A
female
age
36-40,
*ustelidmaniac
writes:I really need advice on how to get over a COLOSSAL breakup. I am 21 years old, and I just broke up with my fiancee who I have been dating for 8 years. We started dating in high school, and our relationship all through high school and college was fantastic, like something out of a fantasy romance novel. He was just the most loving, caring guy imaginable. We were both so committed to being together forever, even had plans of where we were going to move, what type of house we wanted, how many kids, etc. We used to sit and daydream about these things. Well, a rough patch we dealt with in high school was his depression. He had some issues here and there talking about suicide, had major anger problems, things like that. Also a couple years into the relationship, I found out about his addiction to porn. He obsessively watched it and masturbated, even to the point of bleeding. He used to say something like "demons in my head tell me to do it, even though it hurts". I chocked that up to his depression and mental issues. He saw a therapist, went on meds, all that. Seemed totally fine again about a year later and didn't have issues with those things anymore. In high school, we had a lot of sex, like every day after school almost. Things changed dramatically in our relationship when I went to college. He wasn't very ambitious like I was, so college for him didn't happen until awhile after me. He came up to visit me a lot, though sex happened rarely because I lived in the dorms and had a roommate who was always there. We both changed a bit from high school once college hit us. I suddenly cared a lot more about my schoolwork and set high goals for myself to get straight A's and do a lot of volunteer work in hopes of becoming a veterinarian. Once the dorms were over with, we moved in together. When we moved in, I was a fulltime student and he was only working about 15 hours a week. Even though we lived together, our sex habits hadn't changed much since the dorms. It's not that I didn't want to do it, it's that I was very busy from constantly studying for my exams on top of having a research position on campus on top of all of my volunteer work. He didn't do any of that, and wasn't a student at that time because he failed all his classes freshman year and didn't do much but work a couple days a week. The porn obsession became evident again. He always complained we never had sex. Since then, over the years he's become fat, lazy, even lazier in fact. I'm about to graduate college with honors and am still very career focused. He sits on his ass all day while I'm at school/work, sleeps until 6 or 7 pm every day and stays up all night, masturbates and watches porn ALL the time, and still complains that we don't have sex much. I have a VERY busy schedule, while he has no schedule at all. At this point he does literally nothing while I work and go to school, pay ALL the bills. He has said for about a year he's searching for jobs, but I highly doubt that given he's not even awake during business hours. Since I'm an ambitious person, I'm attracted to ambitious people who are doing things with their lives. His lack of ambition has gotten worse and worse, he's even gotten fat, and I'm just not attracted to him anymore. He lays around in his boxers on the couch all day masturbating and watching anime. That's all he does. I'm not attracted to that. He keeps saying lately that he has manic depression, and that's why he doesn't do anything. Problem is, he never seeks help. I offer to pay for him to go to the doctor and such, and he never wants to. An excuse maybe? I have researched online that manic depression is linked to porn addiction, so if that's true it would make sense. Anyway, he has also said he's not attracted to me anymore either because I never want to have sex. (which isn't true, I do it's just not my top priority in life. If I have a quiz to study for the next day, I consider that more important than doing sexual stuff) I also think that the fact that I don't have enough time in the day and he has an overabundance of time makes the sex situation probably seem more pronounced than it truly is to him. Anyway, I was searching on his computer history for a website I had accessed on there awhile back and found lots of gay porn, anime porn which was very disturbing, and also, online dating sites. One of which he registered for on my birthday in 2007. I will not tolerate cheating in any form. He had typed into google "colorado dating" and "single girls in colorado". Also, could see he used dating sites. (including adult friend finder.com, which we know is more than just dating)I consider that cheating, don't you? I told him about it tonight and his piss poor excuse for doing that is that he saw on an advertisement while watching porn a picture of one of our high school classmates naked. He said he clicked on it out of curiosity and typed those things into google to try to find that picture. First of all, I don't understand how he thought that would get him out of trouble, because he was confessing he wanted naked pictures of that high school classmate. Anyway, I kicked him out of our apartment and broke up with him. His sick porn obsession has gotten out of control and replaced me entirely, and also seems he's looking for a REAL person to replace me entirely. My problem is, no matter how much I know I did the right thing, it still kills me inside. I can't stop thinking about it, I can't sleep. I can't function normally at work. I did the right thing, right? I know I don't deserve to pay all the bills and work my ass off just to have him sit around on his ass and insult me (calling me unattractive, etc.) and watch porn all day. I know I deserve to have someone support me instead of me doing all the work all the time. But, I can't help thinking about how wonderful things used to be in our relationship. I TRULY thought we were soulmates, so it just kills me. I wasted 8 years of my life. I know people change and we're both different people now, but it still hurts when I think about how perfect things used to be, and how they fell apart so badly. I haven't been single in 8 years, so I have no idea how to be single or how the dating arena even works anymore. And since we've been together so long, it is SO hard to get over. It is plaguing my mind. We planned out our life together years ago, and I always had this picture of where my life was going. Now I have NO idea what the future holds for me, and that both scares me and stresses me out. I may never even meet anyone and just live alone with my animals. I really need help or advice on how to get over this and move on with my life. I also need reassurance I made the right decision. I'm a poor college student, so I can't really afford therapy or anything like that. Sorry to type so much, but I needed to get this out. Any advice would be great!
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ambition, at work, broke up, fiance, gay porn, move on, moved in, my ex, nude pictures, porn, roommate, soulmate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): i went thru the same thing and found out about the porn on feb 14th 2010 and i asked him to get out!!!! we bought a house in december. thank goodness it was in my name. But the year amnd a half prior he did absolutely nothing. i am 43 years old and he was 47. he was laif off from his job and got a nice chunk of money. he shopped on the internet, bought things he didnt need and also paid for adult freind finder and i am sure so much more than i know. I too am very ambitious and work my butt off and would come home to a lazy lazy man. i found wash cloths hidden everywhere that he used to masterbate. it disgusts me! we were together for almost 4 years and thought we were going to get married. i had no idea about this NONE!!! it was a complete shock. it killed me. i lost 30lbs as a result and continue to find more and more without looking! i also found out he was abusing prescrition meds and get this he is a recovering alcoholic of 14 years (lol) truly makes me ill!!!!!!!! i would say you have to do what is good for you. I threw him out and yes i am lonely at times but at least i do not have to deal with the mood swings and the silence. i was constantly thinking i did something! he sucked all the energy out of me. be strong and do what you feel is best and good luck
A
female
reader, mustelidmaniac +, writes (9 March 2010):
mustelidmaniac is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for all of your help guys! These answers have really helped me feel a little bit better about myself. I've just been down in the dumps the last couple of days feeling like it would be impossible to move on but your encouragement has given me a bit more confidence. Thanks so much! :)
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A
male
reader, Playerinrehab  +, writes (8 March 2010):
First of all you haven't wasted 8 years of your life, in my opinion you've learnt alot of valuable life lessons about love and relationships. Secondly, of course you did the right thing dumping him!!!! A relationship is a 2 way street. You should not be looking after the other person with nothing in return. That sounds more like a mother-son relationship than a lovers relationship. Now that you don't have to waste your time on him you should spend more time on yourself, get a gym membership or sign up for some social sport. If I were you I'd advertise for a female roommate around your age to help you pay the bills. You sound like an intelligent and headstrong girl, focus on empowering yourself and making you feel good, and you'll have guys asking you out, left, right and centre in no time. He'll if I lived in America I'd ask you out right now! Whatever you do don't feel guilty for dumping him, he made his choices, you may have connected once but you follow different paths now, don't try to rekindle an old flame. Get out there and enjoy life! Good luck!
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male
reader, link2067 +, writes (8 March 2010):
 You did the right thing. Even if it doesn't feel right. More than likely it doesn't feel right because now you are alone. For the past 8 years of your life, you've had a certain part of it figured out(your mate). But now that is gone and your single again wondering how you will ever get yourself back on track. It doesn't feel normal does it??? Its takes a while for our minds to get accustom to a new type of normal. Bottom line is you are still you, you still have your likes and dislikes and things that you enjoy doing. It will feel very odd at first, like your not suppose to be happy or you aren't suppose to enjoy yourself after a break up. But we all want to be happy and its hard to try and stop yourself. You seem to be full of ambition and drive. People change so much throughout high school and then college. Goals change, focus changes, expectations change. While you still may still love him and care about him, he has to be the one to take control over his own life. If he really wants to change for the better he will get up and seek help. You simply cant help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. Healing after that long takes time trust me(I know). Its gonna suck at first, but gradually we move on and say it was probably for the best. Don't think of your time together as a waste, think of it as a learning experience. You probably learned so much about yourself through that time with him, good and bad. Life goes on and tomorrow is another day.
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A
female
reader, CaptainReynolds  +, writes (8 March 2010):
A break up like this is going to take a long time to get over. Your identity is very much wrapped up in his. What is good is that you haven't let him hold you back from the things that you want to do in life, otherwise there might be a lot of regrets right now. You have definitely made the right decision. It seems that you were both too different. It takes a long time to get over someone, and after eight years, you're just going to have to be patient with yourself. I would say that you need some time to yourself at the moment, it is not a good idea to find someone else straight away. I think you need to focus on being alone, and being happy alone for a while. Find a new hobby, go out with our friends, do things that make you smile, decide on some goals for yourself and go for them. It is really difficult but eventually you will move on, you just need to give yourself time to yourself and away from him. All the best
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A
female
reader, Weramazing  +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Firstly can I say how amazing you are and what an inspiration you are to other girls reading your question.
You are independent and intelligent good for you for not letting your goals and ambitions slide despite your very tough, exhausting relationship. Well done to you!
I know it must be tough 8 years is a long time especially at your age. He's all you have known since you were young and the only person you have loved. But the truth is what you had went a long time ago way before you kicked him out, he has his own issues which he seems far too lazy to want to sort out. You have definitely done the right thing can you imagine having a family with him what a crap father figure he would be!
Any way you have nothing to worry about things will only get better for you.
Ofcourse sometimes you may feel lonely but I always Think I would rather be upset because I am lonely for a short time then be upset because I have a bloody loser in my life who I let treat me like crap.
Believe me you have not lost much and the good things he was about have gone years ago.
Continue in your life as you have done you are an ambitious, independent caring girl who has alot to offer someone who deserves it. Don't worry you will find someone one day who is what you want. Don't communicate with your ex anymore he needs to realise it us over and not talking will help you move on.
Be around friends and enjoy your life.
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