A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am writing to get your help to resurrect my friendship with a work colleague who works for me.Basically we got to know each other since she had some problems at work and I helped her resolve it. She also had some issues with her present neighbour. Hence she decided to look for a new house. I gave some practical and first-hand advice based on my recent move. We were fine talking in person and over the phone/texting about a variety of topics in a purely platonic sense. I was sort of trying to help her with the above issues and I genuinely wanted her to be happy. Then one day since it was getting busy at work, I called her after hours. I confirmed with her that it was OK to do so. I had done so several times in the past and she was fine with it. On that particular day her phone was going to answer phone which I found rather odd. Thinking that there was network problem , I tried her about 5 times. Then I sent her a text just to check that she was OK (I had sent texts several times before and she did not object). That day she took offence to the multiple calls and the text. That apparently caused her agony as her partner possibly took offence though I can#'t confrm. Since then she has been rather business like and abrupt in conversations. This despite profusely, humbly and unreservedly apologizing to her (on a few occasions) and making it clear that I had no intention of hurting her feelings or hounding her. Those multiple calls were merely out of concern and genuine care for her well being. But she claims that looking from outside, things appear different and she continues to cast doubts on my perfectly honourable intentions. I am amazed that she was fine until that day. Not sure what happened that she suddenly changed her attitude.12 months down the line the year is drawing to a close on such a sour note while 12 months ago we were on great terms. SInce we work together abd because I genuinely care about people's feelings, I really want to get back to how things were before. I can't help but kick myself for unwittingly upsetting her. I pride myself in looking after my work colleagues male or female of any cadre but the above incident has left me deeply traumatised. I get on so well with all my colleagues becaue of my high sensitivity and emotional quotient as well as spiritualistic attitude.My conscience is clear that my intentions were perfectly above board rather than harass or hound someone. I would value your advice as I cannot think of anything else to do apart from perhaps hoping for divine intervention! I really want a second chance which I think is quite a fair thing. I really do not want this friendship (she had previously repeatedly told me how considerate and caring I was) this way if it can be helped.A caring but concerned male..
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020): It worries me that you are so clueless about all of this. It also worries me that you have a position of authority yet are so clueless about every day life and people. You are either incredibly naive or you are crafty and not being honest about this. Either way most single women would run a mile, but this woman is not even single, she is already in a good relationship, you should have worked out that you do not try it on with women who are spoken for, no matter what excuses you come up with to do it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020): Dear all,Good morning.I am grateful for your opinions and empathy for my “act”. I know it might seem that this is a charade for making such a stupid mistake. But my conscience is clear. However, I realise that I have caused this person intense pain. From what you have said and what I have realised after reflecting on matters putting myself in her shoes and looking at it from different perspective, it is likely that she might have no personal grouse. But given that the phone calls and text made her partner suspicious, and to prevent any recurrence she has taken this stance and dropped me “like a hot potato” as one of you has said. May be things are stressful because of the prolonged pandemic but I wouldn’t want to blame Mr COVID-19 for this! Of course, it must be hard for her since she will be running into me at work which will only further remind her of the distress I caused, thereby placing her in an uncomfortable situation in her working life. I have learnt a lesson perhaps in a hard way and will change my attitude and behaviour. I am open to critique and some of you have made it obvious as to why it was wrong to do what I had done. Yes, no phone calls out of hours!!! I will bear it in mind for the future no doubt. I will back off and be professional and cordial, giving time and space to see if things improve in due course. Since she is an important member of my team I do not wish any further bad blood. I will not hold this incident cloud any of my dealings with her. Yes, she does not owe me a second chance and I will not force it from her. It is doubtful if she will ever approach me for advice. But if so, I will keep things related to work. I will have an open mind. The bottom line is that you lot have been fabulous giving me valuable insight. I appreciate that. It has provided me the “closure” and a path to move forwards -being a good boss, but more professional.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2020): Op I stand by my advice to you except one thing and that is if she asks you for advice in the future tell her kindly to keep it on professional work terms and don't get involved. The advice you have been given is somewhat harsh as you explained it was her thsf came to you, none of us were there and colleagues can talk about personal stuff, but you did become over involved. Lesson no doubt has been learned on your part hopefully
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 December 2020):
 It might be her BF felt she spend too much time talking to you or about you so she dropped you like a hot potato to please him and have no drama at home.
Maybe he didn't like that she went to YOU for advice, some men (even if they don't know squat about a subject get annoyed if they partner ask other men for advice on it... could be that.)
It's impossible to tell.
ALSO..... Sorry, for presuming that you gave unsolicited advice. Your post were rather vague on that.
And yes, give her space. Be polite and professional and if she needs advice I'd would probably suggest you tell her to ask elsewhere in the future as you don't want to step on anyone's toes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2020): Op people have a habit of forgetting the good you did for them and in this instance she focused on the incident in which you called he several times. Reading your write up I would suggest that if she approaches you at work with an issue about the house, exercise etc you can still give advice where needed as you said you want to be friendly in a small team. But that's where you draw the line, no outside phone calls on a personal level. What you need to bear in mind also is the past year has been incredibly challenging for people and you simply have no idea the impact on her and her partner, the phone call you made in her mind had an impact on her partner and she has asked you maintain boundaries out of respect for his feelings.Just don't mention it again to her, draw a line under it, in time with a respectful work relationship it will be forgotten.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2020): It amazes me when a man starts to stalk, demand, get pushy and bossy and selfish towards a woman and then says oh but I did not realise that, I did not do it on purpose ! Really. That is either dishonest or dumb. The fact you are till going on about all this proves you want her to be more than a friend, you wanted a lot more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2020): Hello all!
Good morning. Thanks for your valuable comments. It helps me get a different perspective. However, what perplexes me was that perhaps I made an error in my judgement. But just as I am trying to get this person's persepctive, why does she not reciprocate? She had previously approached me for different issues and I had given my advice only after she asked; not on my my own voilition. I know it is people's preorgative whether or not to let someone into therir personal space. But what rankles me is that for I genuinely did not intend hounding her. She could very well have clarified it and made her displeasure known. Was that such a cardinal mistake to call off a 12 month friendship? This person had repeatedly told me how important my advice was especially when she was trying to get a mortgage. She approached me and NOT the other way around. She was on the horns of dilemma and we even went through her expenses just to reassure that she was not overborrowing. As a friend I gave unbiased opinion just to make sure she did not end up in financial difficulty. At every stage of the process, she kept asking me for advice and based on my recent move and the challenges in the current pandemic era, I thought it appropriate to share my experience. Elsewhere, we had discussions about exercise/yoga/several other topics where she actively sought my opinion and NOT the other way around. I agree I need to be empathetic. But if the shoe was on the other foot can I not expect this? I made a mistake by making multiple calls and vowed never ever to repeat that. Yes, it was my naivety but it was not intentional. My take is this: If someone is indeed respectful, then one would forgive in this instance. I would do that if someone explained the reason for their actions. Yes, if someone repeatedly made mistakes then it would set alarm bells ringing.
If someone where to have stood by me for important decisions about my work situation and also my home move (two very important decisions in life), I would accept that person's apology for a mistake that was inadvertently committed and get back to the friendship. Mind you, I had made phone calls in the evenings to discuss these matters and there seemed to be no problem in the past. Agreed, I was wrong to try 5 times that evening. Was that such a cardinal mistake that things have to be called off merely from that incident?
This person is so important because we work closely as a team and I feel that it is good to be on friendly terms. I deliberately did not want the friendship to escalate beyond a point even in the years ahead as I felt it was not apporpriate for professional colleagues to be close/intimate and never ever did I hint to that either. I merely wanted to be good friends sharing banter and exchanging ideas and views on a variety of topics. In life I also believe that one must do all that is possible in one's hands to sort something out to fix a problem. Some people at work have caled me a "dog with a bone" because I accomplish things of course in a congenial manner and not riding roughshod on people to achieve goals. But I guess it is time to move on. At least I have the satisfaction that I did try my best.
I sincerely thank you for your advice. I will bear that for the future. Have a great day and happy new year in advance!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2020): It was when you said, "I really want a second chance, which I think is quite a fair thing," that really showed me, on top of other behaviour you have cited, that REALLY made me realise that, in this scenario, you only, truly, have your own needs and emotions at heart. You can't see, don't choose to see, don't CARE to see, that this scenario is not just about you. What YOU want is ALL that REALLY matters to you. SHE is actually showing you now, how she is REALLY feeling and been affected by someone who has put themselves forward as her advisor, her carer, as someone who has stepped across the normal, workplace boundaries. And this is not affecting your behaviour. It is not coming into play as to how you should act next. And it SHOULD.Instead of imagining and CARING about how this woman really feels about your 'friendship', you are trying to force friendship from her. And, let's face it, it's obvious that you want more than friendship. IF you imagine that she has been POLITE during all of your endeavours to be her protector, which she probably didn't want, need or ask for, IF you can see the 'other side', of this, other than the one she has put forward for you to see out of POLITENESS, you will see that she actually doesn't want or need this 'help'.That all she has been is polite. When you asked her if she minded you calling her out of hours and she said she didn't, you MUST now be able to see and understand that SHE WAS BEING POLITE. It is much easier to say everything's fine and not offend someone and then hope that they don't carry on with that behaviour, rather than actually say, "I don't want you in my personal life." Especially if that someone works for you. I don't think that you are as thick as you are making yourself out to be. I think you are taking advantage of your position as her boss to push the boundaries, understanding that she might feel awkward saying 'leave me alone' to you and refusing to believe that she doesn't want you calling her at her home. I believe that all this concern is NOT concern for her welfare. In fact you have PROVED that, by not taking into account ANY of HER feelings. JUST YOURS. That's why I say that the sentence that you wrote at the end of your post, is the most damning. It shows that all you are REALLY concerned about, is her giving you a second chance. NOT caring about the fact that she doesn't WANT to, but that it's fair because it's what you want.Look, bottom line. This is not about caring friendship, it is about you wanting to get closer to her, because you fancy her. You don't care whether she has a partner or not, whether she wants your attention or not, whether she wants to give you a second chance or not. It is all about what you want and you are hiding behind this 'caring' person you are portraying yourself to be, while at the same time betraying yourself and your intentions quite plainly to her and me. Just one last thing, where are your other employees? I bet that they ALL have problems, most of them are probably experiencing life situations that you have experienced. So why aren't you 'blowing THEIR phones up'? Trying to help?I know why and so do you, if you'd drop this caring facade and look at your real feelings. She doesn't want to give you 'a second chance.' That is her prerogative and this is where you are crossing boundaries. Again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2020): Hello all!Good morning. Thanks for your valuable comments. It helps me get a different perspective. However, what oerplexes me was that perhaps I made an error in my judgement. But just as I am trying to get this person's persepctive, why does she not reciprocate? She had previously approached me for different issues and I had given my advice only after she asked; not on my my own voilition. I know it is people's preorgative whether or not to let someone into therir personal space. But what rankles me is that for I genuinely did not intend hounding her. She could very well have clarified it and made her displeasure known. Was that such a cardinal mistake to call off a 12 month friendship? This person had repeatedly told me how important my advice was especially when she was trying to get a mortgage. She approached me and NOT the other way around. She was on the horns of dilemma and we even went through her expenses just to reassure that she was not overborrowing. As a friend I gave unbiased opinion just to make sure she did not end up in financial difficulty. At every stage of the process, she kept asking me for advice and based on my recent move and the challenges in the current pandemic era, I thought it appropriate to share my experience. Elsewhere, we had discussions about exercise/yoga/several other topics where she actively sought my opinion and NOT the other way around. I agree I need to be empathetic. But if the shoe was on the other foot can I not expect this? I made a mistake by making multiple calls and vowed never ever to repeat that. Yes, it was my naivety but it was not intentional. My take is this: If someone is indeed respectful, then one would forgive in this instance. I would do that if someone explained the reason for their actions. Yes, if someone repeatedly made mistakes then it would set alarm bells ringing. If someone where to have stood by me for important decisions about my work situation and also my home move (two very important decisions in life), I would accept that person's apology for a mistake that was inadvertently committed and get back to the friendship. Mind you, I had made phone calls in the evenings to discuss these matters and there seemed to be no problem in the past. Agreed, I was wrong to try 5 times that evening. Was that such a cardinal mistake that things have to be called off merely from that incident? This person is importantbecause we work closely as a team and I feel that it is good to be on friendly terms. I deliberately did not want the friendship to escalate beyond a point even in the years ahead as I felt it was not apporpriate for professional colleagues to be close/intimate and never ever did I hint to that either. I merely wanted to be good friends sharing banter and exchanging ideas and views on a variety of topics. In life I also believe that one must do all that is possible in one's hands to sort something out to fix a problem. Some people at work have caled me a "dog with a bone" because I accomplish things of course in a congenial manner and not riding roughshod on people to achieve goals. But I guess it is time to move on. At least I have the satisfaction that I did try my best.I sincerely thank you for your advice. I will bear that for the future. Have a great day and happy new year in advance!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2020): If she has decided to keep it all strictly business, then that's your cue to keep it all professional. You can be concerned from a proper and respectful distance. If someone wants you out of their personal-space; it behooves you to respect their wishes.
You were a bit too concerned for your own good. It was apparent she ignored your call; because she had every right too. You are becoming a bit too familiar or casual for her employer; and you put her on the spot. You're human, and you did allow yourself to become somewhat attached and inappropriately concerned.
You essentially "blew-up" her phone! Nearly insisting that she respond, under the presumption she would need you to rescue her. How else would it look? That was taking things further than necessary. She and her partner do have some right to feel you're overstepping; even if you are a fine and considerate person. Always bear in-mind, when you are dealing with employees; you must still maintain a professional-distance. They are on your payroll, and answer to your authority as their boss. You do not own them, and they owe you no allegiance. Their personal-lives are off-limits. If what you did was totally correct; you wouldn't be writing a post about this incident.
Adjust to the fact that things may not return to as they were. If they are being kept in the proper perspective, this should not distress you so much. Her wishes should be fine if it was all platonic.
If she prefers things to be more businesslike and professional, what's wrong with that? You can still be friendly and cordial. You just can't be contacting her after hours the same as before. If you ask me; that's as it should be if she has a partner. There's someone there to take care of her; so rest your concerns. You're a kind person. Sometimes that gets misunderstood, or unappreciated; depending on the situation, or the circumstances. She now wants things to be more structured; so continue being a good boss, but more professional in her case.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 December 2020):
 She may very well have told you that you caring and considerate, but when you repeatedly called recieving no response, then texting you have now in her eyes violated her privacy and come across as stalkerish.
If i call someone, a friend, colleague etc and it goes straight in to answer phone i would just leave a quick polite message and leave it at that, done.
Ok what's done is done, you can't unscramble scrambled eggs op. You have made a mistake, you have upset her, now i would advise not contacting her anymore and give her space.
Take a step back now and treat her like the colleague that she is being professional and business like. Be polite and keep conversations with her strictly work related.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2020): My question for you to reflect on . Is do you call ever co-worker out of hours to check up on them .give them advice and discuss many many topics..??
Little extra note here :- if so I would assume you have little time or anytime in the day or evening if you were doing so .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2020): You say you have a clear conscience and this was all about wanting to help. But you are not an expert on these subjects and I very much doubt you would have been so quick to "help" if she had been an ugly old toothless woman of 90, or a man. It sounds to me as if you are single, lonely and frustrated and hoped she would become your best friend or even girlfriend, when she simply chatted to you about every day life sometimes! For a woman in a relationship this could look very iffy, you ringing her over and over while her partner is there is not only uncomfortable and pushy but she has to explain it to him, and it looks as if she is to blame. For someone who likes to think he is an authority on advice why did you not think of that and why do you need advice from us?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 December 2020):
What can you do?
Learn from this, don't get SO over-involved in other peoples lives, if they DO NOT ASK for help. It is NOT your job or calling in life to FIX everyone's lives.
While you might have done it out of kindness and well meaning, it DOES seem over the top. With 5 calls and a shitstorm of follow up texts. Sometimes people JUST don't want to talk!
Plus you are a guy and she is a woman so it can seem like you are not just a caring person but that you are trying to show her what a great catch you are. It can look like more than just being friendly.
YOU need to have more common sense in the work place. This can have undertones of harassments, IF she feels yo are being inappropriate in your contact. Or her partner feels you are being TOO familiar.
All good intentions are not always SEEN by others as being as well meaning as intended.
For now BACK off, you have already apologized so STOP doing that any more too.
BE professional. Learn to take the "temperature" of another person and situation.
There is such a thing as being TO involved with coworkers lives.
Find yourself FRIENDS outside of work. Doesn't mean you can't be friendly but your post sounds a little TOO meddling in her life. Ok, you recently moved so you have an experience but that doesn't make you an authority on all things moving. And advice can be appreciated but sometimes it can be a BIT much if you (her in this case) didn't ASK for it.
So give her space. Be polite and professional at work with her. IF she wants to chat more on a personal level that is up to her, you can MAKE her want to be friends.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2020): You shouldn't have persisted telephoning her. The harder you chase a woman when she is not interested in you the more you risk antagonizing her and deriving her away. Believe me she thinks very lowly of you now. You have to learn to take NO for an answer. If you want to succeed with women in general play hard to get. So far you have not done that. Forget this one and take it as a lesson learnt. If the opportunity arise's in the future apologize to her and leave it at that otherwise you don't owe her anything. Try with another but don't throw yourself under her feet and make sure a woman is interested in you before you make your first move towards her. Better luck with the next one but forget this one.
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A
male
reader, rv +, writes (25 December 2020):
Hello
Thank you very much for your response. Frankly I did not see it that way. So my efforts to try to get things back on rails are actually counterproductive! I will BACK off. Hopefully time will be a healer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2020): Hello!
Thank you very much for the reply. I genuinely did not look at it from that persepctive. I guess I am wrong in trying to get the "friendship" back on track. I will change tack. Thanks so much.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 December 2020):
 While I believe what you say about meaning well, just from reading your post, you are in danger of coming across as a stalker. In fact, if you keep bringing up this subject and insisting this work colleague gets back on friendly terms with you, you are in danger of being reported (assuming you do not own the company) for harassment. She has told you very clearly she does not view things the way you are explaining them, and that is her prerogative.
You have apologized. You have explained. Now you need to BACK OFF. This lady does not HAVE to be friends with you, just because she works with you. It may not sit well with you, but this is not all about you. She has a right to her feelings, just as you do to yours. I can only imagine how uncomfortable you are making her feel - which completely conflicts with your claim to having "high sensitivity".
For future reference, phoning someone five times in an evening because their calls are going to voicemail is NOT acceptable. In this lady's shoes, I would have felt violated, good intentions or not. You continue to invade her personal space by insisting your "friendship" returns to where it was. She has no obligations to you on that score. You have no right to demand anyone be friends with you.
Bottom line: let it go. Treat her politely and courteously but do not expect her to be friends with you. Learn to acknowledge that others have a right to choose who they allow into their personal space and how far they allow them in. You have crossed the boundary and she has now decided she no longer wants to be "friends" with you. Respect her decision and back off. She is more likely to soften her attitude if she sees you respect her decision which, at present, you are definitely not doing.
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