A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, I've lived in a toxic home my whole life for almost 3 decades, and after finally breaking away, I feel better than before. In a nutshell, living alone is the most amazing thing ever. I don't yearn for there to be anyone there by my side 24/7. Doesn't mean I don't like inviting friends/family over, but I don't need someone there all the time.I still would love to have a boyfriend however, but am scared that I will not want him to live with me if we ever get married. (I do not think I have the desire to have children) I don't know a lot of people who would be okay marrying someone who doesn't want to live with them. I think I'd be open to seeing them a few times a week and even having them sleep over, but to share my living quarters with them everyday, the thought of it gives me doubts.Although I wish I moved out sooner, I think it all happened for a reason and taught me a great deal about relationships and life. However, am I too damaged to have a marriage? People may say "Oh there's people out there who would want to live on their own too!" But how many people like that are out there? And I personally don't see the type of man that I am into being gung-ho about that idea.I am scared that I'm the product of family dysfunction and will just have to live with the consequences. Is it pointless for me to look for someone if at the end of the day they may not want to live the kind of life I am hoping for?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, I appreciate all of your input—each and every one
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2020): Why is getting married important? Lots of couples are very committed to each other - more loving, loyal, supportive, caring and nice to each other than married couples. They may both have their own homes and see each other a lot, and when they do see each other it is quality time, not one standing in the kitchen peeling potatoes while the other has a shower and cuts their toe nails. Some married couples are together all day barely speaking or being in the same room - what is so fantastic about that? I wonder how many of these couples are really happy and not just together because they got married and have tied up their finances and assets or have children? As two people who meet up a lot you can be sure you are seeing each other because you enjoy it, not because of promises you made and maybe regret from years ago. The only downside is that you have to work at it more if you are not married, you cannot take each other for granted for fear of losing them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2020): People marry for all different reasons with their own rules and wants. Most will expect you to conform or be the same as them - but they have no right to decide that for you. Many of them have no idea of your past, no idea of what real problems are, so they are not in a position to give judgments, advice or find fault.One of the reasons you probably think you would never want to live with someone is obvious to me - but why would you presume that you would be marrying someone who wants to? Sylvester Stallone's mum is married to a man who does not live with her - he visits her weekends. Both are very happy. He is good looking, a plastic surgeon, very rich, he would not be happy with that if he wanted something else, he is not a loser who has to make do.There is also the possibility that if both of you worked hard and were smart about money and saving you could have a home each and visit each other regularly, or live in a much bigger home where you are not under each other's feet boring each other or suffocating.I don't believe that marriage is about having children. I do believe that you should give as much as you take and not rely on the other person to provide a lot for you if you provide them nothing in return. Those are the marriages that go wrong and where the giver ends up wising up and getting a divorce. I do agree that if you want children you should be married, but there is nothing wrong with being married and not having them.I was with my guy for many years before we lived together in the same place - we saw each other a lot, far more than many couples who live together do. We only moved in together because of the lock down/ virus - we would have both been very happy anyway. It is more about having the right person and same attitudes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): Perhaps the best bit of your communication is about how happy you are now that you are the one who is in charge of your life.This should be a wonderful time of healing for you.However I was surprised that you held the belief that you should get married!You simply don't need to get married at all!It's not an essential part of life!There is no burden on anyone to get married at all.It is simply a choice.Many people consider the financial aspect of it and make their choice accordingly.It is unusual that anyone who has been caught in an abusive situation would even contemplate marriage unless they had a compelling reason.It must be ingrained into you that marriage is the only route you can follow because thousands of people quite simply choose not to.I think that the idea of getting married but not to live together is totally unrealistic.Why on earth would you want to legally tie up your assets and earnings with someone you couldn't trust enough to live with on a day by day basis?Marriage would not improve your life at all.I think you just need to rethink your dreams and take it step by step, day by day, completely dropping the idea of marriage until you feel you have to settle down together.Otherwise it gives your partner an enormous hold over you and your life even though they are too distant to use the same bathroom towel. I would say marriage is right off the cards until you really feel it would be a good thing in the traditional sense.Otherwise guys are going to think you are a soft touch and you will be treated as such by unscrupulous males willing to take advantage of you.And that would put you right back at square one after all your hard work.Be honest and tell anyone you are not looking to get married for a long while yet.And be careful about who you choose to be romantically involved with.You don't want a life of one night stands like the sex in the city gals.What you want is a compatible partner whom youre comfortable making realistic plans with, so you don't want to rush at the chance.It takes time to get to know a person so please feel secure in the knowledge that you have plenty of time to meet a person who is capable of creating a lasting relationship without any elements of abuse.Remember that you develop a tolerance for abusive behaviour if that has been part of your background in life.Most people pickup 'red flags'or warning signs way before they get trapped and then they make sure that is not part of the long-term behaviour of anyone around them.Then they might consider marriage as a long-term option.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2020): My sister never wanted kids. She was always adamant and told every partner she had that she never wanted them. UNTIL - she met her husband. After they got married she decided that she did want kids with him. She told me she changed her mind because she realised her husband was the one and the thought of creating children with him made her happy. She was 37 when she had her first child and 39 when she had her second. The point is - circumstances change and people’s opinions/wants and needs change. You may feel like that now but it doesn’t mean you will always feel like that. You may meet someone you care for and love dearly and will want to live with them and spend your life with them. I’m the same as you - came from a really toxic childhood. This is the reason why my sister never wanted children too. When I finally escaped and was living on my own I too loved every second of it. I lived alone for about 10 years. I learnt how to be independent, how to make myself happy. I then met my husband and we moved in together. Although I loved living alone - living with him was sooo much better. It was better because I loved him and wanted to be around him as much as possible. We were starting a life together. When he went away for work I missed him. When you meet the right person your feelings will change. I am greatful for the time I did live alone because I learnt so much about myself in that time. Mainly how to make myself happy without anyone else. But I’ve also learnt a lot about myself by living with my husband. Both are completely different but living with my husband is so much more rewarding and enriching to my life. One thing I’ve learnt is never say never. It’s ok to want to live alone but feelings change all the time. You won’t know for sure until you meet the right person.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 November 2020):
 You suffered nearly 30 years living in a toxic home and have only just recently broken away (well done for that). Of course it is all new and wonderful. I remember feeling similar when I bought my own place. It was just bliss.
I do think you are jumping the gun here. Assuming you don't currently have a boyfriend (you don't mention one), you don't know how you will feel by the time you get into a relationship. Yes, there are people out there who are happy keeping separate homes but, also, your feelings may change once you are actually in a relationship. You may find you want to share every day with that person.
Personally I wouldn't worry about this at all. Enjoy your own space for a while. When you meet someone you are happy with, take it slowly and see how you feel. If it doesn't feel right, don't move in together.
Wishing you all the best.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 November 2020):
 I think you are putting the cart before the horse, OP
If you can't see yourself living with a spouse, you aren't ready for marriage.
Unless of course you find someone who WORKS away from home, travels a lot for work or have the same general idea of being married but not living together. Which I think can happen, in the first 2 examples, the latter? Not so common, I think.
But why not ENJOY your newfound freedom and independence and just enjoy it without having all these "what if scenarios"?
I can't imagine many people being "YAY! let's get married and NOT live together and NOT share our lives on a daily basis IN person." That is what people who are DATING do.
You never know though.
Take one day at a time.
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