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age
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*ppalledfather
writes:Normally I am a very proud father who tries to stay out of my grown kids business but after a recent family vacation / wedding I am disappointed in my sons actions. My son Ryan is 23 yrs old and has been dating his gf Jill (20) for alittle over a year now. They live out of town but any time we see them together he is respect, sweet guy. We were invited to my nieces weddign in Cuba and as a family we went with Jill joined us. I understand that Ryan is an adutl and that this was a vacation for them but this actions were a disgrace. Each day he partied and drank like a college kid on spring break. My night fall he was drunk. He was partically mauling Jill at every moment he seen her. He made several comments while in front of others that were out of line. He would be dancing and fondlign her and say things like `` oh your going to get it tonight`` in a sexual way or grabbign her ass and saying how he couldnt wait for `` a piece of that``. One night after partying we met them in the hotel hallway and had to help them open their room door because he couldnt keeps his hands off her long enough. I have never seen this side of him and I feel he made a fool out of himself and our family. We havent spoken since the trip (we left a day earlier then they did). They are coming to visit this weekend for another family event and I`m not sure if I will be able to spend the weekend with out saying omething to him. Am I over reacting or should I tel him how I feel?
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 HI
Im so glad you spoke face to face with your son, it's always better this way, as you say you cant see his reaction on the phone. im really pleased you have sorted this out now. Hope your next family get together is fantastic.
Mandy xx
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Good for you that you said something and it sounds like the face to face approach paid off.
Thank you for the follow up.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (22 February 2012):
Being 24 myself I have noticed that 'youth' spans a longer time today than it did in the past. This is because of our educational system, where people in their twenties are often still studying for their degrees and therefore still 'stuck' as it were, in their young student lifestyles. They don't have to face the responsibility of adulthood. Of course I'm generalizing here, not everyone is like this, but in broad strokes, they are.
I have friends varying in ages from 18 to 28 and there isn't much difference between them when it comes to social lives. They all go out, they all get drunk and that to them is 'fun'. I personally don't really like alcohol and partying, but I am the odd one out compared to many people my age.
Your son considers this as normal. Therefore he will not change. He will wave away your reaction. However, you can arrange with affected family members not to invite him again. News of a family event will reach him anyway, and hopefully he gets the message that way. If you're not up for that, let your silence speak for you. Don't give him attention when he behaves like that. Only acknowledge him when he's sober and sane.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Sigh, my post came after your follow up. You've said your piece, and as you see, the aunts here can sympathise with your views, and we are all different people.
As I said, the young are like this sometimes... until he then becomes a father and faces embarrassment, he probably won't understand. I hope you will leave it, this isn't something to divide a family on, but I know your probably feeling hurt and shocked right now. To quote Philip Larkin.. "Sexual intercourse began in 1963 (which was rather late for me) -- Between the end of the Chatterley ban and the Beatles first LP." He thinks he invented sex (and rock n' roll), just like young children think that the old don't have it
Only time will change his way of thinking... sorry
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A
male
reader, appalledfather +, writes (22 February 2012):
appalledfather is verified as being by the original poster of the questionafter my phone call with Ryan I wa so pissed off that i drove the 2 hr drive to talk him face to face. I know my son he can say what he wants on a phone but he would never be disrespectful to my face and sure enough I was right. When he answered the door to me he looked like a little kid who just got caught stealing from the cookie jar. I explained to him how bad he looked to everyone else and how fro some of them it being their first time metting Jill it could have easily given them the wrong impression of her. after talking with him I realize that maybe I am getting old but regardless I raised him better then to disrespect himself or Jill and even though he may not have been on purposely trying to disrespect her he did.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2012):
As you say, you've never seen him act like this before and your not one to interfere. Hopefully this is not his usual behaviour and after a word from you he won't act like this again. I have a feeling he probably doesn't see anything wrong because he was too busy having fun and concentrating on the girlfriend. Young people can be like that sometimes.
Hope all goes well.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (21 February 2012):
HI
yes I think thats best, give him a call and talk this through, it's easy for people who have not been in this situation to jump down your throat as to what your duties are as a father, but unless they have been in your shoes they really should not judge. As for Jill, no wonder why your boiling over this. Neither of them had any respect for you and your family this particular time, which leads me to believe this is quite the norm for them. I would be inclined to also speak to her and explain this might be how she behaves infront of her family and friends, but it's not how you want her to behave around yours, and if she cant control herself either, then she is not welcome. It may cause a few problems with your son, BUT he needs to understand YOUR house YOUR rules.
I hope you manage to get this sorted. keep me posted.
Mandy x
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A
male
reader, appalledfather +, writes (21 February 2012):
appalledfather is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI called Ryan and he doesnt think he was out of line at all. He told me that I was old fashion and didnt know how to have fun. When I asked him if he thought having half of our family talking about him was his idea of fun he said that he didnt live his life to worry about what others thought of him. Normally I would agree with him about that but in this situation I do care.
I asked him if he thought Jill was ok with his actions and his response was that Jill had a blast on vacation. Really ? I must be getting old because I couldnt imagine my wife having a "blast" while I drunkenly fondled her in front of my family.
I tried to explain to him that his actions looked bad and he turned it around to me wanting him to pretend he was someone he wasnt. Which totally floored me because i have never wanted him to pretend that and that person i saw in Cuba that wasnt my son. so now I dont know what more to do or say. he ended up hanging up on me and telling me he would quote "fuck is gf what ever he way he wanted" class act fo sure
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A
male
reader, appalledfather +, writes (21 February 2012):
appalledfather is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJill didnt seem to mind his behaviour at all. She drank daily (not near the amount of my son) and seemed to almost enjoy the attention she was getting from him. The only time she seemed the least bit uncomfortable was the night in the hallway but as soon as I got the room door open for them she grabbed his arm, pulled him into the room laughing and kissing him.
I wondering if this is the way they would act with us and other family members around who do they act at a party alone.
I do plan on calling him up tonight and talking to him. I honestly dont think I can talk to him in person with out becoming intense and since we will have other family here I dont need another scene.
I am hoping the reason he hasnt called since is because now that everything is over he does have a few regrets. regardless I will be telling him if he cant behave like a grown up while drinking then he really needs to learn how to have fun with out drinking.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 February 2012):
Not sure why you haven't said something in the begining. You've just been watching all this and saying nothing, why not, this is your son and you brought him into this world, isn't it your job to provide guidance. If a man friend, a brother or even your own father acted like this, you should have been confident to have a word. With your own son this is doubly true. As a friend, as a father, you go talk to them when their behaviour is destructive or abnormal. It's called caring. They may not be aware of how their behaviour will affect them in the future. So it's up to you to try and tell them. He is disrespecting his girlfriend Jill and treating her like a sex object. Because of his drinking he looks like a fool, and people will distrust his capabilities. After seeing him, which relative wants him at the next wedding.
He's your son, your son for life. You told him off when he was naughty at 5, when he tried to lie at 10, now his 23 and naughty again. This time you can't shout or punish, he's an adult, but you can show your disappointment of him right now. Same goes for if he's 40, or 80. Your job in life is to help him through it in the best way you can, and sometimes that means interfering.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (21 February 2012):
HI
im all for letting your hair down and having fun, but your son completely over stepped the mark here. You sound like a very patient man, I think I would have hit the roof there and then if that were me. He obviously can not handle his drinking, and im sure jill was just as embarrassed as you were. Yes I think the serious you needs to let him know this is not exceptable, and if he is to be staying for another get together he is to limit his drink or dont drink at all. He may regret what has happened himself already, and just dont know what to say, but regardless his old enough to know how he should behave when in company. Have you spoke to Jill about this? if so what was her reaction to this? Take a deep breath then call your son before the next gathering, ask him to come over to see you asap. I wouldn't do this infront of anyone as tempting as it is, it will probably only make matters worse . He will be more likley to listen to you and respect what you have to say when its just the two of you.
I hope this helps
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (21 February 2012):
Your outrage is totally appropriate and you should definitely say something. Being an adult does not mean we're free to act any way we wish. It means, or ought to mean, we are old enough to know better and act accordingly.
Drunken, boorish behaviour does not occur in a bubble far removed from others. Everyone was affected by it and your son needs to know that.
I recommend being direct and brief. Don't mince words and don't pull him aside and say it in private. Better for him to suffer a little embarrassement now than more serious consequences later. A few words and a stoney silence make a greater impression than does a long lecture.
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