual. Finding a balance between being involved in her life and allowing her to grow is key.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2023): There might be someone who can relate, but TBH it won't be me. Even taking into account all your best intentions and your great love for your daughter, if this story is even true ( and pardon me for saying that , but it so extreme -breastfeeding uo to 5 years !? - that leaves some space for doubt) - anyway this kind of fusional relationship is morbid and toxic, and might unwillingly do big damages not only to you, as you have already realized .
What you should do is seeing a professional, a mental health professional, to explore why you display such a dysfunctional type of attachment, and what can you do to unlearn your way of mothering and change it into something healthier and more conducive to make you and your child less codependent.Still mutually loving and caring, of course,but respectful of each other's individuality.
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