A
female
age
36-40,
*quarianButterfly87
writes:i got engaged 4 months ago to a guy 5 years older than me who neither my family nor i knew. His family were friends with some of my parents relatives. It wasn't quite arranged - my family arent quite the typical muslim family - I grew up in australia, I dont wear the head scarf, I dress and act like a typical Western girl, only difference is I dont date..i got the option to say yes or no to his proposal, and before saying yes i spoke to him. Once. Not a very smart choice, but at the time it seemed like he was perfect. I wasn't entirely attracted to him but i thought that as our values were the same, eventually the attraction would grow and i'd love him. Little did I know that for months his cousins and aunt had befriended me and sussed me out so they could coach him on what to say to me. Essentially, the 'values' i believed were the same was just him spouting words that he knew i wanted to hear.Getting engaged for us, in our culture, is pretty much iron clad - in order for a guy and a girl to be together and to touch each other, they have to be go through a religious ceremony - this means that in the eyes of god, they are essentially married. I was nervous about this, but I thought i'd found my perfect match, my prince...mind you, the ring was stunning too!The first week was ok..he took me to a nice restaurant on our first date, said a bunch of really nice things (im so lucky, you're perfect for me, i feel like i've known you forever, yada yada yada), and took me home early. We constantly texted back and forth, and even though I was in my final few months of uni, he still took time to come see me, even if it was to drop off food while i studied. Slowly, it started to change. My opinions didnt matter to him - he'd laugh or snicker at something i said, he would ignore it, or just twist it around so that he still got what he wanted.Then one night he took me out to dinner (fast food - he'd stopped trying to pretend) then he asked me what I wanted to do so I told him to go for a drive. My house is at the foot of some beautiful mountains so I said, lets go up the mountain. We drive. and drive. and drive. and eventually he pulls into a deserted parking lot and decides to kiss me. the first kiss was ok - i didnt have anything to compare it to though, but it was nice. Then the groping started, and he tries to get me to go to the backseat. I say no, so he comes onto my seat and gets carried away, and continually tried to get down my pants (while still saying its my fault and that IIIII need to stop)...while nothing happened, for me it felt like i was dirty...to go from doing nothing for 22 years to suddenly having this man that i still knew nothing about groping me in the jungle, in the middle of the night, in his car...i felt SO dirty. I didnt say anything to him - what could i say to the guy who i'm going to marry? i don't like you touching me? - but i vowed it would never happen again. Ever since then, everytime we go out he takes me for a 'drive' to some dark and secluded place, ignores my pleas of 'im tired, i want to go home, im hungry' and dry humps me. I never let him touch me below the belt with his hand, but he still manages to grind and do what he wants. I haven't seen the inside of a restaurant since the first 'drive'...i usually try to avoid going out with him alone, and usually ask to go out with his cousins and brothers (he has no sisters), and when we go out with them i'm just soo grateful they're there that i try and find excuses for us to always go out with them...but even in front of them, he says and does things that make me feel small and belittled...he talks about the way i dress or do my hair, he calls me fat (mind you, I'm 165cm tall and weigh 52kg), and watches what I eat. If i eat something, he makes comments like, wow, you've got a big stomach, maybe you should stop eating before you get fat, or, are you going to exercise to get rid of that fat, or he grabs my thighs or pokes my belly and says, you should go exercise, you're a fatty...he also says things to his cousins or brothers if they try and get him to stop acting like an ass. One example is, he's always late to see me (one time, when we should have been at my best friends engagement at 7, he picked me up a 9 30 - over 2.5 hours late regardless of me calling him constantly). His brothers made a bet, and if he was late to see me one more time, he had to take us all to dinner. He lost on the first day. So one night, at dinner, he kicks up a fuss that he won't pay cos it was rigged or something. His cousin says to him, don't do this in front of your fiance, grow up, and he pulled a face and scoffed and said, 'I can do what I want, she has to deal with it. who cares?'...I felt so small and insignificant just then..I love his family. Sure, his mum is a little overbearing and can be controlling (as can his grandma and aunts), but i love them. I love his brothers - they're both my age and we get along soo well, and i know they care about me too. I see the way they look at me and him, and I know they know i'm not happy...but what can they do? he's controlling of me - wants to know where i am, who i'm with, everything. If i say i don't want to go out and just want to stay home with my family, he drives past my house to check if my cars there or not (i get a text if he doesnt see my car), he tries to tell me how to dress, what to eat, how to talk, if i don't answer my phone for any reason, he calls my parents or the house phone, then pretends he was just checking up on them cos he 'missed' them and he hates the thought of me seeing my friends, or me wanting to keep studying, even though i told him from the beginning that i want to keep studying and he said it was fine.everything about him, everything he said to me was a lie, but he puts on this act in front of my parents and his parents/aunts/uncles that they all think i'm being a bitch for being rude to him because they can't see what he's really like! We had an engagement party a month ago. I tried to break it off with him, and got both our parents involved. He, of course, charmed them, so they didn't believe a word i was saying and thought it was stress making me like this. HE played the victim, when its ME he's hurting and making miserable! I told him i'm not happy, and he just says to me, I know you're happy. I can see you're happy! uh, hello?? I told him i dont love him and i dont think i ever will, and all he says is i know you love me. Delusional much?? I don't know what to do. I need to break up with him because being with him is killing me. I dont eat, i dont sleep, i dont even want kids anymore (i love children) because the thought of a child with him disgusts me! I feel old and I feel ready for my life to be over and i'm only 22...i don't know how much more i can take. I contemplate ways for me to get hurt, or get sick so i don't have to see him...i dont know what to do...my parents know how i feel, but as i said, engagements are kinda iron clad, unless theres a major issue like him hitting/abusing me...well he is abusing me, but it's only in private...i need him to do something to me, to hit me, to do something so i can say to both our families that this is what he does. They won't believe otherwise...how can i get him to hit me? I know, not every day you hear a girl wanting their partner to hit her, but im desperate..i cant do anything that will make ME look bad because then i cant break it off and he'll continue treating me bad, i need HIM to look bad...better yet, how can i get HIM to leave ME??? im not talking to him or answering his calls, i dont see him often, i don't let him even hold my hand, but he's still there...please, any advice??
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male
reader, mfreeman77  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 This is very sad: He's controlling and manipulative, and you feel stuck. This will be a difficult question to answer for many of us, because we're not familiar with the cultural differences involved (even though you are fairly secular and it wasn't an arranged marriage).
You definitely don't want him to hit you - please don't try to get him to. You may have to just take circumstances into your own hands, even if it means that your family turns against you. You will always find friends to help you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): well i dont really know what to say but im also muslim and i know the improtance of engagements and marriages in our culture and dont think that i come from a strict family either, we are pretty westernised too. I just think that YOU trying to make him leave u is not going to work. think about it you must have liked him to say yes in the first place and knowing what such a decision means for you and your family and ur culture you would have had to be 100 % to say yes.he is in the wrong tho for treating u the way he does. u are both adults and u need to sit and talk to him about how u feel.dont be rude about it but make him see ur hurting. tell him if he truly loves u he wouldnt and shouldnt be trying to hurt u.unfortunately most muslim men have power issues and do try to control their wives however there are soooooo many approaches u can take to soften him up. just know that stubborness and selfishness in a relationship is a disaster....there should be no room for it in ur relationship.....and from what i can gather you are both quite proud and stubborn and which is most likely why you clash. the key to a successful relationship is trust, respect and COMPROMISE. it is so important to have an OPEN mind about eachother and accept that either one of u can make a mistake and just work at it and give eachother a chance. my belief is that ending things like this, and acting the way u are so u dont have to see him is im sorry...childish and u'd be a coward to take the easy way out of this. a relationship is a two way street and its constant work....everyday u have to work at it and its not easy but it'll be worth it in the end. u know the most successful marriages are those where the couple start from 0 and build up....the love, the respect, the trust is truly lasting, as oppose to those who just fall in love and in a moment of lust decide to get married and there is no basis to their relationship, because eventually that love runs out and they're left with nothing but spite. just remember life is what YOU make it and if ur not happy with this guy, u need to tell him how u feel and what u expect from him to make u happy, and ALSO remember to do YOUR bit too and think what YOU can do to have a successful relationship. just think things through and i wish u luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): If you don't want to break it off with him outright, then you will have to be very, very sly.
Does he ever say anything critisizing in front of your family? If he does, burst into tears the next time and make a scene, regardless of where you are. If he critisizes what you eat, say you can't take it anymore and that you've tried throwing up after meals but it isn't working. Make him seem as crazy as he is.
If you really want out of this situation, but can't bring yourself to break it off due to your religion, you're going to have to be very creative.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Lovely Sweet Laura  +, writes (9 July 2009):
 I truly feel for you in your situation. It is hard enough to deal with emotional abuse from someone you care about but in your case you don't even care and to have to listen to him insult you-I understand your frustration. You are an adult and regardless of what all your parents say tell them you do not want go through with this and you will do anything to prevent it. You could try to fool them all one way or another into believing he harmed you but it may not make a difference. Do you think if he thought you loved someone else he would let you be? He doesn't seem to be very considerate so chances are his treatment of you will only get worse. Best of Luck
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A
male
reader, Rogerramjet +, writes (9 July 2009):
I'm with Satindesire. You can say "engagements are ironclad", but seriously.. Think about this.. You will be living with this guy for the rest of your life. Do you really want that? Make it stop NOW. Take a stand. It's time you have to realize that it doesn't really matter what other people think, it matters what YOU think and how you feel about yourself.
Announce that the engagement is off. This doesn't have to be a mutual decision. You just say "I am not marrying you" and return the ring.
It's really that simple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): Juwst leave, tell him it's over.
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