A
female
age
,
*harm5
writes:I was with my children husband for 26 y/rs I left him 1 1/2 yr ago. The relationship was abusive and he the past few yrs was diagnosed bipolar. I know I did the right thing to leave and so do my children. Last yr I quit my nursing career due to the fact mentally I had it with life. I had my youngest cutting herself, my son facing jail and my oldest pregnant and my bipolar exhusband harrassing me. I told my boss that I needed time off and she denied me and I could of filed grievance but I was too drained so I quit.. I been in financial problems ever since. See I dont have a nursing license in the state Ive lived in and I have to take this test to get it..I have lost my will power, my motivation and I feel dead inside. Im going to counceling but it doesnt help much. I work 2 jobs but is not enough to pay the mortgage.. I want to flee and leave all even though I know my problems will be with me and my fear.. I dont know I just need feed back Im tired of thinking and going around and around. How can I get over my fear? How can I feel alive again?I dont believe in myself and its hard. My friends think I am the best and they help and love me and I sure do appreciate it but Im still numb.I in the process of this hurt my best friend and now she wont speak to me. I apologized but she said she needs time.I think we were more than best friends,we had a special relationship and I dont know how to get her back in my life..Im a mess.. I appreciste any feedback..
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reader, charm5 +, writes (12 October 2008):
charm5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI been an emotional mess for a long time and its hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel..Im full of fear and sadness but I quite often pretend all is well. I will continue with counselling as long as it takes.. I forgave my ex-husband long ago and I feel at times good. Even in the marriage I was the one working and I can do it but somehow the past few months have been the hardest, I feel disable,depressed and unable to keep on going but regardless of these feelings I keep on going because Im on survival mode and I know Ill do better soon and the emotions will match with me and what Im feeling. It just takes time.. An abuse life was not easy...Thank you for your feed back I needed a few kind words and encouragement..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I am sure that you feel very overwhelmed at this point in your life. Just reading your post I felt overwhelmed. It seems to me that you have taken responsibility for everything going wrong in your life as well as everyone else's. From your bi-polar husband, to the different problems your children are facing, you seem to think that you are responsible for it all.
I know it may be very hard to consider this perspective but you are not responsible for your husband or your children. It is not your job or responsibility to fix everything and everyone who is broken around you. You are a mother and instinctively feel the need to protect your children, however, from how you describe them I would assume they are adults--which means they will need to find their own way to recovery just like you do.
After a certain point of parenthood, you cannot protect your children from all the things you would like. It is up to them to make smart choices for themselves and it is up to you to encourage them, support them and nurture them when they need it.
I can only imagine the pain that you feel and the loneliness that probably consumes your every thought. But know that those feelings will not dig you out of the hole that you are in. Those feelings will multiply to an unmanageable amount if you are not careful.
You must use this time to rebuild your life. Take each day as it comes. Take small steps to improve your life and use counseling as an outlet to express your fear and sadness--do not bottle those emotions. Think of counseling as a cleansing process for your mind and soul.
You are in the eye of what you will probably look back at one day as your life's storm. Tell yourself everyday that you are strong and that you will survive this without an question. That one day you and your children will look back on these times and have not fear but pride in your overcoming of it all.
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