A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just wondering if it sounds like I'm being ridiculous..In almost 3.5 years, my bf has broken it off twice. This is our 3rd time back together. Each time we broke up or got back together it was always a bit of a surprise. I would go back to him vowing to be a better person and easier to date because I loved him very deeply. This last time we got back together, having a young son together definitely played a role. We spent the spring broken up/on a break. I was brokenhearted and held on to the idea of getting back together literally every lonely night until I finally met someone wonderful. I was barely a couple months into a new, very refreshing relationship when my son's father wanted me back - just when I had given up on the idea that he'd EVER want me back. I deliberated over what to do for a couple weeks and have been back with my son's father ever since. We are now living together in a beautiful home raising our wonderful son together. This time he says he is truly in it for good, he accepts me for who I am, and even said he see us getting married and being together forever, something that has never come out of his mouth before (the last 1+ year stretch we were together he loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me, a stance that caused a lot of insecurity and fights). I should be super happy, right? The problem is that I'm now having troubles letting my guard down and letting go of the past. Feelings of not being good enough haunt me - I feel I need to be perfect so he doesn't lose interest again. I'm afraid of starting fights and but can't seem to stop them. Too much pressure. I now want to leave the relationship because this is no way to live, and am paranoid I am 'failing' again. Even though he says he won't break up with me this time, I don't like living my life wondering if I'm good enough. On the other hand, I do want to get married before having any more children (which we both want) and he says we will, just "not yet". He will ask when "it feels right", and, "Give me some time to settle into the relationship - we just got back together." I on the other hand, feel impatient and insecure, not that I want to pressure him for marriage...I just thought he WAS ready (as per what he said when I was deciding between 2 guys). It makes me wonder what he waiting for? I asked him this straight up and the answer is always, "when it's right".Ahh, letting go of the past is not easy. 2 breakups was a lot to endure and it's taking its toll. I'm a mother now and I long for marriage. The other guy I dated did not seem to be afraid of marriage at all. It also matters what friends and family think. I hate that I'm an unmarried mom. At the same time, I lack trust and walls around my heart are up. I feel jealous and insecure, but this is not who I want to be. It's not like he cause any major problems since we've been back together...I am torn between letting these feelings pass or moving on with my life and finding that guy who simply would never have broken up with me at all. I think to the guy I dated this summer. I don't miss him. I just miss how I felt with him. Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, goldengirl88  +, writes (12 December 2011):
you feel insecure because he has done it too many times before, why on earth would you trust him? You cant just decide to change and then do it. People don't really change.All of your instincts right now are telling you to move on, you came back and i think you have now realised that it not what you want. You want to get married to a man who will stay committed to you and not change his mind, or want you because your with someone else.Trust your instincts on this one.Good luck.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 I would go and see a therapist and talk about why you feel so insecure.
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