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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: As far as Im concerned im a loser compared to other people, Im a gay female and other gay females completely reject me, I have no gay friends(have 2 aquaintances that are very busy) Im not going to go to an event alone and be stared at for being alone.women judge and are nasty.Yes I work,(successfully mostly and I like and need my job,) and I have a tiny amount of friends I hardly see (as they have their own life, they are more like aquaintances.)How to stop comparing myself to other people,all ppl men and women, and try to see some good in myself?Im boring and a loser,I am not depressed this is how I am and this is reality. I need to face up to it, noone wants me as a friend or other.(Ive tried and im rejected 99% the time.) or anything else, Im a loser, Ive not much money and Im struggling as we all are, I cant afford expensive things like holidays or the latest electronic equipment/clothes and Im not even allowed a pet where I live. Im unusual looking,many flaws and ppl stare at times, how do I see the positive when everyone I know is a superstar in some way? and Im this weirdo taking up their space. Facebook makes it worse, noone comments on my posts and my younger sister and others get so many replies and love and likes, it makes me feel worse. yes its only FB but it hurts! I am grateful for a roof over my head, a job, a country that isnt in war and and my health, the simple things, thats all I have. I don't have a disability and I don't have aspergers or retardation, and Im not a bad person, so don't say that!Im just a "reject.. the one to avoid" the one to say "hi" to and then move on to another etc etc. Im not a nasty person and when I do see ppl I try to be nice, and am friendly and interested mostly, Im not desperate or needy. I know people have busy lives, Im not all ego or demanding or "all about me" Im alone 99% time when not at work, im never good enough for anyone, ever. "to quiet" "to boring" "odd looking" "not my type" etc etc Sometimes I dislike myself so much all I want is a little kindess, or a genuine friend, not juts a "coffee friend" I see one every 8-12 months..People are so busy and caught up with them, they have no time for new friends. All I want is a (nonsexual) hug sometimes but I have nothing and no one it seems, am destined to watch from afar.. The envy is consuming... its not fair. thankyou if you have read this far
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 OP, I have another suggestion, it may sound a bit of a stretch for you but please do not dismiss it right away, just have a look into it OK ?
You say you are quiet. Quiet is fine, not everybody likes chatterboxes. But TOO quiet is not good- you 've got to open the door for people to be able to come in. You may have inside you a treasure of ideas feelings and experiences to share, but if you never get them out, it's inevitable that you may be perceived as stuck up, boring ,odd or socially unfit.
So, there's this non profit organization called Toastmasters. Google it, they have clubs in 122 countries. Who knows , maybe there may be one near you. ( There are also other similar organizations but I don't know the names, you should be able to find them though with some Internet digging ). These are clubs which organize seminars, classes and meet ups to help you with communication, public speaking and leadership. Said like that it sounds very intimidating, actually it's not- at least so I have been told by a shy relative of mine who tried. Basically they give you a subject and you have to prepare a few sentences with your opinions about it, at first it's nothing complicated, just normal , everyday topics. Then they help you fix what does not work, be it posture, pauses, voice tune...- and in the meantime you break ice and get used to hear your own voice and speak up and say your opinion. It's a learn-by-doing thing, I am being told it's fun. Of course the first time it feels BLOOD CURLING to have to make this little speech about, say, the winter weather to half a dozen or a dozen or perfect strangers. But only until when you realize they are as TERRORIZED as you and more. You realize you are not the only one with a communication problem, and you help out each other. A bit like a self help group, but more social and fun.
Worth a try, maybe . At least, go Google it OK ? :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 February 2014):
OP, I have another suggestion, it may sound a bit of a stretch for you but please do not dismiss it right away, just have a look into it OK ?
You say you are quiet. Quiet is fine, not everybody likes chatterboxes. But TOO quiet is not good- you 've got to open the door for people to be able to come in. You may have inside you a treasure of ideas feelings and experiences to share, but if you never get them out, it's inevitable that you may be perceived as stuck up, boring ,odd or socially unfit.
So, there's this non profit organization called Toastmasters. Google it, they have clubs in 122 countries. Who knows , maybe there may be one near you. ( There are also other similar organizations but I don't know the names, you should be able to find them though with some Internet digging ). These are clubs which organize seminars, classes and meet ups to help you with communication, public speaking and leadership. Said like that it sounds very intimidating, actually it's not- at least so I have been told by a shy relative of mine who tried. Basically they give you a subject and you have to prepare a few sentences with your opinions about it, at first it's nothing complicated, just normal , everyday topics. Then they help you fix what does not work, be it posture, pauses, voice tune...- and in the meantime you break ice and get used to hear your own voice and speak up and say your opinion. It's a learn-by-doing thing, I am being told it's fun. Of course the first time it feels BLOOD CURLING to have to make this little speech about, say, the winter weather to half a dozen or a dozen or perfect strangers. But only until when you realize they are as TERRORIZED as you and more. You realize you are not the only one with a communication problem, and you help out each other. A bit like a self help group, but more social and fun.
Worth a try, maybe . At least, go Google it OK ? :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): In addition to what's been said, I'd say QUIT facebook immediately. It's encouraging you to hate yourself and draining your powers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou to those who responded, I am grateful anyone read my question, Im not meaning to be defensive but when you have been as ignored as me in yr life its hard not to be negative.
I am not giving up and will keep trying,to be positive, I have a lot of determination. One day I may meet another girl for me or maybe a caring friend.
thanks for reading
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont have aspergers!! have been tested and am insulted by that insinuation, not all socially alone people have aspergers!!! some of us are just quieter and so ignored! geees..
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 I had saved this url because it had a very powerful lesson: http://www.infobarrel.com/22_Habits_of_Unhappy_People
Here are a a few of these Habits of Unhappy People:
Loneliness (How you Choose to Socialize)
One of the biggest causes of unhappiness is loneliness. I'm not referring to having somebody special in your life; having a significant other doesn't mean you won't be lonely. Being lonely generally stems from lack of social stimulation. The technology age is definitely perpetuating this by means of text messaging, Facebook, Twitter and other 'Social Networks'. People are so addicted to these forms of social technology that they forget humans require real genuine human interaction. Socially insecure people tend to gravitate to online socializing because they have more control over the amount and timing of their interactions. Reducing face to face interactions tends to reduce social anxiety for less extroverted individuals. Unfortunately staying within your comfort zone, limits personal growth, and prevents the development of valuable face to face relationships.[11]
Don't have something to do tonight? Instead of commenting on everybody's Facebook statuses, give somebody a call and go out for a drink, you would be surprised how much better it feels to talk to a real life physical human being.
If you are single and feel like you need a significant other to be happy, I am going to be blunt, YOU ARE WRONG. You can't be in a healthy relationship until you are happy independently. Using somebody else as a crutch for your happiness is a one way trip to an unhealthy relationship. If you are struggling to find a companion, stop looking in bars and stop looking online. Consider joining activity clubs for singles or participate in a group activity that encourages socialization. You will meet like minded people who share more in common with you that booze or Facebook friends.
Letting Negative Thoughts Enter Your Mind
In the past I had this problem. Negative thoughts would enter my mind and I would let them stick around. They would then sit there, fester and take control of my emotions and my happiness. This got to the point I actually spoke to my doctor about it and he gave me this advice. When these thoughts enter your head, immediately think of something else. You choose what you think about, and the longer you entertain a negative thought, the more it is going to stay in focus. We are all human, and bad thoughts will enter our heads from time to time, but by being conscious of what you thinking about you can push them out of your head before they take you over.
Jumping to Conclusions
Jumping to conclusions is a huge source of not only unhappiness but also anxiety for people. Jumping to conclusions usually comes in one of two forms; Fortune telling and mind reading.
Fortune Telling is when a situation arises and you automatically predict that things are going to turn our poorly. Because of this fortune telling, you often take yourself out of these situations, which for the most part would end in a great experience. You lose out by having jumped to conclusions and predicting an unsatisfactory outcome.
Mind reading is when you automatically assume that others are negatively reacting to you or something you've done when there is no definite evidence. This can and will make you feel like a victim and can result in unfounded resentment towards these imaginary reactions.[2]
Magnification
Often times unhappy people have a tendency to blow small things out of proportion. Take a step back before you deal with an issue and try to look at it objectively. Often times if you try to take yourself and your emotions out of the equation and think it through you will realize that you are making a big deal out of nothing. If you still aren't sure, ask somebody you trust what they would do in this situation before losing sleep over it. [2]
Minimization
The exact opposite of magnification is minimization. Minimization is when you take real problems and instead of dealing with them, tell yourself they are insignificant. Unfortunately you can only sweep your problems under the rug for so long before they explode. People tend to ignore problems like debt, infidelity, obesity amongst other things. If this sounds like you, stop ignoring your ongoing problems, become actionable and take steps to fix them. Much like grudges, you will feel much better once these problems have been resolved.[2]
Self Labelling
How you talk to yourself can seriously affect your self image. When you make a mistake, tell yourself "You made a mistake, next time you will do better". Saying things like "You are an idiot", or "You are a piece of crap" does nothing but lower your self worth. This might sound insignificant, but you need to believe in yourself to be happy, and calling yourself names prevents you from moving on after you've made a mistake.[2]
Not Having a Goal
One of the most exciting things in life is setting a goal and accomplishing it. Happy people have a tendency to make both short and long term goals. Short term goals give you mini accomplishments that build self confidence and keep you motivated for the big picture. These goals can be related to anything that is important to you. Fitness, finance and hobby related goals are examples of goals you can set immediately. Successful people are constantly setting and accomplishing goals.
While lack of ambition has a tendency to lead to mediocracy and limited emotional satisfaction, unhappy people often set goals too. The problem with unhappy people's goals, is they tend to be unachievable. One study shows[12] that people suffering from depression often set goals that they are incapable of accomplishing When these goals don't come to fruition, negative self reflection begins. For this reason, incremental goals are extremely important to build self confidence and positive reinforcement for the goal setter. Start small, and build up steam, you are the only thing that stands in the way.
Worrying What Others Think
So many people spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to please others. This generally stems from the insecurity that other people are judging them. People do their hair a certain way, dress a certain way, and act a certain way in an attempt to fit in. All these things take so much energy yet in most circumstances the people you are friends with would like you regardless if you did the things you do to try and impress them. Stop doing things for other people and do things that make you happy. Go out with your hair a mess, wear a pair of torn up sweat pants in public and do it with a smile on your face. Your friends will like you regardless and if you don't know somebody, why do you care what they think.
Let Strangers Affect Your Mood
The world is a scary place. There are lots of pissed off people and people who want to drag you down to their level. If somebody gives you the middle finger while driving, smile back at them and let them spend their energy being cranky. Don't let somebody else's bad day control the outcome of yours. If you have to deal with a grumpy person, kill them with kindness. Often times your unfounded happiness will make them realize how big of a jerk they are being.
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Being healthy means that you take care of yourself. Obviously things happen that cause injury or you find a diagnosis like cancer or other disease.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): You have incredibly low self esteem.You seem full of self hatred.You seem extremely defensive, especially about your skin. You are frightened that people will hurt you even by saying something that will touch on a very sore point, and your hurt surrounding this is also anger and frustration.And you are really, really hurting and need love. There are people in the world who will give you this, they really will, but first of all you have to start just with you.Until you have a strategy to get you out of this situation you will keep hurting until you self destruct. You are basically self-sabotaging yourself with the way you treat yourself inwardly. It's like a form of psychological self harm. You are cutting yourself up before you can get going, during trying to get going, and after you tried. You don't say what led you to be friendless, mention nothing of your past.And I feel sure that you have gone through a lot of pain in the past and it has left you confused and bewildered.To get your life plan, your strategy in order, the first point of call is to sort out your self esteem. This is the only real foundation from which to build. Nothing else will make any difference until you do this, you are simply in too much pain and causing yourself pain by the way you are treating yourself. You are chipping away at your own foundations day after day.The two options are self help or therapy. Or a mix of both. Buy a good book about self esteem - you can go online to find one and get it delivered. Go to the doctor ASAP and tell him/her that you desperately need help. Don't take no for an answer from them.People care, they really honestly do. But you're going about things in ways that are not right for you. You say women can be nasty, yes they can in some situations, it's completely true. But not all of them. You are probably impatient to change things but it will take time to build yourself back up, from the bottom up, and it will become clearer and clearer what you really need in terms of friends, a lover. Right now you have put yourself in too desperate a state to know what is best for you from people - you are very vulnerable and would probably take anyone for a friend...it's honestly not the best way, you'll get hurt.It sounds corny and it will seem totally superficial but you need to start learning to love yourself first and foremost. I know you are probably thinking "yeah..right...and how exactly do I do that?" I can tell you it doesn't come easy, I've been as low as you although I know you probably won't accept that as true. But it will come. You have to build it, day by day. And accept that there will be shit days and good days and learn to take the knock backs and be kind to yourself until you feel you can keep going.The best way to think right now, of how to start this change is, if you were your own friend and you could see how much your friend were hurting, how would you treat you right now? Would you tell your friend she was freakish, to be avoided, unloveable, a reject, no hoper, useless, can't get on with anyone and never will? I don't think so do you? So STOP doing it to yourself. Learn to undo your hurting of yourself. Give yourself your own kindness and learn to accept that you deserve it.This is something that helped me most - be a friend to yourself, in fact be the friend to yourself that you know you could be to others. That's honestly the best way to begin. That, a good book and a doctor to recommend a therapist. It might take six months to a year to start feeling really strong, but if you intend on living until at least 70 then, heck, that time is one to be enjoyed. It's the time to turn yourself around in. Take the time, it's yours.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 February 2014):
If people wanted to date only supermodel types or those with flawless skin and hair, then most of us would go undated.
The truth is that most of us want to date likable, interesting people who appeal to us, people who make us feel good about ourselves and people we can bring home to friends and family and feel good about it.
If you think you are ugly, you are ugly.
If you think you are undateable, you will not find dates.
If you think you will wind up alone, you will wind up alone.
Sometimes I read posts like this here and wonder if the posters have ever been evaluated for Aspergers or depression… have you?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 February 2014):
Personally I don't see anything wrong with being very fair skinned, or pale as you say . I am very white too and I love it. But if you can't stand yur skin tone- that's a supereasy one to fix. Get yourself a nice selftanning lotion, now there are many that aren't greasy and do not leave steaks etc.etc. You apply them in the morning and in an hour or so , you are a nice natural looking smooth golden hue. And no, they aren't expensive. ( True and tried. I like being " pale "- but in the mid of the summer here, where everybody tans to a crisp, every now and then I yield to the temptation to not stand out too much ).
This of course won't solve your problems of poor self image, feelings of rejection and inadequacy, difficulty in social relationships, etc.. Those are issues that I think you should ask help for to a counselor, and maybe if you cannot afford that now, you could start saving up in view of going to see one in future. It would be an investment, an investment on yourself, and I think it might be helpful if not a lifesaver.
But, in the meantime, you need a confidence boost, something that makes you feel prettier and less " different ". So, if a dab of self tanner can give you that, why not giving it a try.
P.S: I also feel that there's nothing wrong with being bony- I wish I were naturally bony ! rather than having to struggle with the scale to keep fat at bay.
As for the acne, yeah specialists can be expensive, isn't there though any form of NHS in Australia ? Doesn't it worK like UK ?( uh-oh, this must be a stupid question )
Anyway, you say you can cover up the scars with make up, so I strongly doubt that you look like Elephant Man.
I would bet my front teeth that most of your oddity is in your mind. I bet that you look no odder than 95 % of females- those who are neither a Hollywood star, nor a dog.
And I bet that you are more a case for a counselor than for a plastic surgeon. But in the meantime, trying a suntanning lotion can't hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe cant all have great skin or hair or whatever
noone is perfect!!
im pale and bony and have acne scars, I wear cover make up and it helps a little
ICANNOT afford to see a skin specialist!! DONT suggest this!!!!! dont Suggest this!!
the fact is im no supermodel im not butt ugly but odd looking
it is what it is, ppl want to be friends and date supermodel types or thise with flawless skin and hair
im average, not butt ugly, i dont have money for designer clothes
i try my best but my personality isnt good enough.
im destined to be alone
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): Can you say more about why you describe yourself as unusual looking with many flaws and that people stare sometimes?
The reason I ask is that I think this may be getting things off to a wrong start with people - and that a little change or work may be needed to sort out that problem before giving any other advice.
You sound like a really decent person with no major hang ups apart from feeling very lonely, but you also say very little about this issue of what you look like and I'm wondering if you are trying to avoid saying more because it upsets you?
Can you describe what you think makes you look unusual or flawed and why you think people stare? If so, I will try to respond back and help.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 February 2014):
 Studies have been done that correlate increased Facebook use with increased unhappiness/dissatisfaction with one's own life. Trust me, it's not just you! It's very easy to look at what everyone else is doing on Facebook and feel like your own reality doesn't measure up.
The thing you have to remember about Facebook is that people tend to ONLY post happy news, or things that make them look good. There are a few who will air their dirty laundry all over the internet to get attention and sympathy but for the MOST part people are posting about their promotion, their vacation, their engagement, whatever. They're not mentioning losing a job, working lots of long hours, or getting cheated on by their partner, although these things happen almost as frequently! If you read FB often you may assume that your friends have perfect lives, but that doesn't mean they actually do.
Same goes for pictures - if I have one of me that is flattering and another that's less so, of course I'm not going to choose the 'ugly' one as the one I put up for everyone to see. The side of people you see on their FB profiles tends to be the BEST possible side of that person because each user has complete control of what (s)he includes in his or her profile. FB is very one-dimensional and almost fantasylike in that sense. What you see isn't who people actually are, so much as how they want the world to see them.
Have you anyone trusted, who knows you well, who could read over the written part of your online dating profile and suggest ways to spice it up? You sound like a good person, and looks are not everything, so if you have been honest in your profile and are still getting no interest then perhaps it's simply how you present yourself.
The simple fact is that online dating can be shallow as it's hard to feel chemistry with someone just reading over a profile. It's almost inevitable that people do some judging based on looks. What you really need is to catch women's eyes to get you that first date, where you can then let your personality shine through in person. Consider getting some professional photos taken (you may even be able to find someone just getting into the business and doing photo sessions that are inexpensive or even free to build his or her portfolio) to provide you with a profile picture that is eye-catching and flattering. I'm not saying you need to look like a model or use copious amounts of Photoshop to get rid of your perceived 'flaws.' Merely having a natural pose that makes you look healthy and confident and shows you in your best light is huge.
Keep a positive mind and an open heart and you are bound to meet someone who appreciates those qualities. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have tried meeting groups, year ago, but the women were super cliquey and will say hi but not talk to me, even though I try, some become possessive if the friends they may have there and think that am trying to "take them away" I have tried online dating, the past few yrs, though women are often clique there too, esp as im average looking and not "cute" or "super attractive" plus im older which makes it harder. Im not just talking dates!!, Im talking meeting friends too, there is something about me that makes ppl ignore me or say "hi" and then move on to someone who is witty or better etc....but will keep trying, don't want to be 70 and friendless but can see it happening if things don't get better.what about fb?seeing ppls posts on others walls, that makes me feel like crap.. I wont give up though, don't want to alone always
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 February 2014):
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down about yourself...
You make some really good points about things in your life that are positive (having your health and a job and so on) and this is a great attitude to cultivate and apply, as there are many who don't even have the things that you do. A lot of the problems we encounter in life can be "improved" simply by looking at them with a different perspective.
I'll give you an example. Three days ago someone smashed my car window and stole my purse with my ID and bank cards in it. Rang up a bunch of fraudulent charges before I was able to cancel the cards. My insurance wouldn't cover the car repairs. The police took my report and did nothing with the information. I was really upset about the whole situation at first and then I realized how much worse it could have been. So I'm missing my purse? Big deal, someone somewhere is missing their child. I bet that person would love to trade places and only have to worry about a missing purse. I felt small and stupid after that for being as upset as I had been originally.
My point here is, don't let the fact you are currently single and having a hard time meeting someone dominate your life or define how you act and how you feel about yourself. Try looking at it from the positive side and not the negative one. So you don't have a date to an event? Go anyway. No one is going to point and laugh at you. What they might do is find the courage to ask you out to dinner or coffee, since you aren't obviously "taken." Men don't typically approach women who appear to be with a date already and I can only imagine the same is true of women.
Can you provide any additional information on where and how you are trying to meet women? It would be easier to give more specific advice that way. But in any case your current routine does not seem to be giving you the results you want, so you might try mixing things up a little. If you mostly stay in, try going out more often. It doesn't have to be to a bar. It could be to a gym, a book club, a meetup group for an interest that you have, a volunteer organization for a cause you support, you name it. Many of these options are low or no-cost and would bring you into contact with eligible women you might not meet otherwise. As a plus you will know that you already share a common interest with anyone you meet in that way, which will give you something to connect over and to talk about.
Good luck and best wishes :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is the poster
sorry for length, this is my first post here, have heard this site can help.
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