A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right here we go I've been dating this girl for a good year now and as far as our interactions with each other are concerned all is going swimmingly. Im in my mid 20's and this is my first serious relationship as I knew throughout my "silly" years that i wasnt anywhere near ready to take on the responsibility and also i wanted to enter a relationship knowing exactly who i am, what i want and how i want to get it. So i met this girl who is about 4 years my senior and we hit it off. We sleep together which i thought was a bit soon but i cant hold it against her as it takes 2 to tango. Within a few weeks we decide to go it steady.So heres where the problems start. When we stared dating she basically tried to give me the impression that she was careful with her choosing of men and that she only ever dated one at a time. I take this with a grain of salt as i know she is probably trying to tell me what she thinks i want to hear, no biggie. So she has this problem of being unable to say no, too kind and what not and i would say edging towards BPD. As a result red flags are popping up all over the place so i decide that its in my interest to explore her past. I explore a little and she tells me that she slept with a couple of her guy "friends" ok she comes from a social scene shit happens. Then she gets calls and messages from guys, to which she doesnt respond however she doesnt tell them to back off either, so we fight i get on her case and after some badgering she does something. Next another friend that i didnt know she slept with makes a move on her while i go to the toilet. She does nothing to defend me but she does walk away from him, she tells me the next day and comes clean about sleeping with him. I start getting sick of all the surprises so i give her an amnesty and tell her about my past. I tell her that im prepared to deal with anything if she is up front about it i do warn her that if i find out any different from other people the trust is gone and i go with it. She comes clean about cheating on 2 of her ex boyfriends and some other indiscretions. Naturally im hit for 6 by all this and i try to deal with it but its not really easy to hear. Eventually i do get over it and things start progressing again. I still have a feeling tho that information is being withheld.Now before anyone decries my wanting to know about her past, i have heard both sides of the argument and i strongly feel that if you are meant to be together you will be together regardless of the details. I believe honesty is the most integral part of any relationship and that you cannot call a lie by any other name. I also believe that it is my choice as to who i want to be with and what i want to deal with so i believe i am well within my rights to find out and if she loves and respects me she will give me the option not "force" me to stay via false information.Anyway i keep fishing and fishing and eventually i painted a pretty accurate picture in my head. So it comes to our anniversary and it was always my plan to give her one last amnesty. So i do but i warn her that regardless of where we get to in life, if i find that she has lied to me i will leave no matter the cost. So she comes clean about more. How she cheated on all three of her ex boyfriends 2 of them multiple times and one of them via an affair and by sleeping with one of her friends boyfriends. Naturally this is pretty hard to take but whats harder to take is that she spoke to said boyfriend of her friend and discussed telling me about their indiscretion, however he told her not to and she followed. I understand people make mistakes but people also take responsibility for their mistakes and dont do them dozens of times. Now her past relationships were abusive either emotional or physical however im of the belief that one should just get some courage and leave not cheat. Now i kind of feel like i resent her and i almost dont want to be here, im hoping this feeling will pass but im worried. I know she loves me now and that she has a different view with me and a different view of herself. However what happens if she doesnt love me? Will she do the same to me instead of giving me the respect i deserve and just breaking up with me? I want to get advice from my circle but i know they will crucify her and if i do choose to stay then they will not like her at all making things difficult for me. I do not judge people by what they do to other people but only by what they do to me, but honestly ive cut people out of my life for less.I know it seems easy but at the end of the day i love her and i am a better person with her. Im questioning whether she can change despite going down a similar path with me. Not quite cheating but lies have a habit of snowballing.Your input is appreciated
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affair, anniversary, her ex, her past, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): Thank you to all who have input it's given me alot to think over.
She is going to counselling to deal with her side of things and I'm going to counseling to deal with the wounds that this has opened. At the end of the day the badgering wouldn't have happened if one was told all the details when they first asked. The anniversary amnesty wouldn't have happened if all was told when she told me that she had "told me everything". What is unfair about wanting to know what your getting into? Is it fair to ask someone to charge blindly into gunfire? At the end of the day I stand by my right to ask, I wouldn't have held the events against her if there was some sort of indication that she dealt with it and it wasn't going to affect our relationship. If the precautionary measures Hadnt have been taken then this could have ended badly for both sides.
At the end of the day what I needed to see was remorse and a change of behavior. People don't magically change it's a very involved process that one needs to be fully aware of.
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (11 February 2011):
I don't like cheaters at all. I can hardly handle a cheating confession, even if it is on the past.
However I believe that ONE infidelity in your past can be understood —under certain circumstances. But having cheating over most of her ex boyfriends only makes you see as the next victim. And specially when she hid it from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): You need to get out for both of your sakes. Is her past indicative of future cheating? Maybe. Is your constant badgering and dwelling on it extremely destructive to the relationship? Definately. I'm sorry, but giving someone "amesty" to discuss past relationships or transgressions is not a anniversary present, and saying that you will leave if you discover she ever lies to you is not a sign of a healthy relationship. Couples compromise, not lay down ultimatum after ultimatum, and rehash events that A) can't be changed, and B) ultimately, had nothing to do with you. This is not fair to her, and once the seed of paranoia has been planted (and clearly it has), it's not fair to you either to continue to suppress your suspicions and act like everything is OK. You might love each other, but hiding feelings like that will end the relationship eventually. You might want to talk to a therepist or counseler before you take your next leap, as there are some clear trust issues here that might have been minor when you were single, but have obviously been aggrevated and escalated during this realtionship, and you'll want to get rid of those before you venture into something new. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (11 February 2011):
I wish I had something more positive to say, but the harsh reality is I've been badly burned by women who have a history of cheating. I don't think they change. If she cheated on her ex's, particularly THREE of them, then you will be in constant danger of her cheating on you. Another red flag is how she deals with the guys constantly hitting on her, and that's made more severe by the fact that these guys are friends. They know her, so they're aware she's "easy" and they want some action.
I'd run the other way, but you are the one that has to live with your decision. It is all a question of how attached you are, how happy she makes you, and whether you can deal with the risk of heartbreak the knowledge of her past warns you of.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): People can change, but she started off on the wrong foot with you by lying and withholding information and having confidences with another guy about information to be withheld from you.That is a very wrong foot."...she cheated on all three of her ex boyfriends 2 of them multiple times and one of them via an affair and by sleeping with one of her friends boyfriends...""...she spoke to said boyfriend of her friend and discussed telling me about their indiscretion, however he told her not to and she followed...""...red flags are popping up all over the place..."I assume "BPD" means "Bipolar Disorder", if not then clarify."...her past relationships were abusive either emotional or physical..."Now, I'm going to give you some advice, as an anonymous person, which you can take or leave, as another anonymous person.If I understand the situation correctly, then you should not go further in the relationship without extended and extensive couples counseling, probably for years, no exaggeration, years is the right word. Why? Well, she probably has a lot more stuff that is hidden still, and more likely than not has a very troubled psych situation that you will both need counseling to help with. People do change, but not without understanding themselves.Drug use, sex abuse, neglect, fear, all sorts of things need to be thoroughly explored.Clearly she does not have a lot of "faith in relationships" or "trust in relationships" or "respect for relationships" from what you post.The problems can be amplified and triggered by children, particularly if their is more hidden shit from childhood and young adulthood.I come from a large family, two of us married later in life to people with "troubled" pasts. Both people were very nice people. I married someone whose past makes what you posted about your girlfriend look like nothing. It worked out, but only with lots of counseling help, and only after some trauma, but the person that I married was very genuine about wanting to change their life, even before I met and married them, and had been working on it. My brother's situation didn't work out so well, in fact it is heartbreaking for all of us, his children especially, and he has to deal with the Hell his marriage became and try to explain to his children why "mommy" isn't there.My wife had major problems after we had children, she hid so much stuff that when it started to come out it was a shock, to me and a counselor both, and three prior counselors had never even gotten close to the truth. But, I was patient, persistent, and frankly tenacious in the relationship in an effort to save my marriage and keep my family intact. It was not easy and was a lonely road for years.Be prepared, and be honest with yourself about how much you can take.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I think you already know in your heart what she is and will always be. I don't think you will ever 'truly' trust her and to tell you the truth...............I don't bloody blame you. Unlike you, I do judge people from how they treat and what they do to others. This girl doesn't seem to have too many morals when it comes to self respect. Sleeping with friends boyfriends and friends of her boyfriends......oh, I kinda lost count. I think cheating is a 'character trait'. It tells a lot about a person and I think there's plenty of character lacking if you cheat on someone you are meant to care about. I say look out for the day it happens to you...........why do you think you're any different? Look at Shane Warne, I bet every woman says, "Yeah, but I'm more beautiful, I'm more interesting, he won't cheat on me. He loves me!" When it's there character, it's IN them, that's who they are. I say run while you still have your dignity! Good luck.
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