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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Agony Aunts, please help me understand this situation. I'm completely devastated, drained and not sure what to do, think, say... :( This is long, but I just don't know how to condense it. I promise it will be worth reading...I met a guy (22 - about my age), through a dating website. We immediately hit it off (had many bad experiences before, so this was new for me). There was a second date, and a third... Eventually, we had been dating for almost two months. He was such a gentleman, thoughtful, very articulate, very handsome, funny, affectionate. We connected flawlessly intellectually. The physical connection was definitely there. We were constantly laughing when we were together! I took him camping, I met his family, he met my best friend, he cooked me dinner, I baked for him, we watched tons of movies... Everything seemed to be progressing really well.I'm not a texter... but I have NEVER texted someone so much. However, always weary of being the needy girlfriend, I let him initiate about 80% of the texts and most of the dates. He seemed quite happy doing this. He texted me every morning, all throughout the day to share random thoughts/events with me, and before bed. I reciprocated appropriately, and sometimes I'd be the one initiating these sweet texts.Honestly, I fell head over heels for this guy.. very out of the ordinary for me. And he told me on several occasions that he had never connected with anyone else so strongly before. He constantly showed me affection, and told me I was beautiful, fascinating, and other wonderful things. He paid, he drove, he opened doors, he did all the gentlemanly things. He was always touching me, hugging me, kissing me - and I must admit I really liked it.However - to give you a little more background here - in the past 3-4 years of his life, this man has been through some trauma. His first love, whom he was in a relationship with for 2 years, left him for his best friend, so understandably he has some residual relationship/trust issues - in fact, he was still reluctant to introduce me to his friends. And he hasn't been in a real long-term relationship since this experience. He did fall for a girl who was seeing another guy, and patiently waited until they broke up, only for her to reject him and enter into a relationship with someone else. This devastated him. And then, most notably, two years ago, his father passed away.To be honest, he told me from the beginning that he wasn't sure if he was a capable of a relationship. So I never, ever pressured him for this.Several weeks ago, around the two month mark, he told me he wasn't sure he felt a connection to me and didn't want to pursue a relationship. I listened, asking very few questions... I didn't try to convince him to keep seeing me, because I don't believe that works. I was just confused and utterly heartbroken. I spent the entire day in tears. He felt my pain and sincerely expressed pain that seemed to rival mine. I was extremely surprised at how attached I felt after only two months... I knew he was probably just terrified at how well things were going and had cold feet, whether he realized it or not, but I never said that. I did, however, decide to keep talking to him, just as a friend, which he invited. We couldn't STOP talking to each other, honestly. Of course I WANTED to be with him romantically, but I truly did not have an agenda, other than I didn't want this wonderful new person to leave my life. :(For weeks, we still texted each other all day, everyday. I was careful not to say anything a friend wouldn't say. Truthfully, I did feel a lot of mixed signals from him... Sometimes it made me quite angry.Last Friday, he said he wanted to see me. He showed up at my apartment with orchids (my favorite) and said he wanted to talk to me. He said he really wanted to continue seeing me, that he was sorry for trying to explain something that even he didn't understand, that if he wanted to try with anyone, he wanted it to be with me. He said many things... At first I wasn't sure what to think and felt pretty overwhelmed and angry, and there was a little yelling on my end... But in my heart I absolutely did want to be with him, of course, so I agreed. And we had a great weekend together. Monday, he went home.Tuesday morning, he broke it off with me again.I can't explain to you how excruciatingly, tortuously painful this is to me. Why did he do this to me?? I'm so incredibly lost.Essentially, his only real reason was that he wants solitude. He kept saying sorry, over and over, that he felt horrible, that he was having trouble with his emotions and wanted to seek therapy.What's more is, I still can't stop talking to him. I know he is torturing himself as well; I care deeply for him, and to excise him from my life would feel like I'm abandoning him. I feel like he's already been abandoned too many times...My heart feels completely wasted. :( I don't know how to handle any of this. What to do. How to get over him - should I get over him? I don't know where to begin...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): I'm the OP...
Thank you both for your advice. I cut contact with him three days ago, but it's been completely heart-wrenching for me. I don't understand why it hurts so much. It feels like I'm cutting someone really special out of my life. Why do I feel this way, when he did this to me??
It's such a convoluted situation that I just don't want to try to explain it to anyone. :(
I feel very alone and hopeless.. like there's something wrong with me. :( I deleted my online dating profile because I just don't want to date anyone anymore. But I'm also starting to realize that I'll probably be spending the holidays alone, and that's really depressing.
Honestly, I can't stop crying. I'm usually a super positive person, I don't know why this is getting me so down :(
A
female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (6 September 2012):
Quite honestly, yes, you need to get over him. You know what they say- fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? You gave him not one, but two chances already and he screwed both of those up. Best case scenario -in your current mindset- is that he comes knocking on your door again and tells you that leaving you -again- has been a mistake -another one- and to please get back together with him. You do that, overwhelmed by happiness- but who assures you that he's not going to change his mind and break up four days later- again? How could you possibly trust someone who's proved himself to be so unreliable, relationship wise, not just once, but twice? This time how much time will it take for him to change his mind? Four days, four weeks, four months? Honestly, had he said he didn't want to pursue a relationship with you just once, it could have chalked up to the fact he's been betrayed and is still hurt etc., but for him to reiterate that kind of behaviour is just a red flag on his side. What you do is stopping any contact with him. It's going to be hard, trust me, I've been there, but it will also get better eventually. You're not the one who's abandoning him in his time of need- he's the one who dumped you. I know it feels less of a clear cut now to keep talking him, but the wound is too fresh for you to do that without consequences- plus, let's be honest here, you do not want to be just friends with him. Time will cure it- afterall, you've only known him for a few months, so it shouldn't even take THAT long for you to go back to normal. Remember that you're better off spending time being available to meet someone who WILL want to pursue a relationship with you, who's not so thraumatized by his past and will not go hot and cold on you every few weeks- can you imagine how exhausting a relationship with someone like that would have been? Stay strong.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (6 September 2012):
 Hi
You need to be brutal and cut ALL contact in order to get over him.
He MAY have been abandoned by other women or he might be the one who walked away. He used you the last time he saw you,hes playing with your emotions too.
He is not as nice as he makes out he is or he would let you go to find happiness as he can't give it,not continue to play with your heart.
It will be hard to forget him, to not communicate,short term anyway,long-term it can only be good,for you. Time to enlist your friends and familys support for the next few weeks,you can do it.
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