A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am asking for further guidance on a work related situ. I am a 30 year old female who has recently started a new job in the health service, I have an approachable management team.I am saving up to move out of parents household and I desire to thrive in my workplace with tasks, possible transfer and building relationships. I have experienced personal questions from a male fellow colleague who is a muslim, married to 2 women, he asked me whether I am married which I felt uncomfortable with. I feel he and another older male colleague are over friendly with me which I have expressed with one of them privately how it made me feel and he took it the wrong way.I do nor want to make bad waves in this new place of work or for people to wrongly accuse me of being disinterested/unsociable. I am a bit nervous about having to occasionally communicate with these two, but want to work in harmony with my team.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (16 November 2021):
 Some people at work are just bored and like to be nosey. They ask questions that are not any of their business. I worked with a woman like that. Every morning she would come into my office plop her butt down and start almost what felt like an interrogation with me. Subtle hints that I had work to do did not help. I just started changing the subject every time and finally one morning she said "you aren't going to talk about your personal life are you?" I just smiled.
You don't have to answer anything you don't want to. Set boundaries. Perhaps the men were just being friendly who knows. If you don't want to talk though then dont. Change the subject every time. Most people will eventually get the hint.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): I'm not sure if our advice will be effective. It's a matter of personality. You seem to be too concerned about how people perceive you. It is difficult to advise individuals who worry too much about what people think; because how you interact with others involves self-control, assertiveness, tact, and self-confidence. You have to develop these attributes with effort and experience.
You have to learn that you do not build personal-relationships by divulging your personal-feelings to co-workers. You should always be polite and cooperative when the situation calls for it; but keep your non-work-related opinions and criticisms of others to yourself. If you have a problem you can't resolve with a co-worker, or colleague; you either take it to your immediate-supervisor, or Human resources. You seem to overthink and expose your personal-feelings to people who aren't really privy to that kind of information.
You're an educated-professional, in her 30's; so you know what it means to be a "professional." You should keep your personal-life private. You can be cordial, but you don't have to make people at work your "friends."
People may be friendly (to your face); but they sometimes think you're a kook when you're discussing non-work-related personal-matters with people who hardly know you...or may not care to get to know you. You are there to work. You are there to prove your efficiency, demonstrate your work-proficiency, and ability to be a valued part of a team. If you need friends or romance; that's relative to your personal-life, not your job. You don't seem to know where to draw the line between your personal-life and your professional-life.
If someone asks you a personal-question, you simply tell them that you consider what they've asked to be information too personal to share. What's so hard about that? Divulging your business to anybody who asks doesn't make them like you. In fact, they'll disrespect you for being an adult, and not knowing any better. Being soft and flimsy around people will wear you out, both emotionally and psychologically.
You're an adult, working with other adults. If people cross a line, you tell them they've crossed a line. If they persist; you take it to your supervisor, or report it to Human Resources. If you're new, that doesn't mean you have to deal with harassment; or guys hitting on you. If you're sending the wrong signals, because you aren't good at interacting with other grown-ups; then maybe you should read books and published articles on that subject. There are literally millions of publications out there on the topic. How to interact with others in difficult situations in your work environment.
You don't want to make people think you're disinterested/unsociable? You're at work, that's not a professional concern, that's personal. If you don't want to be asked about your personal-life, you either change the subject; or decline to answer the question. You do not discuss issues between you and co-workers casually with others within the department; you take it to the immediate-supervisor, or to the Human Resources Department. Where it will be investigated discretely.
If people decide they don't like you, there is sometimes nothing you can do about that. If you focus on doing your job to the best of your ability; these irrelevant matters don't become a big issue. It is way better to be respected on the job, than to make friends. The company policy and ethics manual compels employees to behave, and instructs everyone how to conduct themselves on the clock. You don't have to do that; that's why you have a manager or supervisor.
If someone is hitting on you, that is sexual-harassment. You firmly ask them to stop; and tell them you will report it, if he doesn't stop. You can't work in the real-world scared of people. It will drive you insane; or you will find yourself constantly going from job to job. Always the new-person; because you can't figure-out how to be a professional, and stop cornering yourself into sticky situations. Not having a clue how to deal with anything. Anything you don't know, you research for answers in your company's ethics manual; or go straight to HR, and find-out what the company's policy is on certain situations.
Men coming-on to you on the job is not your fault. If you feel too intimidated to handle the matter; you have to report it your supervisor, or HR. I don't mean to be redundant, but you really should know these things already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): I dont think asking if you are married is that personal a question so long as it was asked as a friendly question and not asked in any was as part of a recruitment process or to judge your ability to do your job. You dont have to answer personal questions. Just say "I'll let you guess" and then if they guess just say "maybe". If they make you feel uncomfortable you have to ask yourself why. Is it their behaviour? Or is it just that you are shy?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 November 2021):
 I think you are making a huge mountain out of a tiny molehill here. Just because someone asks you a question, does not mean you have to answer it or disclose any information.
I find the best way to avoid intrusive and/or unwanted questions is to either change the subject completely or ask a question back. For example, "Are you married?" can be answered with "Why are you asking?" Or you can pointedly refuse to answer the question by saying "Maybe" and smiling. If the other person then presses for an answer, by saying "you didn't answer my question", simply say "that's right, I didn't" and smile again.
To be honest, asking about your marital status is a common question at work. I am not sure why you find it so offensive. Is it perhaps because you feel ashamed that you are not married? Surely that is nobody's business but your own? Everyone's life is different and everyone moves through life at their own pace.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2021):
 You have several choices here.
1. you can answer honestly.
2. you can tell them you prefer to keep your private life, private. You can just shrug.
3. You can be blunt and tell them:" that is a rather personal question and not really any of your business". This can be done politely but firmly.
4. You can cut the conversation short by being "Oh, so busy and having to some or other chore - over there (and away from that person).
5. You can ask another female staff member how she would deal with it. If you get one well with one of them.
6. You can switch topics. It works really well. And it will make you seem to engage without having to share personal information you are NOT willing to share.
To be honest, I don't really think it's a super personal question to ask if you are married. I, personally, would just reply with a yes or a no. No need to elaborate. Now if they ask WHY you are not married, you can decide IF you want to answer or just shrug.
If you feel HE and the other male coworker is TOO familiar or TOO friendly, then you set boundaries, you back up and step away.
If there are inappropriate touchings you need to nip it in the bud. Again, setting some boundaries is totally OK.
YOU get to choose what you WISH to share with others, OP. Remember that. You do not OWE anyone your personal information.
I'd say perhaps go for option #6 and just switch topics. EVERY single time they ask questions you find too personal. Maybe in time, they will get the hint.
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