A
female
age
26-29,
*oxylady21
writes:My boyfriend and i met at school. We started dating when we were both 16. We go to universities at opposite ends of the country and have struggled massively with this. constant arguing, barely seeing one another and its reached the point where he told me some times he doesnt feel like hes in love with me. The situation came to a climax on sunday. He came to my university over 2 weeks ago now to spend some time together and get back to being us. We were arguing regularly however we did have some good times. I then went back home with him and stayed at his for just under a week. We had a few arguments but less than when we were at my uni. However, we had a massive argument on sunday. He basically said he has times where hes not in love with me. After almost 3 years of being together i believe this is quite normal and how you define being in love changes. We decided to crack on and try and work on our problems however since i left hes been distant and cold. He will not message me or contact me at all, i have to do all of the work. I love him more than anything and am not coping remotely with the idea of losing him. I dont know how to deal with this situation and am i need of help desperately. its eating away at me and i being to feel extremely down and depressed.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Our first real love is so hard to get over. It's because it's the first time we have ever experienced these types of emotions and aren't yet familiar with how to deal with them or why we feel the way we do.
Losing someone you love can feel like the worst pain you've ever felt. It's truly heartbreaking and can feel like the end of the world. The thing is, it will be .. for a while. But the important thing to remember is that it WILL get better. It just takes time.
It does sound as though you're hurting more from this relationship than you are enjoying it. And if that's the case, maybe it is best to try to move on. Relationships are hard work. Very hard work. I'll be the first to admit that. But it should also feel rewarding. You should get a lot of gratification out of it and the good times should outweigh the bad in the big scheme of things. If you're feeling like you aren't getting back what you're putting in, it may be time to bite the bullet and let this relationship go.
I don't want to suggest breaking up. If you believe you two can make it work and he is willing to do his part, then by all means, work it out. But if he's not and he is making you do all the work, I think it's time to move on.
Expect that it will hurt like hell. But you will look back in time and remember the relationship fondly. You will. That's a promise. It just won't be for a while.
You'll be okay. Keep your head up.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (12 June 2014):
 For a relationship to work in needs the love and commitment to be mutual. No matter how much you love him, and despite not wanting to leave, I don't think its going to work. It sounds like a once good relationship has come to a point where you are no longer enjoying it, and the distance isn't going to help you to become close again.
Letting go of our first proper love can be tough, very tough. But you are doing all the work, with little reward, you both argue and that's just going to carry on until one of you has the confidence to call and end to it.
Mark
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A
female
reader, foxylady21 +, writes (12 June 2014):
foxylady21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll the answers are phenomenal, and highlight many issues that are relevant to my situation. Only thing is i'm still in love with him. I cant just let him go.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I can understand how you both feel, albeit to a point. When he says he sometimes feels as though he doesn't love you, there is a good chance it doesn't mean what you think it means.
We say things and do things when we argue with someone we love because each argument does leave a wound and sometimes, as I suspect is the case here, it grows and it grows and as mentioned before by others here, your arguments have become the result of something else you two are not seeing clearly.
Hopefully, what with the summer holidays, you will be able to talk to each other. You must practice maintaining a calm discussion. Sarcasm, a cold response, silence, annoyance, it must all be dealt with, you cannot allow yourselves to act on those things otherwise it will only grow worse and long distance does nothing to help.
You love each other. So remind each other that you do, make sure you remember and he remembers what a relationship is actually about. You are supposed to support each other, be there for each other. He has had some time alone, time to mull things over, his continued ignorance may now be a call to you for help. Go to him again and talk to him, tell him you love him and that you want this to work. See how he feels and hopefully you can sort things out.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (11 June 2014):
 Hi foxylady,Should you have to make things work, or should being in love make things easier rather than harder?Distance can add arguments to a relationship, especially if there are underlying issues there to start with. The fact sometimes he doesn't love you, means nothing in my eyes.He can be in love with you, without loving you when you argue. I can understand that if one of you turns into a green eyed monster, they may not love the green eyed monster version of you. But, they still are in love with you when you're back to normal.Love also evolves over time, you can become more in love with someone or less (as the case may be) based on lots of things. Have you ever heard of the (something) year itch?Some people say it's 2 years, others 7 years etc. It's that time after you have been together for a while where you feel you could take them or leave them.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 June 2014):
I disagree with the others, I think it's natural to not always feel like you're in love. However it shouldn't happen for extended periods of time. We're talking about a day or two after a big fight.
The problem with your situation is obviously the distance. It's very hard on a relationship that's healthy, but distance is the kiss of death for a troubled relationship.
What you have to do is figure out what's causing the fights. My wife and I went through a rough patch a couple of years ago and I realized we needed to figure out what the problem was or we'd be doomed.
Since we figured it out (through lots of communication, honesty, and a little soul searching), things have been a lot better.
If there's not an underlying issue (like lack of trust, insecurity, etc) then it may be that you're just not meant to be together and this is the end. It could also mean that the distance is too much for your relationship to survive.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 June 2014):
Hi,
I have to agree with the others. Love does change over time, but it certainly doesn't feel like falling out of love. When you've been together for a long time, you get a certain degree of comfort. It feels like your security blanket like when you were young. It's comforting and feels like home. Yes, the butterflies may have faded. You may not be swooning over them like you were when you first met, heart racing, knots in your throat, etc. Those are the types of things that fade away. But that's when they get replaced by the even better things - the feelings of comfort and even deeper love. The feeling that you can't imagine your life without that person. It changes, yes. But it doesn't change like how you're thinking it does. For him to feel that he doesn't love you anymore is a strong indicator that something is definitely wrong.
Mark is absolutely right. This time in your life consists of MANY changes. The person you are now will not be the person you become in the next five years. The person I was pre 24 is nowhere near the person I became post 24. I did so much changing and settling into who I am. That's not to say that it's impossible to stay with someone while you do your adult changing and growing. But it's very difficult. Most young couples aren't able to make it work. There are too many factors pulling them apart and too many obstacles.
It sounds as if you two are learning this hard fact. Life gets in the way. You're transitioning from childhood to adulthood and discovering who you are and what you want from life. And you're trying to do all of that while still holding on to each other. What and who you grow into may be inconsistent with what and who he grows into. Your personalities may even begin to clash, as you're developing your views on life and the world around you. Things that were never issues before may become issues.
Arguing all the time is pure misery. I know because I've been there. It's literally completely emotionally and physically draining. The thing is, in good relationships, you shouldn't be arguing like that. I have been with people in the past and argued constantly. I just thought it was a normal part of relationships. Now that I'm in a healthy and very happy relationship, I see the difference. We hardly ever fight. When we are together, we get along amazingly. We are each others best friend and we share so many things in common. I love my time in her presense more than anyone else. And sure, we fight from time to time. But it's very rare. To me, the fact that you were still fighting once you saw each other is a bad sign. I could understand the fighting just from the simple frustration of being apart and missing each other. But once you saw each other, it should have resolved itself. Not carried on. I think, yet again, that that is a bad sign.
I think that you two are changing into two different people. Maybe you can find a way to make it work. But also, don't limit yourself from new opportunities. Don't hold on to him so tightly because you're afraid to let go. We meet certain people during certain times of our lives that help us become who we are destined to be. And sometimes, we outgrow those relationships and form new ones that are best suited for where we are now, at this current moment. That's not to say he wasn't extremely imoportant to you when you were a younger teen. But that doesn't mean he's the best thing for you now that you're older and maturing. Don't be afraid to experience something new, if that must be the case.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): "After almost 3 years of being together i believe this is quite normal and how you define being in love changes."
No it's not normal, not in any way and love changes into a more serene and comfortable thing, not arguments, and it certainly never feels like you've fallen out of love.
OP there's nothing at all you can do but stew in this until you see him again which will be soon enough seeing as it's summer soon and there'll be no uni.
OP in order to fix problems you have to know what they are? You don't seem to. You see OP fighting is not the actual problem it's a result of the problem which needs to be fixed.
You just have to see what happens over the summer when you and he are able to see each other regularly. Only then will you know whether it's the distance that is creating this or whether he really just doesn't want to be with you anymore, because it sounds like that might be the case.
Constant bickering is a nightmare, there is no worse thing to experience in a relationship because it seems to come from nowhere and is almost impossible to figure out. It almost always marks the end of a relationship.
It's possible the distance is causing this and you'll only know when you spend some time with each other over the summer. if it the distance then depending on how long left you have in college this may be a case of it just not working in the long run.
See what happens over the summer, but seriously as much as you don't like the idea you have to be prepared that this may be the end.
I'll say it again, that's not normal, that's not how love changes in a good relationship, you literally never fall out of love in that way. Love does not change into a negative in a solid relationship at all, you've gotten that part all wrong.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (11 June 2014):
Hello,
Its not normal for someone three years in to declare that they are no longer in love, I think you are missing a big red flag there. Love does change, but if your partner repeatedly claims not to be in love anymore, that's a big concern. If he has decided he doesn't love you then trying to stay together in the hope he will suddenly realise he does love you is unlikely to end well im afraid.
You have two issues at present - the first being the long distance between you, the second being the fact that you are both changing, maturing and becoming adults.
The long distance between you is a challenge for the best couples, and the goal should be to close the physical gap ASAP. But while you are at University that's impossible until you leave behind your studies, and because the two of you are so unsettled in terms of what and where you will be doing after graduating, its even more of a challenge. Many couples go to Uni vowing to be committed to each other throughout and be ready to commit to each other up graduating, only to rapidly drift apart as changing circumstances pull them in opposite directions emotionally. Others stay together post graduation but quickly find they are too incompatible as they start living the realities of post Uni life.
Basically you and your partner got together as Kids of 16 and are now adults in your late teens or early twenties. Its extremely common for couples your age who have been together since adolescence to break up because in the last years of being teenagers, and especially the first half of our twenties, we change so much.
Its usually between the age of around 19 to 25 that we do so much developing, to the point that from about late twenties onwards we are pretty much the person we will be for life from then on in. We gain life experience, good and bad, that shapes us into more realistic, world wary adults. The things we enjoy, the things that matter to us and our needs change dramatically, as do our expectations and hopes for the future. Usually couples your age mature at different rates, or just simply change into two very different people who are no longer compatible. Being right for each other at 16 doesn't usually mean compatibility is assured as you become adults.
Obviously I am not privy to your situation too much, but I do think its likely that what I have just said has played a part. You have drifted apart and started seeing things differently due to the reasons stated above. For that reason, its time to let go and move on.
Sometimes we cling to the notion of spending our entire life with our first love, or the idealistic fantasy of being only with "the One". But life doesn't work like that. As we get older, wiser and more experienced, we learn that personalities are fluid, our needs and desires change, what we want and need from a partner changes as we adapt to different stages of our life. Someone who was right for us a while back, may no longer be compatible.
Too many couples stay together out of misguided loyalty, fear of being alone from that person for the first time in their adult life or because of a romantic idea of spending eternity with their childhood sweetheart. They spend a long time kidding themselves, pretending and glossing over the cracks, but inevitably, it never ends happily.
Its hard to face a situation without the one person who has been by our side throughout our whole adult life, but you are young, very young and have so many good things ahead of you! Its only by having relationships with different people, and indeed being single, when we are young that we discover ourselves, learn to stand on our own two feet and have other relationships to compare our current one with.
Mark
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