A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Some back story:My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. Aside from a few normal bumps and turns in the road, our relationship has been quite a breeze. We started off in a very unconventional way, though. I actually had a fling with a friend of his, which was very short-lived and turned out to be that this guy was sleeping with lots of women and I was just one in the mix. Through that non-relationship, I met my current boyfriend. We started off as friends for a few months, which turned to a romance, at which point he did check with his friend and assured me we could work through that added insecurity. we’ve been very happy together for a little over a year. Of course, as you can imagine, this history definitely brings a bit of insecurity, even t this day. Mainly because they do still talk and hang out, which I know must be hard on my boyfriend. On my end, every time the two of them hang out, I get nervous because before I started dating my boyfriends, I was very aware that both of these guys were “players” and I worry that my boyfriend falls into old habits of talking about other girls and pretending I don’t exist. Recently, my boyfriend saw that I had searched his friends Instagram and get really upset about it, thinking I must still have feelings/curiosities about him. I explained to him why I had looked his profile up and we talked about it, but I know that is a very touchy area for my boyfriend so I am trying not to get involved. This brings me to my current situation—I recently used my boyfriends computer, and some of his texts came up on the screen. It was a conversations with said friend. First, there was a conversation where his friend sent him a picture from tinder of a girl in a bikini, listed under the same college as my boyfriend. His text read “dude, you still have a chance” and my boyfriend said “I’m so tempted” and they proceeded to talk about her photos and how they wanted to get with her. This prompted me to look further, to which I found other, similar coversations. Lastly, I found a conversation where my boyfriend made a comment about him not being allowed to get on his xbox (suggesting that I wouldn’t allow it, which is untrue because I was not even in town on this date) and his friend said “dude, why don’t you just end things? You always complain about things she does that annoy you” and my boyfriend only responded with “idk man”my question is simple: Do I mention what I found to my boyfriend, even though I know he would be upset that I was curious enough to look at his texts with this friend after the whole instagram issue? Is this normal for guys to complain about their girlfriends? Do I just take it as constructive critisism and try to be better? I don’t know what to do from here. Please help.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (9 June 2018):
 How can you take this as "constructive criticism" when he hasn't had the balls to tell YOU? Also, you are who you are. Unless the things which irritate him are small things you do because you are not aware you do them or because you are too lazy (not putting top on toothpaste, not putting rubbish out, etc), you should not change to just please some guy.
We ALL have things which irritate us about long term partners. Mostly they are small insignificant things, which are just a bit irritating on a day to day basis, but which don't take away from the value of the relationship as a whole.
One thought which crossed my mind was that, given your history with his friend, the friend is probably doing his best to split you up while your boyfriend may be running down your relationship and "agreeing" in an effort to appease his friend because he feels awkward about dating his ex, casual as your relationship with this friend was.
This sort of situation doesn't HAVE to be a problem. Nobody has a claim on you for ever, just because they dated you. This wasn't even a proper relationship but, even if it had been and simply not worked out, you were a free agent and allowed to date who you wish. Unusually, the insecurity seems to be on YOUR side, not on your boyfriend's. Given their behaviour and history, this is probably understandable.
You are stuck in an awkward situation in that you already know your boyfriend is going to be annoyed when he finds out you have snooped. He will be even more annoyed at being caught out.
I think, before you say anything, you need to decide how much this relationship means to you. You obviously don't trust him, so can there be a long term future for the two of you? If not, I would cut your losses and end things. (Whether you choose to tell him about the texts or not is up to you.) Alternately, if you want to work on the relationship (without compromising yourself), then you need to discuss with an angry boyfriend why he seems to be running you down to his friend and why this is not acceptable.
In your shoes I would take the first option. You have lost trust in him. That is no way to live. You deserve better.
A
female
reader, Rhodendron  +, writes (9 June 2018):
What do I think happened?
Well...I think it is this way. He does have major insecurity over the past his friend and you share. I think that to compensate for this insecurity he is playing all macho in front of the friend whom he knows you slept with. He is not going to let that particular friend think that he is too crazy about you or too devoted to you (because hey, that leaves him vulnerable to looking like an idiot if he thinks the friend views him as your second choice, let's say). He probably thinks that in his friends eyes, he is your 'sloppy seconds', and feels a little humiliated by this. TO play it off as no big deal, he has to come off like "hey I still find all these women hot, I'm a big hot sexy man" and, to himself "I could leave my girlfriend if it ever turned out she DID prefer my friend to me..."
Now, do I think what he said was right? HELL NO. He was implying he would cheat on you, albeit in a joking way. I do believe that it went too far.
I think you do need to address this with him. Tell him you read hte texts and tell him you are dissapointed to hear that he would be tempted to cheat. Just wait and see what he says as the reason. I wouldn't feed him any lines either way, just don't say much and see what he says. He will explain if it is an insecurity thing.
I think that you may have to break up, because I believe that the way you two started out is just going to cause too much emotional damage and cause him to always feel like he is somewhat humiliated underneath it all, and hence he will compensate too much with these rude comments, and then you will become insecure.
Is he a cheater? I would guess no, but the problem with these comments is they cast doubt onto the whole relationship and trust.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 June 2018):
 Bottom line is that if you don't trust your partner and have the tingling spidey sensation telling you to snoop, investigate whatever you want to call it...things are not good. Honeypie gave fabulous advice. Your boyfriend sounds very immature and it would appear that it wouldn't be too hard for his friend to lead him astray. Don't put up with that! How can you be happy always wondering if your boyfriend is cheating, thinking about cheating..wanting to cheat?? UGH...end it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 June 2018):
 In situations where you're questioning the relationship, ask yourself where you see yourself long-term. Do you think you could go on to marry this guy? Have kids with him? Trust him to give you a safe and happy home?
If yes then look at mending the relationship.
If not, stop wasting time and end things. I doubt that you instinctively think that you'll marry this guy or that he's the "one" for you.
Why waste time then? He already talks smack about you and you know that's what he thinks of you. If I were in your place then there is no way I could have pretended not knowing what you DO know. You *know* he's mocking you, that he's looking at other girls, that he's complaining about you and finds you irritating. He's faking happiness till he gets the courage to break up with you.
Why don't you do the honours? Dump his sorry ass and then let's see who gets the last laugh!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 June 2018):
 I meant low value, not love value.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 June 2018):
This is not just guy talk. These two guys are like bros before hoes. His friend is always trying to lure him back to the single lifestyle. To go along with it, your boyfriend bad talks you instead of standing up for you. Maybe their philosophy is that men get weak when they are "whipped" in relationships. Your boyfriend is so anxious to please him. He would even go as far as making up things like you being controlling over the xbox. As if you being insecure makes him the more desired. When you see a guy having to constantly prove to a more alpha guy (in his own perception), you see how love value he is. You should realize what you have here is not a relationship because they are having a bromance. Not meaning they are gay but he's helping him become more of a man by introducing new chicks, which means he is still a boy.
You don't have to mention texts. Just say emotionally and mentally you two are at a different level. He simply can't give you what you need because his priorities are somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2018):
 Nothing GOOD comes of listening at keyholes....
I think guys will talk about thing and fantasies that they don't share with their partner (and for good reason) but this is ridiculous.
I would honestly just end it. IF he is talking SHIT about you BEHIND your back, things are not as much of a "breeze" as you might think.
Is it normal for a guy to complain about his GF? Some do. Some will give you a tale of "woe" about the wife/GF/fiance to make themselves look more sympathetic. But if you read between the lines... he seems to ALWAYS complain about you. That you seem to genuinely annoy him. And he has NEVER said a word to you about that. It's a little along the lines of the guy who call their GF's "crazy" as an excuse for the guy doing stupid stuff that has no place in a relationship.
And while I ABSOLUTELY understand that we still see attractive people around us when we are no longer single. We don't go blind to what else is out there - I think that is "normal" - however for the two of them to go through Tindr to see what's "out there" pretty much PROVES that he (your BF) is STILL looking, still searching. Which means, you are just someone he is with for now.
I would tell him:" sorry "DUDE" I don't see the two of us working out, but hey the upside is that now you can play on Tindr and your Xbox as much as you want!"
After that I'd cut all contact and move on to a guy who is not only sincere but NOT a friend of these guys. Someone who isn't browsing Tindr to see all the "pussy" he "should" be getting.... Seriously... They sound like a couple of teenagers.
And OP, if you feel you HAVE to snoop on a partner there is something off in the relationship.
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