A
male
age
41-50,
*hatamessinwinter
writes:I would like some advice on how to get over my anxious feelings when I'm on my own. In the morning and daytime I'm usually busy with things to do, but when my girlfriend gets out of work I really want to see her. The problem is that she's in a job she doesn't like, and gets very stressed over issues with the managers. At the end of the day, when I want to email and say 'shall we meet here?', she's told me that she doesn't want to think about making plans or anything. Often she will then come home in a couple of hours, but I won't know when this will be. Sometimes the people at the office go for drinks after work, and she'll go with them. I feel I should be relaxed about giving her her own space, but then other times I feel like I'm missing out. Basically I want her to call and say when she'll be back (we live in a rented place where she needs me to be in as I usually have the keys), but it is incredibly easy to make her annoyed that someone is imposing on her. I don't know if the problem is my attitude or that the relationship is not right for me. Any help? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): hi again,
sorry I wasn't logged in when I answered your question last time, but I am the same anonymous female :)and I think you are massively underestimating problems in your relationship. did you ever ask what she wants from you? did you ever talk to her seriously? I am sharing a place with a guy at the moment, whom I used to call bf. When we started being together I cared for him dearly and still do in a way, however soon after I moved in I discovered that he much preferred porn to me and that, even though we were close he stopped wanting to kiss me. Which was hurtful during sex. He behaved like he has a right to refuse to kiss me and to not talk about the issue at all as if it is a problem. We traveled together and I felt incredibly isolated, I also felt that he didn't really get on with my friends, so after a few invites I decided to not have them around. I really loved him and moved to be with him out of love. I turns out now that he had a mother who neglected him because she loved a man: and now he didn't respect me for leaving my life behind for him. His huge stash of porn, which he used as a replacement for sex with me and his lack of ability to be truly close to me during sex gave the most hurtful moments. I was so isolated that I started to cheat on him, which resulted just in sadness: he however reacted to this in incorporating this into his sick porn fantasies: what healthy guy is turned on by his gf being with another guy?
At some point I just gave up trying to have sex with him and gave up trying to be close to him physically.
I will never be able to trust him again, because I want to be open and emotional during sex and he just remains distant and not kissing.
We continue to live together. I met a woman had sex with her and noticed that a woman, and only a woman is able to connect during sex. And that only a woman came to me with two glasses of water, one for herself one for me. Without asking, without fuss. He rarely makes coffee for me in the morning, it is always me. We never have breakfast together, because he cannot get up.
He was unable to get a job since two years: I moved to London with him because it was supposed to be easier to find a job there for him, he never did.
I have detailed the financial problems with him in this quoestion http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex-and-flatmate-is-currently-unemployed-i.html
(btw. this was the moderators choice of wording for the title)
If you want, you can give an answer to this question.
Basically I don't trust him anymore. I don't believe him anymore. I still have some bits of respect, but for how long?
I hate my job, and come home only to see his sad persona with no plans, no future. If I come home I would like to be able to discuss future and plans for the future. But he just wants to use me as a toy to distract from his anxiety.
I am terribly sad. And go drinking with stupid workmates, because he makes me anxious: he is in arrears with the rent and I just don't want to be confronted back home with the whole situation and a guy who would better not know that he has problems but instead do some pointless newspaper discussion. I believe partners should care for each other: if he wants to learn sky diving I can save a bit and help to do that, but he has to do it, and not pretend that he wants to do it for 2 years, stopping my development. And I expect the same: I was dreaming to be able to play the guitar (I cannot, because I have to pay for his food, and he cannot stand the noise whilst doing his internet surfing)I wanted to go back to university and if I had a proper partner I would expect to be able to save and then work part time during studies. Not with him: he was promising to get a job for 2 years now.
I feel unable to adhere to rules of common courtesy in this situation. Sorry for not letting you know that I wanted for once to have some fun.
Maybe she would listen to when you said: I am sad. Maybe she is not the person the laugh at people who are sad. Maybe she is sad herself. But maybe she has lost all the hope that she can cheer you up for good and make things better for you. Maybe she feels like you are similar to an emotional beggar: taking support but never changing anything in your life.
Maybe she has lost the ability to trust you, and became overly protective of her good time, because for a long time she had to feel bad every time she knew you are sad at home.
Maybe you need to get on with your life...but I don't believe that she will trust you easily.
A
male
reader, whatamessinwinter +, writes (13 October 2008):
whatamessinwinter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfemale-anonymous:
Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
Yes, I have been along on a few occasions - it was okay, but I felt that everyone pretty much knew each other already, and I didn't click with anyone much. ....I'm not sure I'm putting it well - the truth is that though I'm sounding nervous and doubtful here, I'm very talkative and confident with people I get on with.
It's more that my partner seems a bit uncomfortable when I talk with people:- for example, she once brought a friend around, and though I wasn't really up for being around people that day, she kind of left me to entertain/be entertained by this friend, while she herself dropped out of the conversation. The friend I found a bit banal, but we talked well enough - though I kept noticing that my partner would be watching my face for my reaction to her friend.
In the reverse situation, before my friend moved away from London, we would meet for a drink, and often my partner would call and I'd ask if she wanted to meet us. She usually did, but on several occasions she turned up, and then didn't take part in what we were talking about (and however blind to the situation I might have been, this friend is the most socially-sensitive person I've ever known, always including people in the conversation, and never disrespecting them). A couple of times she just went off in a huff for no apparent reason, baffling my friend as much as me.
"What about your own work collegues, do you have any?"
No. I was working freelance as an English teacher and am now looking for full-time work. I draw and paint and am often told I have talent, but absolutely lack the contacts and confidence to achieve something with it.
"I think if you said to her "I am feeling sad, can you come back soon" or "I am missing you" then she would feel needed and come back."
I'm positive that she would hate that. It's contradictory, because she'll often send me several 'cutesy' emails from work, but then seem p*ssed off when we meet.
"It all depends: do you need her to be around, or do you just need anyone to be around and she is just the easiest option."
... I have in the past met up with someone for just such a (bad) reason. I was feeling really out of it and remote, and thought that I probably needed to just meet and talk with someone (not about myself or my feelings, but just to be taken out of myself by their own stories and talk), it doesn't work for me - as I remain with the feeling of looking on, yet worse because I'm also hiding my thoughts from them. So, yes, I have done that and hated myself for it too.
"Maybe she doesn't want to let you know her plans because you make her anxious herself."
This is very intuitive of you. She is incredibly easy to make anxious - and not just with me. It seems that when I am feeling good, this makes her anxious. It's in those moods that she'll ask if I'm meeting up with a woman. Sometimes she'll just ask out of the blue, "Are you seeing someone?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): It sounds like despite what you are saying, you are not really comfortable with giving her her own space. Did you ever go along with her? What about your own work collegues, do you have any? It is perfectly o.k. for a guy to admit that he is sad! I think if you said to her "I am feeling sad, can you come back soon" or "I am missing you" then she would feel needed and come back. But if you are not realy honest about your feelings and don't admit to her that you need her, you will come across as needy and possesive. It all depends: do you need her to be around, or do you just need anyone to be around and she is just the easiest option. If she feels that she is just an emotional filler for your anxiety, she will obviously prefer to stay with her workmates! Maybe she doesn't want to let you know her plans because you make her anxious herself.
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A
male
reader, whatamessinwinter +, writes (11 October 2008):
whatamessinwinter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks A Capella:
Very helpful reply. As you note:
"It's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your girlfriend. It's also not unreasonable for her to want time alone. But this sounds like you're alone more than she is."
That's the thing. My closest friend moved away and I'm basically missing company. I don't know if this is a typically male thought, but I don't want to admit this to someone else. I want to be independent, supportive of my girlfriend, not demanding of her time etc, able to work alone when I choose to. But this sense of total isolation comes over me (I tried to ask about it in my other post), and it's not something I've been able to talk about with her. I feel it's not something I should feel.
Pff..it all sounds like a terrible self-indulgence. :(
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A
female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (10 October 2008):
 Well, firstly, I don't think it's really cool for her to want you to cool your jets at home while she's out with her friends, just so that she doesn't get locked out. If she wants you to stay home she should come home.
It's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your girlfriend. It's also not unreasonable for her to want time alone. But this sounds like you're alone more than she is.
Tell her that you're happy to let her do what she wants, but it would be nice to know when she's going to be home so you can plan. Sitting around the house waiting isn't fun for anyone.
Get her a key and get out of the house more. Don't wait on her. When you're out and about, maybe she'll see what she's missing. If not, at least you're not sitting around doing nothing.
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (10 October 2008):
 I think that her telling you when she'll be back would be more like common courtesy than anything else, but there you are. Why doesn't she want to tell you? She says she feels suffocated? Tell her that it's nothing to do with stopping her having her own time, but that you two are a couple, and it would be nice to have some kind of idea when she's going to get back.
Are you possessive? Does she have commitment issues? You need to sit down and talk this one out, because it sounds as though there's something more serious going on underneath. Why is she so reluctant to share her plans with you? Imagine she were just a friend, or a roommate: there would be no problem with her saying "Tonight I'm seeing Jane for dinner, I'll be back around eleven" - it would just be normal. You need to sit down and talk together.
In the meantime, why don't you get an extra set of keys cut? That way the obligation would be gone and you wouldn't have anything to blame it on.
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