A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well, let's start it this way.I met this girl nearly half a year ago, and when I we started an official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for nearly 4 months already.We have always been in a long distance relationship since the start, and I knew it was not a good start, but I have been trying my best to keep it going.I was a once a cheater, it all happened last year. I cheated on my ex three times, and my excuse was that I felt lonely, and I needed an accompany since it was also a long distance.After I met my present girlfriend, I had not broken up with my ex yet, but I knew, it would not work out between us, since I cheated on her, and I knew I would do it on her again and again, because I took her forgiveness for granted. So I before I officially started this relationship with my girlfriend, I promised her that I would sort this mess out, and I told myself that I would treat this relationship seriously, and I am.Soon after we met, we started to be more intimate, more than just friends. However, I left the country a few weeks after, for my studies. So she stayed there, and we started our long distance relationship. During the "Honeymoon phrase", we chatted on phone, and webcam whenever we got time. Even thou it did not go all smoothly (she has a hot temper, and it did happen that she said she missed me too much and could not stand it, so she did not want to wait), I did try my best to save this relationship.Then Xmas holiday, I went back, and we had a pretty good time together for a few weeks. And here I went again. However, she would also go study aboard, somewhere which is quite close to me, so it would be possible to meet twice or three times a month.Even thou this girl has a very hot temper which I do not like, I try to understand that she probably has been spoilt by her family, and I believed she will eventually changed. Also, I do not want to give up a relationship easily, so every time when she asks for a breakup, I always ask her back, and wait for her to calm down and talk to her about it, and also tell her that I do not like saying breakup easily since once you say something, there will not be a turn back. And even I feel she is not respecting me that much, I can still tolerate it and as I said, I hope one day she will change.Before she went to the country where she studies, she came over to visit me first. One night, I did not know what I said to her that got her mad, she suddenly said she wanted to leave, and basically a breakup. It was heartbreaking, again. Since I said, I am trying to be serious into one relationship, I still didn't want to give up yet, and believed if we both have love for each other, it will eventually work out. Even I had this thought, after that night. I feel so insecure, and I keep thinking that it will happen again, I had been feeling very sad.However, this is not the main issue that I want to talk about, just trying to give some background information.What happened was after the visit, she went to that country to study. School has started for her, and we kept in touch, and would have at least a few texts everyday. She told me that studying there is very stressful. Time we spent to talk to each other was getting a lot lesser than before. My insecuritiness has got stronger and stronger, and I had some strange feelings and got a sixth sense about something. So the weekend after valentines day, I flew over to visit her, it was a sudden decision.I was actually both excited and scared to see her. Then the night, we went to the student bar, we were chatting, she wanted to tell me something but seemed a little obscured. So I asked her to tell me, she asked me not to be mad after she told me. I said to her that we had an agreement that we would tell each other everything, so I wanted her to tell me, otherwise I would be angry. Then she said, she honestly told me she cheated on me physically, with a boy who also has a long distance relationship. She cried when she started to tell me this. She said she was not serious about that, they did kiss and had sex once.When I heard about that, I was not angry, but rather sad and disappointed. I asked her why. She said she has been very stressful in this school and always feel lonely. I could not be there for her when she needed me. So I said to her, I also have physically needs, I also feel lonely, but why I could wait to see her, and she could not? I said to her, I would give her one chance, and I wanted her to promise me that this will never happen again. She agreed.I wanted her to know how serious this problem is in the relationship, so I did talk to her about it a several times. I said to her if she loved me, and wanted to be serious in this relationship, she then had to treat it seriously. I gave her a metaphor, saying I think this relationship is built on the bridge of trust, she broke part of the bridge this time, this relationship is already wobbly, but I push it back up because I want to save it from falling. So this time, I gave her another chance, and I hope if she actually saw this relationship seriously, she would treasure this chance. And I told her, if I could try changing myself for her, in fact, I have. I hope she can do the same.One afternoon, just before I came back, we went through this problem again, and I asked her, if she could promise me again, and I said I would try come visit more often, if she could stand the loneliness and wait for me. First, her answer was she didn't know, and said "just think that I have not 'played' enough", I asked her again, if she still wanted to be with me, then she had to think about if she could keep the promise again. She finally agreed.I met a several friends of her during this stay, and two of them did tell me about this, well that was because I started talking about this. People within that group all know about this, and they both said they would help me to keep their eyes on her, and anything happens, they will try to give her advice and tell her she still has a boyfriend.When I was in the airport, I still felt quite insecure, it is not that I do not want to trust her, but trust is never built in one day, once it is broken, it takes time to be rebuilt again. So I wanted to find someone with more experience and older who I think is more suitable to talk to. So I asked her mother for some advices. Before I told her, I didn't know if I should talked to her about this since she is still my girlfriend's mother. However, I know she is the person who understands her daughter the most, and I have met her for quite a few times, I believe she is someone who probably could sooth my feelings, that's why i chose to talk to her.She said to me, she love exists when it is in the heart, seeing each other everyday doesn't mean love. And she told me she still thinks that her daughter still loves me, because she could feel that she does care for me. Then she said she would pretend that she didn't know what happened, but would briefly talk to her about it. She said she thinks I am a good boyfriend and hope my girlfriend would respect this relationship.To be honest, I really want to trust her, but I am very scared. I can see the shadow of my past from her. I told her, even thou she and that boy was not serious about each other, and her friends said to they can tell she does love me and care for me, but I believe nothing is impossible. I told her I would never give it any chances for anything to happen (she may end up liking that boy for real) . And I told her, since I said I would give her this chance, I would then try my very best to trust you. It is because I think if I keep doubting, I will eventually ruin this relationship even if she has changed.I am writing to ask for different opinions. I know I probably will get replies like "once a cheater, always a cheater, just end it." , but I really want to give it another chance. Is there anything else I can do?I don't think I am mature enough to fix this problem myself, and I am not ready for a breakup yet.Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
a break, cheated on me, has a boyfriend, insecure, long distance, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Okay.. sorry i misunderstood that.. well you cheated on your ex .. and your present cheats on you.. ha ha ha man that is god's good one..
okay..
Since I'm here to give advices.. i'll give you an advice..
You know what is going through her head.. since you once cheated too.. you prolly are the one who knows quite well her mental picture.. more than all of us here...
""if you can understand the reason for her cheating.. figure it out.. and decide if its worth saving the relationship..""
And since you already have cheated you should know the reasons for her cheating as well.. and if you broke up the previous relationship because of the cheating.. then you prolly know how she is feeling as well...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the last comment, please would you read it properly before commenting
I cheated on my ex three times, and that's why I broke up with her because I knew it would not work out.
And this girl I am with now is my present girlfriend,a different girl who I am deeply committed to, and whom I am willing to change myself for.
I admit I was wrong, that's why I have changed myself and treat this present relationship seriously, and I will not cheat again, never. I know it does not work.
I am sorry if my post wasn't clear enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): wow.. once a cheater always a cheater??? are you talking about yourself?
The way I see it you should know what has gone through her head.. cos you did the same.. why did you cheat on her? is it for those reasons that you think you should break up with her..
I cannot believe she actually is in a relationship with you..
you didn't treat her right.. and she doesn't have anything to look forward to.. so she wants a break up.. which is the right decision on her part
as for her temper.. if a guy/girl cheats on their partner #3 times.. the anger is reasonable.. grow up... and leave her.. thanx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.First of all, "YouWish", I am not asking for any sympathies for me.I know I was wrong that I cheated. Life is all about learning, and improving. I admit I made mistakes, that's why I am trying to change myself to be a better person. Please, pretty girls do not mean I need to start a relationship with them. I am not looking for a LDR particularly, but when I feel that I have a connection and a feeling for a girl who I actually like, and I do feel that I want to be with her. So it left me only two options, one is to give up, an another is to commit into a relationship which unfortunately will be a LDR. If I chose to commit into this relationship, I then have to try my best, which I am doing.That's why I am trying to work out the solution to this problem.I am trying to prove myself to be trustworthy, that's why I have always been honest to her since I met her, without a single lie. And also, if she didn't trust me, she could have chosen not to start it with me or ended it me, instead of doing what I did wrong before.To be honest, you may still see this is a puppy love, but to me, I think once I chose to commit into a relationship, I think I should try my very best, to keep it going. Otherwise I should not have wasted my time to commit to something I do not even try.Thank you for all of your replies and luck anyways
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Are all of the local girls in your area ugly and look like hairy grizzly bears? Why are you looking for long distance relationships? Those do not work very well, especially if they're indefinite with no finite plans to reunite (for example...a 12 month military deployment, or a year at college with a firm return date).
It's hard to have sympathy for you, because now you feel what you put your first girlfriend through. You cheated, so now you were cheated on with the woman who you cheated on your first girlfriend with. of course there would be no trust from you! The whole relationship started out under dishonest pretenses! What do you expect??
I think you should break it off and find someone local who won't go out of town and you two can build a proper face-to-face relationship with.
...............................
A
female
reader, amandang1208 +, writes (26 February 2012):
 I know you are going through a difficult time and it has to be so stressful. I have only one bit of advice from all that you wrote, and that is do not ever committ to a long-distance relationship. It rarely ever works. We all wish it could, but in reality, there are too many obstacles we have to face. We are lonely, we are wondering what the other person is doing, if they are being faithful, and if they are telling the truth. If you love this person, you will find a way to come together and work it out. Otherwise, find someone at home, that you can connect with. That is your best bet. Good luck!!
...............................
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Honestly, I would like to say that perhaps you and her are not ready to be in a relationship with one another at this point in time. You both seem to need the physical closeness that can often make or break a relatiobship and the fact that you have both been with someone else is a classic sign that you are both lacking something emotionally or physically during this incredibly difficult time of separation.
Perhaps it might be better to take time to be together in the future when you are ready instead of trying to be together now when you clearly both need something more - but clearly can't let go of one another.
I wish you both the best of luck!
...............................
|
