A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm really upset and need a bit of advice please.I'm recovering from a 20 year relationship and it's been 3 years now since I've been alone. My ex was abusive and alcoholic and it's taking me a long time to recover. I always worked and had my own flat. He was effectively given his and we planned that he would stop drinking, we'd sell both flats and buy a house together with no mortgage. I hoped this would be enough for him to stop drinking but he didn't. I finally asked him to leave. I'd become totally dependent on him emotionally and had very few if any friends of my own, so it's been harder for me to get over him.Last night I went out on a Friday night into town ( I don't usually go out at the weekend as I don't like the crowds and general rowdiness) to meet a friend that I'm aware is not a really close friend but I'm fond of as we used to work together when we were both really young and had nothing.she got lucky and has never really worked much because she found a banker boyfriend whose now a millionaire and they own several properties. She's told me that several friends can't take their wealth and she's lost contact but I've never judged her and I expected the same in return. Last time we met, I told her I may have to sell my flat which is in the area that I love living in and which is nice, and buy a house in a quite rough and ready area, quite far out of town, in order to develop it. I can't get any work in the field I work in due to governmental cuts and I was just about coming to terms with having to 'go it alone' with the plans that were supposed to be for me and my ex partner. It's been upsetting facing this possibility.My friend and her partner own 3 houses and the main one is in a very wealthy part of the city. Last time I met up with her I told her of my plans and I thought that she was being supportive and helpful. I also told her that I think a new man is interested in me as he's consistently shown this for about two years and he may now be moving to where I live.Anyway, last night she was very condescending about my plan to buy a property in this rough area and do it up to sell on. Unlike her, I don't want many properties, just one nice one. I don't want to rent out to people, just have a nice home. I also mentioned about this man. She laughed at my plans and said that I was 'crazy' to want to buy in the rough area (not because it's a bit rough but because she was being condescending, as if it's just a joke that anyone would even contemplate buying there) and she said that if this new man likes me and "if he's anything like a real man he will tell you you're being ridiculous". In the past she's so often said really insensitive things that I just let it blow over. But this time it really upset me. I HAVE to sell my flat because I don't have enough money to live on and I am really good at doing up property and she knows this because I bought and did up my own property years ago and sold it on for a huge profit. It's not even my first choice to do this but I don't really have any choice at all. I also felt upset that she was judging this man without knowing the first thing about him and I don't see why telling me that I'm being ridiculous to invest in a property makes him more manly. Her partner is VERY dominant and it's as if she's just willingly taken on his very greedy values and is applying them to me.Thing is, I don't have barely any friends and want to make more and keep telling myself - as I always have done - that I have to be less sensitive and just put up with people as they are. This is what I tried to do in the past though, and it somehow meant I just got used over and again so eventually I gave up and just spent all my time with my ex.How should I respond to her? Overall, I don't think she meant to really hurt me. I do believe she wants good things for me. But she seems oblivious to the fact that, unlike her, I can't just click my fingers and obtain as much money as I need for whatever I like.
View related questions:
alcoholic, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2014): Weirdly she may be a little bit jealous of your independence. Particularly if her man is dominant she probably just has to go along with him. You are making an adult decision for yourself - practical and sensible but with an entrepreneurial streak. Sometimes we have to take a different path to get things on track and you have every chance of making money. Friends are supportive whatever. Yes friends are honest but it is always said with both sides in full view. Friends should not make you feel low or be on your guard. I am in your age range and in exactly the same position since a 19 year marriage which was abusive. I have found it hard to make any decisions at all so the fact you are would tell me you are definitely healing. I have had friends say some pretty poor things to me and I have let them go. I joined some meetup groups, exercise classes and also go to Ceroc. Even though I have not got close friends nearby I feel able to keep my emotions healthy and going in the right direction. Don't let anyone drag you backwards. I agree with the other post about researching your area but it sounds like you have done that. It also sounds like you would enjoy this project and feel a sense of accomplishment which is another plus. Go with your gut instinct. I would be interested to see how this friend of yours would be without this powerful man in her life making all the decisions for her..... ;-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): WiseOwlE thank you so much for your intelligent, perceptive and sensitive response. You are 'bang on the money' on this one. I will bear in mind exactly what you say about how to respond to comments like this in future - you are completely right to suggest that I shouldn't just 'let it go' but can respond assertively, just to show that I'm not going to be put down - this was a huge problem that I had in the past and caused me to eventually withdraw. I have also researched this area inside out and, whilst it's not my ideal place to live, it's only for a year or so and then I can afford a bigger place where I live now.Really, thank you so much for taking the time with this, I appreciate it a lot.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): First of all, when some folks are in partnership or a relationship with a specialized professional, some of their mate's ways and knowledge will rub off on them. Your conceited and uppity friend is showing off. She has forgotten that her husband is the "banker," and she is "the wife" of a successful banker. Is she on his Board of Directors?
She didn't suddenly become an expert by infusion. She is so used to "talking at" her high society friends to impress; and trying to equalize herself with old-money. So she doesn't know when to turn it off. I was in a domestic-partnership with a successful attorney for many years. I am a gay man. He has since passed on.
I've set at the table at dinner parties, or attended galas and cocktail parties. I stood there listening to spouses of other attorneys and professionals. Speak as if they themselves knew the letter of the law, or have become experts by association. Often giving legal, financial, or medical advice; depending on their partner's particular profession. Sometimes they were correct as long as it was something simple, and most often common-knowledge. The arrogance and condescension would lead you to believe they themselves were the experts.
This is strictly not to look insignificant; if they themselves are not professionals in any field. They sometimes put on know-it-all airs to appear worthy of their partners. I've learned to bear-up or absorb their cutting remarks; and can verbally joust with the best of them. Regardless of gender. Don't play dodge ball. Always taking the hits. Spike it back in her direction. Always feel on equal terms. Her money doesn't make her any better than you. Just richer.
You can't let them pull you down. It's just an act. I never felt it was necessary to put-up with put-downs. Still have those same old snobs as friends, but they behave more at ease now than before. Trust me, they like to kick off their shoes and relax like anybody else. So you have to remind her she can chill with the snobbery and just be a friend.
You're experiencing this from your friend; because you let it blow over too often. She is believes she is high-end of your friendship. Yet she's seething with envy that you gave birth to an idea, and you're able to execute your own plans. So she tries to take the wind out of your sails.
Too keep you in your place.
Don't totally dismiss her advice; because she and her husband do own properties, and she would have some inside information that the general public may not have access to.
You have the benefit of previous experience and the pioneering spirit. Gay people often gentrify really bad neighborhoods here in the United States. Restoring gems that were left to decay; often starting a trend that has restored entire neighborhoods to higher property values.
Once there is evidence that change is coming, police become more vigilant. The point is to make the neighborhood safer to encourage better residents to move into the area. I know I'm preaching to the choir here about that. Your friend is pretending to be above all this. As if she knows better.
Follow your instincts; but do your research. She may have a point.
Some of those pioneering gays end-up pricing themselves right out of the neighborhood; when wealthier straights see the potential, and snatch up surrounding properties. Many of my friends have been victims. One particular couple I know restored an old dilapidated southern mansion sagging in the middle. A dentist and a high school teacher. It used to be a brothel, then a drug-ridden tenement house; and finally left vacant for years. It had to be gutted and completely lifted on its foundation. They got special funds from a historical restoration program. Including a very low interest loan; which was partially forgiven through sweat-equity. Drug-dealers hightail it out of the neighborhood when they see us coming. They know law-enforcement is going to pickup in the area.
The restoration was extraordinary. Now its a sight to behold. The neighborhood changed when other pioneers followed; and the property taxes and prices soared and shot through the roof. They flipped the home for a profit, and bought an adorable cottage in disrepair with nice surrounding property, and now doing the same. So don't be discouraged about your plans. You know the final score.
Take her comments with a grain of salt, as you should any friend who makes unkind or discouraging remarks. Don't fail to banter a little. When she said it was a ridiculous idea. You could always say; that's what most people say to those of us who are pioneers, who can see into the future and have a plan! She married money, she wasn't born with it.
She is always on her guard; because she is usually the one getting snubbed. Being around women born into wealth; or used to being captains of their own ships. You're the captain of your own ship, and that's a threat to her.
She knows in the back of your mind, you know where she'd probably be, if she didn't marry success.
If her snobbishness and the condescension worsens; don't be a sitting-duck for her barbs. Dump her as a friend. Real friends can be frank and helpful, without making you feel talked-down to.
It's better to have few friends that treat you well, than hang onto someone who makes you feel bad every-time you're around them. She wants you to think she's doing you a favor by being around you; truth is, your down-to-earthiness is
refreshing. She needs it. Don't be afraid to tell her come down off her high-horse when she insults you. Make her gasp. It will bring her down to a more digestible-level.
Losing her as a friend would be like taking off a pair of tight-fitting shoes. She's replaceable.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): Hi, OP here - I forgot to add that the area I'd buy into is 'up and coming' for sure - with new transport links and so on - and she knows this.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (6 September 2014):
 I guess it depends on how much her friendship means to you, how much are you willing to let slide and not get under your skin. She sounds very outspoken and opinionated, but perhaps as honeypie says she just isnt very tactful and doesn't mean to be hurtful. I have friends like that, one of my closest friends in fact. She can be quite a know it all and very blunt, but I've known her for years and I know that she truly is a good person. Most of the time I just laugh it off if she says something I dont care for. If its really important to me, I let her know that I dont agree with her, and we talk about it. Agree to disagree. Otherwise, if she bothers you that much, then I'd stop seeing her. Sometimes its just not worth the hassle to have someone upset you.
I hope things get better for you sweetie. Hang in there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2014):
 Accdept that she IS this very opinionated person. And that SHE is allowed to have her own opinion, JUST like YOU are allowed yours.
IF you WANT to buy a house in a "rough" neighborhood then that is YOUR choice. Personally, I get wher she is coming from, buying a house is a "rough" neighborhood doesn't sound like a great investment.
When we moved we were looking at houses and found some really economically good deals in a "rough' part of town. The thing is, if we wanted to sell it at some point in time, we wouldn't be able to make profit of it no matter how much we remodelled, BECAUSE of the neighborhood, the schools there and the resale value we chose NOT to buy. So from an ECONOMICAL standpoint, I get her point. She just worded it poorly.
Also, my guess is she really doesn't know that area very well, and can afford to live wherever she wants so of course TO HER it would be a bad idea. She wasn't really looking at it from YOUR viewpoint, only her own.
I would just agree to disagree with her on that issue.
As for the whole, :"if he's anything like a real man he will tell you you're being ridiculous". Makes her sound ignorant. But again, THAT is HER opinion. Doesn't mean she is right.
You DO know what they say about opinions right?
Being friends doesn't mean you HAVE to agree on everything. I know my friends and I don't. But we DO respect that fact that everyone is different. So we usually go with the:" agree to disagree".
...............................
|
