A
male
age
41-50,
*almed-sea
writes:I am a 29 year old male, have been a bachelor for the past 3 years, and have previously experienced a long-term cohabiting relationship.When I was 17, I fell for a girl, lets call her Girl A, who lived nearby in my home-town. We dated for 6 months, until she ended it. At this age I had no idea about women. I probably did everything wrong possible! However we remained friends, although I still had strong feelings for her for a year or two after this. Eventually our lives took their own paths. We were still in contact, although it was more brief. She went to study at a University in another city and also went traveling for a while. I also studied in a different city, then moved abroad with my long-term girlfriend for a year. During this time I didn't experience romantic feelings for Girl A. It was just a bonus to catch up when possible.About 2 and a half years ago (now single), I was looking for new career opportunities, and I was offered a job in the city Girl A lived in. I took the job purely because it was the best opportunity at the time, and I reluctantly moved from major city to the new city. By this time in my life, I was enjoying life as a single man.I moved to the new city and rekindled my friendship with Girl A. She introduced me to all her friends in the new City, and then we even ended up living together for a few months because a room conveniently became available in her shared house. Sadly, she was in the process of moving back to major city, so we made the most of our time together. During this time we were "friends". I didn't see her in a sexual way, although I now realise that there were some old feelings lingering deep down that I perhaps didn't acknowledge. We had lots of fun together during this time. We would go to parties together, and one or both of us might hook up with someone else, only to be applauded by the other! At one point, we were each dating a guy and a girl who were friends with each other, and it was OK because we both liked our partners a lot.Over the next two years, and despite her living in another city, we had never been closer. We had been talking on the phone quite regularly (perhaps once or twice a week), and even went on a little camping trip together last Summer. It was during this camping trip that I suddenly start experiencing what I can only describe as strong magnetic feelings for her. We are totally relaxed in each other's company and can be ourselves… silly, goofy, whatever. At the same time we have differences in opinion and attitude, but respect each other. However the thought of "crossing-the-line" (being sexual) was too scary to act upon.After some more months, I realised that I had fallen for Girl A (my best friend). Also, I could sense that there was an equal amount of "love" in some form or another for me from her. So I plucked up the courage to bring up the subject gently. She agreed to meet up for a "chat" one afternoon. We met up in a pub and ended up playing a board game for about 3 hours before even having a discussion (it was a lot of fun!). I asked her "could you ever see us being more than friends?". She said "maybe" and we eventually tried a little kiss, although it was short and a bit awkward. We didn't get too involved in that discussion, left it at that and I walked her to the bus and we smiled each other goodbye.A few days later she asked to meet up again, and she told me that she was actually "seeing a guy", and that she was sorry for having "led me on" by kissing me, and that she was "lving for the moment" at the time, and felt "torn" afterwards. I took the news well at the time, but the next day I realised that I was consumed with jealousy (which is very untypical of me).We exchanged text messages and emails, but in the end I had to distance myself from her in order to try to move on and protect my feelings. I was very sad because I didn't want to lose a friend. I was angry, but at the same time I thought that if she had been my friend for this long then I shouldn't let something like this ruin it.I decided that it was time for me to get back on the "dating scene". I wanted to meet some nice new girls, have a bit of fun and move on. Although in the back of my mind is the craving for a long-term partner. I decided that if I met someone right, then I'll just go for it and not look back!So I got onto an Internet dating site, and within 20 minutes I was chatting online with a girl who looked attractive and seemed to tick all the right boxes. We met up 2 days later and had a few drinks and a chat. We both enjoyed the meeting a lot! The second date was really great, and by the end we couldn't keep our hands off each other!This new girl (let's called her Girl B) was astoundingly lovely. Attractive, young, successful, ambitious, unpretentious, and lived in the same city. It seemed too good to be true.However, between the first and second date with Girl B, I was offered and accepted an absolutely fantastic job opportunity…. on the other side of the world!… which I accepted. The duration is a year (or more if I want it), and there were only 5 weeks left before I had to leave.I had to break the news to Girl B during date 2, and I did so half-way through the evening. She was sad that I had to go, but understood that it was something I should do. She was keen to keep seeing me even though I had to go, and so we did. It was during the first 3 or 4 dates that I didn't hold back in my keenness, and nor did she. In my mind, I wanted to keep in touch while I was away, and thought that she could be someone that I could perhaps rekindle with when back.Then, the time came to inform Girl A of my situation. I told her about the move, and I also told her about Girl B. I guess I didn't need to tell her about Girl B so soon, but perhaps something inside me needed to get her back for before?. She sounded OK on the phone, but later confessed that she was feeling shocked.Fast-forward to the weekend, I was out with friends in major city. She sent me messages all day as to my whereabouts, and eventually turned up in the same club as us. She told me she wanted to chat, so we tried to find somewhere in the club, but it was full of people and there were no places to talk. In the end I saw the look on her face, and we ended up kissing passionately for a short while, in a room away from our friends.The following day we spend some time together, and it was clear that she was interested (she tried to kiss me again, held my hand, and told me she had thought of me at night holding her).So I went back to my city, and met up with Girl B as per previously planned. Girl B and I spent over 24 hours together, walking in the parks, cooking food, watching movies, and having lots of sexy fun.On the way to meet Girl B, I messaged Girl A saying that I was actually quite annoyed, because I had already moved on from her in my mind, and had ruled out the chance of anything happening between us. I told her that I may have time for "one proper date" before I left. Just me and her and everything we wanted it to be. So we organised a trip away to a secluded place far away from the city.I felt terrible about Girl A, as I simply could not pass up an opportunity to go away with someone I believe I have a lot of "love" for, but at the same time I did not feel I could cheat on Girl A. So, when I next saw Girl A, I ended things on the premise that I knew that we would get hurt if we carried on seeing each other in the time leading up to my departure. Because she is a sensible girl, she tearily agreed with me and we left it at that. I met up with Girl B the following day and we went away together and had one of the most incredible times I've ever experienced with someone. It was like a dream come true. We united sexually, and it was commented by us both that it was even better than we thought!However, while away, I started receiving text messages from Girl A saying that she had been thinking about us, and that she had gotten a perspective on things, and wanted to carry on seeing me "without all the seriousness". I diplomatically replied saying that I had to focus and had a large number of things to do before I left (which is true). She said "can't we have one last time before you go? I wouldn't like to leave on bad terms, and I'd like to keep in touch while you're away".Logically to her, there is no reason why I cannot see her. However, I would feel really bad cheating sleeping with two girls at the same time that are so emotionally attached. I may do it only because in my mind I'm not actually "with" any of them officially, and if it were an easy way to end one of them.However, I feel that I have some way to go with Girl A. We sill need to go through the "dating process", even though we're already friends.I felt that Girl B was so devastated by our abrupt ending that I couldn't leave her text message unanswered, and said "yes" to "having one last time".This is now my dilemma, and it's giving me grief! I am hosting a leaving party in 2 weeks' time. There is no way that Girl A and Girl B can both attend. Girl B is aware of it. I could simply not invite her, although she would wonder why she cannot come.The simple thing to do would be to come clean to Girl B. But many friends have strongly advised me not to tell her about Girl A, as it would only hurt her and open a whole new world of pain and jealousy for her. So keeping the "going away" excuse going would be the "kind" thing to do.This would be easy if Girl B wasn't so nice!Girl B is awaiting my reply for when we can meet up. I don't know if I believe it will really be a "last time" though. Women confuse me!I only want to be with Girl A, as I can see us together in the future, and want to give it a go. But I don't want to hurt Girl B. I feel sick. Help!
View related questions:
ambition, best friend, jealous, kissing, move on, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 you need to be honest with Girl B. "I like you BUT..."
it's horrid and painful for all but much like ripping off a band aid it will hurt for a brief minute or two and then life goes on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): Girl A only started chasing after you when she knew she lost you? What happened to her other boyfriend?
I think, sadly, you used Girl B, and she doesn't deserve this. Come clean and don't mess with other peoples emotions again.
Personally Girl B seems more genuine and Girl A now just wants you around, like old faithful.
But you are going away right? For more than a year? So do u expect Girl A to wait around/ a LDR?
Girl B doesn't deserve to be hurt and I think you have done her a disservice.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (10 May 2011):
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, calmed-sea +, writes (10 May 2011):
calmed-sea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the tips guys. Girl A has to be invited to the leaving do. She is my best friend, it would be WIERD not to!
Last night Girl B sent me a message saying "put my mind at rest. There's something special between us, right?" I replied "Yes, but I'm worried that we're different types of people". I also suggested meeting to "chat" later today, and have planned to kind of tell the truth.
Meanwhile, I had an hour-long heart-to-heart with Girl A on the phone where we talked about our feelings, fears and ideas. It's not straightforward with her. But by the end of the call I was sure I wanted to try things with Girl A.
Girl B knows something's up. If I simply "cut her loose" there will be a sense of confusion in her for a long time, and I will feel bad also. I think the only way is to tell the truth (not the whole truth, but just the fact that "someone in my life who I have a long history with has informed me of their feelings and it's changed things"). At least she will know why things changed.
Wish me luck. I need it!
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 May 2011):
Your friends are right. Don't tell Girl B about Girl A.
The best thing you can do for Girl B is to cut her loose, and although it will seem harsh, just cutting her out of your life (but giving her as much closer as you can, without telling her everything!) she can more easily move on.
If you see her one more time, or drag this on, you're going to risk seriously messing her up. You might also risk the relationship with Girl A. Up until now you've shown yourself to be a pretty decent guy. Don't blow it :)
Girl B doesn't deserve to be used as a means, and she does deserve to find a guy who is 100% available to her. Your not that guy.
Do the right thing mate. Cut her loose, it will be hard.. but i think you'll feel better after you've done it and you can both move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 May 2011):
 You seem to be thoroughly confused! Not surprising since you have been "seesawin anwg" from girl A to girl B and back again......I recommend inviting neither to your going away party........you will have a lot to do to get ready for your departure anyway.
It would be a good idea to be away from both of them; give you a chance to clear your head and come to a decision as to which girl you want to commit to - and you may feel neither is quite the one after all.
Good lucki!
...............................
|
