A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in total shock. I was dating a really wonderful, fun man for 10 months, who was doing important research in the medical field. We saw each other about once a week, and rarely on weekends, as he was always working on grants and papers, trying to get funding to work with an esteemed laboratory in Australia. We both knew that he was likely going to leave the U.S., and he didn't know how long he'd be gone (potentially up to two years), so we never labeled each other "boyfriend and girlfriend", even though we communicated regularly throughout the week via email and text, and claimed to be exclusive. Sure, the spotty dating and rare weekends raised a few alarms, but, after talking to a researcher friend, I was convinced that the long hours, and the out-of-town meetings and conferences that this man was putting in were not unusual in his field. Well, soon it came time for him to leave the country. We had our "goodbye" date on August 3rd, which was romantic and tearful. We said that we'd keep in touch. I hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks, besides one email update, and just assumed that he was busy with packing and traveling to say goodbye to his family. Last night, I decided to see if I could "friend" him on Facebook (I didn't feel it necessary to "friend" him before then, I guess). When I found his FB page, I was slapped in the face by his updated profile images of...his WEDDING! After a little snooping, I discovered that he was married on August 9th, less than a week after our "goodbye" date, and that he'd proposed in June, and that they'd met in September (just one month before meeting me).I am reeling from this discovery. I feel heartbroken, foolish, and betrayed. This guy lied to my face and pursued me, with absolutely no remorse. And, it wasn't just about "sex"--we had plenty of dates that did not involve that at all. He always said that he missed me and enjoyed being with me. He told me that I was "gorgeous" and that I was "special". I guess that I should have paid more attention to my "gut" feelings, instead of listening to all of his flattery and excuses.My friends and family are telling me that I should tell his new wife about this. I think that this is the right thing to do, as, if I were in her shoes, I would want to know the truth. I'm angry that I'm in this position of having to tell her, when it's HIS responsibility. Still, women have to help other women to spot sharks in the water. I'm heartbroken over having to do this and break someone else's heart.My questions are two-fold:1) How can a man do this to a woman, especially one that he SUPPOSEDLY loves enough to marry?2) How should I tell this woman that the man she loves isn't who he says that he is?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: So, the day after I emailed him, he actually called me up. Of course he was apologetic and claimed that he had never wanted to hurt me, and that he loved me and couldn't bear to say goodbye to me (I think that's called "having your cake and eating it too" --ha). He said that he felt lousy about cheating on his now-wife, but then later in the conversation went on to say that he wasn't entirely sure that he'd made the right decision, and that I was a much better match for him than she was. He said that the reason that he chose to marry her was that she was vulnerable and made him feel needed, whereas I , a career woman, made him feel like I didn't need him. Obviously he is very insecure. Still, it's a lesson for me, in a way, to not be as guarded next time, to be more vulnerable and to make my emotional needs known. Not excusing him for being a jerk, but, still, it's good to get something valuable out of all of this. Thanks for the answers!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2014): OP in fairness no one would have seen it, it's just one of those things and it's shit, he's a dick.
There's no rush to tell her. So take your time and get over the shock first. There's no situation where it is too late to tell her and you owe her nothing. Take care of yourself first.
Now is the time to make sense of things for yourself, let all the annoying post-mortem and self-analysis shite that comes with this kind of thing work it's way out of your system before you add more drama to it.
Once you're in a more serene place then decide what's best for you. You may decide staying well removed from their situation is best or you may not, either way it's probably not a good idea to go messing about in other people's lives while you're still in shock.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm having my doubts about telling the woman now. What if she doesn't want to know? What if he retaliates against me? I have to do some more thinking about whether or not I will send her an email.
I did send him an email last night. If he really is in Australia, then it may take some time for him to reply, IF he does. I am going to wait a few days, just to see if, maybe, I get some more information (which could be lies anyway). It may give him some time to "poison the well" against me to his wife proactively, but I have a lot of evidence that will be difficult to dispute.
I'm still pretty shocked about it. I really didn't see this coming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2014): I think you should tell his wife. It is up to her if she wants to stay or leave him. This kind of people should atleast learn they can not play with others life and emotion and walk a way,there is some consequesnses! If you do next time he wouldn't do the same with other woman so easily!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): In this day and age background checks on the people we are dating should be an automatic given. Dig into the person's past and really get to know who you are dating. Get as much information on the person as one can. There are so many imposters out there using people. Put the emotions aside that dating brings and go with the hard facts first so a person doesn't get derailed like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the replies. I would like to think that, although I am very hurt about this, I am a very level-headed and compassionate person. Looking at this from a wider perspective, and the type of person that I am, I know that I just could not live with the guilt if I did not tell her something. Yes, maybe she already knows, or maybe she will choose to stay with him anyway, but that is none of my business. I just want to give her the power, the information needed, to make a decision that will affect the rest of her life. If this guy was cheating with me, there's no telling who else he may have been cheating with. There is also people's health at stake here.
I will take up my grievances with the man in question by sending him a separate email, but I think that his wife deserves a thoughtful, sincere, and mature message.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): "1) How can a man do this to a woman, especially one that he SUPPOSEDLY loves enough to marry?"
You don't know what he's done to her or what she knows, OP.
What you really mean is how can he do it to you? The answer only he can tell you but my bet is he's just a prick.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): OP something doesn't become the right thing to do just because you'd do it or you'd want it that way and hurting his wife this way is not if you ask me, it's more about revenge or a form of pseudo-justice because you feel hard done by.
She hasn't done anything bad to you so I don't see why you would ruin her marriage.
OP you can't say for certain she's a person who would want to know, you can't say that she doesn't already but has chosen to stay because she believes she can build a good life with him and it was a one off.
Basically you don't know enough about this woman or what she wants to just say telling her is the right thing to do, you could just end up ruining her life to make yourself feel better.
Understand, OP, sometimes telling them is the right thing but only in circumstances that you know the woman and you know that's what she'd wants. You can't use assumptions that to risk completely fucking someone's life because she too is a victim of him, OP, she doesn't need the woman he cheated with absolving herself or using her to get justice for herself.
OP stay out of her life and don't make this worse for her if she's chosen to ignore it.
It's only right to tell someone you know would want to know, without that you're only doing it for selfish reasons and frankly as a victim of cheating I don't know why you want risk another woman's feelings in that way.
It's her marriage, she gets to decide how to deal with this and deserves more than you imposing your beliefs on her.
OP the least she deserves is that you take some time to get over what you've been through before you make any decisions. It's only been three weeks and your world, trust, faith are still completely shattered and you're very hurt. At least give yourself the chance to recover emotionally before adding the guilt of crushing another woman to the mix, you and she have the most to lose in all this.
OP you should never make such an important decision for another person's life while dealing with so much emotional distress yourself.
Give it some time and heal yourself first. Give your head some time to clear before you go ahead with this if it's really what you want to do.
3 weeks is not long and you have a lot more healing to do, focus on who's important here first, OP, you. Anger is the worst emotion to feeling when doing something like this. You really don't want to say or do anything you end up regretting because that'll take far longer to get over than his betrayal.
Maybe you're right, OP, and the best thing is to tell her. But wait a while and gather yourself together first. What they do in their lives is not as important as you healing and as you said the idea is already breaking your heart. Doing it will feel tens times worse, it's better if you're in stronger place mentally.
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (22 August 2014):
 I was in a similar situation to yours. He dated me intensely for a year. We spent practically every day together. Never once did I suspect that he was with someone else. He suddenly broke up with me and two months later he was married to someone else. Like you, I found all this out on facebook. I was devastated. It took me a long time to get over this betrayal. In retrospect, he did not marry me because I was not suitable wife material for him, and his family and culture would never have accepted me. I debated whether I should inform his new wife. I chose not to. I never even confronted him. I faced my pain. I worked through all my feelings of grief, anger, hurt and betrayal, and today I am much better and stronger. The best thing I did for myself was to turn my back completely on the situation, face my pain and walk away. I did it, not because I was afraid of confrontation, but because I realized that the whole situation was like a cancer in my life and if I did not cut it out completely, it would continue to suck the energy right out of me.
Like you, I had ignored the red flags. Not being introduced to any of his family was one of them, and I ignored my gut feelings which were telling me that something was not right here.
Now, I am indifferent. The pain and anger is gone. I can actually look back and see the experience as a joyful one that taught me a lot about opening up and loving someone. I also realized that the man that I fell in love with is not the man that he is, so in my mind I am in love with the memory of that time, but not with him. I lost all respect for him when I found out the truth. If he's happy or sad, alive or dead, I just don't care. I have since moved on and loved again.
You have a long, hard road ahead of you in facing this pain. I can't advise you about informing the wife. That's really up to you and what you feel like doing. If you choose not to tell the wife, trust me on this...Karma will take care of it.
I would advise that you not let him or this situation take any more of your valuable time and energy. Focus on yourself and your healing, and you will get over this. It may not seem that way right now, but I'm telling you from the other side of the mountain that it gets better.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 August 2014):
 how can he do it? easily... some folks separate sex and love easily.
did he care about you... yeah I"m sure he did.
does he care about his wife, yeah I'm sure he does
but I'm also sure that he cares about himself more than anyone else.
As to telling her... I understand that you think you are doing her a favor by making sure she knows that her husband is capable of straight faced lies and is not to be trusted but it's VERY possible she knows this and looks the other way because there are other reasons they are marrying like Cindy said.
I see my current husband's faults. If someone came up to me and said "i thought you should know he's doing THIS" I would look at them and say something along the lines of I already knew that and made my choice to stay with him anyway.
If you tell her and she says "thanks I knew anyway" will you be angry that she didn't leave him? if so then your intent and reason for telling her is not pure.
if you tell her and she didn't know and she says thank you but I'm staying anyway... what will you feel?
What i have learned is that what goes on in a relationship is not anyone's concern but the two people in the relationship. People outside of my relationship do not get why I stay with my husband and most of my friends say "I would not stay" and that's all well and good for them.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 August 2014):
 1) Easily. There are tons of men ( amd some women too ) who can keep sex and love neatly separated ! Two differennt persons for two totally different purposes.
Also ,do not forget that this of marryng because ( or JUST because ) you are in love is a wonderful and romantic, but typically American concept. Many other societies are a bit more jaded , a bit more practical about the scopes and effects of marriage ( and I am not even talking about tribal , backward places, nor about arranged marriages !! ... just Europe,for instance, lol ).
Often, a man chooses a woman because of her potential as lifetime companion and mother of his children, so of course there will be considerations of social ,religious and financial compatibility, similar background / education , prestige etc.
You do not marry the one who is hotter, or gives you more romantic butterflies in the stomach, because you know that in 18 / 36 months that is going to disappear . You marry the one who is more personally compatible but also socially preferrable. The " right " one .
2 ) I wonder , if this may not be the case with this guy. If maybe he belongs to one of the (many ,many! ) ethnic , social, monetary groups / cultures, which will play with the "wrong " girl and only marry the right one. If this is the case, your shocking revelation may go down like a lead balloon, yeah maybe the legal wife won't be happy being officially reminded of your role in the story, because these are things that are conducted with a bit of discretion,.... but basically it will be a big
" So what ". You'll just look like a jealous pathetic troublemaker and won't change the status quo.
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reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (22 August 2014):
 I would normally never say this but I think you should tell her. Not out of revenge but because she should really know what a creep she's married to. Write her a mail because if you send her a message on Facebook, she might not see it as you're not her friend on FB and the message would go to her "Other" folder which most people don't bother looking at.
Tell her whatever you know and tell her everything.
Yes, this man is a real bas!@#$ and he deserves to rot in hell. All I can tell you at this moment is that be thankful that you're not in the place of his wife and that you got of of this farce of a relationship. The poor woman is really doomed. You got out safe. Thank your stars.
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reader, Staceily +, writes (22 August 2014):
 I can't fully answer #1. From the cheating cases that I have seen, they are missing something in their current relationship and the side relationship is fulfilling that missing need. But not enough to leave their current relationship- comfort and whatever else keeps them there.
For #2 I would just message her however you have the means, Facebook presumably, and tell her you have engaged in a relationship with her husband for the last 10 months and you were unaware of her presence. Don't give too much detail, be mature and to the point. Then end it saying you felt she should know and you would want to know if you were in her shoes.
I disagree that this is about revenge and you should let it go. If I were newly married I would want to know. I would always want to know. What she does with it after you tell her is her own business, if she doesn't care then that is her choice. If she believes him then that is her choice. But the least you can do is to let her into who her husband is. She may get angry at you when you drop the news or blow up on you about it. If this happens take the high road and don't enter into the drama. You did your part and she can do with the information what she wishes. Once you let her know you can wipe your hands of both of them.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 August 2014):
 My two-fold answers:
1. We guys can be so resourceful and stealthy when we want to get a girl in bed. AND, many of us show no remorse when we are found out. Looks like that applies to your boy...., and,
2. I'd let this sleeping dog lie. It won't improve the human condition if you "tattle" on this creep....
Sorry for his behaviour. Good luck to you, in the future.
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female
reader, Fari  +, writes (21 August 2014):
 Hey I know how you feel. Its not a good feeling knowing that you put yourself out there as a woman, giving your all and getting the crappy end of the stick. Both men and women lie, cheat and hurt sometimes, intentionally and unintentionally. When it comes to your first question, what I can say is that some men are very egotistical. They dont feel much of a man unless, they have had alot of women. I can surely say this dude was playing you because he knew he was interested in a girl, why string you along. He is also a cheater, a liar and to top it off just unfaithful to his woman. Second question, I wouldnt say tell his woman, you are upset and you have every right to be, you are angry, hurt, vengeful - you are a woman and you have the right but revenge doesnt solve anything, just let him go. You are better than this. One day you are going to meet someone that would love , appreciate and give you their all that it scares you. Just keep the faith.
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