A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a big problem separating my private life from my social life. And it is seriously effecting me now. I dint have social phobia in a classic way, but my family life is so full of pain and shame and grief, that basically I'm unable to meet with new people. It is because , I don't know how to handle awkward questions, what are obviously happening, when you just meet with new people.So shortly, my kids have an incredible, history of drugs , suicide, jail, etc. most things are still happening, so it is not just the past. I can't go into deep details , but trust me, it would make to the cover story in any magazine, or news... So what am I suppose to do, if they are asking me about my kids ,on a fancy dinner invitation, or other social occasions.Right now, my daughters boyfriend,s parents invited us for dinner, but my older son , just recently did something horrible to his wife,and kids,and there is a big scandal. How am I suppose to tell about my son, when they are talking about their great families, and the son who is going to medical school?I don't want to make this very long, but I hope you got , what is my question. I don't like to fake and lie, but I have to many pain, shame, and socially not expectable situations in my life. If I go meet the parents, I obviously going to embarrass my daughter.So how am I suppose to deal with this difficult situation.Thank yiou.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2014):
 when asked 'how is your son?' you reply
"He's doing the best he can at the moment" and leave it at that. or 'I'd rather not talk about it right now" is also acceptable.
nowhere is it written that you have to discuss anything you don't want to with anyone but a therapist or a partner (and those are hard enough)...
and I totally agree that grown children are NOT acting out to get attention.
ADULT children make their own mistakes and I do not think it's reflective on you or your parenting.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 May 2014):
I think awkward situations have a way of making us spill out either the truth or stuff that resembles "too much information".
They are really not awkward questions. But they are in fact general and very basic questions. You just over think the question because you recall all the hurt and pain associated with the topic. The think the trick is to be truthful but understand their point of view. If the parents ask questions, give them answers but not details. The parents only want to get to know you and your family but they dont need you to pain the picture for them. You don't owe them the promise of analyzing your family.
"How is your son etc"
"He is fine, he is in this new job of xyz and has been in it for a length of time. I am very proud of him. I just feel bad for him because he is going through some rough times in his life so we are trying to be there for him as much as we can". I left out details but I answered their question. I am not lying in my answer but rather giving an appropriate answer by keeping to THEIR subject/topic/focus which is Family.
I think it would be best to get this into a practice by talking out loud some answers to questions they might ask. I assume it would be the same questions you would also want to ask as a parent. So think of your answers but say them outloud to yourself in a calm manner. I suppose you should do this somewhere private so you can get the repetition in.
I hope this helps some. I understand that as struggles consume us, it does indeed blur the lines between public and private.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): Just to clarify it. My son didn't do anything to my daughter's boyfriend 's family.He just did something bad in his own life, what has nothing to do with the boyfriend 's family. I hope it is clear now.
The question was regarding to , how I can answer their question's without painting a very humiliating picture about my family.
It doesn't have to be a rude question , like howls your son doing, and how are the children ?
And I just can't talk about it. It is hurtful, and shameful.
It was strange, that someone blamed me here, cause it is one of the fear I have , that would happen.
Yet it is wrong , because my son had a very good childhood , so yes. This is what I was talking about.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 I'll tell you something dearheart. Every single one of us has skeletons in the closet. No family is picture perfect, even the ones who pretend to be. Lose the fear of being judged. Lose the shame and the guilt. You have to make peace with the fact that your family is struggling to overcome issues, hardships, inner demons, call it whatever you want. In a way, you have to own, stand up for, be proud of your family.
From personal experience I've found that joining a support group really helps with this process. You discuss and hash out all of your fears, and you listen to other people's stories, and then you realize that you are not alone, and they help you by pointing out all that's good in your family and all that you should celebrate, rather than fear or hide.
If people judge or reject you because of your family, then they are not worth having in your life. You have to get to that point where you don't give a hoot what other people think about you or your family. He that has no sin, let them cast the first stone. No one has a right to judge you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 PS. I just read the other posters response... And I want to tell you I think it's nonsense. Your children are not children, they are adults, and they are responsible for their own actions. You are not at "fault" for whatever they do as adults. If they have childhood problems then it is their job, as adults, to get treatment. You are not responsible for what they do as adults. They are individuals, after all, not an extension of you.
While surely, 5-year olds might act out if they don't get enough attention at home, then it would be your job as a parent to change things... But we're talking about ADULTS here. The same logic does not apply then. The cops will not arrest you if your son commits a crime, because they know you aren't the one to be held responsible for the actions of another adult. So ignore comments about this supposedly being your fault.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 May 2014):
I know how you feel, I've encountered the same situation many times. Especially when people ask me about my father for example, whom I don't actually talk to and don't meet and don't really bother to know where lives or what he does. Yes, people do find it strange. I don't go into details, simply, I leave the question hanging in the air. Maybe they get offended that I don't answer, but all the same it isn't any of their business to begin with. While it is standard small talk, anyone with social antennas will also back off politely once they get a hint that this is a non-topic, and will change the subject.
If they don't change the subject just change it yourself.
Example, say someone I don't know and who doesn't know me and my family asks me "Where do your parents live", I will answer "My mother lives (insert place)". I might not even answer about my father at all, just deliberately leave him out. Most people take the hint. If they keep asking "And your father?", I would probably answer loosely the part of the country I believe he resides in, or the region he's in. Without specifying it. Some people, sure, do keep asking, because some people really can not mind their own business. If a third question is asked I will normally bite them off by telling them I prefer not to talk about it, or just change the subject. Such as "enough about that, how about you, please tell me about your family", or something.
Like someone from work once started to pry into my relationship with my boyfriend, she even asked what size bed we sleep in! You know, people don't have the right to an answer just because they ask. You don't have an obligation to tell them anything you don't want to. You can say it is personal, or you'd rather not talk about it, or just change the subject instead of answering. Or just be a little rude, and talk to someone else. It IS none of their business to know, and it can be rude of THEM to ask intrusive questions, even if they formulate them as "normal" questions. It is actually none of their business to know.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Morning,
If the boyfriend's parents are tactful and as 'good stock' as you are saying, then they will not want to bring it up. You said your son did something scandalous to them. They presumably know he was your son, so wouldn't want to bring it up.
The types of questions you are fearful about, don't usually come up in social situations. It is normally "hi, how was your day", "did you see Richard at the tennis court" etc.
I get from your post, and I'm sorry to say this. I think your kids act out to get your attention. It may be that you have a busy social life, were always quite distant or unapproachable. So like so many other children, they found out that it didn't matter whether it was good attention or bad attention you gave them.
Have you sat down and asked why they act out? You'd be surprised about the answer. I counsel a few older children from households like yours and honestly, 8 in 10 times it's because they felt the parents never gave them any love or attention.
The problem is when you start to pay them more attention when they are bad, they get really good at being bad.
I would worry less about the social situations, and concentrate on putting your family back together. Again, I'm sorry to be blunt and hope you don't take offence. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (3 May 2014):
 You say that your son has caused a scandal, so it sounds like you expect your daughter's boyfriend's parents will be aware of the situation, if not the details. If the parents are polite they won't bring it up. If for some reason it is brought up be prepared with a line like, "yes we are facing some challenges as a family" and leave it at that. Just because someone asks does not mean you have to give them the whole truth. You set boundaries and stick to them. If pressed, you could add, "as you can imagine it's an uncomfortable situation and I'd prefer not to discuss it." Be firm and polite, say it with a smile, and there's no reason for your daughter to be embarrassed -- on the contrary, she will be impressed by your poise, manners and dignity.
When we're going through crises they tend to be all-consuming. We can't do anything but dwell. Perhaps this dinner invitation is their attempt to help you by taking you away from the crisis for an evening, providing congenial company and conversation. So show up prepared to talk about your favourite book or movie or hobby or travel. Acknowledging their justifiable pride in their son is perfectly reasonable and correct, and doesn't have to lead to a discussion of your son and his shortcomings.
Don't forget that by and large people will follow your lead. If you present yourself as composed and friendly and bring up innocuous topics they will run with it. If you show up self-conscious and distraught you're opening a door to somewhere you don't want to go.
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