A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Just wondering if any body has had a partner who would often say hurtful comments during an argument and if so what did you do?My fiance often says things like he doesn't love me, can't see a future with me, doesn't want a child with me (something he knows i want soon ), that i need to get into the real world, wonders how i cope at work because i am so 'dumb' and plenty more. It doesn't have any relevance to what we are arguing about either. He's only apologized once for something he said. Not really sure what to do but I also wonder if what he says is his true feelings coming out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2016): That is called fighting dirty. And it is the wrong way to argue.And it isn't fair to either person.Moreover, it solves nothing. It is petty and childish and a game of sorts. Whoever says the most hurtful comments wins. Not so. It is similar to having an argument and when one person starts adding swear words to their arsenal, it actually means that person is the one who is losing the argument. Much like the one who stoops to mean and hurtful comments, which are often lies or exaggerated truths. And most often, they are never meant but said in the heat of the moment. Once said, words cannot be taken back. They have a very powerful effect. My bf and I have had some doozies. He always says very hurtful things to me. He has told me I am not smart enough to be with him. That he is tiring of me. That I am the devil. And the bad part about that is that these things hit us at our core and somehow the comments linger and we build resentment towards the person who is saying such horrible things. Meant or not. Does not matter. They said what they said. And the resentment has this way of compounding over time with every subsequent fight and further mean comments. The fact they stoop that low says a lot about their character and maturity level. The fact they want to actually hurt you makes you pull away from them. You feel like they do not love you and in fact hate you. So you distance yourself. You begin to hate them back for actually saying those things to you. For thinking those things about you. You know you don't deserve it and think they are scum for trying to bring you down that way, and to try to break you. Love does not do those things.Fighting fair means saying when you do "THIS", I "FEEL" hurt or angry. Not you are a bitch or an asshole. I wish you were dead... type of thing. These comments only serve to push a person away further and escalate the fight which could culminate in the termination of that relationship.Fighting is not even the word. Discussing or talking about something is a better way to describe it. And what is best is walking away from the situation for awhile to cool down and think. Regain your composure and level headedness before you say something stupid. Most people fly off the handle without thinking. And this is hurtful. So actually disengaging from the argument and telling your partner you will talk to them once you cool down is probably the best way to resolve the issues.So, are people who resort to name calling and who become vicious with their comments bad people? No, not necessarily. They just get carried away in the moment and by their emotions. They are not acting or thinking rationally. Once they calm down, they are usually sorry they said what they said and wish they could take it all back. So yes, we are all human and all have the ability to get upset and say stupid things. It is up the other person to forgive them but also to point out to them that their words were hurtful and to refrain from them the next time. Perhaps suggest they walk away and come back once they have cooled down. And see if things improve. Now, if the verbal abuse continues and becomes a pattern, then there are deeper issues at play and then it would be up to you to decide if you can remain in this relationship with a person who tries to continually bring you down. Remember the people who try to hurt you are not happy with themselves. They are not capable of loving themselves so they cannot love anybody else. They are lashing out by bringing down the people who are closest to them. You might need a time out or break from such people or a permanent break.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 He OFTEN says… OP that means he’s not coping with something in the relationship or in himself, and his true anxious insecure feelings/thoughts are coming out! So yes, you are correct.
I believe his hidden thoughts, feelings and nature are surfacing to the top. Fear drives him to suppress/belittle you when you both argue. The real issue could be he’s feeling insecure, unsure of the future with you and wondering how to provide for a family on a single wage. He then lashes out with emotional abuse, to verbally attack you for his insecurities. This is unacceptable!
He needs to learn how to communicate, share his concerns with you so you both can discuss solutions. Not dish out abuse.
On the other hand; the fact that he “often says” hurtful things is alarming. He’s pushed your sensitive buttons… seeing how far, how much he can get away with… he sees no need for apologies… there are no consequences for his behaviour. Yes you’re engaged, he knows you desperately want a child; and it looks like he can get away with being himself – an abusive creature!
I think you then need to ask, would you seriously want this abusive person to be the father of your child? No doubt he’ll be a verbally abusive Father; saying you’re as ‘dumb’ as your Mother and plenty more :(
Sadly you’ll go blue in the face waiting for any more apologies and have a bleak future if you don’t leave.
Ditto Aunts and Uncles advice
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2016):
 "My fiance often says things like he doesn't love me, can't see a future with me, doesn't want a child with me (something he knows i want soon ), that i need to get into the real world, wonders how i cope at work because i am so 'dumb' and plenty more."
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Him: "I don't love you."
You: "I am now realizing that you mean that."
Him: "I can't see a future with you."
You: "I agree, I don't see a future with you either."
Him: "I don't want to have kids with you."
You: "I don't want someone like you to be the father of my children."
Him: "You need to get into the real world."
You: "Yes, that would be a refreshing change from the hell and abuse I have been taking from you."
Him: "You are so dumb."
You: "I'm about to make a really smart move and break up with you. I already feel smarter not having to take this verbal abuse you dish out so freely. You and I are history. Pack your things and get out."
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Do you feel safe breaking up with him? Do you need a safe exit strategy? Plan ahead and get out of there if you are concerned about your well-being.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (19 May 2016):
Let me make this simple... If a man is putting you down every chance he gets...Then he does not love you.
I have no idea what you consider love to be.But when you love someone you cherish them. No one in their right mind curses a person they love.
This is the man you want to marry??? When you do and he keeps doing this...what are you going to say then?
Question...Would you let a stranger talk down to you the way your "future husband" does?? I bet not...but it is okay to let the one person who should NEVER talk to you that way do it?
This is what love is...Ask yourself if you are living even close to this...
"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2016):
 I have been with my husband for 20 years. NEVER once has he said ANYTHING like that to me, not in anger, not out of anger. I think the "worst" he has EVER called me was... stubborn. Which.. I am.
I think that he is making the PRESUMPTION that he HAS you where he wants you. Submissive and unwilling to leave. Because HE knows you feel "close" to your goal of becoming a wife and mother.
The thing is, you aren't trapped. Or at least you DO NOT have to be trapped. YOU can say enough, I'm done.
HE is not going to change. Whether you get married or not, he WILL continue this pattern with you. (of you stay) And when you have kids, he will STILL continue this. AND then there now a kids to "anchor" you to him.
The question is, IS this how you want the rest of your life (with him) to be? That he can HEAP on verbal diarrhea and abuse on you when he gets angry? That it's OK because he will apologize later?
I have to say if he says the SAME things in the heat of anger when lashing out at you... he PROBABLY mean them. He only apologizes because he KNOWS that is the ONLY way he can make you stay. The apology is part of his mind-fu@k games.
So you need to decide if this IS OK behavior or not. If it's not, in your book, then end it and SET yourself FREE from it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 May 2016):
 The KEY WORD in your submittal is "often."
IF you and he had an argument.... on some rare occasion... and he "went off the deep end"..... I might suggest that you give him (and he give you) a "Pass" under the "heat of the moment" rule..... HOWEVER.....
.. if it happens often, then the "Pass" is off the table.... and you must reconcile that he says what he means, and means what he sez.
Review your question with that in-mind, and see if you want to stay with (and marry!) such a creature...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 May 2016):
 I knew someone like this once, a long long time ago. I still wonder why and how I put up with it for as long as I did and I feel so mad at myself for allowing this to have happened to me. The best decision of my life was kicking this poisonous man to the curb.
Don't, please don't tolerate this behavior. Its abuse. He's saying it to hurt you, to make you feel bad, to hit you where it hurts the most. This is emotional cruelty and you should walk away from this immediately.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 May 2016):
 My 1st ex husband was like this. We were both very young but he was quite experienced at making me feel very unloved and insecure. He would make comments like "I don't like the way you kiss, I can't stand to kiss you, my ex girlfriends are thinner than you, why am I married to you.."etc...I took all of these comments to heart. We once went 3 months without kissing and when I commented on it, he started laughing and said "I was just playing head games with you, is that why you haven't kissed me?" He was very cruel, very immature, and notice...I said EX husband.
It took me about 2 years but I got smart and kicked him to the curb. I suggest you do the same with your guy. Its emotional cruelty. Who needs it?
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (19 May 2016):
 The arguments I've been in or observed have mostly been accusations about everyday grievances, along the lines of 'You always/never say/do this or that'. Occasionally name calling and a few curses, but nothing like what you're describing.
Either he has a very toxic idea about what a disagreement is supposed to look like, or, as I suspect, his true feelings are coming out. His attacks all seem to have the same theme.
Even if he were just saying it to be hurtful, is that what you want to live with the rest of your life?
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