A
female
age
30-35,
*hewalkingstatue
writes:My boyfriend and I have officially been together two months today. I know that may not seem like a very long time, but things became serious very quickly. We met in September and it was love at first sight the moment we walked into class (he is a junior and I am a senior in college) – but he had a girlfriend at the time that he was unhappy with. We quickly became best friends, since that’s all we could be, talking all day every day. Things escalated, and we flirted constantly. But we never crossed the line. He finally broke things off with his girlfriend of 1 year in November. After many months, we were finally able to be together, and it was just as magical as we had hoped. We had fallen hard for each other, and were so excited for our future. Unfortunately, winter break stood in our way, but we made plans to visit each other. The plans became reality and we met each other’s families and had the most amazing week of our lives. I had never felt this way about anyone before. He was everything I could ever hope for in a guy. Though it had moved fast, it felt so right. We were so deliriously happy and so in love. We returned to school and things were still perfect, and we worked to find a balance between seeing each other and staying on top of our schoolwork. We made plans to go away for spring break together, and intern together somewhere this summer. Everything turned upside down in the beginning of February. Suddenly, his ex-girlfriend contacted him out of the blue wanting to talk, and being the kind guy he is, he wanted to make things cordial between them. However, it did not go this way, and she blamed him and their breakup for all of her current struggles (counseling, depression, failing the semester at school because she left early). She filled him with horrible guilt, and this triggered a terrible downward spiral. The boyfriend I knew had quickly disappeared. I felt like I didn’t know him anymore. The happy, funny, bubbly and positive guy that I fell in love with was just gone. I tried to figure out what was happening, preaching to him about the unfair guilt trip that she had bestowed and trying to get him to remember our wonderful relationship, but it was no use. He was pushing me away and being so cold and it was breaking my heart. I soon realized that this problem wasn’t going to go away easily; he had fallen into depression with anxiety attacks. Once I realized that it was not “him,” but the depression that was acting this way, I was able to deal with it better, promising him that I was going to be there for him and that we were going to get through this. I started to do research on the situation and found that just weathering through it was best, if I was able to do so. I felt like I was up for it. Though difficult, it was better than separating. I was not going to let our amazing relationship go, we had too much potential and too much future ahead of us to let this destroy it. I kept reminding him that this wasn’t permanent, and we were going to get through it together, taking a step back from the intensity we had started with. We both made appointments for counseling, and things seemed to be leveling off. We still enjoyed the time we had together, and though slow, it felt like things were heading in the right direction. Then suddenly, he threw a curveball this weekend and asked to take a break. I had thought about it too, of course, but I felt that it wasn’t the right thing because it wasn’t for the right reasons. He said that when we were together things were okay, but when he was alone, he had panic attacks. He wanted to take a break because he felt like he couldn’t be in a relationship right now, because he couldn’t give 100% to it, and the time commitment of it was just too much to handle. I understood that already, since I was ready to be there for him as he worked to get better, and take a step back from the time and intensity of it. But he couldn’t come to terms with being in a relationship where he wasn’t putting in his all. He told me he still had feelings for me, he just couldn't feel anything because he feels so numb. He then started saying that he just needed to be single, and needed to remove the stress of our relationship and worrying about me. He wanted to stop hurting me. I told him that he wasn’t, I just wanted to be there, and that breaking up would hurt me more. He still wanted me to be there as a friend (and probably friend with benefits), but I told him that I couldn’t be there for him anymore if we broke up, because I would need time and space to heal and get over him. He didn’t want that, and didn’t want to completely ruin the future potential of our relationship, so we moved back to possibly taking a break. We ended up deciding on a sort of indefinite break, checking in every now and then to see if he was ready to be together again. We settled that we would try to hang out at least once a week, and that we would not see other people. Either way, we have a class together so we’re going to see each other twice a week no matter what. Thinking about this decision afterwards, I don’t know if this is the right thing. I don’t think I can handle this state of limbo, and I would much rather still have the distinction of being in a relationship while taking the necessary steps to give him the space and time that he wants for the moment. From what I have read about depression and relationships, it seems like the best thing to do is NOT to leave them alone, and just physically be there, otherwise the depressed partner will just wallow alone. All I need is the distinction of still being together, and I can handle that. I can be the friend he needs at the moment, but still within the technical relationship. It’s all just a technicality, but it’s important to me. I just don’t believe that our relationship is what is holding him back. He is pushing away something that still gives him some happiness. I want to, and am ready to be there for him, and he’s not letting me. I don’t know how to convince him not to worry about our relationship and just give me a chance to be the friend he needs. I can’t believe how much this has spiraled out of control, how we went from being so in love to being on the edge of losing everything within two weeks. I love him so much and I don’t want to give up on our relationship. We have so much untouched potential. I know my boyfriend is still in there; he just can’t function right now. I don’t think he’s in the right mind to make such a permanent decision like breaking up. Our respective counseling appointments have not even occurred yet. I feel like they will help him a lot, and there’s no use in making a hasty, permanent decision when a lot of progress can be made in the next couple of weeks. We’ve hardly spoken since we’ve had this conversation yesterday, and I just don’t know what to do. I would do anything to fix this. Does anyone have any suggestions?
View related questions:
a break, best friend, broke up, depressed, ex girlfriend, fell in love, flirt, friend with benefits, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2014):
 I will also agree with KC
He isn't clinically depressed, and unfortunately for you, he isn't OVER her either.
I would end it, walk away. Don't try and be his "friend" or if he reaches out and want something physical with you, deny it.
It sucks being a rebound.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2014):
 i agree with KC
I think that a "break" is just a nice way to ease into a full blown break up and you two are just dragging it out.
you were his excuse to end it with his ex gf... you are the rebound, the transitional girl... and while you are not the reason he broke up with his ex.. you were probably a catalyst in the breakup...
ONE call from her and he's back on her leash.. he's not done with her yet... even if they don't work out....
do you really want to sit around and WAIT for him to make up his mind... that could be a while and when he's done with her he won't be ready for you yet... he still has to heal....
I think you are better off ending it fully.
classes won't go on forever and you can just be civil when you see him.. no need to be overly friendly or nasty.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 I agree with K_C, I don't think this guy is clinically depressed. I think he's in a crisis because, after the dressing down he got from his ex, he knows he's behaved badly, and he possibly regrets letting things with you progress so unbelievably quickly (meeting the family so soon for example).
He didn't behave well towards his ex. If he was unhappy with her, he should have finished with her before he had the opportunity to "fall in love at first sight" and "flirt" with another girl. He was able to sweep his guilty conscience under the carpet because he was madly in lust/love with you, but then he was faced with the consequences of his actions. She didn't fill him with guilt, all she did was show/ remind him why he should feel guilty.
And please do spare a thought for his ex in all of this, because she WAS cheated on in all but the physical sense, and had then her nose rubbed in it when he moved on so quickly, as if she meant nothing at all. I'm sure neither of you purposefully upset her, but she will have heard about you and him through mutual friends of theirs and dreaded social media.
Now, he's asking for a break (which I believe he needs) and he has every right to do so. As would you, if you wished one. You are not allowing this break, even though he has clearly stated that he needs to be single. Being on a break versus your idea of a pseudo relationship (weekly dates and exclusivity) is not a "technicality", it's two people wanting drastically different things. He feels anxious, and that is because he knows something isn't right. He's trying to step away and you just won't let him.
As for you helping him through his 'depression', well that seems kind at first but it's not altruistic since it's really for you rather than him. At the moment he does not get happiness from your relationship/ friendship : I am guessing he feels pressurised. What's more, you are not Florence Nighingale and he is not your responsibility. If he is depressed, he has family and friends to care for him, and soon he will have the help of a professional therapist.
You feel in a state of limbo, and that's not surprising, but you've put yourself there by not accepting his wish to take a break and be single. You can't force him to stay with you if he's unhappy (....as his ex discovered). You can't be in full control of this.
My advice, which I know you'll hate but I'll say it anyway, would be to accept this indefinite break and stop offering friendship of any sort. Stop thinking of yourself as a couple, and try to take a big step back. He's a class mate now, someone you briefly dated. Go to the counselling, let him go to his, and maybe just maybe you'll get back together but accept that this relationship may have run it's course.
I'm sorry this is no doubt not what you wanted to hear/ read.
Anyway I wish you well and I do hope you benefit from the counselling (both, individually).
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (18 February 2014):
 I'm sorry but this doesnt sound right - it is highly unlikely one conversation with an ex can cause major depression in the space of 2 weeks. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the the brain, it is a chronic illness that takes months, if not years to build up. So yes one 'incident' can bring things to a head, but he has to have had the chemical imbalance for a long time prior to that.
So either he has had depression for a very long time and its come to a head, in which case this happy positive man was just a facade hiding his deep troubles, and you have fallen for something that wasnt real.
Or, option 2 which I think is more likely, is that you were just a rebound. He was having problems with his girlfriend, he was unhappy and then met you - you provided a way out, a temporary solution to take his mind off his issues. When you finally got together properly, eventually (after a short 2 months together) realised that his baggage (the ex) and his problems were still there, and you are not the answer - hence why he needs space.
No human being can go from a serious long term relationship into another one right away without dragging the baggage from the last relationship into the next relationship. You cannot simply let go that quickly of someone you care about. He loved his ex, they were together a while and had a serious relationship - he cannot just wipe the slate clean to be with you 100% right away.
So what I think has happened is that he has finally realised he cannot jump from one relationship to the next. He is still hurting from the break up with the ex, he is confused about you and it has created this big mess - hence why he seems 'depressed'. I dont think it is actual clinical depression, I think it is depression in the sense he is unhappy with his life - not a chemical imbalance.
He is unhappy about things with his ex, he has jumped into a new relationship that has moved way too fast and he feels out of control.
I know this isnt what you want to hear, but to be honest after many years on this site I have seen this problem time and time again - boy and girl meet but one is in a relationship, boy leaves gf for new girl, they get together then within 2-3 months it has all gone wrong because boy has realised new girl is just a rebound, he hasnt dealt with the issues left over from breaking up with the ex and now he is a mess.
The simple fact is that you need TIME to get over the end of a relationship. He was together for a significant amount of time, therefore cannot just jump into a new relationship and expect to be ok. The meeting with the ex brought it all back for him, re-opened the wound he'd used you as a band-aid for and now he cant go back to where he was before with you.
Therefore all you can do is walk away, and see if he ever comes back. But dont get your hopes up, classic behaviour for men that meet a new woman whilst in a relationship is that they leave for the new woman but quickly realise new woman just distracted them from the previous relationship's problems, and in fact they dont really want another relationship at all.
You were the welcome flirtation when things were not good with the gf, the distraction from real life. Now you have become real life the old problems have caught up with him and the novelty of the rebound has worn off.
I'm sorry you have ended up in this situation, I really am - but learn from this, never get together with a guy unless he's been single for at least 3 months, if not 6 months. And DEFINITELY do not get with a guy who was in a relationship when you met, yes he never cheated on her physically but had an emotional affair with you and a relationship that begins with some sort of cheating never ends well.
Leave him alone to have counselling, dont speak to him for at least 1-2 months if you can avoid it and see how he is feeling once he has completed a course of counselling. Right now the best thing for him is space to figure out what he wants and to get over his ex. Dont treat this as true depression because it doesnt sound like depression at all, it sounds like a man who had a rebound and never got over his ex.
...............................
|
