A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 32 years old and married to a man who never wants to have sex anymore. He can take it or leave it. I know he takes care of himself (porn) and we have had a million talks and fights about it. It has gotten to the point where I refuse to initiate because I want to feel desired. When I approach him he says I dont initiate either and we get nowhere.Every other area of our life is good. Do I leave him because we have no sex? Or do I cheat? I am so fed up with this, It causes me to be very moody and sometimes really get me down...HelpWe have been married 3 years together 8 yrs. No kids Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Eating beans and toast every Saturday? Well, that's just being Lazy, and blame is for both he and she.Some people are Afraid to take Risks in their sex life. And I'm not talking the Boring Porno flicks. I'm talking Real Life Living. Touching each others Souls in the bedroom. Can't we use our own imaginations for this? Our kids were gone, and we had the chance to groan as loud as we wanted...started wearing jewelry to bed...made a cd of 1980's love songs (stirred up feelings, don't laugh- it was fun!)...TELL what feels good to each other...well anyways I'm getting way off track. Like the other poster said, since you have no children, witholding sex is breaking the marriage vows, and I would tell him 1st why you can't continue to live this way, then leave. If he wants to work things out, good, but it's really sad and pathetic he can only get turned on with porn-- when you are a real warm body, with your love to share.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): I have a different take on your situation. You said all you want is to be desired, has it occurred to you that he may feel the same way? What have you done and said to make him feel sexy and wanted. Porn is an escape for a lot of men, its fantasy land. I am not saying it’s your fault, he seems like a lazy lover. You say you have had a million talks and fights about this, maybe it’s how you are communicating your wants across. The question is do you desire him? I mean really want him...honestly. Change starts by you, if he won’t change then you have choices to make .But never ever have an affair it hurts like hell when you are deceived.
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A
male
reader, sort it  +, writes (19 February 2009):
Firstly I do feel for you in this situation.I would say to you that most men after a while loose interest in thier partner sexualy for a while if they have been together for a while. Imagine eating beans on toast every saturday, eventualy you get board of it.I would suggest watching some porn together and study his reactions to what is happening on screen. Talk about what you are seeing. If you see something that turns you on say so. And let him open up to you what he is getting turned on by. Do not get upset and try to understand. If you see a situation that is turning both of you on then ask if he would like to try it. BUT only if you would be comfortable trying it. It maybe he has developed a fetish and dare not ask for it, for fear of your reaction, so show open mindedness to what ever you are seeing
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A
male
reader, Gate85 +, writes (19 February 2009):
I disagree that he has a porn addiction. That is too easy of an explanation. The problem is that he is likely not comfortable in your relationship. The porn is simply an outlet for that discomfort. Men tend not to have as much (or any) porn when they are comfortable and happy. I am discounting couples that enjoy porn together. I don't think that is the situation. You need to talk to him and see where his discomfort is. I am not saying this is your fault but there appears to be a need that he has that is not getting met. You may not be able to satisfy this need...again, not your fault.
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A
male
reader, gumbbo +, writes (19 February 2009):
Well no kids certainly makes things a lot less complicated. If you had them i'd say stick with him and try to sort it out. But to be honest I'd leave, you say he watches porn, so it's not as if he has a problem down there or anything. I can't imagine why he chooses porn over a real woman, he must be mad. Also he should at least wnat real sex occasionally and put it on you. What is up with that? In fact threaten to have an affair because you are so unhappy and your sexual needs are not being fulfilled. See what he thinks of that...
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A
female
reader, CeeBee  +, writes (19 February 2009):
I have a very close friend who is going through the same situation and feel for her loss of intimate connection with the man she has been with for nearly twenty years. I hope you and your partner can go to counseling for you both to understand why he does this knowing it hurts you so much. GOOD LUCK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Oh boy! I totally feel your pain. I was married for over 11 years and during the last 9 of those years, it was pretty sexless. Because of his addiction to porn, he wasn't interested in me whatsoever. I tried everything, including counseling but in his brain, he needed porn. I divorced him several months ago. That was one of the main reasons. Life is too short to be unhappy. Take the time to evaluate all of your marriage. If you're happy, it's worth working it out. If not, move on. Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Well living in a sexless marriage means that a huge part of it is missing. A relationship relies on both emation and physical contact. If he thinks he can replace you with porn, then he is just not that into you. You should never cheat because then you would be hurting too from the digrace of it. If he doesnt want to have sex with you then the marriage is not going to last all that long. without what happens in the bedroom, then you have a dissatisfaction with each other. If he is pushing you to cheat then maybe you should consider either couples counciling or divorcing him. A relationship is brought together by the love and affection you can show in both a physical and emational way and having sex brings you emotionally together. without this touching and exploring of each other then you dont have that closeness that comes from being with each other. If it was this way when you are dating, then it should have been a sign he was never going to change. Your husband is fulfilling his sexual desires with porn, meaning he is already cheating on you with the fake women dancing across his screen. I would suggest that if you cannot work it out with a councelor, then you need a divorce. You will be in a loveless marriage if he keeps going in the diretion he is heading now.
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