A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for almost eight years. We've had ups and downs but not quite like the down we are going through now. My husband seems to be more interested in other activities that take him / his time away from me. I do not think hes cheating as much as I feel like he just doesn't enjoy me or my company anymore. :*( I've talked to him about it and I straight out ask him, "Are you happy?" his reply was .... I don't know, i don't know I mean yes I guess as happy as I've ever been. That crushed me! And he does make some small efforts like helping w chores and stuff but chores isn't our problem. He is on a board for a school league and to me it feels like he is overly involved! It's one phone call after another one meeting after another and they just keep going and going!!! I don't know what to do. I cry about this everyday. I love him so much. I am resentful of the other activities he gets involved with. I end up hating them because he loves them more than me. And if he doesn't he sure as hell takes better care of them than he does my feelings!
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 thats what im talking about :D
keep us posted, and have fun, you deserve it.!!
Mandy x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question:-) thank you! I'm going to try by best to get my own life!
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (21 February 2012):
HI
you say you used to go out with a girlfriend , but now your not because your still thinking about him and that your fear his enjoying the time your not there.......you have got to try and get a grip on this ( not trying to be mean ) :( try and look at this as your single but just dating eachother, go about your own buisness and let him do the same...now I know you may think oooh great he will love that...but STOP dont think just do, because from experience I can tell you he will really start to get concerned as to why your so happy and not bothering him anymore, why your doing yourself up, getting fit, going out with friends, and he WILL want to be involved again, but dont cut him off completely, be loving still, have great conversations, rememeber how you were when you first met, I give it a month tops and he will be kissing your feet lol xx
hope this helps
Mandy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ALL much!!!!!!! I feel better just talking with other ppl that's been through this. I must say I'm scared to throw myself into busy activities because it may never change. I'm afraid he'll love me being away which will give him complete and utter bliss that I'm not asking for love/affection. Then what... I want him to stop and look at how he's hurting me and how a wife wanting time with her husband is NOT a bad thing. If he loves me why is this so hard for him to do? He travels a lot for work so it's not like we've ever spent a great deal of time together to begin with. What if he decides the distance is good and he just wants more of it..... And I can't stop crying to him over this. He keeps telling me all the things he has to do and meetings he's scheduled that Are Not work related and I just break down!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
We do have 1 11 year old son and whole we go through things with him this time has nothing to do with him. I used to do many things outside the home with a girlfriend. As often as two days a week. But I feel like my husband just enjoyed the time I was away so he could play Xbox the whole time. I an very thankful for your advice! I haven't talked to anyone about what we are going through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): I been in your shoes, my hb was involved in a startup company and I saw him, like, 4 hours a week total. And this went on for several years. It hurt that he was thoroughly enjoying the ride and didn't seem to notice I even existed (except when he wanted sex that is, which further put me off even more since that's the only time he paid any attention to me).How did I handle it? Since he was so consumed in his own life outside the marriage, I decided to do the same. I stopped waiting around, and I refused to nag or cry at him to guilt trip him into spending more time with me. If I was not on his priority list, how would making noise change it genuinely. Why should asking him to change, lead him to want to change? So I went out and developed my own life separate from him. That's what you should do too. You can't spend your life waiting around for someone to notice you, even if that someone is your own spouse. He is choosing to ignore you in favor of other things higher on his priority list. You can't do or say anything that will make him place a higher priority on you because that's his own personal value judgment of what he considers important or not.now it's been many years and ironically the roles are reversed. Now I have my own life that is fluorishing, while my hb sits at home moping that I don't have time for him and I'm trying to tell him to get a life. I can't say that it is a happy marriage, but it is a lot better now than it used to be for me at least, cos I refused to make my happiness be dependent on someone who was unavailable and didn't want to be around.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (21 February 2012):
Hi
it's so sad when a marriage hits a stagnant stillness. You were both pretty young when you married, and im guessing this is maybe why he is now trying to recapture some youth, along time,other activities suggest he needs this. I dont think he is unhappy with you, May I suggest ( I know this will be hard for you ) that you back off a little, in regards to his activities for a while, maybe find your own things to do, like going to the gym, getting your hair and nails done, buy a new outfit, let him see YOU having fun and being happy with yourself,and he will start to pull back towards you and realise what his doing and missing. When your married for so long things become a habbit, we just take eachother for granted without realising it, and sometimes expect too much from one and other, this can feel like a bird trapped in a cage, although you love eachother you want to be set free at times. As you said you dont feel like he is cheating, and I make you right I dont think so either. As hard as it is you need to try and give that space, abcense makes the heart grow fonder. you dont mention if you have children? again this can put a strain on relationships at times, its hard work keeping a family together and happy, but if you can get through this you can get through anything.
I hope this helps
Mandy xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): Hi Anonymous,
Congratulations on the 8 years thus far! Everyone experiences the ups and downs, and people go through various phases not only in relationships, but individually as well.
Your husband saying he doesn't know, that "yes he guesses he is as happy as he has ever been" means he is probably going through a phase that he himself is not sure of yet what it is. He is probably thinking about different things, and only in time will it make sense. Sometimes we need introspective time before being able to share what is on our mind. Him being very active on this school league is a way to be busy while figuring out things in his mind/his life.
At this stage, I'm sure your being supportive of his activities and encouraging him in his endeavours would garner more peace and happiness for both of you, instead of the resentment you feel towards the activities, which make him feel pressure/negative.
I'm sure you shared with him at the beginning of these activities how much you love him, want to be with him, and want to spend time with him. He knows this, yet he has chosen to be busy with them. It must be giving him positive reinforcement which makes him feel good.
As his wife, you matter more than anything, so your feelings ARE VALID. You should feel a priority, and your feelings should be addressed. If you've discussed it and nothing has changed, then being needy won't help other.
I would suggest you have a balanced life - like when you were single more than 8 years ago. You must have had a career/family/friends/hobbies/interests that kept you fulfilled until you met him and you got married. We cannot rely on another person to make us happy. We have to find our own happiness, be fulfilled as an individual and then share our lives with someone else.
So whether you are busy with work which keeps you busy and fulfilled. Or meet up with family and friends to talk about each other's lives, or what is going on in the world. Or find a passion you have never realised and pursue it - be it sports, arts and culture, entertainment, etc. Do all those things, feel the contentment from them, and then when you reconnect with your husband each evening, both of you have something to share of your day. Then make priority/quality time with each other. Be it a date night, or an activity you can both do together. I'm sure you will find a big change if you do this. How does it sound? Your husband will begin to miss you, will search you out again and you will inspire him.
Also look for the book by John Gray called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Specifically look at Chapter 6, and I quote:
"Chapter 6: Men Are Like Rubber Bands
Men periodically bolt for cover when they suddenly fear that their self-sufficiency is becoming threatened. At these times they may become utterly unapproachable, demanding the right to be left on their own and to be allowed not to express their feelings, but if given support by being afforded space for a little while, they will soon feel better and spring back into their usual loving selves once again. It can be hard for women to handle the suddenness and speed with which men bolt for cover, and then subsequently spring back.
At times when men retreat into themselves, they can assist their partners not to be overly concerned or take it personally by providing some brief reassurance that they will return in due course. Women should resist the temptation to try to drag their partners back prematurely or criticise them over this natural behaviour."
Also Chapter 13:
"Chapter 13: Keeping the Magic of Love Alive
In relationships, unresolved negative feelings can pop up without warning, and we suddenly become upset, or sensitive, or distant. When this happens to our partners we should encourage them to work through it, accepting that it may take some time and that they may need support from outside as well as from ourselves, and do our best to control any impatience or resentments we may feel towards them during these times.
Love inevitably changes over time: the pristine bliss we feel when we first fall in love doesn’t last forever, and over time our personal faults and negative baggage inevitably become exposed. But if we stick tight through the ups and downs of life and each other, then our initial bliss gradually changes into a mature form of love which can become stronger and fuller with every passing year."
I hope this helps you, and you see the change you desire.
Wishing you happiness
xxxx E
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