A
female
age
26-29,
*mbersmith00
writes:Hi all,I think I've got a messy situation on my hands... I love my boyfriend very much. We've been together for half a year and he had only just broken up with his ex when we got together. He was with her for 3 years. Normally I wouldn't be foolish to risk becoming a rebound, but I was certain he was completely over her because of how into me he is. And also because he was the one who left her.The problem is that I recently came upon a text from my bf to his ex by accident. He told her he missed her an awful lot. I asked him about it and he said she's a friend and he loves me.I do trust him 100% and I know he's not the cheating or womaniser type at all. He's sweet, shy and nerdy. Therefore I believe him and trust he just thinks of her as a friend. He does show me he loves me everyday and I know deep down there is nothing to worry about. What's bothering me is that I know I'd never say to another guy that I missed him an awful lot, so I'm just worried that deep down he might still feel something for her even if he doesn't admit it to himself.I'm posting on here to ask you guys the best way I can deal with this that doesn't involve talking to him about this again. I don't want to show that I'm jealous or possessive. If you guys agree that I have nothing to worry about, how can I get over these little insecure doubts lingering in the back of my mind?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 April 2017):
 You do not say to a friend I miss you an awful lot. That is something you would say to an ex only if you still thought about them and missed them. I would never disrespect my partner by doing this and if he done this to me I would be very upset.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2017): I do think that was totally inappropriate to write to an ex. Especially "I miss you AN AWFUL LOT"....you don't say that to a friend. Maybe you say "miss you" casually, but you don't say "an awful lot"...that sounds like a heartfelt, romantic thing you say to someone you wish you were still with. The thing is, most people DO have days where they miss their exes, especially if they are the sensitive type, you can't just block out all the good memories you have of someone. You go through times of wishing they were still there to talk to. HOWEVER, if you respect and care about the person you are currently with, you do not ACT ON THOSE FEELINGS. And he DID act on those feelings, by writing to the ex and expressing them. What was he hoping to achieve by writing her like that? It sounds like he was hoping to see if she still missed him too, and perhaps entertaining the notion of getting back together. I think you are being too naive in trusting that it is just friends. I think he definitely still has feelings. And while this is understandable as they were together a long time, I'm not sure if you want to subject yourself to all of the emotions he still holds for another woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): EDIT:
You "accidentally-on-purpose" found a text on your boyfriend's phone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): I think he over-shared his feelings, and should have kept that thought regarding his ex to himself. He did a dumb guy-thing by expressing it in writing. If I had found it snooping, I guess it would have pissed me off too! Only he said it (in a message) to her, not to you!
If I miss a friend, I don't think it would offend my boyfriend if I said so in a message. He dumped her, and felt compelled to be sweet out of guilt. If he's a nice guy, I think he'd be prone to saying something nice to someone he may have hurt. He didn't say he wanted her back! Did you find love-dovey messages between them? Apparently not, or you would have said so!
You "accidentally-on-purpose" found a text on your boyfriend's found. Now you're insecure. Then you contradict yourself describing a really wonderful guy. The karma came from not trusting and snooping on his phone. Call it accidental if you will! You were snooping out of nosiness and insecurity.
Be realistic! If you ever cared for a guy before your boyfriend, there's always a little tingle left. You met him right after a breakup; then contradict yourself that you're sure you weren't a rebound. Then what's this post about?
Grow-up a little. You haven't been together that long; and insecurity and distrust kills relationships like poison!
If you want this relationship to last longer; I think you better learn to develop some trust and have a little faith in what's good. He can't erase his feelings like deleting a text message no more than you can. He had an ex, and that doesn't disappear as if it never happened. You had a choice to avoid getting emotionally-involved with a guy who just broke-up. If you know what a rebound is, you new better than to take such a risk.
Be consistent. Learn to trust. Handle your new relationship like an adult.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (8 April 2017):
 I think his comment was inappropriate You have every right to be upset with him. He shouldn't be contacting her saying he misses her. It sounds like he has regrets, and that means he can't focus on you.
Sort this out now and save yourself pain later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2017): If your gut is telling you everything is ok then I would listen to your gut. He may have told her he misses her to ease the situation for his ex if she still misses HIM. He may just literally miss her company but not want to get back together with her. I can imagine telling an ex of mine in the past that I missed him, because I DID, but I didn't want to go back there. If it's making you uncomfortable though, you have one of two choices in my mind. First is to say that it is bothering you and to ask him why they are still in contact? I know it's difficult to show our insecurities, but in relationships you usually have to do that about something at some time. I find it very hard to do as well, but have done it anyway and been pleasantly surprised at the outcome. You just have to approach the subject VERY calmly, state your case and then LISTEN. The other choice is to give it time and go through hell while you find out by his actions whether you REALLY have nothing to worry about. I am a firm believer in your gut telling you the right thing, but the only niggle I have in what you've written is the phrase that he wrote his ex ...'an awful lot'. He could just have said he missed her. That last part would have me SLIGHTLY doubtful if I were you. But remember he IS with you. Good luck.
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