A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am currently in a relationship with a guy. We have been courting for almost two months but we have an issue regarding the sexual aspect. I am 24 and a virgin and 'not ready' whilst he is experienced. He keeps saying he loves me and is willing to wait, which I am happy about, but I don't want to try out his patience too much as he may go find some other girl or cheat on me. When we play in bed, however, I enjoy it, but the thought of penetration somewhat scares me which makes me turn him down for sex. We love each other and want to make it work but I am very confused, as I want to go for it too. Why am I awkward? How do I know when I am/will I ever be ready? Or is it best to we go our separate ways? It's not fair on either of us... Please help.
View related questions:
ready for sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Are you abstaining from sex due to religous reasons? Because you are scared? Because you want to wait till marriage? Or another reason?If it is because of religion or because you are waiting till marriage, let him know. There is nothing wrong with saving yourself for these reasons (or any other reason).If you are holding out because you are scared, let him know so that he will be extra gentle if and when you decide to take your relationship further.Whatever you decide is fine. Don't pressure yourself into sex because you are worried he will go elsewhere. Your have a right to have or not have sex. You will just "know" when you are ready.Good Luck!Jeff
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): What a lovely refreshing question, and NO that is not meant to be patronizing, or diminish how you're feeling, which is clearly very upset by NOT feeling ready to make love.
I said make love, as this is not just about being ready for sex, as though it's some technical, clinical function that should take place because a man is experienced, or you've been going out with someone for two months.
A man can wait, will wait, and won't see waiting as something to end a relationship with a woman for, providing he is genuine. If ALL he is looking for is sex, to move on to the next female, then yes, that may be the case. But you and your boyfriend do NOT seem to fit that criteria. Guys like a woman who is selective, who ways up IF they have enough together as a relationship to move forward. And two months is still early days, you are both just getting familiar and finding out IF you have the foundations for a long term relationship.
I don't know how often you see him, but if it's 2-3 times a week, just hanging out, going for a drink, a film etc, you are only touching the surface of getting to know IF he is the one you want to lose your virginity to. Your virginity is precious, only give it when YOU feel it's right, and you know you are going to be in a relationship, not just because you've shared a few dates, regardless of whether it's 2 weeks or two months.
I'm not sure getting into bed and then saying your not ready to make love is productive - meaning it will leave you BOTH confused, and feeling at a loss, as soon as you decide not to make love, there must be some cool off period, which depending on how well you connect, and both handle it, it may make you feel a bit distant for a while.
I also think getting into bed puts pressure on you, as if you're not quite ready, adding this pressure, may well have you saying no anyway. It kind of gives mixed messages too.
If you're not ready just yet, why not keep it to dating, lots of affection, kissing, fun, getting more and more comfortable with each other, and WAIT until you are bursting to get into bed with him. In my experience it will happen far quicker IF you don't add pressure to expectation, which being naked in the same bed is bringing - the promise of making love, when you're not sure if you're ready, and are likely to say no.
Forget time frames, forget about him going elsewhere, gosh, IF he would go elsewhere based on SEX, then this is NOT the man to lose your virginity to. Nor is it saying anything GOOD about him, as though he is some unfeeling, non-thinking, inconsiderate human being, and I'm sure he's not that. MEN also like relationships too, it's underestimated, but they do.
By the way, I waited six months to lose my virginity to my childhood sweetheart whom I married, so take this pressure off yourself and just go with your feelings.
You sound lovely together, so enjoy it..
Love Jilly x
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I seriously doubt that most of us were really ready when we lost our virginity. The questions you should focus on are these:
Do I love him?
Does he love me?
Do I want to remember him forever?
You will always remember your first. I think that ideally this should be someone who you are in love with. I don't regret my first time, but I regret who it was with. Unfortunately there is no changing the past. I think you're being frozen by the fear of the unknown. You will know when you are ready because you will want it. You will want him to be your first.
Take your time. There is no sense in rushing. If he doesn't stick around, then it is his loss. He may prove himself worthy as well. Follow your heart!
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
 Fair has absolutely nothing to do with deciding to lose your virginity.
Two months is not an earth shattering amount of time to wait to have sex with a man you are dating as it is apparant you are sexual in other ways, by playing around.
It may actually make him lose respect for you if you just give in when you clearly are not ready.
Why are you so nervous? Because you aren't sure about having sex, that is normal.
The best thing to do is to build the foundation of the relationship first based on friendship, which is what you have started out doing. Sex too soon can really screw that foundation up and make it less sound and then you are on the road to failure of the relationship.
So you aren't doing anything that is "unfair" to the both of you, quite the obvious.
When you have a better, stronger foundation, you will feel less nervous, your relationship will be in a different stage, have grown past the infatuation stage and a deeer attachment will have been forged. Then if you feel like sealing the deal with sex you will have less strife in your relationship and won't be rocking the foundation of it's very core.
Good luck to you, he sounds nice.
...............................
|
