A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:Here is a background of me and my boyfriend.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-am-not-a-talker-but-my-ldr.htmlMy boyfriend has a few times said to me that because I am quiet on the phone, he thinks I am distant, and that I must be talking with other guys. On Saturday my boyfriend came over and we had a great time. After sex at night he decided to go home because his dad was sick. He was wondering whether he should stay the night or go home. It was 11pm. I told him it's okay if he went home. I also told him my plan was to go to the amusement park with my son all day on Sunday. He said he would call me in the morning.By the time he called me I was at the park's parking lot. I told him I had to get going and I could tell him the day's event when I got home. The day went by fast and when I checked my phone it was 8:50pm. I noticed my boyfriend called my three times. I called him and his comment was, "So how was the date?" I was dumbfounded. Date? I told him sorry I didn't call earlier. I told him what we did and we were busy and it was noisy all day so that's why I didn't hear my phone. He kept on steering the conversation into the "imaginary date." He kept on saying that he couldn't believe that I was with my son the whole day because I was always a home person. I told him I didn't like this conversation anymore. I just told him "I love you good night." then hung up. I did that because I had to prepare for the next day and I wasn't going to let this drag on becoming another 2 hour conversation like before. I went home I noticed he had called my home phone three times, starting at 12:30pm. So that meant at that time he really didn't believe I went to the park with my son.I don't really know how to talk to him when he calls, or whether I should stop picking up the phone. I know that insecurity is not a sign of love and people like that need help, but when he accuses me like that and let his obsessive mind clouds his sense of reality I feel like there is nothing I can do.PS. I had never given him any reason to doubt me. I always just hang out with my son, that's it. I have no male friends and our relationship has been exclusive once it started.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Oh sweetie… this is so NOT good… He’s irrational and jealous for no reason and he’s accusing you of cheating and lying.
I don’t see this ending well but to be honest when he had said “how was your date” I would have said “it was fine the young man I was with was a total gentleman and we had a lovely time especially because I paid for the entire date”… I mean after all you paid, your son is a young man and you had a great time (and it flew)…
I’d address his insecurity with humor… although he won’t see it that way..
I agree with Tisha btw that it’s going to be better to end this now… but I think I’d do it face to face.
I know that this is NOT what you want to hear.
I know that it's going to be hard to end this... you've put so much effort into making this work... but lately you seem more and more to be struggling with his issues and is this really FUN now?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2012):
Oh sweetie… this is so NOT good… He’s irrational and jealous for no reason and he’s accusing you of cheating and lying.
I don’t see this ending well but to be honest when he had said “how was your date” I would have said “it was fine the young man I was with was a total gentleman and we had a lovely time especially because I paid for the entire date”… I mean after all you paid, your son is a young man and you had a great time (and it flew)…
I’d address his insecurity with humor… although he won’t see it that way..
I agree with Tisha btw that it’s going to be better to end this now… but I think I’d do it face to face.
I know that this is NOT what you want to hear.
I know that it's going to be hard to end this... you've put so much effort into making this work... but lately you seem more and more to be struggling with his issues and is this really FUN now?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2012):
 I agree, such a level of insecurity and mistrust as shown by your bf is immature, unacceptable, suffocating, and.. a bit dumb, too:). What does it mean "you are a home person ", maybe you are , but your child is not ! . You may be a total homebody, but NEED to go out for medical checkup or attending family events or social functions etc. So, next time that you end up in E.R. ( let's hope it's never ), or that you have to attend a wedding or a funeral, he would authomatically assume that if you are out, it's for cheating. That's a sign that he does not even consider or respect what may be your life, interests and committments, outside of the relationship. This is not a sign of love, and you are probably better off cutting him loose before he gets too aggravating.
But... I noticed something curious, IMO, in your post.
I think either you are one of those very compartimentalized, self-contained person, that can and want only put themselves on ONE thing at the time ( if you are with bf it's all and only about bf, if you are with the child ditto, etc.etc.) and have scarce fluidity in passing from a situation or mental state to the next. ( it's not a critique. This is a way to be, a type of personality ). Or..... you weren't too invested in the relationship and not too excited about yr bf anyway . I mean, sure that if you are at a noisy theme park, or in the middle of noisy city traffic, or in the middle of anywhere noisy, you won't hear your phone. But... what about checking it, every couple of hours or so, to see if somebody has called you ? particularly if these somebodys include a boyfriend , whom, in theory , you'd be glad and excited to hear from... ?
If that has not even crossed your mind,.... maybe you weren't that glad to hear from him to begin with ?.....
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (26 June 2012):
 This is one of those behavioral issues that makes a relationship not worth the trouble. He wont change, this is part of his personality, and it will only get worse as he gets older.
If you stay in the relationship, you are going to constantly have to be on the defensive, and that is extremely energy draining. Eventually he will become controlling.....of what you do, where you go, who you talk to, who your friends are. You will find yourself having to account for every second that you're not with him. It's a very miserable way to live.
Get out, it's time to move on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2012):
 I just re-read your question. You want to know what to say to him if he calls again. I'd write something down, read it to him as naturally as you can and then say goodbye to him.
"John, I am answering this call because I have something I would like to say to you. I am offended and upset at your insinuations that I've been on some kind of date. I took my son to the amusement park. That's it, end of shocking day out. I was with my son all day.
I don't tolerate being harassed and accused of cheating well. Your insecurity and rudeness have left me no option but to end our relationship. It would be a healthy thing for you to get some help for that, as it will no doubt cause problems in any future relationship you might have.
I enjoyed our time together but I cannot be with you any longer. Goodbye."
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The longer you leave it, the more freaky he's going to get. I'd get this over with as soon as possible. You are right, this insecurity is not a sign of love.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2012):
Um, yeah, so you could spend hours talking this out with him and you'll wind up in exactly the same place. He doesn't trust you and the way he shows it is by challenging you and accusing you of cheating on him. This is not healthy and you know what? You deserve better.
I'd drop him now, he needs more help than a few heart to heart conversations will ever provide for him. He's just being rude.
There is nothing you can do to calm his mind, short of surgically implanting a phone in your ear and giving him 24/7 access. His insecurity is really unhealthy and the way he expresses it is really hostile. I'm sorry his dad is ill and he has a long commute. That doesn't give him the right to be a jerk, sorry.
I'd move on now, this isn't going to get better.
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