A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am getting a divorce from my husband. We have 2 sons aged 27 and 34.I left 3 years ago, but have kept in (kind of) friendly contact with my ex, even to the point of inviting him around for Xmas dinner for the past 2 yrs, as he would have been on his own - he has no close relatives or anyone else to go to, so I felt obliged. However, I have decided, and told my sons, that he must make his own arrangements this year as far as that is concerned.My main concern now is that I am in a serious relationship with another man whom I love dearly, and will be moving in with him shortly.However I have only mentioned him to my eldest son, as the younger one is in poor health and is still living with my ex, so I have'nt told him. I feel bad about keeping it from him, but I have not got the financial settlement from my ex as of yet, and I can't afford for my ex to know about my new relationship, both for this reason, (he has all his money in the assets built up over the years, and all in his name - although I am entitled to half he won't even sell the family home) - plus the fact that he had a heart attack last year, so I don't wish to cause him any heartache. It would put too much pressure on my son to keep it a secret, and I fear it would be too much of a temptation for him to blurt it out in an arguement..What can I do?? My ex won't go ahead with a divorce either at the moment - he is keeping me in limbo, and I want and NEED to get on with my life. I just wish he would move on, but he has said he will never marry again. Reading this through I realise it appears harsh, but we had grown apart, were sleeping in separate rooms for 18 months, and hardly speaking to one another. We even tried Relate, but to no avail. He is not a bad man, but I did not love him, and he was extremely selfish in many ways. Any comments would be appreciated, thanks!
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female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (9 August 2006):
 As far as I understand, if you have been apart for 2 years, that is the divorce requirement, but you need to have proof for your solicitor. I don't know if you can count it retrospectively though. I should imagine it will make it more epxensive if you husband contests your claims, but it is his loss as well as yours and he may respond differently when he realises this. I'm afraid otherwise you are just going to have to bite the bullet and do what is necessary but seek legal advice first so you know your facts. It sounds as if your ex is hanging on to what he has and nothing is going to budge him until you take another course of action for both your benefits to move on.
A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (9 August 2006):
I understand your dilemma. You are in a situation where you want to move on but your past is tying you down. Anytime you try to manage two relationships, the old and the new you are bound to deal with extreme headache. The best solution I can see is to put your new relationship on hold. Don't take things any further with your new men. Just continue to keep it a secret and enjoy it to the fullest secretively. Then you should refocus on your old relationship and finalize the divorce so you can move on. If you are wanting to settle for half of all your belongings than you will need to wait until your ex husband is willing to divide the estate in court. This may delay you from being able to move on with your new men. On the other hand, if you are willing to leave all your belongings behind (with your ex) then moving on with your new men will be much quicker and easier since you no longer need to wait on your husband to settle with you in court.
The question that you need to answer is: WHO COMES FIRST TO YOU? IS IT YOUR NEW MEN OR IS IT THE HALF OF THE ESTATE THAT YOU AND YOUR EX BUILT TOGETHER?
Happylife
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A
male
reader, David Lewis +, writes (9 August 2006):
 You cannot be expected to keep this a secret from your ex, he does need to be told though.
Maybe you should go around and tryu to explain that you have met another man and have fallen in love with him.
How does your present partner feel about this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006): Gosh isn't life complicated sometimes!!You have got to get some proper legal advice as to where you stand with your husband concerning finances etc, and yes you have got to get on with your life! It's ridiculous to have to keep your new love secret and it will put you under undue stress! Life is tough enough especially when you've got kids. Unfortunately women often find themselves being squeezed and pulled trying to keep everyone happy bar ourselves! Your husband is using this unwillingness to divorce and holding onto finances as a form of control, and that's not good. So dont do anything until you've sought proper advice and know which is the best direction to come from. But listen sweety why should you sacrifice your life and happiness because of this man? Sometimes in marriage break ups it can be alot less stress just to let things go and walk away. If your financial position and maybe your new partners will allow you to do this, do it!Good luck
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