A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:lately my partner of two years has been VERY negative... and i'm starting to get frustrated! i try to be the best partner possible, i don't know what to do, because lately my partner has been tossing out threats (simple verbal threats like "if you think i'll continue to put up with this bullshit you're sadly mistaken, i won't live like this"), whenever angered my partner blows stuff out of proportion and goes off the deep end. and i don't know what to do. i have been very calm and forgiving and i keep looking the other way, but i'm ready to snap! how do i ask my partner to try to be more calm in a disagreement and stop saying so much negative stuff? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): Sounds like a budding alcoholic. Get out.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I thought that as well that this could be the warning signs of possible abuse. People don't go off the deep end when angered as a rule, and constant threats aren't normal either. I'm also curious as to what the "BS" is he's talking about, because if he wasn't negative before and he is now, that's a change.
Some guys do this when they are cheating or wanting out of the relationship so that the girl breaks up with them, keeping them from becoming the bad guy and initiating. Otherwise, he's doing it to manipulate you. Bullying and intimidation is always a tactic.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 If he is verbally aggressive to you and makes angry threats towards you then this is not a good sign at all.
Being verbally aggressive to someone is the first sign that things are going to get violent, and believe me i've been on the other end of it and the violence first started out with aggressive arguments and threats from his part.
However I know its not as easy to just get up and leave someone, so here is what I think you should do.
I think you should sit down and calmly tell him how you feel, and tell him you think the way he speaks to you is inappropriate, as soon as there's any sign of aggression then get up and leave, if he can't be calm enough to listen to what you have to say then all this situation is going to do is spiral downwards.
The choice of course is yours, but remember this, you are not a dog, you are a human being, which means you deserve to be spoken to like a human being, and if he can't do that, then in my opinion he isn't worthy to be with you.
Also the worse thing to do with someone who is verbally aggressive is to snap back at them as once again the situation just escalates.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): What BS your partner is referring to? I am sure that there is sooo much more to this story that you described.OP, in your post you a calm good girl who does everything right, and here is your partner on another side who is unstable angry person who talks back. I don't even think him saying what he said is a threat. How is it a threat? He is just telling you that he is not putting with some BS. He could word it more nicely, but this is how people talk mostly when they are angry. What alarmed me in your post is that you are holding all inside of you and now you are ready to snap. This is not how people are working on their relationship. When problem arises people talk it through, they don't keep it inside of them until they irrupt like volcanoes. Your partner is negative for a reason, he is obviously unhappy. People can't just walk around at all times being happy idiots. Even the most positive people get frustrated, hurt, disappointed and yes, negative. This is what you guys need to talk about. Why is he unhappy? What can you both work on for him to be happy, what pattern of your behavior upsets him. Of course there may be something that is unreasonable or he simply fellout of love, and here is oohing you can do. But your post indicates that you have no clue what is bothering him. Just to say to him that he is negative will serve no good but only making him more angrier that you disregard his real feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): You don't wait until he finally blows a gasket. You leave.
You can't fix him. It's up to him to fix himself. You leave and force him to decide to do something about his angry outbursts; because there is no way you're going to stay under those conditions.
He's under pressure and breaking under it. It could be anything. Don't blame yourself. It is not you; but it may not be very safe for you.
Trying to do something about it yourself; is only going make him take out his frustrations on you. Dealing with a man's rage is not your responsibility. It is his.
Remove yourself from that situation, before you get hurt. He has given you more than fair warning. He means it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 April 2014):
 You can't. Dump him and get a better boyfriend....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 April 2014):
Hi there. Perhaps what needs to happen first, is that you think about what seems to always make him angry.
For instance, is it always about the same things?
He says to you - "if you think i'll continue to put up with this bullshit you're sadly mistaken, i won't live like this" - What is the BS he is referring to, when he says this?
Is it something you say?
Or something you do, that he doesn't like?
It seems like whatever it is, that it is something that always happens on a regular basis.
Or if it isn't a habit of yours he doesn't like, could it be the way in which you communicate with him?
When he talks about something, do you listen to him and what he is REALLY saying?
Do you correct him all the time?
Or, do you interrupt him when he is talking?
Or is it just the way in which you disagree with him?
So what I am really saying, is there is something that is bothering him, and you both need to get to the bottom of what it is.
Perhaps you both need to sit down together, and talk about it heart to heart.
Start out by saying to him - "Do you have a few minutes to spare? Because, I need to talk to you about something. I notice you always (or very often), seem to get upset with me, and I don't know what it is I'm doing that is causing you to feel this way. And it worries me a lot. It makes me really unhappy. Do you want to talk about it? We need to talk about it, if we are to continue seeing each other."
If you say it this way - calmly and respectfully - it will keep him calm and respectful also.
And when you are both relaxed, you will be able to talk about whatever is on your minds.
I really believe, it is the only way you are going to be able to sort this situation out, once and for all.
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