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female
age
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*oommate or Tenant
writes:I have been living with my boyfriend for many years. He owns the house free and clear, and has since before I moved in. Since moving in, I have paid various bills, all food/non-durable items, half the property taxes and given him money monthly to pay other utilities. Gradually I have paid more and more bills. I recently calculated the household bills and I am directly or indirectly paying all the household utilities, food and non-durable items. Any repairs or renovations he pays for. He has told me that he thinks I should pay half the taxes, half the bills and pay rent, even though he is not paying rent/mortgage and he would be profiting off of me. I believe that either I am a tenant, where I get my own room and do not pay his property taxes or his food/non-durable items or we live together and split the bills. Please advise.
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female
reader, joani +, writes (30 January 2010):
Even if you pay 1/2 the bills or all the bills it is still his house and he can get mad and tell you to move out any time. My boyfriend and i are living under the same situation and he gets mad he threatens to call the law to have me removed...i clean, cook, laundry. BUT i will not pay nothing toward a place i have no security.He also lets his grandkids go thru my stuff since its house i cant say anything. SHould i pay would you advise me to get rental papers.
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (1 October 2008):
 Apology accepted. :)
I hope you have a great day and good luck to Room or Tenant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): "As for the free ride comment, no I am not getting one, nor have I ever asked for one – I did not mean to give off the impression that I expect one."
After the additional discussion that you and I had on this, I can see that you do not expect a free ride and I obviously read more into your first answer than you were trying to say and I apologize for that.
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (1 October 2008):
I agree that things are different according to being married or just living together. In the paragraph of examples that I gave, half of my examples were married people and the other half were single people - all with different living situations & financial arrangements. I suppose I shouldn't have given any married examples; however, I do agree with what you said. ... It also appears as though we agree with each other on Room or Tenants situation - she does not deserve to be taken advantage of.
As for the free ride comment, no I am not getting one, nor have I ever asked for one – I did not mean to give off the impression that I expect one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): To Hopeful Romantic: Things are different when single and living together and when married. People who marry usually plan on being together until death and most often share everything, whether it is one or both working. The situation when married is different than when living together. In my mind, people who live together are doing so to see if they are compatible and know that they might break up if things don’t work out. This is not always the case, as some people live together for life and never want to marry. I would classify this arrangement as basically being the same as married. In this discussion, I was only referring to people who live together as sort of a trial marriage. At least that is what my wife and I did. Having both been divorced once, we wanted to make sure that we were compatible when being together 24/7 before we committed ourselves to another marriage. When people do this then I assume that they keep assets separate, like checking and savings accounts and house and auto titles. When married these things are normally held jointly.
You give a lot of examples, like your mother and father, your sister and your brother. All of these people were married, so I believe the situation is much different in these cases. Roommate or Tenant’s question was about her and her boyfriend, so I was thinking in terms of single people who might split if things don’t work out when I answered this question. In this case, I believe that it is reasonable for the 2 partners to share the expenses pretty much equally, without either the woman getting a free ride or the man making any kind of profit on the arrangement. That is what my wife and I did. I lowered my expenses with her contributions to the expenses and she got the advantage of living in a house that was nicer than where she had been living at a significantly lower cost than she had been paying for rent and utilities. We both came out ahead. Of course, the main reason that we decided to live together is that we wanted to be together all the time. By the time that we decided to do that, she was spending very little time at her place anyway, so why have the expense. With the amount of money that she was contributing, she would still have come out ahead monetarily as compared to her previous expenses. We would have both had more money, but having each other was more important than the money situation. She would have felt like a mooch if she had not contributed to the expenses and was actually concerned at first that she was not contributing enough. I told her that she was contributing more than enough by helping with the housework and being there with me and with sharing the expenses equally, except that I paid for most of the food.
To Roommate or Tenant: She said, “The writer who wrote about a "free ride" obviously does not get it.” Roommate or Tenant, if you are referring to me, then perhaps you should learn to read a bit more carefully, so that you get it. When I said that, I was referring to Hopeful Romantic’s answer and not your situation. If you would read carefully, I also said about your situation, “This arrangement is leaning too much in his favor. You are paying more than your share of the household expenses.”
You also have said, “FYI, I am already paying all the utilities, food, non-durable items and half the property taxes.” Even without paying any rent, you are already paying too much to this relationship. In my mind, what would be fair would be for you to pay half of the utilities, food and property taxes and no rent, whether he has mortgage payments or not. These are the recurring expenses and you should share them with him. With what you are paying, you are basically giving him most of the cost of living expenses for free. Tell him that you think that it is fair for you to pay ½ of the food, ½ of the utilities, ½ of basic needs (cleaning supplies, etc) and ½ of the property taxes and he can stuff the rent. Either that or he pays all the property taxes and you pay a small rent. He is taking advantage of you monetarily and you shouldn’t allow him to continue to get away with this. Please reread what I had said to you and what I was saying to Hopeful Romantic in response to her first answer. Perhaps you will then understand that I was already saying that you were paying too much in this relationship and was not referring to you at all in the free ride comment.
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female
reader, karieE +, writes (1 October 2008):
 Re: Hopeful & Troubled
You are both right in your own way.
I like & agree with what SugarCookie said, "You should pay half of everything. Only half. Also you should only have to pay rent if you are renting a room since he doesn't have rent. I think you are getting used!!"
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (1 October 2008):
Troubledtoomuch, you know, I did sound a bit bitter in my first entry. I suppose I was, but mostly toward the fact that he is asking her to pay rent when his house is paid off. The only way that would be acceptable in my opinion is if they were not a couple and she was in fact renting a room.
I think everyone should realize that everyone and every couple is entitled to their own opinion and they will all be different in most cases.
I know so many people with so many different beliefs as I am sure you all do. There is the belief that you and your wife have, which is a great agreement. - My dad never asked my mom to pay for anything, but she still helped out any way and paid for a lot of our school supplies and clothes, etc. Dad would always say that his money was mama's money and mama's money was mama's money and believe me we were not at all rich growing up, that was just dad's beliefs. - My very best friend supported her boyfriend through college for five years so that he could get his degree, & all she did was work. - Another couple I know got engaged and he asked her to quit working & go to school full time while he worked. - Another girl I know lives w/ her boyfriend in his house that is not paid off... she does not help with any bills because they are not married and if he were to kick her out, he could keep everything and she would have nothing, so that is their agreement. - My oldest sister has 3 children w/ her husband who works full time, she has a part time job at the gym as a fitness trainer & coaches for leukemia charity marathons & takes her kids to all of their extracurricular activities, but he is the main money supplier - one of my brothers is going through a divorce when he was the one bringing home the money, never had or made her work, he also came home & cooked supper, and she now wants a divorce. - and then there are those who split everything 50/50. - Amongst many other situations out there.
I hope I didn't get too wordy, I am just trying to stress the fact that there are so many different relationships out there with different beliefs and ways of living - none of those ways are completely right or wrong, but if that's what you believe in - then continue believing in it and believe in yourself. (But don't let your boyfriend or your girlfriend make a "profit" off of you living with them, that's just not right.)
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female
reader, Roommate or Tenant +, writes (1 October 2008):
Roommate or Tenant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! FYI, I am already paying all the utilities, food, non-durable items and half the property taxes. He has not bought even a stamp in 16 years. What I object to is him wanting me to pay him rent since he himself is not paying rent or a mortgage. According to him, "everyone pays rent".
The writer who wrote about a "free ride" obviously does not get it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Hopeful Romantic, you just sounded very angry in your first post and sounded like you were angry at any man who expected the woman to contribute at all. I guess that was not the case, as I read your second post. As I said in my first post, that was not fair of your boyfriend to change the rules after you moved in. Actually, I don’t think that it matters who makes the suggestion of living together first. It is a joint decision in the end, so it should not matter who brought it up first. If no rent is being paid, then it would be reasonable to pay half of the taxes (but not both rent and taxes), so here are my 2 suggestions:
1) Rent equal to half of what the woman would pay for an apartment plus ½ of all utilities, food and daily maintenance – no improvement or major repair contribution
2) ½ of the annually occurring taxes plus ½ of all utilities, food and daily maintenance – no contribution to improvements
In neither case is either person making money off of the other person. These suggestions are just what my wife and I both feel are fair. The arrangements should be agreed upon before the woman gives up her previous place and moves in. In addition, adjustments can be made if there is a major change, like the woman losing her job after she moves in. I would not have expected my girlfriend to pay nearly as much if she had lost her job and had to go on unemployment compensation. Living together is for the benefit of both parties and there should be reasonable sharing, depending on ability to pay by each person.
Quote: their saying is, "If the man makes the woman pay her own way in the beginning, then he will always expect her to."
I suppose that is possible, but that wasn’t in our case. After we got married at the ages of 40, my wife stopped working for 4 years and got her college degree and then went back to work. I wanted her to get her degree and was happy for her not to contribute to our expenses during those years. Of course, we were now married, so everything was now shared anyway. I also encouraged her to stop working about 8 years before I did so that we could have more time together, as she could do a lot of the grocery shopping and household chores while I was at work.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 October 2008):
Pay half of everything but no rent.
If you are paying rent to him then he's your landlord. He's not. He's your boyfriend.
He shouldn't be making profit off you as a girlfriend.
Sit down, get it all down on paper together and come to agreement.
Good Luck!! xx
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (1 October 2008):
Wow, troubledtoomuch, I am sorry you think I am bitter. The suggestion I gave about what "older folks" say is what my father, grandfather, hair dresser, and many other older people in my family told me growing up. (it doesn't mean that they were right, it was just their beliefs - their saying is, "If the man makes the woman pay her own way in the beginning, then he will always expect her to.")
I do not think the man should pay for everything (I should have made myself more clear in my last entry, so sorry), I agree that the woman pay half of all bills, but not half of rent if there is no rent to be paid if the man is the one who asked her to move in.
I do not expect a "free ride" in life, I have been on my own since I was 18 and I put myself through college. I have been working ever since then, paying for my own bills with no help, etc. The reason I was bitter about my boyfriend changing his mind on me paying rent is because we had talked about it several times before I moved in and he insisted that he did not want me to pay rent, just help w/ the bills. Then I move all my stuff in, and a couple days later he tells me how much rent I should pay. We obviously got over it, I'm still with the guy, but it was still shitty of him to do that to me after all of the discussions we had had about it.
The reason I asked what is up with men in this generation is because I know of a couple of other girls that had a similar rent situation as me. And I also hear of stories all the time of guys expecting the girl to pay when they go out. I see the girl paying ever once in a while, but she shouldn't be the primary person who pays every time they go out to dinner. --- I wasn't bashing men, I like men - I just don't like it when I see a girl clearly expecting a guy to pick up the tab & then he gives her a crazy look & tells her she needs to pay for it.
Not to mention, I was only trying to make the original writer feel better. I do think it is ok for her to pay half of the bills and I also think it is ridiculous for him to ask her to start paying for rent all of a sudden when there is no rent to pay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): This arrangement is leaning too much in his favor. You are paying more than your share of the household expenses. I think the option of living together and splitting the bills is the most equitable. That is what my wife and I did for the 2 and ½ years before we got married and were just living together. This was about 24 years ago. We split the food 60% me / 40% her, since I ate more than she did. We split the utilities 50/50 and she also paid me $100 rent. I think my mortgage was about $400 per month, but that didn’t enter into our agreement. The rent she paid me was less than she paid in rent before she moved in with me and the utilities were probably less than she had paid also. We were both very happy with the agreement and we both thought it was fair. Actually, if I remember correctly, she thought she should pay more in rent and I told her NO, but that was a long time ago. I think that you should compare what you pay for and what it would cost you to live alone in an apartment. If you are paying more than 50% to 70% of what it would cost you to live alone, then you are paying too high a percentage of the cost.
I think that it would be fair for you to pay rent amounting to about 50% of what you would pay for a relatively nice apartment and split the utilities and the food and normal daily expenses. There is no reason for you to pay any of the taxes, home improvements or major repairs. This is basically what my wife and I did and we thought and still do think that it was fair to both of us.
It sounds like Hopeful Romantic is awfully bitter and thinks that she should get a free ride in life. She says, “Older folks say that the man should pay for everything.” Well, my wife and I are both 63 and we both completely disagree. Of course, it would be nice for the woman to get a free ride, but equality is more realistic. Just because you got in a situation where you had a guy who changed the rules after the fact doesn’t mean that living expenses should be a one sided situation, either way. That was not fair, but getting a free ride isn’t fair either.
“If the man wants the woman living with them, then they pay the rent.” and “what is up with men in this generation????” What is up with women who think that they should get some free ride???? Perhaps some women believe that the sex he is getting is payment enough. Well, if so, that makes that woman basically a prostitute. Perhaps the man paying for everything was the case 50 or 100 years ago when women rarely worked, but there is no reason for this to be the case in more modern times. My wife and I believe in equality of the sexes as much as possible. I had a better job than she had, so I ended up paying about 70% of the total expenses. However, she got to live in a much nicer place at a lower cost to her than she paid when living by herself. The $100 rent she paid was about ½ of what she paid in rent before she moved in with me.
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (30 September 2008):
He is using you. Older folks say that the man should pay for everything. If the man wants the woman living with them, then they pay the rent. I wish that were the case these days, but sadly, it's not.
So, it's okay for you to pay HALF of the bills including electric, cable, water, things like that. BUT DO NOT and I repeat, DO NOT pay that man ANY rent if he does not have to pay rent himself!!!!!!!!! What is he thinking? That is absolutely horrible that he would even ask you to do so!!! Gerrr!!! If I were you, I would tell him all this and maybe mention that if he really expects you to pay rent on a house that he owns, then he must not consider you his girlfriend and you will start looking for another place to rest your head at night.
This makes me angry and I don't even know him - makes me angry I guess because when I moved in with my boyfriend he told me I wouldn't have to pay any rent, so I moved in and all of a sudden he told me how much I needed to start giving him each month - what is up with men in this generation????
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female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (30 September 2008):
You should pay half of everything. Only half. Also you should only have to pay rent if you are renting a room since he doesn't have rent. I think you are getting used!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): What sort of relationship is it when only one person is standing under the umberella. This relationship can never work.
Good luck
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