A
male
age
41-50,
anon_e_mouse
writes:BACKGROUNDFollowing breaking up with my EX a couple of months ago I’ve been finding it extremely hard to get over her. Sometimes I think about her still and I seem to go through periods of wanting her back, only to then go through periods of feeling I’m better off out of it. I still don’t really know where I am with this but then it’s only been a couple of months.For those of you reading who now have regrets and maybe realised you made a huge mistake and wish you had never let that person go I think the same stuff still applies. I think you need to take some time apart and sort yourself out. At the end of the day if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. If you get in touch at a later date or bump into each other and you get together and everything’s great then that’s fantastic but for now YOU HAVE TO CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF.Eventually, I broke it off so why do I have these feelings? It doesn’t seem to make sense. From my point of view it was more of a case of I had to break it off and leave since I was not happy but that doesn’t mean I didn’t/don’t love her. I think this situation is a difficult one to handle since my head and heart were torn (and still are although to a lesser extent now… I think).I didn’t want to leave but felt I had to for my own sake. Now, I feel I am making progress and moving in the right direction. Sometimes it feels like I’m taking two steps forward then one back, sometimes it feels like I take one step forward and three back.Part of the reason for some of the confusion and mess is can be due to differences between your heart and your head. My heart says I love her and want to be there for her and I miss her. My head says it wasn’t right, you weren’t happy and you’re better off out of this relationship.It takes a while for your heart and your head to align. I know the idea that “time heals all wounds” is never a good one to hear at the time. I was told this plenty of times but it didn’t/doesn’t help. Especially considering your world has been turned upside down but IT IS TRUE.WHY THIS ARTICLE?Following the frequent and relatively large number of questions on here asking about how people can stop the pain/hurt they’re feeling following a break-up with a loved one, for whatever reason, I thought I’d post an article as to what I’ve learnt and the ways I’ve found working (so far) in coping.Particularly at this time of year it’s extremely hard what with Christmas and New Year to deal with and try and get over a broken relationship. Christmas and New Year can be the most wonderful time of year for many; it’s a time for giving, sharing and being with those who mean most to you. But for those with people missing in their lives it can be the loneliest and most depressing time of year.I want to share with you some points which were discussed with a Counsellor, with whom I sought help in dealing with my situation.Parts of this article have been taken from my previous posts in response to others who have been dealing with a break-up so you might well recognise some of the statements here.DEALING WITH LOSSOnce that special someone in your life is no longer there you will experience all sorts of emotions, feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, a complete mess; feelings of relief, sadness, loneliness, depression, anger, frustration and more. I’m sure everyone has been there. THIS IS NORMAL.Questions spin round your head; why didn’t it work? What went wrong? I wonder how he/she is doing? Are they happy? Are they upset too? Do they feel like this? Or are they completely over it already? Have they met someone else? Is their new boyfriend/girlfriend better than me? Did he/she cheat on me? Have they forgotten about me? Did they ever love me? Have I made a mistake? Did I do the right thing? The list of questions goes on.While this is all happening, there's also that "Bridget Jones" thing going on; checking for messages on your phone, your mobile, checking your email, and even your social networking sites (myspace, facebook, bebo, etc).Of course none of this helps but EVERYONE does it. After time, it really does get easier and as the “wound” begins to heal these feelings, thoughts and questions become less frequent, less intense and fade away. GRADUALLY. This is all part of the process of dealing with loss.To illustrate my point:Imagine you met someone special, sparks flew and lightning struck, you get closer and closer, fall in love, gradually opening up more and more to each other, the relationship progressed and you moved in together, spent every day together for 3 years. Then you split up and have no contact. It's normal to miss your EX. You've gotten used to being with that person for 3 years. It was a GRADUAL process getting to know them, opening up, letting them in to your life and falling in love. You can't just switch off your feelings and be over it. It takes time to get REALLY close to someone and likewise, following the end of a relationship, it takes time to be apart too.WHAT NOT TO DOAVOID DEALING WITH ITFollowing the unexpected death of my Dad I didn’t handle it well at all. Not surprisingly I moved away from everything familiar, everything reminded me of my Dad. I couldn’t eat or sleep and I turned to drinking and drugs as a way of escaping or running away from the pain.“It’s easier to lose you mind in drugs and alcohol than deal with some of things life throws at you” – Morgan Freeman, Se7en.This DOES NOT WORK. You have to deal with it at some point and by doing this you are simply putting off dealing with it. My Dad passed away 5-6 years ago and only just gotten round to grieving the loss about a month ago.Ok I’m talking about an unexpected death of someone very close to me here but I think the same thing applies to dealing with ANY loss – even the loss of a relationship.FILL THE VOIDSome people deal with the loss of their relationship by trying to replace the “hole” that their loved one left behind. Again, this is another way of avoiding dealing with the situation and the feelings will return if/when that relationship comes to an end, as more often than not it does.By “rebounding” or jumping straight into another relationship too quickly you’re effectively trying to replace that person who’s now missing in your life, trying to fill that emptiness/loneliness you now feel. I believe by doing this, BEFORE you’ve properly dealt with the end of your last relationship, you’re only going to bring the problems that occurred in your last relationship into this one and then some.It’s NOT fair on YOU and it’s not fair on that new someone. You’re not giving either of you a chance to have a successful/happy relationship together with a start like that. What chance has the new relationship got if you haven’t dealt with the last one?DEALING WITH THE END OF A RELATIONSHIPThe impact the end of this relationship had on me hit me tenfold since it unearthed the feelings of loss of my Dad (I haven’t been in a proper relationship since his death). This time I chose NOT to deal with this loss by running away, turning to drink and drugs like before.I was very sceptical about seeing a Counsellor about the state I was in. “I’ve been through a lot worse in my life than dealing with a break-up with one stupid girl… I’ve been through a break-up from a relationship I was in for 6 years before and worse stuff than that and I’m alright” I told myself.In America it seems to be more acceptable to have a “therapist” and, if the TV series and films are to be believed, it would seem people even talk about what their therapist said and are quite open about it. However, in the UK there is a sort of “I don’t need to see a therapist – that’s for crazy people” attitude. I think this is a more common attitude in men than women.Whilst living in London for a year, I remember one evening I was on my way to meet some friends to go out clubbing and there was a large poster in the tube station around Christmas time. It said something along the lines of “if you’re depressed and feel you’ve got nowhere to turn, we’re here – Samaritans” and I remember overhearing a bloke joke to his mates “depression? That’s something women get”.Anyway, without further ado this is what I’ve been doing and what I’ve learnt following the counselling sessions so far:LET YOUR EMOTIONS OUT, DON’T BOTTLE IT UP Similar to losing a close relative through death you need to let your emotions out. Don't bottle them up. It's perfectly ok to get upset and it actually helps. I cried a few times (obviously on my own as being a bloke we're too macho for that) but felt better afterwards. You need to deal with the loss similar to a death only not as extreme. You need to grieve for the end of the relationship.Something that worked in the beginning was posting my feeling on here. Vent your feelings in black and white. This helped me. Perhaps write your thoughts down as and when that mind of yours begins to wander? Or keep a diary? You’ll be surprised to see the frequency with which you post on here become less and less often proving that as time goes by it really does get easier. It’s also a great way of showing how over time you’ve been making progress. I read some of my posts on here and at first it was every day, then a few days then nothing.Since my last question I sought out counselling so I’ve continued to deal with my feelings and thoughts there once a week instead.LOOK AFTER YOURSELFBy looking after yourself you are sort of giving yourself a sense of worth and, I don’t know if this applies to everyone, but I actually feel good about myself knowing that I’m showing myself some TLC.“Because you’re worth it” – L’OrealEAT PROPERLYYou MUST eat properly! For about a week or two following the break up I completely lost my appetite. Even when I tried to make myself eat, my stomach was in knots and just said "no", sometimes even felt like I was going to be sick. It wasn’t long before I felt tired all the time, and because I was tired and had no energy I felt even worse (REALLY low at times). Fed up with being tired all the time I gave myself a choice; either wallow in this self pitying attitude or sort myself out. If you’re going through this SORT IT OUT. Treat yourself to some of your favourite food. I’ve been eating healthily since. You need your energy and you’ll feel better in no time.SLEEPI found it took some time before I was able to sleep properly. You might be experiencing times, perhaps when you’re not doing anything, thinking about your EX at random moments, sort of “flash-backs” - sometimes dwelling on some of the good times and sometimes some of the bad times. Having NOT thought about it all day, I found the moment I got into bed my brain would start to whiz all over the place and getting to sleep like mission impossible. Now I make sure I wind down properly before I want to go to bed. Have a nice hot shower/bath and then watch a film in bed – it kept my mind busy (although soppy ones are best avoided) and I would sleep nice and peacefully. If you don’t fancy watching a film, try reading a book.You may already know this but you actually need energy to sleep properly. So by not eating well you are actually affecting your quality of sleep too.Initially while having trouble sleeping properly at night I would have a nap as soon as I got home from work. Just plonk yourself in front of the TV with a cup of tea, read a magazine or something and just relax. If you doze off. This is your mind and body’s way of telling you it needs a rest.DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD AT LEAST ONCE A DAY NO MATTER HOW SMALL IT MAY SEEMSounds a bit girly but showing yourself some TLC really does help. I got my haircut at the weekend, I treated myself to a new shirt, having a long hot shower/bath makes me feel good. One day I even spent about 6 hours clearing rubbish out of my flat/apartment and giving it a thorough clean from top to bottom. Even this made me feel good (and it kept me busy).Your priority right now should be YOU! It sounds selfish but it really isn’t. For you blokes out there; most girls/women already know this… I'm certain following a break up you’ll see girls treating themselves to a new pair of shoes, getting their hair done, getting their nails done, and God only knows what else. There's no reason you can't do stuff just to make YOURSELF feel better too.If you can't do one thing a day, then stack them... If you know tomorrow you're not going to have time then do two things today, if you miss a day then next day do two things. This is taking the LOOK AFTER YOURSELF thing a step further by actually TREATING yourself rather then just looking after yourself.USE THE TIME TO DO THINGS YOU DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO DO BEFORE – SEE FRIENDS OLD AND NEW, HOBBIES, INTERESTS, TRY NEW THINGS1) KEEP YOURSELF BUSYI took the opportunity it's a new year to buy a pocket diary and fill it up with things to do, hobbies, dinner with friends, working out, going out, or even just setting aside some time to clean my flat/apartment. Remember to leave yourself some time though to just do nothing and relax.2) DO SOMETHING HEALTHYI'm quite a slim guy and have been meaning to try and put some weight on since my Dad passed away 5 years ago (I lost loads of weight after that due to lack of sleep and eating combined with excessive drinking and drugs). So I decided to take my new found free time to work out... I've been working out for 2 months now and 3 times a week and have to say I feel really good. I've even put on 7lbs in weight.By working out I’m actually combining several of these things here; I’m looking after myself, treating myself, and it has also provided me with an outlet for all that emotion, stress and frustration. 3) WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM 2008?This is the perfect time to think about what you want to do this year. What are your aims/goals for 2008? Well, I want to pay off my overdraft, go on at least one holiday, do another couple of exams for my professional qualification, maybe look for the next move in terms of my career. I want to take up martial arts again and try new things. I'm pretty sure that's going to keep me busy!4) GIVE YOURSELF THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TOWant to get away and have a holiday? Book a weekend break somewhere – don’t be afraid to get out there – things like this give you an opportunity to meet people and make new friends. Go with friends or even on your own and stay in a hostel or something – you’ll meet people there.It doesn’t have to be a big thing like a holiday. You could just arrange a girly night in/out with some friends, or a boys’ night out on the town or something.AM I OVER IT?As time goes on you’ll find that everything gets easier and you will have made some amazing progress. Go back and have a look at your posts on here if you decided to write about your feelings. See how you felt 2 months ago or longer. You’ll plainly see there’s been a lot of progress made between the day you split up to now.Are those feelings still there? I’m sort of at that point now where I don’t actually know whether I miss my EX or miss having someone special. I still love her and do miss the good times (heart), but then when I think about stuff I felt was missing from the relationship I think it is for the best (head). Perhaps I’m at the tipping point? Who knows?Some people move on quickly. Some can take years. I’ve had experiences where I’ve done both, some times it’s taken a long time for me to move on, and some times by comparison it’s taken me no time at all. At the end of the day there are so many factors that affect this that you simply cannot say. Every single one of us is different. Some of the potential factors are;how strong those feelings were;how intense the relationship was;how sensitive the people involved are;how long you were together;the strength of the physical/mental/emotional attraction;the cause of the break-up (cheating/lack of passion/rebound etc.);but the list goes on and on and on.In other words there are too many things at play here so it’s impossible put a time limit on these things.We are complex creatures and EVERYONE is different.MOVING ON TO MEETING SOMEONE NEWWhen you feel you are ready to get out there and meet someone else take things slowly. Date people. This doesn’t mean you’re boyfriend/girlfriend right away. Get to know each other, become friends, go for coffee, lunch, casual stuff. The last thing you want is to jump in too fast only to repeat your last relationship. When you’re truly ready to be in another relationship you’ll know and it’ll just happen.IT’S NOT EASY BUT THEN SINCE WHEN IS ANYTHING WORTHWHILE IN LIFE EASY?Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my (rather long) article and I hope some of the ideas here are useful to you. If nothing else the main thing I hope you take away from this is the need for YOU to DEAL with your issues/problems rather than run/hide from them. Life is not about the destination, from the moment we’re born we’re all headed for the same place, it’s the journey.There’s somebody for everybody and whether you end up getting back together with an EX further down the line, or find a new happier relationship with someone else I’m sure this little journey will have been worth it.Best of luck!
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female
reader, you55  +, writes (2 September 2010):
I enjoyed reading your article and it was enriching. Nw I understand tht breaking up is not easy for everyone. I also wnt to share my story with u guys when I first met my husband who is my ex now. We enjoys each other's company and we had a happy and healthy relationship but wht we did no realise was tht we had similar personalities. When I met him he had just broken up with his girlfrend. Two yrs down our relationship we got married. I started getting bored of us as we had constant fights regarding him being in contact with his ex girlfrends.I then decided to be get back to my ex but not tht I no longer loved my husband but because I was tired of us fighting. He found out and he decided to break up with me. I begged him not to but he said thts wht he wanted. I later discovered tht I was pregnant with my husband he was happy but he said he would only look after his child. He filled for divorce and he got back to his ex it was hard to see him do tht but I could not stop him. -I think of him a lot but I try not to call him as I realised tht he chose wht he wanted and there is nothing I could do about it. He said so many bad words when we broke and blamed me for a lot of things.
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female
reader, keiramon  +, writes (27 July 2010):
Thank you for your wonderful article and I apologize for the late reply.
I met someone at the beginning of this year and we connected really well. We had a brief 2 month relationship. Very short-term, I know.
One day he decided he wasn't interested in me anymore (he was long distance too) and broke it off with me and got himself a local girlfriend about 2 weeks later (and as far as I've seen, he's REALLY REALLY INTO HER and has to flaunt about it like a love sick puppy. It really makes me want to gag.)
I feel incredibly hurt, even 4 months after wards because I felt he never took the chance to get to know the real me. I thought it would work out, I really did but it hit me so unexpectedly that I couldn't cope properly. I fell into depression and got into a 'fling' (rebound or whatever you want to call it) with a local friend of mine and ruined our friendship permanently.
Well, my friend actually expressed interest in me and as soon as we slept together, turned the other cheek on me. I never felt more used and vulnerable in my life. I started smoking, drinking way more than I used too and I felt completely embarrassed and alone in the matter. (Nobody seems to get that short-term break ups hurt just as bad. It might seem like it wasn't anything but when you waste your time, effort and money into seeing someone that wants nothing to do with you..well how am I supposed to feel?)
Anyway, I really found your article useful and well put.
I've been attempting to do better for myself (unfortunately I'm still very unmotivated with my life but that's a different story.)
I write down my feelings, talk to friends (as a card saying once said "Men come and go but friends are here forever...and they're really good at mocking the men that go") and I've pampered myself in the past few months. I feel a lot better than I used too, less hurt, but I still think about him a lot and for some reason I have a fear that he'll eventually forget who I am, and the same goes for my 'friend'.
I have a bit of social anxiety so I have a very hard time doing things to meet people (ex. joining clubs, churches, organizations, volunteers...it's something I'd really like to do but I'm terrified of talking on the phone or going to places by myself) that's why just when I thought I met the right person then they ditch me and I have to start all over again. Trying control my panicky feelings once again.
Thank you though, your article has really inspired me and I'm sorry that I rambled on about the story of my life, but sometimes the internet is the only place I can express how I feel :P.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (28 January 2010):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi lost-girl and Parimickey,
I'm so glad you found my article useful. It is very difficult at this time of year (Christmas and New Year) and people (myself included) always seem to think the end of a relationship is the end of the World as they know it.
It's not.
For me it's been a long time since the break-up of my relationship with my Ex and I'm still here. I still have my aims and goals and I'm enjoying life (whatever it may throw at me - good or bad).
You know it's funny; growing up and now being in my early thirties I realise I'm a much more confident and strong person than when I was in my early twenties.
Experiences with failed relationships, bad friends, family issues, awkward bosses really do help shape the way you are. It's only once you've actually been through stuff like this, and learnt from it, that you become stronger as a person.
I'm currently going through a redundancy at work (and have a meeting this afternoon where no doubt they'll want me to sign on the dotted line)... Am I worried? Yes and no. Of course, I don't want to lose my job... And it won't be easy getting another under the current economic climate... BUT things will work out in the end. I will get another job, it may take some time, but everything will be ok in the end.
Life goes on... It always does.
You can only influence things you are in control of. Worrying about stuff you cannot influence is a waste of energy and gains you nothing. You are in control of your own life. You make your own decisions.
It's the same when it comes to relationships...
I know what I want more than ever and, sure, everyone makes mistakes but the key is learning from them. If you are or have been in a bad relationship or a relationship that just isn't right (for whatever reason) then do something about it.
For those of you reading this from the UK you'll know who I'm talking about here; take the situation between Katie Price (Jordan) and Peter Andre:
Peter Andre has done the right thing. He has made his decision and is being strong... There is no going back. He's also done the right thing by not "dishing the dirt" and entering into a slanging match in the papers.
Now look at Katie Price; she has goaded Peter Andre, boasted, bragged and said some pretty awful things (both on TV and in the papers). She is not over Peter. She wants him back. This much is obvious.
How has she tried to cope with the break-up? By going on benders and taking men to her bed. Now she's hooked up with some "used-to-be-in-a-soap-opera-years-ago-but-now-wants-to-be-famous" wannabe.
This guy is clinging on to Jordan like a leech. He has no dignity whatsoever and deep down he's scared she still wants Peter. I'd put money on that.
So far, Peter has not even dignified her comments with an answer. He has stood his ground and not got involved in some war of words through the media.
He's getting on with his life. He's moving on and, whilst he won't forget the times they had together and the love between them, remained very down-to-earth about the whole thing.
I remember him saying he's just taking each day as it comes... He feels sick with what Jordan has been doing... BUT he's dealing with the hurt he's feeling and each day is getting a little easier.
If you want an example on how to handle a break-up the right way; Peter Andre is a great example.
If you have an Ex who is doing a Jordan and jumping straight into another relationship, or going wild... Believe me they are not enjoying themselves. Inside they are terrified and this is their way of running from the issue instead of dealing with it.
Who cares what your Ex is up to? They're off doing their own thing... And if they're hurting you in the process then why care about someone who obviously couldn't care less about you?
That's the way I look at it.
Anyway, that was just a little extra snippet I thought about recently. I'm glad al the commenters here have found my article helpful and I look forward to seeing more comments in the days, weeks, months, years to come :)
Anon
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reader, Parimickey  +, writes (21 December 2009):
Thank you, I've been reading many articles and many other relationship 101 advice, mainly from your article I think your covered everything, and I'm glad to see that other men have feelings and I'm not the only one. I stopped seeing someone I loved, she and I have talked for hours and hours every day, and we had been with each other intimately very often, and we felt like soul mates. She initially told me about how she does not love her husband cause of his involvement with child pron, and this is how a felt all was over with her, but she has young kids and she does not want them away from their father, which seems odd, cause of what he did, but she decided to not divorce, but we have gone back and forth, and this makes it hard cause I'm her neighbor, and so its been a struggle, and I do feel I loved her, but can't be with her or think about her cause I'm really the one who was I think a victim to this. It was a bad decision for me to be with her, and it just opened up so many problems from my past. I realize though I have to move on, and I also realize I need to heal, and after this, I need to make better choices. Thanks you for your article, its a big help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): Awesome article! I'd say more, but the first word sums it all up :). Thanks man!
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (3 November 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments Greg. Again I'm glad almost a year on this article is still being read and helps people. I only wish I started my own website and put it on there :)
In your situation it must be hard just being friends and the fact you've decided to seek help is brilliant! I was sceptical about counselling but it was the best thing I ever did and cannot recommend it enough! Personally, for me it was best to take time out completely away from each other with absolutely no contact whatsoever. That's me though - I would find it nigh impossible to get over it without time away.
Here's a VERY recent story for you (and actually the reason I'm on here tonight) so I thought I'd post it here...
THIS HAPPENED DURING THE WEEK:
SATURDAY 25/11/08 - SATURDAY 01/11/08
It was actually a year ago my ex and I split up. I haven't seen her since. Last Saturday I popped down my local as usual to see some friends and play some pool. Who was there sitting outside on one of the tables? My ex. I don't understand why she wanted to come down there... It's not a nice pub (politely put it's got character... And full of characters too); a proper blokes pub and everyone in there is a regulars so everyone knows everyone. She couldn't stand the place while we were together. Anyway, I'm getting off the point here, as I walked round the corner I saw her and a strange feeling hit me in my stomach... It was like a sort of shock.
I know it sounds immature but I sort of avoided contact. It was really weird... It's like I could feel her watching me as I was playing pool. What's also weird is I couldn't really concentrate, as I was reading the paper all I could do was hear her voice. How weird is that? There's quite a few people all muttering away, I'm reading the paper, and all I can do is hear her voice. I donn't know what I fealt but it was like a sort of nervous feeling and I felt a bit timid (not my usual funny loud self). Her borther came over and said it must be a bit awkward. Apparently she specifically asked to come there. I managed to NOT go there if you know what I mean but it was strangely difficult.
4 days later I get a voice text message on my home phone at 1.15am during the week which just said "hey". I didn't get the message until I woke up the next morning - I was asleep and didn't hear it. I didn't recognise the number. After thinking about it all day I thought it must be her. It made sense... She'd seen me at the weekend. I would've recognised her number though as I was with her for over a year and dialled it so many times while we were together. Only my family have my home phone number and thinking about she had it and her family too. I bumped into her brother Friday evening and asked him if he recognised the number... He doubted it could be her number as she had a new phone and new number. Sure enough it was her number.
As the saying goes "sometimes you don't appreciate what you've got until it's gone". Well, that's what I like to think anyway.
Saturday just gone I went down my local during the day (as usual) just to play pool and popped outside the front for a cigarette in befor my next game. Who do I see walking past?
My question is why does this happen? Maybe it's just curiosity. And why is it some people only realise what they had once they've lost it?
It would seem that some people take too much for granted and don't take time out to appreciate what they've got. Perhaps some are so focused on what they haven't got (I'd love a Big HD TV, Sky TV and a Porsche) they forget about what they already have?
Sometimes, I like to think about my life (so far - I'm only 30... Just) and some of the things I've been through and you know what? I appreciate everything I've got. Even when I bought myself another saucepan so I could cook vegetables AND pasta at the same time, when I bought a microwave, a double bed, etc. Sounds silly but in the past I was in a very dark place and my life could've gone either way. I chose to take control of my life, work hard and get out of that place and I think that is what makes me appreciate the smaller things in life.
I don't realy understand what she wants after all this time but I haven't been back in touch. I know if I were to go out with her I would be tempted and I don't want to put myself through all that again. I'm happier now I'm out of it (although I admit I do miss that special someone in my life and feel I'm ready to settle down - probably why I don't trust myself to be honest).
SO... If anyone reading this regrets losing their girlfreind/boyfriend, next time make sure you appreciate what you have before it's gone.
If you were treated badly in the relationship and you're genuinely a nice guy/girl, then your ex will regret losing you. Believe me.
And if you're relationship ended amicably (if there is such a thing) then you need to move on and concentrate on yourself. You may meet someone better for you... Or further on down the line you may end up getting back together with your ex (if that's what you really want).
Nice guys finish last?
NO...
THEY...
DON'T...
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reader, Aus_Greg  +, writes (21 October 2008):
Hi anon_e_mouse
I really got alot out of your article. Thanks so much. You write from the heart which comes through. Shows that you really care and want to help.
Anyway, the last time I saw my ex was June. We strung it out for many months and I was in denial for along time before it really hit me this week. I used alcohol as a coping strategy but it never works, just made me more depressed.
She was the one who broke it off, saying that she was too confused and it was for the best. I never got closure on the breakup which was the hardest part. We're still 'friends' but it's very very hard. Sometimes I want to be with her so much and other times I just want to forget she existed, so my emotions are all over the place.
I want to say that if anyone ever gets in a bad state over a breakup and doesn't know where to turn (for me, I can't talk to people I know about feelings etc), there are so many organisations out there who will listen to you. I picked up the phone book and within twenty seconds I had someone to chat to about what I was going through. It's hard to admit that you aren't coping but just reach out and people will listen
Thanks again anon_e_mouse. I look forward to any new articles you may post. Greg
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 October 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm glad people still find my article useful... You know it's amazing how much your life can change. A year on from all that and I'm so much happier and thinking about the future... I've set up a business which is going well, I'm hoping to move into it on a full-time basis some time next year if all goes well, and I've been on holidays and breaks been spending more time with friends and family than I ever did before.
I look back at some of my posts about how I felt at the time I split up with my ex and actually cringe at how I thought it was the end of the world and how low I felt. I know it's a bit of a cliche but time is a healer and a failed relationship really is not the end of the world.
A common question I get asked is how do I snap out this state of worthlessness, I'm demotivated, I'm tired, I just want to stay in bed all day. My answer is this is perfectly normal when you experience a sudden and big change in your life. YOU control YOUR life. You need to get over the feelings of loss before you can sort yourself out. Keep a diary or post your progress on this site (like I did) and believe me you'll look back and it'll make you cringe too!
Life is all about the journey and without the downs there wouldn't be any ups. If you never had any bad experiences, you wouldn't appreciate the good ones as much :)
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reader, Happivibes +, writes (20 August 2008):
 thank you.x
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reader, 1dumbasss +, writes (18 July 2008):
thankyou I keep this close peace
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Wow.
I did enjoy that, thank you, especially from a male point of view.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): Hey Rey, that's great news. I know how difficult things have been for you and I know she was dragging you down. I wish you well, take care of yourself, and good luck.
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reader, Rey +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Just today I decided to cut my Ex completely out of my life as talking with her hurts me too much. I reread this article and it's helping me move forward.
Thanks, man.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (12 June 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anonymous, messy-bess and carrie-anne,
I'm glad you like dmy article. TO be honest I haven't been on here much recently since I've had far too much going on in my life.
Started a new job and working hard. When I look back at my previous posts (before I wrote this one) it seems even more unbelievable how wrong the relationship I was in really was.
At the end of the day, and I know it doesn't help having been there myself, you were fine before the relationship and you WILL be fine following any breakups after time.
I still follow a lot of the principles about treating myself and I feel so much better. However, one of the side effects so to speak of experiencing such a destructive relationship is I am quite cautious these days and seem to have lost interest in the whole dating/relationship thing.
Anyway, I just wanted to reply to you and let you know your comments are much appreciated :)
You all hang in there and if it's not right, it's NOT RIGHT. Grab the bull by the horns and sort yourself out.
I bet your ex-boyfriends will look back and regret losing you.
Take care!
Anon
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (12 June 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anonymous, messy-bess and carrie-anne,
I'm glad you like dmy article. TO be honest I haven't been on here much recently since I've had far too much going on in my life.
Started a new job and working hard. When I look back at my previous posts (before I wrote this one) it seems even more unbelievable how wrong the relationship I was in really was.
At the end of the day, and I know it doesn't help having been there myself, you were fine before the relationship and you WILL be fine following any breakups after time.
I still follow a lot of the principles about treating myself and I feel so much better. However, one of the side effects so to speak of experiencing such a destructive relationship is I am quite cautious these days and seem to have lost interest in the whole dating/relationship thing.
Anyway, I just wanted to reply to you and let you know your comments are much appreciated :)
You all hang in there and if it's not right, it's NOT RIGHT. Grab the bull by the horns and sort yourself out.
I bet your ex-boyfriends will look back and regret losing you.
Take care!
Anon
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reader, Carrie-ann +, writes (10 June 2008):
Fab advice you are giving here.
My boyfriend ended our 4 year relationship 2 weeks ago. Things had been a bit rocky for about 3 months prior. He is from a certain religious background and has always half heartedly followed it but he decided that he wanted to become a devout follower and that there was no room for me in his life anymore. I tried to get him back (like a fool) and it lasted a week. I could tell that although his heart may have been with me, his head was elsewhere so I backed off and he eventually ended it (over email)
I've never before experienced the emotions I've had of late. I miss him terribly, he's constantly in my dreams and I still cry myself to sleep at night but I know I wasn't for him. But at the end of the day, the world doesn't stop revolving just because I've got a broken heart so I have to carry on regardless.
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reader, messybess +, writes (28 May 2008):
I know exactly how you feel. I broke up with my high school sweet heart of seven years and thought i had my reasons. then to "fill the gap," in my broken heart i quickly filled it with this other guy. We have been together for a year... but something is not quite right. I've been thinking that he just filled a void and my original boyfriend was the one for me. I would have felt this much sooner if the void were no so sloppily filled. But yes, I miss him everyday and think of what happened as my biggest mistake easily.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Hi,
I know this article was written a few months ago, but I felt compelled to comment on it and thank you for writing it. Earlier this year (in Late Jan), my boyfriend of 5.5 years broke up with me suddenly. It seemed to come out of nowhere - we had just been on a fabulous trip together where we had a great time, he had recently told his mom that I was "the one" and relayed this conversation to me, and he told me on his birthday that he was "so happy" with the way things were going between us. So I couldn't help but wonder why he would have kept this secret of wanting to break up with me at all, for how long he had felt this way, and why there was no other alternative. He was with me my entire undergraduate and graduate career (I was four months shy of graduating from grad school)... and suddenly, I had nothing to look forward to post-graduation.
To me, it just seemed like he turned off a switch and fell out of love with me. The aftermath of our break up was not easy by any means. I spent about a month and a half hanging onto the hope that he would suddenly have an epiphany and come back to me after he realized how much better his life was with me in it. In the meantime, whenever we made contact with each other, he'd talk to me as if we were still dating, sharing with me his intimate thoughts, personal life details and asking me if I was 'happy' without him. After getting my hopes up again, I tried everything in my power to convince him to come back to me. Instead, I pushed him even further away and he said and did things that extremely hurt me. I couldn't understand how this person could go from telling me that he loved me enough to think I was "the one", to breaking it off with me and then to telling me that he still had feelings for me. It just didn't make sense. To be honest, sometimes it still doesn't to me.
Now it has been four months and as you said in your article, I noticed suddenly that I was doing a lot better. Initially, I was writing in my journal several times a day, then it was every few days, now it has been at least a month since I last wrote in my journal.
What you have written also given me is an idea of what possibly goes on in the mind of a person initiating the break up. You're also right that you should not hate your ex.... it is something that I am still dealing with. But just because you can't hate them, you can't resort to loving them either. I guess the challenge is finding that 'neutral' ground where you can take that history with a grain of salt and allow yourself to move on and be open to new experiences and people.
Anyway, all I meant with this long-winded response is... thank you for writing this. It has given me a perspective that is certainly going to help me find peace with this situation.
Take care.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 February 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Angi,
It's hard I know but look at it this way... If he couldn't open up to you and prefers to run from his problems rather than work through them perhaps you're better off without him?
I had a smiliar situation where I was open to talk about anything and everything but there always seemed to be something holding my girlfriend back. She preferred to avoid any issues and the longer this went on I began to feel the little distance grow between us until it was a huge chasm.
If you cannot talk to each other then the relationship is going to fail.
Thinking about it this could be a blessing in disguise for you. Imagine what it could be like to be married to someone who runs at the first sign of trouble?
Maybe you two will work things out and get back together?
"Things seem so bleak at the moment, its only been a week and half since we spilt"
You HANG IN THERE and, if I were you, I'd use this time to take some time out, concentrate on yourself and get your head back together.
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reader, Angi +, writes (27 February 2008):
I am experiencing a bad break-up at the moment. My ex-fiance and I were togther 7 years, not all of them great but we coped. This article does let me see it from a male perspective as I was probably thinking that he is seeing things a lot clearer than me. My ex never spoke to me about how he was feeling, always bottling things up whereas me, I could talk for Britain. I always felt that I was approachable but he obviously didn't think so and then it went to the next level, he seemed to show resentment of me, as if I should know what was making him unhappy, I said I didn't know unless he told me. I was experiencing a loss of confidence due to a car accident that I was in and maybe he felt that my problems were overshadowing his. I still love him very much and I do think that the problem could have been worked out if he had tried but he ran away from the problem.
Things seem so bleak at the moment, its only been a week and half since we spilt but yeah, this article makes you see the bigger picture.
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 February 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi diesel78,
Thanks for your comments :) In relation to your situation it sounds very tricky. I think there's a lot for you to really think about and more questions you need to ask yourself before you can really make up your mind as to what to do.
I've put some ideas and questions down here for you to think about. Come back to me with any thoughts and I'll do my best to give you my honest opinion.
At the end of the day though I have to say, it really is up to you. Obviously you know yourself, your girlfriend and your EX far better than anyone else here...
“Great article. Almost as if you read my mind. I recently ended a long term relationship. i thought i'd done the right thing and started seeing someone else quickly and felt happier than i did in years. Now my ex has tells me she is (only considering) dating again and i totally lost it. Made me think i want her back etc. cant concentrate on my someone new and honestly can't think of anything else but my ex. Jealousy is a terrible thing. Any advice please?”
Sounds to me like you moved on too fast, sort of jumped “out of the frying pan and into the fire”, before you had a chance to properly deal with the break up.
This is a tricky situation to be in. You’re in a new relationship, in which you were happy, until you found out your EX is considering getting out there and meeting someone new and this has unearthed feelings of jealousy and hurt.
Seems like your EX has taken some time out to deal with the break up and feels ready to move forward whilst you’re a bit stuck between this new relationship of yours and the feelings you obviously still have for your EX.
Following a break up with my first girlfriend I rebounded once (and never again after that!). Needless to say, whilst I was happy for a short while, then it ended pretty quickly. After this rebound relationship ended I then hit a real low… Why? This rebound relationship was nothing! The reason was I actually began dealing with the loss of my first relationship. Having got through that and sorted my head out I was able to properly move on.
As it turns out my first girlfriend found, only what I can assume to be, a great guy (since they are now engaged to be married) and you know what? I don’t have those feelings of jealousy. I’m actually genuinely happy for her and that is when you know you’re over it. When there are no feelings of love, hate, anger, hurt.
I would say to you that you need time out to get your head together. However, this isn’t easy when you’re in a relationship with someone else. I suppose you need to ask yourself some real hard questions…
a) Is this new relationship what you really want?
b) Do you really want your EX?
c) Why did your EX tell you this anyway? Is she trying to make you jealous? Does she want you back?
d) What if she did want you back? Would you?
e) If you had to choose between your current girlfriend and your EX then who would you choose?
f) Are you really happy or has this new person in your life just shown you the love and affection and attention you miss from your previous relationship?
g) Are your feelings for your current girlfriend as strong as the ones for your EX? Or stronger?
h) Looking at it honestly do you think this relationship was/is a “rebound”?
i) When you go out do you “scan” the place to see if your EX is there?
j) If you were to bump into your EX do you get butterflies? OR perhaps if you hear someone talking about her?
k) Do you wonder what your EX is doing now and then?
Perhaps you could do with a break from your current relationship so you can get your head together and think about what you really want? Personally, this is what I would do. However, I would NOT tell my current girlfriend the reason I need a break is because of my EX.
The problem with taking a break is there is a risk it might well end up being a permanent one. On the other hand if you’re right for each other then you’ll get through it (if that is in fact what you decide you really want).
Some on here will no doubt say, forget about the EX and concentrate on your new relationship, and after time you will forget about your EX. Perhaps this is one way to try and deal with it? For me, this “best way of getting over someone is to get someone new” philosophy didn’t work and I’ve never done it since. When the inevitable happened, and the rebound relationship ended, I got hit with the feelings of loss from the previous relationship.
Have a look at those questions above, think about the answers, think about what you want, how you feel and I’ll come back to you :)
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reader, diesel78 +, writes (25 February 2008):
Great article. Almost as if you read my mind. I recently ended a long term relationship. i thought i'd done the right thing and started seeing someone else quickly and felt happier than i did in years. Now my ex has tells me she is ( only considering) dating again and i totally lost it. Made me think i want her back etc. cant concentrate on my someone new and honestly can't think of anything else but my ex. Jelousy is a terrible thing. Any advice please?
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (11 February 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Scythe, I'm glad this article was of some use to you :) It certainly has helped me no end and I'm still continuing with the whole treat myself thing now.
It's the simple/small things in life that can really make a difference sometimes.
Best of luck :)
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reader, scythe +, writes (10 February 2008):
 Hey,
Thanks for taking the time to share this great advice. I've recently experienced my first serious break-up (I'm 18) and I've been left really lost and confused. I've been through this before, so your article has really helped me get some perspective and direction.
Scythe
xox
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (29 January 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi KayKay,
I was with my EX... lol
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (21 January 2008):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments. They're much appreciated and makes me feel it was worthwhile writing it :)
Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
What a fantastic article you are definitely L'Oreal sweetheart and I dont think I will eat your great article although its very tasty advice but ive already had breakfast cheers!!!!! Good on you turning your life around this way can be hard expecially when you loose someone close to you Ive been there with my best friend who was like a sister to me your article made me cry laugh and fall on the floor and with a damaged hamstring it took me awhile to get up :) really powerfull words Thankyou with love and peace MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, majray1 +, writes (10 January 2008):
thanks for the link you gave me on my post i put up. great advice a lot of things in there that i can use. thank you.
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