A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My long term boyfriend (29) has really changed his appearance. He used to have gorgeous hair, wear good clothes and look his age. Recently however, he's started to look older and older! He now cuts his hair so short he's nearly bald looking and says this is just easier to maintain. His dress sense is also so different as he's now dressing like a middle aged very sensible man. I know that looks aren't everything, but we are a young-ish couple and I want to be sexually attracted to him, I'm just finding it really hard as he looks nothing like the sexy guy I fell for.He also used to be really athletic but them days seem to be over!I'd like him to be the sporty, fit, sexy man I know he could be but how do I fix this? I've tried subtle hints, but it leads to nothing.Once I said it outright and long story short, we had a bit of a row where he said he understands, but nothing changed.Please help! My libido is near deaths door! :(
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I recommend that you find someone who can mold you a blow-up doll of your B/F (using him as a model) before he becomes SO disgusting that you finally MUST dump him to assure that your eyes don't go blind from looking at him....
THEN, keep the blow-up doll in your bedroom..... for you-know-what.... and keep you guy on the hook to take you out to dinner and other social affairs wherein you are expected to have an animate partner/date.... and someone to finance your life.....
THAT should solve the dilemma for you....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Don't be subtle because he has a right to know that he relationship is at stake. People have a responsibility to maintain themselves for their partners. It is unfair to let yourself go and still expect your partner to be sexually attracted to you. Be blunt again.
If still he doesn't change then it is best that you break up. It is NOT shallow, the fact is that you are not attracted to him so the relationship has become a platonic one. But platonic relationships are not meant to he exclusive so it is a totally different type of relationship now. He is the only one who can fix this so if he wont then you need to break up.
If this really is the new him then you shouldn't try to change him since he needs to be himself. But you need to be yourself too and you just cannot make yourself feel attraction for someone you simply don't find attractive. So, if this really is the real him then all the more reason you should break up because it just means you're not compatible as romantic partners. You could be good friends but without sexual attraction it is not going to be a good intimate relationship so acknowledge that and break up respectfully so he can find someone more of his own style.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 August 2013):
Dear OP,
He probably feels more comfortable now than he felt some years ago, when he was out there, hunting, hungry for female attention. Now he's at home and happy. I guess it's kind of natural he's not trying as hard to impress you as he did before.
As far as I know, telling him he doesn't look good any more won't make him change, it will only hurt him and make him angry. No guy will happily change for a woman that hurts his feelings, he'll resist or resent the change.
I suppose you both are taking each other for granted and you both (!) are probably stuck in a day-to-day routine. So, if you want things to change, why not change what you do, instead of trying to change him?
Do you still dress just as sexy as before? Are you still as healthy and fit as before? If yes, good on you! You can try to change things by making him realize you're still an attractive woman and giving him the feeling he needs to make some effort to keep you. For instance, go out with your female friends, nicely dressed and make him guess how many guys want you, while he's waiting for you at home.
If you let yourself go a little as well.. then you've got the explanation for his behavior, you're both in relax-mode. Start to be the woman again that he fell in love with, maybe this helps?
If you think the advice I gave you so far is stupid, then the last thing I'd recommend is a compromise. Offer to change something for him if he changes something for you. It's a more respectful way than just demanding change.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 August 2013):
 Dear dieing libido,
Sounds like he is feeling his age. He may also be dressing more conservatively for his work. There are questions here that would help us advise you better. I'm willing to try to help you understand and will give you some advice.
Most men will want to choose their own look, many will demand it. Your guy may be making the mistake of changing his look to something more comfortable because he is in a happy relationship. Men and women both do this when they feel secure they stop trying so hard. It is typical for men to gain 10 pounds as an example.
He may be changing his look to fit in with the expectations of his work. Or he may just be feeling more mature (29 is a pretty big number). Many women find maturity appealing so there is not so much of a push for men to look young. I know you don't find it appealing.
Anyway if he no longer feels comfortably with the young edgy look there is only one way to get him to wear it. He would have to do it to please you. If it is a work related issue you will have to make some compromises. You may have to live with conservative hair, but he could wear what you like after work and on weekends. The best way to reinforce this is to shop with him. Make sure you tell him when you like something he wears. He needs to know what turns you on.
For example, I used to wear a mustache. My wife never said much about it. I wore it for a few years. Eventually I started getting comments from my oldest daughter that my mustache made me look less trustworthy. Some other women including customers expressed similar feelings. So I shaved it off. Wife did not say anything. My preschool son didn't like the change but he got over it. Years passed, my preschool son is now a teen. I decide to grow my mustache for a few months a year for prostate cancer awareness. I (for the first time) ask my wife how she feels about the idea of my growing a mustache. Much to my stunned amazement she says I love your mustache, please grow it.
Two lessons to be learned. First she allowed me space to define my own look. Second, if she had mentioned it much earlier she could have had me in mustache much more, because I changed it to please people less important than her, not for me. End of the story, I'm growing it now, and it will come off around the end of November. I'll probably keep doing it every year.
A thought question. Is there anything else about him that attracts you?
Final caution. If a man came here and said he wasn't attracted to his girlfriend because she looked older, pain would rain down on him from all sides. Be cautious when you tell him about your decreased attraction, men hide their feelings, but it will still hurt him.
FA
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A
female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (24 August 2013):
 You've already tried talking to him about it and nothing happened.
Perhaps take it to the next level? Suggest that the two of you have a break from each other and see what happens.
In the end if he still doesn't do anything then I would consider if you really want to stay with him or not. If you do decide that you do want to stay with him then you need to let it go.
Good Luck!
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