A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know this is the same old scenario and I have only myself to blame, but I really am at my wits end. I have been involved in a relationship with a married man for over 12 months now. His wife knows about us and has done since day one pretty much. I probably know what the answer to this will be but he has been backwards and forwards between us the whole time and lied constantly. Saying he loves me and wants to be with me and only goes back to her through guilt. HE then says to her that he has never loved me and regrets the day he met me. I have had emails texts etc from her but never once replied as I know I have been in the wrong, and my children and everything have got to know him although I have not been allowed to meet anyone from his family. And I now have the added pressure of her and my ex husband talking constantly. And they are saying they wont stop causing problems until the two of us are destroyed. After living with me for 6 months, he said he was going to go back through guilt. I told him that we should have no contact at all so I can get over him. And give him a fair chance. He then said he cant cope with never seeing me again and is now suggesting that he gets his own place to sort his head out because he knows deep down that it is me that he loves. Do I tell him that I dont want to see him again and cut it off now as he says he will then break contact with her, or do I trust him, keep him at a distance and see what actually happens. I love him so much, and have been through an awful lot already and dont know if I really should give up as I dont want to regret my decision. Please can you help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): They never leave their wife - because he would have done it by now. Unspoken rule is if they have not left their situation by 3 months they never will because they get too used to juggling both and having both. It is your responsibility to yourself and the life you have - your future - to leave him. Tell him straight. You've had enough and enough is precisely that. I managed it after 2 years waiting around for a married man when I degenerated and lost friends because I always said no to going out in case my married man would be free - of course he never was - but friends gave up on asking me. I realise how much time you wasted but its tough. However you can do it. What solved my own problem? Meeting a lovely guy that was available and treated me like a princess. It made me see my stupidity. The married man tried to get me back, especially when he realised me and this new guy were serious. The best bit was telling him to get lost. I had found proper happiness and you can too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): Thanks for your advice. There is something in all you say which makes sense. He has played us both and I know that he wants me to sit and wait around. The trouble is everytime I break it off or try and tell him to make a go of it with her he then begs me to give him a chance. It plays with your mind. Distance seems like the only option and starting again, its just so hard letting go. We have just been on a 2 week hol to travel Europe and then a week later he says he is going back. An hour later he is back. I need to look after myself like you all say
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A
female
reader, Lovely Sweet Laura  +, writes (9 July 2009):
 You should both dump him. Then perhaps he won't be so willy nilly about what he wants in the future. Wouldn't it be great if we could all just have one lover for each of day of the week and get away with it! haha Seriously though he is obviously confused about what he wants or he likes having both of you....either way it is not fair to anyone and it is selfish on his part. I would certainly create some distance and not see him until he has proven that he is devoted only to you and the divorce is final between he and his wife. Until that has happened you can never be assured that he won't run back to her. Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, Alisa  +, writes (9 July 2009):
I just gone thru a similar sitauation with my married lover of 18 months. The wife knew too. Infact, she and I would discuss him. He brought me to the house, around his kids, and they babysitted mine. the difference is I never wanted him to leave her for me. I just thought they would break up on their own. Why would a woman allow her husband to be with another woman? I'm certain he did this before, and she accepts it, until she is ready to leave if ever. They moved to another state, I haven't heard from him. He told her about the affair, two weeks before they left. He tried to pretend she didn't know, and so did she. He tells me we can't be friends, because she is going to feel some type of way. She never even cared to tell him not to be friends with me. It's been a month since we spoke, and it's been hard because I feel like I never knew him, or worst he never cared about me. If you want to avoid the same kind of hurt that I, and most people get in this sitauation you will just leave him alone. Nothing good comes out of these type of sitauations. Their marriage is messed up anyway. Soon or later things will come crashing down. Just make sure your not in the middle of their crash.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): Ok I will be as nice as possible. He is a married man... He is stringing you both along to get you both.. He is being selfish and does not care if you or the wife for that matter get hurt as long as he gets what he wants! I am sorry but I do not have sympathy for some1 that messes with a married man in the first place!! He made a commitment and usually they do not want to leave the wife, they just want a side thing to get something extra from!!! Sorry but you are being used!!! Move on and find someone that is emotionally avail. plus not married would help!! Why would you want to share anyways?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): I think you need some distance between yourself and this man, who seems very confused as to who he wants to be with. Why has his wife been so accepting of this affair? Is it because it has happened before and she knows he will come back to her in the end? I think for your own sanity you need to look after yourself, your family and concentrate on building a wider social life, and focus on all the good things you hold dear. He is wasting your time, sadly, and I wish you well in the future. You are worth more than what he offers.
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