A
male
age
51-59,
*idnighthour
writes:When i met my wife 23 years ago,she was dating a man who i knew and detested,she made it clear to me she had never slept with him,if she had i wouldn't have gone out with her.After a wonderful 23 years with her, i saw this man and asked her about him and you guessed it she did sleep with him.She had lied because she knew i wouldnt have gone out with her.This has absolutely torn me apart, i feel even closer to her now, but i cant get her and him out of my mind.It seems that him and her were only together last week ,not 23 years ago.I need to get him out of my head but cant seem to,please help. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, midnighthour +, writes (8 November 2007):
midnighthour is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answers they all really back up what i am thinking,and that is the past is the past ,it wont change,and to look forward
many thanks
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 The answer to your problem is contained within your question. You yourself said "I need to get him out of my head". That's exactly what you need to do.
What most people try to do in this situation is THINK ABOUT HOW TO GET HIM OUT OF THEIR HEAD. This is exactly the wrong thing to do, since by thinking about him, you are holding him in your head.
Instead you need to:
- Think about other things
- When you feel thoughts of him entering your mind, try to 'change the subject' in your head
- Keep a list of things that you like to think about, and try to think about these when you find yourself slipping
- Learn what 'triggers' your thoughts of him, and for the time being try to avoid those triggers as much as you can
- Don't believe that thinking about him will enable you to 'solve' this problem. There is only one problem: this guy being in your head. And only one solution: don't think about it.
If you struggle with this i highly recommend taking some classes in either meditation, tai chi or yoga. These train you to focus your thinking and push out unwanted thoughts, and can be a great help.
It is do-able. I had a similar problem that became all-consuming for a while, but i have managed to (eventually) teach myself to not think in those ways. It is a great relief and weight off my shoulders. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Angel dust  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 hi midnighthour... i know what you re going through as recently i was in the same situation as you are but i havent been that long with my partner god bless you both!! I know its defastating and tiring but it will pass .... its never enjoyable imagining your beloved partner with somweone else but you should nt as she is with you now. That past issue was never serious to her as she stopped seing him for you!! YOu were and still are important to her as she definately told you the truth. Probably the first time you asked her she lied coz she wanted you so badly... that if you would have known you would have gone out with her and have what you have today a stable relationship full of respect. You have make yourself stop thinking about that not so important thing as start thinking what you both have now. Every one has a past ... even u probably had sexual relationships .... so forget about it as you will only do harm to your self and to this relationship you have :) good luck ... i succeeded to forget and you will too :)
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A
female
reader, peaches83 +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Try looking at it from a different angle. You have been with her for the past 23 years not him. That is surly better than a fumble she had.
She has commited her life to you by staying with you this long.
Ok so she may have lied and done it to save your feelings.
Remember though the past is the past and all you have to look forward to is the future.
You came out of this situation as the better man.
Peaches
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 You still need to work through your feelings. What is it that is troubling you? Talk to her and be sure to express your feelings. It has been a long time since this happened and I am sure you will be able to work through it, but acknowledge and give yourself the time to heal as you've just learned the news.
This happened 23 years ago and probably has no emotional significance for her or him. The important thing is not what she did 23 years ago but what she has done in these 23 years. I am sure you guys are an example for a lot of young couples.
If you still have these feelings, after a period of time; or if they start to damage your relationship maybe you should consider visiting a psychologist or other type of counselor to help you sort this out. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, slickspurs +, writes (7 November 2007):
 The bottom line is you love her and she does you. Thats all that matters surely? 23 years together mate! That in itself speaks volumes..
Sounds to me like you envy this guy? Perhaps envy is the Wrong Word to use but it seems because of your own lack of self-esteem this guy really bothers you - even after 23 years!
Your wife chose you 23 years ago, not him ... Your the man, not him ...
If you really love your wife as im assuming you do, this really shouldn't be a bother. Yes sure she was wrong to lie and i do hope she apologised greatly for it but if your love for each other is strong - brush this minor issue asside and show this great women how much you love her!
Many people let the issues that really don't matter in life - destroy their life! Don't let this be you mate. Your lucky enough to find love. Don't let society or your own paranoia take it away.
If i helped a little, i'll be happy. All the best!
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