A
male
age
41-50,
*hadsa
writes:To make a long story short I met a girl through a guy friend of ours a few months ago. We all have only been friends since about Sept 08. We started hooking up on a regular basis back in Jan 09 for about a month and then I believe that she thought I was only in it for the sexual part which I think we both were at first and not really sure what happened. We both told each other how we liked hanging out during our intimate encounters. Then she turned down hanging out with me for a few days (which she never did) and I text her and said maybe you don’t want to hang out anymore. That is when she said she felt that I only wanted sex. I told her that was not the case. After that text she shut me out, I tried to get her to talk about it and she wouldn't. We went back and forth via text for about 2 weeks and she said that there was nothing to talk about; we really don’t have much in common, etc. I wanted to just talk since maybe she got the wrong impression of me or something and wanted to see why this whole thing went sour. Never was able to do that. I remember what she said when we first hooked up “when she is done with a guy…she is done, no talking” (too bad I just remembered that) The strange thing about this is that all three of us; her, me and our friend ride the same train into the city every day in the morning. So if for some reason I take the later train home in the evening which is their train I get the impression that she may think I am stalking her which I am not. I wrote her a very nice email in mid Feb stating my thoughts and let her know my side of the story and told her that it made me feel better to express my feelings and she never responded. I text her a week later and she said that “if the letter made me feel better” than “she is happy”. I ran into her in late Feb as she actually took my train home and we had a little chat, 2 minutes, how you doing, etc.Since she has not initiated a text since mid Feb, (although we talked in late Feb as mentioned above) earlier this month I text her just to see how she was doing and she asked how I was and then I said that if she does not want me texting her in the future then let me know. She text back and said it was cool and to have a good weekend. It’s been over three weeks without a text sent from me and also no communication at the station as I arrive earlier then she does and been taking home the early train. I really want to reach out to her because I do want to be friends with her, care about her well being, have her in my life and also out of respect for my other friend so he does not feel awkward in terms of having to “share time” with each of us. She really is a good girl and had a bad childhood (she told me). I don’t want to be some jerky guy who had a fling and tossed her in the wind, however she actually tossed me (lol). Is the only reason she said that it’s cool that I text her is because we are both friends with the person who initially hooked us up and we may see each other each day at the station? Our friend knows that we have not been hanging out for over month and a half. I would think that she would have cooled down and both of our emotions have settled since we have had virtually no contact for about a month. Is it she just can’t be friends because we already did the whole shebang, and by re-establishing the friendship she may feel it would just lead to more problems, etc? Also how do I know that she is not labeling me as an “annoying guy” to her other guy friends who I never met but she mentioned them? All three of us own places within 2 miles of each other and are not going anywhere anytime soon.Any advice on how to proceed?
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female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (30 March 2009):
 Well, you weren't really dating her, were you? It was just hooking up. When you're in a relationship and you have constant sex it just feels normal.. but when you're not and you're having sex eventually you feel used.. and you said that she said “when she is done with a guy…she is done, no talking” Pushing all of your attention on her and texting her first is just going to make her feel bothered. If she really wants to talk to you she'll message you first. Just leave her alone for a bit (maybe 3 months?) and see if she tries to contact you on her own time. If she doesn't make the initiative then she just doesn't want to communicate with you.
You've expressed how you feel, told her that you weren't just using her and everything in that letter (im assuming) but sometimes words don't work. If she doesn't initiate contact within a month or two or three, or however long you can take it then call her up, say you don't want sex whatsoever, you'd just like to take her out for dinner, or a movie. And don't make a move.. Try to get her back on that friend level..
A
male
reader, Chadsa +, writes (29 March 2009):
Chadsa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer but the fact that she is friends with EVERYONE of her ex's has to make you think why can't she be friends with me?
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A
female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (29 March 2009):
Right, Well she probably feels used, and that's one of the worst feelings in the world. Perhaps she was beginning to become emotionally attached and saw that she needed to get out? or maybe it's because she thought you were getting emotionally attached and she didnt want to lead you on. If you start hooking up with a girl then it's really hard to just go back into friend mode, especially if she is interested in another guy, has a boyfriend or a new FWB.
It looks like she really just doesn't want anything to do with you anymore.. and so you've learned your lesson; Don't hook up with friends!
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