A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like in every relationship once the honeymoon period is over, you reach that point where you're like, is there enough good stuff here that you want to move forward even though you're not high on love anymore, and give love a chance to grow deeper, or is this kind of the end of the line? And I get relationship anxiety so I end up asking myself these questions a lot to the point I drive myself crazy and possibly ruin something. So I want to ask someone who's not my brain. I'm in a long distance relationship. We've said I love you and I care deeply about him, but we're out of the honeymoon period and I'm not sure where we are from here, the crossroads of when crazy love chemicals settle down and I see our differences.I'm afraid there isn't enough substance to our relationship. Like, I'm a more serious person than he is, we do a lot of small talk but he's not good with serious conversations and I try to bring them up-for example, when's the distance going to end- and I feel he gets uncomfortable when it comes to serious things so I feel a little bit..inhibited/uncomfortable. I'm able to be myself when it comes to being silly, or having fun, I also like that he's a lighter hearted person than me and a chiller person than me, that sometimes helps ground me, but there that other, more serious/darker parts of myself that I feel like I have to tiptoe around to show, because it's hard to know how much to reveal on that, especially when your person isn't even here 90% of the time. So it's a communication/personality difference I'm having trouble reconciling, or wrapping my head around. I worry that he's going to move here and then we're going to realize we're not as compatible as we thought because we had such limited times together, and then feel like I wasted my time if it turns out to be a dead end relationship. I could also see the possibility of the relationship growing once the distance is closed, since you grow a lot more with a person when they are AROUND you. So I'm just trying to figure out how to proceed when you're confronted with personality differences, communication differences, how to determine whether they're deal breakers, or whether they can/should be overcome?
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male
reader, WickedPoet +, writes (28 September 2016):
 The only one who can determine whether a particular issue or set of issues is a deal breaker is you. You are absolutely correct that the inevitable passing of the "honeymoon phase", which tends to last longer in LDRs, brings your differences to light. That is always when the hard work of the relationship really begins. I did find if interesting that you do not say you are in love with him. It could be an infatuation that is now becoming clearer. I think in a true love relationship the differences between the partners are cause for celebration rather than trepidation. It is the exploration of those differences and the resolution of the inevitable conflicts thst give the relationship depth and allow both people to grow. Ultimately the point of an LDR is to be together. That usually involves someone making enormous life changes. That is by its nature very serious and demands a sober assessment and firm commitment from both. If you think your partner is not capable of that level of engagement right now you are going to become increasingly resentful and upset. Being in a romantic relationship should make you happy. You should not feel as though you need to tiptoe around questions central to the relationship. That is a huge red flag IMO. Honestly, what you are describing seems to me be an infatuation. You should talk to him directly about your concerns and see if he is willing to step up if that is what you want from this relationship. Otherwise you might want to see this as a friendship that just doesn't have quite the potential that appeared in the honeymoon phase. Best of luck. I know it is not an easy call. .
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 September 2016):
 Maybe more than a communication issue it's a committment issue ?
You see , when you say that you can't have deep conversations with him, one thinks maybe you want to talk about big philosophical or political questions, and he likes to talk about sports and movie stars. Which perhaps could also be a problem, but not a big , deal-breaking one.
But when you clarify that for serious things , you mean things about your relationship, like when you are finally going to close the distance,... well, it's a very good, normal and valid question for two people in an LDR who sipposedly love each other. And if he ignores it, changes subject , or turns it into a joke, - it's not such a great sign ; it may mean that the honeymoon is over for him too, but he has not yet found it convenient for himself to let you know.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2016):
 How long have you two dated?
How often do you two meet up?
Are there ANY plans to make this a non-LDR?
If not... what kind of future is there, part from glorified pen-pals who meet up occasionally for intimacy?
Maybe you have lost that loving feeling (honeymoon period) not because things have gone from fun to serious, but because you are no longer being fulfilled in the relationship.
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