A
female
age
41-50,
*nglvette
writes:Question. Is it right to continue to hold onto hatred for someone in a relationship if you're honestly wanting to move forward? And any suggestions to help let go of pass issues? Dilemma's over an 8 year relationship has spread us in two. We now live 4 hours apart and although I have been reading and trying to let go of harsh feelings for past actions I am trying to move forward finding solutions to fix the problems that seems to haunt us. Problems arise tho with his inability to see past his hatred for me or actions of the past. (never cheated on him) So it seems me trying to find solutions only make him more pissed about what should have been done or how it was done in the past, instead of concentrating on what we need to do to move on. I know I can't change him, that's not what the solutions are about but it's about the way things get handled in a house of mixed families (he's got 3 kids and I have 2 from previous relationships) He says he wants to move on and get to the point where I can move back but it's been over a year and most of my solutions and trying to fix things are not seemingly open to him. He shuts down and usually doesn't respond if he actually agrees or disagrees. If he continues to hold hatred and negativity to this relationship and past issues how does he really expect this to work out? I have plenty of things I could be upset with and hold against him but I've made the choice to let things go and just work on the solutions and even tho he says that's what he wants to his actions are proving otherwise. What are some thoughts and maybe other solutions?
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 September 2011):
 My thoughts and solutions:1. You call this a "relationship"??????2. Go your separate ways and put this sorry excuse for a "relationship" behind you. You both will be better off for it.....Good luck...
A
female
reader, anglvette +, writes (3 September 2011):
anglvette is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I completely agree. I have been trying to tackle the issues one at a time. Sometimes he's more receptive and I am openly understanding or try to be of how he see's it but he can't honestly understand why I see things the way I do. I don't know if he really tries to or how he really assesses the situations. I do understand that things happen and it's best to figure it out and get it worked out but he's the type who would rather go to bed than deal with the problem at hand. If we're having a conversation I have to ask what he thinks about it, he doesn't give out his thoughts, he's changed the subject multiple times and it seems as tho he'd rather avoid the conversation all together. I've been doing lots of reading today and found some interesting articles and helpful insights. Thank you so much for your reply.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 September 2011):
Anger can't just be "let go" because you want to move forward and get on with life.
Clearly, there were problems and misunderstandings or mismatch in values and opinions and perspectives and judgments. These are causing the anger and if it was a long time ago and you and him are still angry then it means you both must have felt very hurt.
Before you can come up with solutions you have to both be on the same page as to what went wrong. So you both have to deconstruct what happened that's causing the anger, and face it, and each person has to own up to their own contribution to "what happened" but without pointing blame and making accusations. This can be the most difficult part. Each person has their own version of "what happened", in which they are the 'good guy' and the partner is the one who did wrong (or more wrong). But to truly be able to move on, you have to really try hard to understand each other's perspective of what happened, and why they felt so hurt. And each person has to acknowledge and take responsibility for the part they played.
this does NOT mean:
- that the blame is shared equally. There can certainly be situations where one person was more at fault than the other. But rarely is one person entirely in the wrong and the other is entirely in the right.
- it doesn't mean that if you understand and acknowledge your partner's perspective, that it means you're agreeing with his version of 'what happened' and that you're to blame. You can still hold onto your version while understanding why his version is different.
- Getting rid of a blaming and accusing or judging style, doesn't mean that no one is responsible. You are both responsible for your part. No more, no less.
I think you have to start by facing the problems that are causing so much anger. Some people, and some problems, can be just "let go" if they aren't deep seated ones. But if one or both of you can't let go then it means you need to face them and deal with them, and to do that you have to first talk about WHAT the problem actually is, in a constructive way without getting defensive or blaming or shutting down. And it would help to get to this stage, by trying to understand the other person's story and why he felt so upset.
Even if he blames you and doesn't try to understand you, you still should try to refrain from blaming him, and continue to try to understand him so that at least you are not being an obstructionist to the process (he may be, but you don't have to be one as well).
there's just no way you can move into "problem solving mode" in a productive way, unless you can both be on the same page as to what the problem is, and each of you acknowledging your own part in the problem (not more, not less).
this is just to start, and it won't happen in one conversation but will probably be a series of conversations.
good luck
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A
male
reader, aebniala  +, writes (3 September 2011):
Sorry to say, you can only change yourself and sometime, that his hard. If he does not want to reevaluate and descend from hid mouttain of hatred. There not really must you can do. He his like a big bag of brick, that you are houling around. You should grup the bag of brick before it incapacita you. Just drup the bag and mouve on. There a reason that somethings happens. one door closes as one opens. Look for the open door.
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