A
male
age
36-40,
*S4 quattro
writes:Hi, I'm a depressed 23 year old male. My father abandoned my family when i was 3. My mother did the same when i was 15. The two of them are remarried and they have kids and lives of their own. My younger sister, who has a younger kid of her own, and I got into a massive fight so I havent talked to her in 1.5 years. My brother pretends I do not exist at all, and so is my grandfather and most of my relatives. The remaining relatives seem to be too busy to just even say hi or a visit, I literally have to beg them to talk to them, they don't seem to be interested in me telling them my problems. Also my mother has literally fought most of my relatives, sometimes even they want me to go to their house(s) for a visit, they want me out asap, because their scared of my mother. So the only thing I have in my life is friends that I can talk to in school. But it bothers me a lot because they have things that they take for granted, that i don't have, and I feel like crying when they talk about how wonderful their parents or sisters or cousins are. I have spent the last 5 Christmases just sitting by myself in my apartment, just to highlight how bad my situation is.Another thing is I have tried to make amends with my sister. I have been involved in numerous fights before and it seems like the only way she can be ok with me is if i back down and let her win the arguments, even when it is clear who's right , who's not. I'm not saying I'm always right, but I don't think I'm the bad guy every time a fight breaks out . But the bigger problem is what matters to her is not our little family but her boyfriend and child. She wants me to give her money for her child, but won't even call me or send text message to say hi or something. Last time for example, she refused to take me to the airport but decided hanging out with her boyfriend was a better deal. So I kinda feel like I dont matter at all, i'm not part of the family. I have told my parents I don't like what they are doing and this messy situation but they insist they can do as they want with their lives and cannot tell them what to do. So how do I deal with this? Please let me know if you have any thoughts, I'll greatly appreciate you opinions. Thank you for reading my sad story.
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female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I think you are looking at this situation all wrong and allowing it to affect your mood.First, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that your negative thoughts are because you are depressed. Part of it is situational and part of it is chemical.You have to have a different perspective on your family. Being able to rationally look at the situation and weed out good/bad people in our lives takes some training. Sometimes we get this training in our childhoods other times we have to figure out on our own in adulthood. Counseling will give you the tools to figure this situation out and the most appropriate way to deal with it.Look for a community counseling service that is free or if you have counseling through your work/insurance go there. Try a psychologist who does psycho analysis because they'll really delve deep into the past and help you deal with your feelings and actions in the present.Now in terms of your situation, you are projecting other peoples ill behavior onto yourself. That somehow they are rejecting you, that you behaved badly in the past, that you're not loved by them and so on. When really, it is an issue with THEM and the way they treat people. NOT YOU specifically. Just people in general. Whether it is family or friends, when people mistreat you and cross boundaries, simply nicely tell them 1. what they did 2. how it made you feel and 3. what will happen next time they do it again. No shouting, no swearing, no need to be combative. Its a tool you'll learn in counseling. So for example your sister ditches you and doesn't give you a ride to the airport, you say, "Jackie, you just decided not to take me to the airport when I have no other options in getting their. By doing this I'm made to feel insignificant and not important to you. Please don't do this again as next time I won't trust your word".Or an even firmer approach, " Jackie, you just decided to not help out your own brother as you promised you would. This unreliable and inconsistant behavior makes me feel not important to you. If it happens again I'm going to re-evaluate our relationship and how much effort I put into it".Give people a second chance, they've had a warning about the consequences of their unloving behavior. Now this is the tricky part, if it does happen again than you really do have to hold them accountable. Remind them of the consequence and stick to it till there is an apology. So if the consequence for a family member that swears at you is to not call them anymore. Then don't call them. UNTIL they call you and apologize. Then you start fresh.NOW, sometimes people are just so selfish and relationships so unhealthy that this approach does not work. If there is abuse, violence, mistreatment, verbal/mental mistreatment, people who are disloyal or dishonest or unreliable, controlling, and so on... then it is time to set some boundaries for yourself. NOT EVERYONE IS BORN TO A WONDERFUL FAMILY. However, you are given the opportunity in life to learn from your familys mistakes and not continue them. This means, distancing yourself from your family and leading a healthy life, it might mean severing all ties and having no contact with a person thats not good to you, it might mean loosening all ties and talking to these family members once in a while. Its really upto you and dependents on the level of mistreatment. AND THIS IS OKAY. Ideally we should all come from wonderful families, but that is not the case for MANY people out there.YOu have to make sure that you become an adjusted and healthy adult who deals with conflict well. Who can lead an emotionally healthy life and eventually when the time is right, create your own loving and good family. This might truly mean severing or distancing yourself from your toxic family and seeking counseling.So chin up. Believe me your not the only one in this boat. Its sad when people we should trust and who should be good to us are not. However its not about YOU, its about their own issues. Your not the bad person here, their behavior is. Hence, evaluate the situation and decide which people are loving/kind and worth keeping in your life and which are not. Surround yourself instead with loving and good friends. Learn from the way their families function in order to see good examples you can utilize one day when you create your won family.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 sounds like your family are a bunch of selfish users and this has left you feeling like you only exist to be taken for granted. you need to move on and believe in yourself a bit more.
when your mum left, were you left on your own with your siblings? who was the guardian in charge? if both parents left you on your own without any help when you were fifteen you are better off without them as they sound selfish and irresponsible.
you need to work on building your self esteem up, you can do it. sometimes having a bit of faith that good things can happen to you will bring you more positive situations. you already have friends but i understand its not quite the same as family. sounds like your extended family just avoid you as they dont want any connection to your mother. if your sister only wants money off you she's another user you can do without until she values you for more than her own personal gain.
life is hard and sometimes incredibly shit but you are not the only one who this has happened to. my grandmother was orphaned by 15 and although its not the same the feelings of abandonment were probably similar. she had five children and now has loads of family that are her grandchildren . look for someone who loves you (that you love back) and maybe in time you will make YOUR own family.
best of luck xxx
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