A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22 married and I need help. I recently had our first baby 5 weeks ago. Me and my husband were always best Friends never fought that much and always cared about each others feelings . Lately with tour new baby we are tired and can be snappy at each other like really snappy, but our baby is generally so good, she wakes once a night for her feed rarely cries just when she needs her bottle. But something has changed within me and I can't reverse my feelings as hard as I try and I need help. I feel I dislike my husband I never felt this way before and I can't help it . I know why and I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking to myself that My three major life events are over my proposal, wedding and first Mother's Day and Ive been left disappointed and I know it's over. I think back my proposal I remember the day so clear, we fought all day because he had a huge bet on , I was so angry pissed off and sick of him losing money , we had very little in our pockets he rushed in the door after work I was in my pajamas I felt a mess but I thought we were just staying in the car to go to the beach so I didn't get dressed Little did I know it was a major life event right in front of me. We got out it was windyi was so mad he the got half way down on a knee struggled to get the ring out at that moment I froze I thought not here anywhere but here and not after a day of fighting why choose today a day that was full of anger why not choose a day where he planned something and made me feel special and happy why the fuck choose a crappy day like this, but I said yes because I didn't want to act like a spoiled brat even though I knew this will effect me forever !!! I didn't even have time to sink I was engaged because he then rushed me off the beach before it got dark and we were so broke to an extent that I couldn't even get a bottle of wine to celebrate I remember then we got a cheap kebab and I made a big deal that they gave me a shitty plain kebab And I remember going to my room crying on the bed . That was the night I got engaged. I will never forget it. Fast forward two years of it was my wedding, no one was interested in my wedding I had no help it was horrible , imagine getting married and having to try your wedding dress on alone ? The embarrassment the loneliness it was such a killer . My husband picked our band and hotel both the band and hotel messed up. We spoke for years about the dream honeymoon going to the Carribean and then America, we ended up booking cheap flights 2 weeks before the wedding to somewhere we hadn't planned because we couldn't afford to go anywhere . Then for Mother's Day he didn't really acknowledge the day and I felt so let down and since then I can't get out of this wrap I'm in. I just feel he made no effort to make me feel so special and let me down so bad these past few years and when we talked about it we ended up snapping the day after , even though we promised to stop. I can't help but feel a heavy heart over his lack of effort the past few years . It's like he just doesn't care like he used to. How do I stop feeling so sad about these life events when I hated my proposal I thought my wedding would make up for it , when the wedding went wrong I hoped my first Mother's Day would but it wasn't special either and well my head spins and , it won't go away and I just end up crying thinking that Its over . Im 22 he is 38 .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2017): You're ok. A new baby is exhausting.
There a huge hormone shifts and you have a small child that needs you constantly. You said that you've always been best friends until recently. I think this is baby blues. See your doctor out you don't feel better soon
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (10 April 2017):
 I think you are wanting a life like a fairytale and am afraid to burst your bubble but it ain't like that. What have you done to make these events special for him? Instead of moaning about a plain kebab and crying in to your pillow did you try and make him feel loved and special? I tried my wedding dress on alone, and guess what? I was delighted and happy and loved having that moment to myself to take it all in, it was not lonely it was called being happy and excited! You need to stop with the whole poor me act. Be thankful you are married, thankful you have a healthy baby. Be thankful you are there to watch her grow. Mothers day is a hallmark event, it was made so people could make money on gifts. The biggest gift you could have on mothers day is your baby. Try and be more positive. Maybe it is your hormones or maybe it is because you are young. But if you have such a negative outlook in life you will never be happy with anything.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2017):
 Woman. Life isn't a Disney movie, and shit happens. Take responsibility for your part in the play. You weren't getting engaged without consent, you weren't getting married without saying yes. YOU ACEPTED these events the way they happened, they were YOUR CHOICES as well as his. You need to get over blaming your husband for YOUR CHOICES.
Next, after coming to terms with you being the only one to blame for your own decisions, it is time to realize that you have the power to make NEW DECISIONS from here on out. You do not have to accept crappy kebabs if you want a bottle of wine. But you need to use your brain. If you want wine, you need to save up money for it. Make a plan to get this things in life that you want. You CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN, if you want it, and if you make the right decisions.
For example, you could have accepted the proposal and told him you want to celebrate it, then make a plan to celebrate it next week. For example. Do not get locked up mentally by idea of how things "should" be, because life can not be planned, and things never really turn out like in your fantasy. But that does not mean it is bad. It is just life.
Decide today how you want the rest of your life to be like. You can not change events in your life, but you CAN change how you react to them. You can take them with a smile. You can think "oh my, he must love me so much he proposed to me on a day where I looked like crap and we had argued all day long, yet he still thought I was the most wonderful woman in the world and wanted to propose to me". I mean come on, anyone can propose on a day full of bliss, few can propose after a day of crap.
Life is not over, you just started a new adventure. Life is here and now. Every day you wake up, you are alive.
But I sense you feel trapped and in a rut right now, so the best option to get through and in order to get your head above water, would perhaps be to take a vacation from your husband. Ask him to stay at a friends place for a couple of weeks. Or, if your baby is old enough to manage without you breastfeeding her, you can take a couple of weeks to stay with a friend or with family. Just to calm your head and thoughts.
Create some distance, it usually helps to gain perspective.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 April 2017):
 Reading your post, I do wonder if this is in no small amount down to your baby. "Easy" as she is, the arrival of a child - particularly a first child - turns the parents' world upside down, particularly the mother's. You had to cope with not only carrying this baby for 9 months, with all the physical changes that involved to your body, but also giving birth to her and now caring for her.
I notice that you do not include the birth of your child as one of your major life events. That speaks volumes as, for most mothers, the moment they become a mother is usually one of the defining moments of their life, if not THE defining moment of their life. For you her birth comes behind an engagement, a wedding and Mother's day (which you would not even have qualified for if she had not been born) and doesn't even feature in major life events. I can't help feeling quite sad about that. You focus instead on minor things like how your husband proposed (not important in the grand scheme of things), how your wedding didn't go to plan (again not important in the grand scheme of things) and how your husband didn't make an effort to make you feel special on Mother's day. Life is not a film. It is not scripted. It happens as it happens and, if we love the person we are with, we laugh off the stuff that doesn't go to plan and just feel grateful we are with the person we love.
Does your husband have a bad gambling problem? Is this why money is short? You knew before you married him that he gambled, so it begs the question why you still went ahead with the wedding. Were family/friends disinterested in your wedding because they felt you were making a mistake, marrying a gambler?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): Sweetie, talk to your doctor. I hope just venting your feelings has some therapeutic-effect. You may be having some slight postpartum depression and exhaustion. You're not in your best frame of mind; especially if sleep-deprived.
You're young and going through your struggling years. I'm so sorry, but his somewhat awkward proposal sounded endearing to me. Two young people struggling financially; but the truth be told, it's more important that his heart was in it. I agree, it wasn't the most romantic setting; but guys don't really want to commit these days; let alone get married.
You're feeling emotionally-drained and looking back on life with dread. You knew he was broke, yet got married anyway.
Now you've brought a child into the world. Your regret and disappointment now comes after the fact. The outcome would have been different had you planned and executed things according to a plan. You didn't; so it is what it is.
You said yes, now grow-up! Stop placing all the blame on him. No one twisted your arm. If you really loved him; that wouldn't suddenly change. Has he abused you? Neglected you and the baby? Then you are justified.
You're not his mother, and he has no obligation to treat you like you're his mother. How did you treat your mom on Mother's Day?
Now why didn't anyone care about your wedding? Has your sullen and bitter attitude estranged you from your family?
Why didn't you just have a civil ceremony, and plan a better wedding later when you could better afford it?
Sweetheart, disliking your life and your husband might all just be a hormonal problem. You may not be feeling well, and financial troubles certainly do get us down.
Fret not! It's common for young couples/new parents to go through what you're going through. I think what you're feeling will pass. I strongly recommend that you bring your feelings of lethargy and sorrow up on your next doctor's appointment. You are likely anemic and over-exhausted, and just need someone tender loving care. Medically, and from your husband.
Try to keep a positive-outlook; in spite of the impulse to feel down. Get out and get some fresh air. Try and reconnect very gradually with family. You're feeling disconnected, and abandoned. Ask your hubby for a foot-rub and back-rub. Ask if you need to be held. Don't be too proud or mean.
You need affection, and he has to be a husband and dad. Let him get-up for night-feedings, if you're bottle-feeding. Take turns sleeping-in. Ask him to be more involved in tending to your infant. It's his baby as well as yours. If breast-feeding; it is important that you're in top condition, so your doctor may need to prescribe vitamins and dietary changes to pick you up.
My heart goes out to you. Your post is very touching; but I pray that things do get better. I hope Mother's Day is better this year than the last. Just remember, he's not your son, he's your husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): With a small newborn its remarkable that you have time to feel upset about past events.Normally a young mum would be bubbling about having a little baby to love and cherish and thankful that they have all their little fingers and toes, pretty eyes, cute little smile even tho its wind etc etc.Yet you brushed over the baby so fast and made it quite clear that you have a list of tragic non-events that have affected your perceptions of your life and your relationship with your partner.It sounds rather like post natal depression.Also known as the baby blues.It needs treatment and you should mention it to your doctor or nurse or midwife as soon as you can.They will give you treatment for this!Its not uncommon but can get serious if neglected!They have medicines such as anti depressants that wont affect the baby if breastfeeding and wont matter if you arent!You will get extra help also.Maybe talking therapy or uplifting groups.It does happen to some people following the birth of a baby and is a hormonal thing so rest assured that you will get better,so get some help as soon as possible and a few months from now you will feel wonderful again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): I totally understand your frustration with your husband. How you depict him here at age 38 he doesn't sound all mature and right now you feel anxious about the future. Having a baby kinda does bring such feelings especially if the person who you are with does not bring the security you ought to have in a marriage.
Unless you seek help those feelings will haunt you and you will grow greater resentment toward your spouse.
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A
female
reader, LifeEssence +, writes (8 April 2017):
Hi, Life events such as marriage and becoming parents do often change the dynamics of a relationship. Your husband did make mistakes regarding your proposal and honeymoon, but he did all those things to have you as his wife. It's likely that you've both made mistakes that have caused tensions in the relationship. But the underlying component, love, the one made you both decide to spend the rest of your lives together should still be there. Your guilt indicates you want to love your husband as much as you used to, I believe you both still have love for each other but can't communicate properly about what would make you both happy without an argument ensuing. I think you both need to take time out and seek couples counselling, so you can both talk honestly about how you feel and what can be done to make you both happy.Neither of you can change the past, feeling sad over the past isn't going to help either of you. You need to think about your future, you both need to say what needs to change so that you both are happy within this marriage. Or if you both can't be happy within this marriage and changes from both parties aren't made then it may be best to end the marriage. But first I recommend seeking couples counselling, see what outcome comes from it and then think long and hard about your future. I understand you have a child together, don't stay together just for your child. It won't benefit your daughter being in a unhappy household. She will still have two parents, you don't need to be together to be good parents. Think about what will make you happy and communicate this to your husband. If you both want to stay in this marriage then you'll both put the effort in to make it work. If not, go your separate ways.I wish you all the best in your situation.
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