A
female
age
36-40,
chigirl
writes:I have tried to keep my relationship problems away from this site as I do not want my advice to be assosiated to my own questions. However I have now learned an important lesson that I want to share with the rest of you, in the hopes that you will never fall into the same situation as me. This article is about how to identify a situation where you are being taken financially advantage of. I have been taken financially advantage of now by both family, and a recent ex-boyfriend. If you don't want to read for too long you can skip the story at point 9.1: NEVER loan anyone your money. Just don't do it. You won't get it back, and if you get it back you are lucky. People in general have little respect for others money, or that is my experience. And, if you hand it out once, "just to be nice", they will come asking for it again. And how do you say no?2: It's not always as easy as in point 1. When someone you trust your life to asks you for money, well, why wouldn't you give it up? You trust them 100%. You know you will get it back. Right?The sad truth is that the ones you are closest to are the ones who typically never return the money you lend out. It's happened not only to me, but to many others. I feel so stupid for trusting people with my money. But as it is in relationship, it's all about trust right? You trust a man to not cheat, so why not trust them with money too?3: If you do trust someone with money, and they don't return it, it means more than a broken heart. It means a financial problem for you. YOU get into problems, be that with your landlord, the bank, food money, gas money, whatever you need money for. Imagine if someone broke your heart, or someone stole money from you. Then imagine someone doing both those things. Not only are you emotionally hurt, you are also financially hurt. And it could cost you your apartment, your job, your life as you know it. There are many who end up in huge depts because they trusted their "true love" with money. 4: People aren't borrowing your money with the intent to scam you and never give it back. We think we can guard ourselves from being ripped off, because everyone can identify someone who just wants your money, right? My personal belief is that these people aren't really trying to screw you over. They are just bad with money, simple as that. There's a reason they need to borrow some in the first place. 5: It starts with one time. And then you think it is fine, because you too run short of cash on occasions. But once they realise they can go to you for money, it won't take long before you are considered the local mini-bank. I've been treated like one now for too long. It's come to the point where Im not even asked to lend out money, some people in my family simply tells me "you'll pay for this". At this point I do say no, and how rude isn't that? But if you say yes once, they assume you will say yes again. And again, and again. And they'll have your cornered too, when you least expect it. I was invited out for dinner, and the person in question left me with the check. He himself didn't have money to pay for it at the moment. So what are you to do? Dinner's already been eaten and gone.Lets put it this way, your room-mate comes and asks you for money for the rent this month, as he's short. Do you pay it, or do you move out because he can't pay his part of the rent? Moving out seems a bit harsh, so you pay it up. And thats when its done. Your room-mate just scammed you of one months rent. You of course, and possibly even your room-mate, think this is an honest case, and no biggie, he'll pay back next month. So what happens when he doesn't? Then you move out? Or you wait another month or two when he pays, perhaps half the rent he's supposed to pay, or none at all next month too? How long exactly can you put up with it? Taking a look back, how much money has this room-mate now scammed out of you? Quite a bit. It isn't stealing from your bank through armed robbery, but it might as well be. It's a lot of money. Now I hope I have your eyes open to who exactly could take money from you. It's not the bank robber, or the suspicious looking guy at the corner. It's the person you trust. The next part of my article I will devote to explaining exactly what I realized looking back on my past relationship. Of course, this does not portray the relationship as a whole, but the financial aspect of it. 6: His mother pointed this out when I came to her for help on how to get my money back. She couldn't help me with my lost money, but she did actually help me a lot with identifying exactly what I should have noticed back then, but didn't. Her first question to me actually was "how could you trust that boy with your money?" Love makes blind couldn't fit in better. The things she pointed out was that he kept things hidden. He didn't explain what was happening, what he was doing. He didn't keep others around him informed about what was to happen. That was a good point, and so I took a look back at exactly what this meant. There were little hints here and there. He would tell me things, but his story didn't match up to reality. He left out parts of information here and there. If confronted with it afterwards, he would deny it, or tell me it as a misunderstanding.7: The misunderstandings. Be aware of those. If YOU KNOW what happened, and you KNOW he KNEW what was going on, there can be NO misunderstanding. If he still claims there must have been one your alarm bells should be going off. Like if he tells you he has a car, but the car appears to not be his, but someone elses, then you know something isn't quite right.8: He wasn't good with money. He told me he was good with money. Yes, he was so careful with money, always in control. But yet I noticed when we went shopping, and I later asked him "how much was that shirt?", he'd say "It was 50 dollars". I several times took a look at the price tags of things he bought. They were almost without exeption 10 dollars more. The tag said 59. He'd tell me it was about 50. See where Im going? Alarm bells. My alarm bells went off, but instead I though it'd be enough to tell him that he REALLY needed to take a better look at the price, and rather say 60 dollars if it was 58, instead of 50. And then again, you think to yourself: what's it to me how he spends his money? And then you forget about it when the time comes around that he needs to borrow some.9: The actual borrowing. Now, I know from experience with family mooching off of me that I should not lend anyone any money. I didn't intend to lend my boyfriend any either. Before we moved in together money hadn't been an issue. He found us an appartment that was gorgeous. A bit above what we had agreed on. But he said it wouldn't be a problem for him to pay, besides, he had already agreed to take that apartment, and we couldn't wait any longer with finding a place either. The cheaper apartment we were offered he turned down because it wasn't "as nice looking". We had agreed beforehand to split everything 50/50. He ensured me he would get money for it all. I trusted him blindly. Then the surprise came: I had to pay the first two months + the deposit money. He dropped this on me two weeks before moving in, contract was already signed in HIS name, and I had already given up my own rental apartment to move in with him. In other words: if I didn't pay up I'd have nowhere to go. In retrospect I wish I didn't go. I should have said no. But in a situation like that, it's not easy to just say no! So reluctantly I gave up the money. My own family raised suspicions at this point, and I backed my boyfriend up vigourusly. I has problems trusting, and was so proud of myself that I had been able to let go and completely trust him. It felt good to have someone you KNEW you could trust. After moving in, the money he thought he would get didn't show up after all. Guess what, there was some information he had left out. He claimed there must have been a misunderstanding, he never said this or that. And it wasn't his fault either the money wasn't there, he had honestly thought it would be. So then what to do? He asked me for financial help, and how could I say no? The only other people he could ask were his parents, and they had already said no. They had just bought a house and couldn't afford it. At first it was just to get through the first week. Then the money would come. Then just to get through the second week, the money would come.I can't remember even when they money did come, but when it did, I remember it was a lot less than what he had told me. In order for him to get the money to go around we had to change the arrangment of who paid what of the apartment. The rent was of 750 dollars a month or so. He paid 200 dollars of this rent. That leaves me with 550. And during the first weeks he had ended up borrowing so much money from me. More than he realised. When I added up what he owed me, which he hadn't kept track of, he gave me a surprised look and said "oh, I didn't realise it was that much. But no worries, I'll pay you back, I'll pay for everything for you from now and until I've paid you back".Great I though, this is good. My trust was still there. I was starting to worry, but the money had at least arrived. Things were going to be ok. The next I know he can't afford to pay for groceries. Thats when I freaked. This was about two months in. He couldn't afford to pay for food. And what was I to do, be a bad girlfriend and let him starve?So the borrowing began once more. I'd get it back, he said, he had just found a new job that would give him an income. Unfortunately the job paid less than he thought. 3 months in he owed me a lot of money. Money he couldn't pay back. We stopped living together after 3 months, after a plan we had. We weren't supposed to live together for longer, I had to get back to school etc. We had other plans. Im thinking this is what saved me from ending up lending out even more to him. Because how do you say no? Let the man starve? Get kicked out and face a difficult process of trying to find a new place to live? The end of the story is he promised he'd pay me back over summer. He managed to actually pay me back a lot, but not enough. Again he was "surprised" by this. Then he promised to pay me back in fall, because after summer he'd go back to his old job. He lost that job. Not long after we broke up. And now he refuses to pay me back anything. DO NOT WALK INTO THE SAME TRAP! NEVER LEND OUT MONEY, NOT EVEN TO YOUR BOYFRIEND WHEN HE IS STARVING AND CANT AFFORD HIS RENT. NOT EVEN WHEN HE PROMISES TO MARRY YOU, OR PAY YOU BACK SO SO SOON, OR HAS A "GUARANTEED" SOLUTION, OR GOT A NEW JOB. NEVER. Just don't mix relationships and money. If he needs money he needs to go to the bank and get a loan, or move in back to his parents if he can't afford to pay the rent. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO HELP HIM OUT FINANCIALLY. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER, AND HE IS NOT A CHILD.
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broke up, cheap, money, moved in, my ex Reply to this Article
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (3 June 2013):
wish I had read this 18 months ago.... thank you for the advice. I have had the same problem with a disastrous ''relationship'', I hate myself for it
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 this Article is a Gem. Once again I have found the need to recommend this article to an OP.
Due to a near-miss a few years ago and an actual direct hit when i was cheated financially, and as a result my antenae is well and truly Up.
From what has been related to me people need to learn smell a request for money even before it is (shuffling feet/ slightly embarassed tone/plaintive remark, ''we ONLY need $12,ooo'') a direct request.
Or the offer that is 'too good to refuse', followed by, ''i have a business proposition to put to you and it'll only cost you $15ooo and you'll get all your money back plus interest''.
No, they have a request to borrow money. Which may or may not be paid back, partially, fully, or not at all.
And then the eroding of trust between borrower and lender starts to happen.
From then on the borrower thinks they have a right to ask. After all you lent to them once?
Great Article
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 February 2011):
My parents taught me well when it comes to money: when someone asks for it either give it to them or don't. I don't do borrowing, or loans. This applies to even the small things, like when someone asks 0.50$. I never expect something back when I give something. This rule has spared me a lot of misery. Chigirl, I think your article is very good and hopefully many people will learn from it. The only thing that saddens me is that this great article is a result of really bad experiences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is a very good, informative and thought out article and I thank Chigirl for putting it up. I think it is especially important that WOMEN read it, as they are becoming more likely to be used for money than they ever were in the past, due to the fact that they earn as much as their male counterparts nowadays.
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female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (22 November 2010):
Just to throw the cat amongst the pigeons...
I’m not advocating to lend money to anyone if you aren’t very close to them and if you don’t trust them- and it might be unwise to lend such a significant amount that you’d be in a pickle if it wasn’t returned…
And these DO all sound like some horrible cases... but 95%??
My boyfriend just recently lent me a three figure sum about three weeks ago.
I said I'd pay him back within a week. I paid him back within a week.
It all seems very simple.
I know there are some circumstances where it can work where you're close enough to know that they can be trusted- especially if you agree how and when it can be paid back, and stick to that.
I thanked my boyfriend so many times for just giving me that extra bit of security whilst funds transferred, and it felt great that he trusted me without any worry at all. -He didn't even need to ask
Some business CAN be a pleasure after all!
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 November 2010):
chigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Not even to your parents!
I have lent out about 14000 dollars to my mother. I am not so certain I will get it returned. She last borrowed about 1600 dollars that was supposed to be returned over 2 years ago. I was promised I'd get 800 dollars back within a week. Never happened. Now it's just been added on top of what she already owes me.
In addition to that she started using me as her personal bank, asking for money whenever it suited her. I had to put a stop to it. I wont even lend her money for a cab fare now. Unfortunately her boyfriend has an equally bad habit, and recently when me and my mom's boyfriend went abroad he stuck me with the bills, claimed he'd pay back next week. As we were abroad I didn't have the heart to let him go without food at restaurants etc, but he honestly just said "you'll pay for dinner". Thanks.
I haven't seen the money he promised me back for a rental car yet either, or for a spa he wanted to go to. It's really nice to get pushed up in a corner, but I guess I only have myself to blame for not putting my foot down sooner.
Do not lend out money to your parents, or ANYONE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Hi
Its really a good article. I have lent 6000$ for my ex-bf who broke up with me a week before and never even said anything about when he would return back the money. When he said he needed money for buying a house (as down payment) i couldnt say no, since he is afterall my bf who promised to marry me. How stupid of me, so i gave him all my life savings and now i am in a different country without money and getting scared out of hell about paying my next month rent.
SO PLEASE NEVER EVER LEND MONEY FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN YOUR PARENTS. I HAVE LEARNT THE LESSON VERY VERY HARD WAY.
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female
reader, ILoveCupid +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Thanks chigirl. "Just say you have a personal rule of not lending out money to anyone, and ask that they don't take it personally." is particularly helpful. I think I can do that and not feel bad :)
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 November 2010):
chigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionILoveCupid. I know it is hard to say no the first time a person asks for money. But you have to stick to saying no. The truth is, they should NOT be asking money from you in the first place. If they can't get by with what they have, then they need to fix their own self-made problems. The thing is, money you lend out have a 95% chance of not getting payed back. If you get money back, lucky you. But for most part money doesn't come back, so if you can't afford to be without that money you should not lend it out. And when you lend it out, consider it a gift. You just gave away that money. And it's not coming back. So unless you can afford to give that amount of money as a gift, do not lend out out either. If your friend ask for money for a cup of coffee, and you can afford it and wont ever need that money back, you can say okay to lending it out. If they ask you money you will later on need yourself, do not lend it out, no matter what. If it is a serious case where you truly feel you should lend them money for whatever reason, sign a contract. Ask your bank on tips on what should be included. And have a payment plan signed as well, with dates on how much and when money should be paid back. Also, never lend out money to people who plan to go abroad, or people who might leave the country. Never lend out money to people of a different nationality than you, as they can easily disappear and leave the country, and once they cross the border you don't have control over them. Never lend out money to someone who doesn't have the fundings to pay it back. You have to think and act like a bank. If the person doesn't have a job, don't lend it out. You should also ask to see their credit history. Money should primarily not be mixed with friendship or family. Money is business. Take it to the bank. Do not lend out money to anyone, as a rule. If they start to sulk and ask why and if you don't trust them or whatever, don't listen to it. It's all manipulation to get your money. Just say you have a personal rule of not lending out money to anyone, and ask that they don't take it personally.As you can see from our experience, people borrow money from their parents, parents also borrow money from their CHILDREN, and do not pay it back. It's happened to me, my own family has borrowed money from me that I was promised back 3 years ago. I still haven't seen nothing of it. And now I am treated like a purse, as said by someone else on here. Do not fall in the same trap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): your article rang true. I am glad i discovered at school how poor people are at repaying money lent to them. I was generous but naive back them. And chasing up money owed is horrible because the person who owes the money is horrible to the lender when the lender has to ask that the money be repaid. Years later i had two friends who tried to borrow a substantial amount from me. The amount they wanted was far too much. But i was especially lucky as i knew the girl had already 'borrowed' an even bigger amount from her own mother and never repaid it. Her poor mother went to her grave still owed that money. Knowing that i knew repayment to me would never happen. Always suggest they ask the Bank. The Bank has more resources than me. If they are too risky in the opinion of the Bank then they are way too risky for me. I also had a family member continually asking small amounts for ''loans'' on a regular basis. Nothing was ever repaid. In the end i told the family member that they should get a part time job, because i am a person not a purse. By lending to them you are only delaying the inevitable pain from not handling money well
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female
reader, ILoveCupid +, writes (7 November 2010):
I've not been in such a situation before so I'm thankful that you shared your lessons as it's a learning opportunity for me.
The 3 previous readers all seem to agree 100%, possibily due to having had similar experience. I do have some questions though, so I hope the original poster or the readers or anyone else could shed some light.
I think if a person has proven to be chronically borrowing money and not paying back, I'll be able to firmly say no.
However, how to refuse a person the FIRST time round, when you don't yet know he/she has this bad habit?
I mean, he/she is your family, friend, colleague, someone you know and trust. Of course you would tend to believe that he/she genuinely needs money to tie through a difficult period and then will pay you back. So how do you bring yourself to say no the first time he/she asks for money? You don't want to appear coldhearted and strain the relationship right?
Also, should this first time refusal depend on some quantitative threshold that each individual lender has? If it's a large sum of money and would represent a big loss if you don't get it back, understandably you would not want to take the risk, not even when it's the first time. But if it's just a meal or some small amount, you'd probably not think twice about lending the money right? At worst you can afford to write it off. But obviously you'd be irritated by the bad habit and lose trust so you won't be taken advantage of a second time.
What do you all think?
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female
reader, Kessi +, writes (1 November 2010):
I agree with you 100%. Money and relationships should be kept separate strictly. If you somehow still end up giving money then do a full legal contract so you can claim it in court when he refuses to pay.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Very, very true..
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