A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Would it be stupid to let my husband have sex with other women because I never want it anymore? I’ve been through the menopause and it’s pretty much killed off my sex drive. For over 2 years I’ve had no sexual desires at all and to be honest the thought of it just doesn’t interest me anymore. I do feel sorry for my husband though because he still gets desires and I constantly have to turn him down. I can’t even go as far as foreplay anymore.I’ve read online about women who let their partners go elsewhere just for sex and how it can actually be good for their relationship. To be honest the thought of my husband having sex with other people doesn’t really bother me, but obviously the reality might be quite different. I’m 5 years older than him and he’s not even 40, we’ve been together since he was 19 and I was 24 and we have 3 nearly grown up kids. He’s always been a brilliant Dad, even when we had our first and he was only 20. I honestly thought he’d do a runner when I told him I was pregnant because of how young and care free he was but he stood up to his responsibilities and has been here ever since. Even though he admitted he really struggled with fatherhood at first he still agreed to have more kids because I really wanted them and he wanted to make me happy, so I’ve always been grateful to him for that. I don’t know if part of it is just me feeling guilty over it. It may sound irrelevant to other people but I think the fact that he’s always been monogamous plays a big part in how I feel as well. I’m the one and only sexual partner he’s ever had, whereas I’ve had 11. It doesn’t feel right for me to just call time on our sex life and leave him having only ever had one woman his whole life at the same time. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being delusional. He never complains about it and says he loves me and understands that I can’t help how I feel but I can tell it gets him down that I can’t be intimate with him anymore. I really don’t know whether to broach the subject with him. I want us to be happy and I don’t want him to end up resenting me over time. Obviously there would have to be ground rules, I.E. always using protection and not sleeping with anyone we knew but he’s not stupid, he’d know what to do and where the boundaries would be. One of my friends uses Tinder and says it’s so easy to hook up with someone random at the drop of a hat, even in your forties.What do you all think? Am I just kidding myself that this could ever work?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2022): Anonymous female, I don't think it occurs to this wife that only a sex worker would be interested in being a convenvience for sex - especially when it would be to a married man who is probably older than her. Why would any single woman bother?
And even a married woman can easily get a single man who makes a fuss of her and spends proper amounts of time with her, and is available when it suits her rather than very limited time for sex only - because it saves him money on a pro. Can you imagine it. Hey X, Y, Z, I would love to come around to your place regularly for a leg over because the woman around the corner charges a lot of money for the same thing. What I find interesting is that this wife does not want sex with her husband, despite him offering her love, security, company and much more, but expects another woman to want to have sex with him when he is a total stranger to her and offers her nothing. It's very much like a secretary deciding she still wants the job title, perks and salary but she wants to pass on all of the filing to one of the other staff members and expects her to do it for free because she finds it boring.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2022): No, see your doctor.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (27 January 2022):
 It would be a much better idea to visit your doctor, and get some help. The second best option would be an amicable divorce. He is young enough to start over.
The fact is Your husband is a stand up guy. And, Stand up guys don't sleep around on their wives. IMHO that is the reason your plan won't work.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 January 2022):
 I think that the fact that you say the thought of your husband having sex with other people does not bother you, i find quite worrying, it kind of say's that you don't love him anymore. I think that the thought of him with another woman, pleasing them, touching them, kissing them, this should repulse you.
I know you have been through the menopause, and its killed your sex drive, but surely the best option would be to seek some help, some sexual guidance by professional bodies, not just for you, but your husband as well to help to get you both back on track.
I also feel if you broach the subject of him sleeping with other women, he could be mortified by this, and feel that you just don't care for him anymore. I think if i was in his shoes, and my wife, someone i love, and made vows to at the altar said that to me i would be horrified.
Also if you let him do this, and he agreed, are you ok with him possibly developing feelings for someone else?. Are you prepared for the fact that it could be the makings of an affair?. He could find someone, get romantically involved, and start seeing her behind your back, spelling ultimately the end of your marriage.
Yes your kidding yourself this would ever work. First port of call is you both seek some professional help and get through this together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): You are on a pathway to unhappiness with this strong desire to tell your husband to go elsewhere for sex.
You have managed to divorce sex from your emotional comfort zone but that doesn't mean every one else does.
So what if he falls head over heels in love with his new flame and she is younger and enthusiastic and ready to start a family.
You would be standing in the way.
The decent thing would be to divorce him but to stay in good terms with him.
You can't expect other people to be willing to remain in an emotionally dead relationship.
He probably makes a fabulous home companion but he is entitled to explore his future emotionally as well as physically and if you give him the go ahead to get out there looking for it you have no right to assume he wants a dedicated sex worker to pass the time with.
Don't jump in the water if you can't swim!
SO Think carefully about how you would handle the new person he would inevitably become.
At least with a divorce you know where you stand legally and you understand what the law expects of you and him!
You're route is hanging onto him while pretending to let him go which is actually controlling to him and treating him like an emotional puppet.
Once you separate and divorce you can at least respect each other.
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