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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How to say no to a friend?My childhood friend wants to come for Christmas with his new bf. Due to the COVID pandemic, this is not OK with my husband and me. Otherwise we would be happy to have have them stay with us over the holidays.My problem is that people around me mostly live their lives as if the virus wasn't real. They do not respect government measures, which among other things sometimes do not encourage and during peaks even openly forbid visiting and staying with other people.We see our friends from time to time, but when we do, we wear masks. None of our friends do. They act as if everything is normal and they are uncomfortable because we wear masks and respect physical distancing. We get asked an awful lot WHY we wear masks, even though we live in one of the countries which was badly hit by the virus.So, I don't know what to say and not offend him. I don't want to sound preachy just by saying that due to the pandemic we cannot have them here. I don't think it's preachy, but some people do.I hate to have to explain myself. For me the pandemic and the government measures are reasons good enough to be patient and wait, I don't want to give another more personal reason, because I don't think I should justify my actions that coincide with the law, so to speak. I have an autoimmune disorder and use immuno-suppressants and cannot risk having people at my home at this moment. People react better when I tell them this, because they feel that I have "a real" reason to be careful. But I just don't get that. So should I play this "I'm a person at risk" card or be "rude" (according to most people's standards, as I discovered) and say that during the pandemic we cannot have anyone over.Thank you!
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female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (29 November 2020):
 Stick to your guns on this. No need to feel the least bit worried if others don't like your decision. If they were real friends then your choice - especially considering your health issues-, shouldn't effect the friendship in the least. They should have already given that some consideration I would have thought. A true friend would respect your wishes. I would just say sorry, this year it's not going to be possible. As others have said, you are perfectly entitled and wise to have concerns around this virus and the pandemic. In my country it is fairly well under control, at this stage anyway. We took it very seriously from the get go and have been lucky because of it. The majority of us would do what ever we were required or needing to do to protect ourselves and others as citizens of this country. Those who seem to think it isn't a big deal and to hell with everyone else, kind of tick me off. People ignoring the advise because it somehow impacts of 'their rights' are pretty selfish. I think they are pretty moronic and must be deaf, dumb and blind not to be seeing how serious and contagious Covid is. Stay true to what you feel is best for you and your family and immediate circle, health professionals and experts are advising people make the kind of decisions you want to make. It is a no brainer for me, I also have an auto-immune illness and wouldn't wish to take any risks for myself and others just to appease those who seem to have no regard for anyone other than themselves. (sorry to sound harsh, just makes me a bit angry!)Your opinion on this is the right one from my point of view.......Let this friend know it is not going to be possible for him and his partner to come for Xmas this year. If he is a true friend he will respect your wishes and be okay with it. He can risk his own life, but not put others lives at risk in doing so!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): P.S.
"So should I play this "I'm a person at risk" card or be "rude" (according to most people's standards, as I discovered) and say that during the pandemic we cannot have anyone over."
It's not "rudeness" when you stand-up for yourself, or what you know to be good wisdom and prudence; when others disregard safety-precautions and gamble with your right to live. Politeness is stupidity when you let people walk all over you; because they see things differently from what you do. How is it "rude" to insist on protecting yourself? Maybe you can explain that?
Who's responsible for your life and safety more than you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): P.S.
"So should I play this "I'm a person at risk" card or be "rude" (according to most people's standards, as I discovered) and say that during the pandemic we cannot have anyone over."
It's not "rudeness" when you stand-up for yourself, or what you know to be good wisdom and prudence; when others disregard safety-precautions and gamble with your right to live. Politeness is stupidity when you let people walk all over you; because they see things differently from what you do. How is it "rude" to insist on protecting yourself? Maybe you can explain that?
Who's responsible for your life and safety more than you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): People who don't choose to wear masks as suggested by health organizations around the world, their local-governments; and as adamantly suggested by medical health-experts and epidemiologists, have a right to risk their own lives any-way they wish. Being intimidated by them; while they have the courage and audacity to circumvent and ignore all wisdom to prevent the spread of a highly contagious and dangerous disease is cowardice and foolish! That is, if that isn't what you believe.
There is no written right or law to suggest you have a right to risk the health and wellbeing of another person. If they want to risk struggling for breath on a ventilator, kill their own loved-ones; then more power to them! They have no right to force their ideology and choices on you or me! I've worked in the medical field, and I've seen people die. Slowly and in agony! I have great empathy for the doctors and nurses who risk their lives, and working beyond exhaustion; trying to keep-up with the climbing numbers of covid-infected patients. Some who have died of the virus themselves! Who cares, right?!! They think we'll never run out of people to care for the sick, or hospital beds to put them in! Then so be it!
When tragedy hits home, that's when fools realize!!! That's when reality sinks-in!!!
I am sick to death of this divisive political idiotic-nonsense!!!
You are the king and queen of your castle. You have the power to rule over your domain! When you set foot in the homes of others, do you not observe their house-rules? Do you not respect the wishes of your host(s)?
Why are you too intimidated to demand what you want in your own home??? Why would you care about what they say, if they don't care how you feel about what they're doing against your will? What gives them authority in your house?
Either you will live a life of conforming to things you don't agree to; or you will submit under intimidation in order to maintain friends at any cost! Friends are replaceable. Family-members and your own lives aren't!!! Even if family-members ascribe to the doctrine that they are defying the government by ignoring health-warnings and suggestions for preservation of life; you maintain your equal right to protect yourself and your family.
I think self-preservation trumps anybody's decision to play Russian roulette with their own lives. I'm not a lemming, and I'm not going over the cliff with the others! I plan to die according to the will of God, in the time He decides, and by no other means! I will not commit suicide or murder. I know the cost of ignorance. The warnings are loudly being given to us!
I'm a Christian. Throughout all of the foolishness and disaster; I have sought the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. I pray everyday for others, my family, and myself. I have turned to God for His holy guidance. Thus far, He has preserved my life, and by His grace; the lives of those I love. Praise Him for His grace and mercy! May He also preserve you and yours, and give you the courage to do what you know is right for you, your family; and all those you love. Even those you do not know.
I will wear a mask in public, when in the presence of others, and I will limit contact with friends/neighbors/elderly-people; and I will practice social-distancing. It's not even hard, except for confrontation with fools who disrespect my choice to do so. I don't care what other people say or do. God rules in my life! They will not enter my house without wearing a mask, and I will close (if not slam) the door in their faces; should they dare to resist my house-rules! I haven't had to, thus far! Thank God!
You make your own decision. You don't need other people to tell you what to do in your own home!!! You must do what you know is right. When you stand before the Lord in judgement; you will be judged and account for what you've done. Not for others! Will they be there to explain to Jesus why you chose to ignore what you know in your heart to be right? No! They'll be worried about their own souls! They couldn't care less about you! Neither now or then!
Can they give you life? Then what right do they have to risk it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): HiWe are all having to make difficult choices at the moment, rightly or wrongly due to a disease that can and will wipe people out. Manners are at the bottom of the list at the moment and we need to speak up and accept that everyone has and is making sacrifices( that we are all unhappy about).I have had to a couple of people who will still call to our home, no!!! sorry but you can not come in at the moment and should no better etc, I get annoyed that they have put me in a situation where I have to be blunt(they should know better). I have even got a friend who is annoyed with me because our Christmas plans are off the agenda and I have had to explain why, and they still just don't get it.The virus is very real and although it may well be ushering in something else at the same time that I personally am not in agreement with, but we have to protect each other.This is life and death we are talking about not who am I gonna pull a christmas cracker with now situation.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 November 2020):
 I second Honeypie's advice to go with the autoimmune explanation.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 November 2020):
 I think this all boils down to everyone respecting the views of others and allowing people to live their lives as they see fit. I don't think there are actually many people who don't believe the virus exists; they simply choose not to live in fear. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. Each one of us could not wake up tomorrow for a thousand reasons. (I say this from the heart as I lost a friend in her late 30s to an undiagnosed heart condition. She was making a cup of coffee one Sunday morning, feeling absolutely fine, then keeled over dead. Nobody suspected it, least of all her.)
I do understand your reluctance to have your friend visit, as you are scared for your health. It is your prerogative to live your life as you choose and to protect your health as you see fit, just as it is the right of others to live their lives and they see fit.
You know your friend well so you must surely know the best approach in this scenario. Will he understand your desire to "respect government measures" or will he take this as "preachy"? Assuming you wish to keep him as a friend, give consideration to his feelings and, hopefully, he will respect your decision and understand it.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 November 2020):
 Personally, I would go the ". I have an autoimmune disorder and use immuno-suppressants and cannot risk having people at my home at this moment."
Because no one can "argue" with that. Most people would absolutely respect that too.
People will argue all day long whether or not to wear masks or social distancing.
While I'm not a fan of the masks (and I don't think they are all that effective) I DO wear them in social and public situations, because we are ASKED to do so (like in stores etc.) It's no skin off my nose to wear one.
Common sense went out the window in 2020
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