A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We started dating almost a year ago and are going to marry. i Love my future husband and have promised him that i will never leave him, because he has been much too scared that i could leave him like others did. I want to follow my words and stay faithful to him till the end. However lately despite my love to him, i am more and more coming to an idea that it would be impossible for us to build a normal family with the time that he dedicates to me and i have a feeling that in the future it'll go worse. He has a wonderful son, who i perceive as a nice human being, i enjoy being with him, but unfortunately my mind refuses to perceive him as a son of my husband. This concept can't be in my head may be because i haven't had kids myself, and i discovered this now when my husband started to visit his son more and more, even when i was in hospital. Initially i was only both hands for it and i would not start dating him if he hadn't treated his son with responsibility, because then i would doubt that he wouldn't give up our future common kids. At first he was visiting his son once in a month for 3 days (30 days)+ spring holidays (~7 days). However in 2-3 months of our dating he started to visit him ~ 2 times per month and apart from 3 days that he had spent with him before every month, he has been 3 times with him on vacation 8-10 days each (without taking under the pretext that the kid's monther may be against or that the kid might not be ready, although the kid seemed to like me). Apart from all this time that my future husband goes to his son, he is also going on business trips all the time - up to a week per month.. and he also extends his business trips in his son't country (appart from the budgeted 3 days) in order to drop and see his son. He also speaks to his son twice every day for an hour. and also the son's mother. She has a boyfriend and is in general in normal relations with me. However she still controls my husband, his plans and his finance. They talk and sms several times per day, she gives him their trio and she+him family albums as a birthday present, asks my husband to come to them for christmas and wants to come herself (luckily with her boyfriend) for several days around the new year. Generally she is nice person and i don't mind her, and i don't mind her son. I don't know if i feel good when my husband plays and spoils him and hugs him and sleeps with him, but i am sure i can sustain better if his son could live with us rather than living alone with my husband staying out on his son's visits. I said it many times and my husband doesn't exclude it, but his ex loves his son too and wants to stay with him, which is not a question. Lately in the last 3 months it has become unbareble: I miss him to death, but i have no chance. he travels for weeks, then he comes for an evening and then leaves again for a business trip. I tried to talk to him asking if he could go to visit his son after each 30-31 days as he had done it before, and if he could promise me that from the next time i will also join him for their vacation with his son. But he got absolutely pissed off for my trying to take his time away from his son, because the boy (8 year old)"seems to need him".My husband also says he want's kids from me. He loves kids and even has said he dreams of grandkids (while i am only 29 years old). I also want my own kids extremely much. But i am not sure that for an hour or several hours that we spend per week or per month, it is at all possible. I am also no longer sure that even if we have kids he will give them enough time and love. I am not happy, but if i go i know that he won't be happy either. My husband doesn't like when i put the telephone away for half an hour, but he himself doesn't let me call him freely when he is visiting his son. He doesn't like when he doesn't know where i am, but if i tell him he forgets about my plans (nearest and longer) and asks again and again the same thing. When he is having fun with his son on vacation, he doesn't like that i go somewhere to take a class of my hobby without him. What shall i do? Is it worth to suffer further? Is there a slightest chance that in the future he will spend at least a bit more time with me, who he calls his family?
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female
reader, chandra Mcmillan  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 Hun, My partner has 2 children to his ex wife and spends a lot of time around them and her. I know it feels like a love triangle sometimes between you him and his ex but kids do make things different. It should make you happy to know that he is still close to his son and he hasnt let a new relationship and the break between him and his ex get in the wat of this.
Tell him calmly about your thoughts and let him know you would like him to spend more time with you maybe you him and his son go for a weekend or a trip somewhere together. Get your relationship with him and his son back on track.
Just relaxe and try to see it form his point of view,
IHOPE THIS HELPS
GOOD LUCK
A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (8 October 2008):
 Wow! This seems very complex! Can I clarify a few points here? Your fiance's son lives in a differant country than you and your fiance? So he lives very far away? This makes going to see him very difficult and expensive, yes? Is it possible for you and your fiance to move to the same country and town as his son? Then he could visit with his son without taking his time away from you. The child could come stay at your home every other weekend. That way you would all be together rather than him leaving you behind.
Your fiance has taken the child on 3 8-10 day vacations in the past year? That sounds to me to be an awful lot of vacation time! And you say that this was not with the mothers concent? How is that possible? He just showed up and said, "gimmee my kid. see ya in 10 days." ?!?!? Couldnt you join them on these vacations?
It is great that he and the mother are on such good terms and very nice that she wants to come visit you. That way you could all be together and visit with the son, again, without leaving you out of it. I think you need to be included more in his life with his son. You are feeling very left out and left behind. Have you talked to your fiancee about wanting to be included? You also seem to be feeling that you are an afterthought, not a priority with him. As long as he has nothing better to do he will be with you. Is that right?
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