A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a girl 4 years ago, who I always think of as my 1st true love. We were dating for a year and a half, during which time she broke up with me 3 times (3rd time was the last). She was young, only 18 at the time. She always said she was not sure about her feelings. I vowed to her and to myself to never give up on her, but I broke that promise as I was sure the 3rd break-up was final. I met my current wife, as I always think "on the rebound". We got married after 6 months. I was trying to replicate my 1st love while dating her, but it never felt like the first time. Work made us relocate to different part of the world, but we always stayed in touch on-line as friends with my ex-girlfriend. She also got married a year after I did. They had a baby girl a year later. Me and my wife had a baby girl shortly after. Recently, communication with my ex-gf became more and more frequent. She says he marriage is crumbling. The guy she married turned out to be a total dud. Controlling, no ambition, completely devoid of romance. She sees a complete opposite in me and I feel that she's the only person in the world that I can be romantic with. She wants to divorce her husband because she can't stand his antics anymore. Then I told her that if that ever happened, that I'd leave my wife and come back to be with her. She's being graceful about it and is saying that I'd be crazy to leave a wife with a baby. But after so much correspondence we both came to a conclusion that we were meant to be together, that I'm the only one who can truly make her happy and she's the one who I can only be truly happy with. How do I break it to my wife? How do I do it gracefully? Is there a way to stay friends after the divorce? I do want to be a part of baby's life.
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ambition, broke up, divorce, ex girlfriend, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): dont even bother with your 1st love, it wont work
talk to your wife about your negative feelings towards her and the relationship in a constructive manner(dont even mention the other woman)
you never know, maybe she may be feeling the same things, (probably not!) but hopefully though she will respect your honesty and then you have the chance as adults to work out whether it is best for your relationship to move on from each other or give it a chance to work on it for the sake of your child.
if you decide to move on i would recommend giving it a year of being a free man, date some other women and then if it was meant to be further down the track,...give your 1st love another chance.
this,... would be graceful
you ditching your wife and runner for your greener grass would be disgraceful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): bottom line mr original writer - why still keep your wife in limbo . you will only make a decision to leave your wife if this other person leaves her hb. i think this is very very selfish of you maybe you need to stand back and analyse this situation objectively. why play with your wifes emotions when you are not committed to her. surely if you want to do one right thing then maybe releasing your wife now is the only way. then if and when your other person does leave her hb you will then br free to persue her. in the meanwhile you are stealing your wifes life by selfishly holding on to something you don't want. are you afraid that in the end you will have no one - no wife and no other woman if she does choose to stay with her hb. are you just banking your wife until you have no more need for her? then i question your integrity and morals if this is the only reason you are holding on to your wife.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): From question author to rhythmandblues2
She is trying hard to save her marriage. Her husband is the one not willing to work on it.
I haven't made up my mind, although my question implies that I have. You can call me immature or living in a la-la land, but you can't call me too dumb to take advice. If I wasn't after advice I wouldn't be writing here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): You are living in your head in a world of fantasy. You have not had a real relationship with this girl in years and when you were with her she broke up with you three times, moved on with her life and got married and now she is not happy with her husband. Big surprise, she wasn't happy with your either. She is a grass is always greener kind of person and she doesn't think she has to work on a relationship, but be struck by butterflies in her stomach so that she feels in love and romance. What she is is immature and so are you...so yeah, leave your wife to be with this fantasy girl you have spoken to over the internet, you both deserve each other and you both will get your come upance when she gets bored with you, again.
As for your wife with a a new baby, your baby, why on earth do you think you are behaving with grace to leave her for this other girl? You aren't. Sure she may remain friends with you for the sake of your child, but that wouldn't be deserved because of your graceful exit.
I think you are too dumb for advice, you have made your mind up, you are willing to abandon your wife and child for a fantasy life in your head...and you are so sure that is better than the reality of life with your current wife.
You act as if adultery would be something that would just happen to you out of boredom, like you aren't responsible for that, she is. You are hopeless if you do not understand that love is all about commitment and being a person worthy of love and putting your partner's needs above your own....it is all about you and how you feel.
Of course I think you don't have a chance with either woman until you decide to grow up and be a man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Maybe her marriage is failing but it doesn't mean you have to run away from your family to go back to her. She broke up with you four years ago and now you have a wife and a child. Don't leave your family stop all communication with this girl and stay with your wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): you are dluding yourself if you think you can remain friends with your wife after you tear her heart to shreds. you are further delusional if you think you can end your marriage "gracefully" . you are already having an emotional affair, you have already betrayed your wife so the sooner you end it the better. she deserves happiness and she deserves not to be seen as second best. you may think yo are meant to be with this other woman. but no, you had your chance and IT WAS OVER. people end relationships for a reason and when they try to move back and recapture the lost love they later realise that they are chasing a dream. i think you will find this will happen to you as well but by then your wife will be with a decent caring faithful man, who will also be "daddy" tooyur son. plse release yor wife so that she can start her life afresh. not with someone chasing a dream. you have created a mess, i wonder which of you two are more messed up. this other woman has blamed her hb for the breakdown of her marriage. i think it doesn't require a brilliant mind to note that she herself was the biggest contributing factor in destroying her home. at least her husband too can move on with his life. i believe your wife and her hb have their true partners waiting in the wings. you both just have to release them to find true happiness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): From question author to LonelyTwoI do want to hear what you say.The problem is, I don't have any problems or differences with my wife. People can look at us and think we are are a very happy family.What I have is a strong desire to be with that other woman and live my live passionately with her as opposed to live a dull life of boredom that might eventually lead to an adultery.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (12 June 2009):
 i don't think there is any graceful way to end a relationship for a 1st love.
you just need to tell your wife that you've never really felt the same way after your 1st love and that you've always thought you were destined to be with her.
i'm sure with some agreement you can still your child but if you're unhappy with your wife then you should definately tell her i mean it would be unfair bringing up a small child in an unhappy relationship the effects of the child can be picked up and cause problems for the child and you and your wife.
you do what's best for yourself, wife and baby.
if this girl is whom you truely want to be with then so be it but you do have to tell your wife.
and let her know you do want to be apart of your babies life.
hope this helps.
x
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