A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear AllJust wanted a quick question answered if you have the time! My husband years ago brought up his ex's son (husbands stepson) called Oliver. Oliver was/is a good kid but full of negativity and a bad attitude, but as I said, a kind person when he wants to be. Oliver naturally saw husband's family as his, as he still does and calls my husband Dad, sometimes. I don't mind this at all and would never expect ever my husband to give up on being there for this kid. But since I have been with my husband, nearly 6 years, I don't really know Oliver and don't have much to do with him (not through anything nasty, it's just he doesn't live here, has his own life etc).I am pregnant now after years of trying and we are so happy, however I don't know what to tell my child when he/she gets older about Oliver, especially if he were to come and visit us and refer to my husband as Dad. Oliver is still in touch with his bio dad, who we don't know at all, but I know that his bio dad wasn't there for him growing up, but this has changed. Oliver is not related, is going to be an infrequent visitor, but I just need help on how to tell my child about him because Oliver might see him in a brotherly way. I don't want Oliver to feel excluded, but at the same time, I don't want the negativity in my child's life. Thanks.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Am afraid I am not sure what exactly it is that is worrying you here, is it the fact that Oliver can sometimes be negative? Because most teenage boys are the same. I think it is great that your husband stood by him, he is a gentleman not many men would do that for a child that is not there own.
Now you are pregnant, this should be a happy time. Do you usually worry about small things? Or is this just something that is out of character? As you said you barely know Oliver, and well that probably means that neither will your baby, he will be just some guy that visits every so often, and when your baby grows up you can be honest with them.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 July 2016):
 He's your husband's "son", so you explain it how it is. There's no need to lie or get worried about it. All kids can be negative and have an attitude - it happens; your child could turn out like that with or without Oliver's influence.Focus on the pregnancy, not worrying about years from now :)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Don't worry about this now; your pregnancy is of utmost importance and just focus on yourself and on having a healthy baby. It'll be years before the baby asks you about Oliver and as you say, he's going to be an infrequent visitor anyway. Have you spoken to your husband about this?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 I would just tell it like it is.
Why be dishonest about it?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 July 2016):
 As I see it, Oliver is just an added bonus. Doesn't matter that he isn't blood. Your husband clearly loves him and Oliver clearly loves your husband.
What do you tell YOUR child about Oliver? That Oliver is an "honorary brother". I really don;t think you need to worry about this any time soon, your child will probably not ask or think about this till he/she is around 5+ And by then? Oliver will be off to college or more busy with his own life.
If any negativity arise from Oliver towards your child, YOU tell your husband to deal with it. But again, I think your worries are WAY premature here. Just relax and go with the flow.
My kids have a couple of "sissies" (not sisters) that are my husband's ex's daughters and they saw the "sissies" here and there and had no problem understanding that they were added bonuses. Same with their half brother's half brother.. (confused yet? hehe) My husband's ex have 4 kids with 4 men. The two oldest are girls (the sissies) then their half-brother (my husband's son) and then there is the youngest of her 4 who has a 4th father. He is about a year younger than the half-brother and honestly? We have regarded him and treated him the same as everyone else.
In today's society of mixed families and blended families all you can do is make the best of it and make it work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2016): If this kid is going to be an infrequent visitor, I would not worry about your child feeling brotherly feelings towards him or being negatively affected by his presence. I doubt that they would form a strong bond considering the age gap, lack of blood relation and infrequency of visits. I would just be honest about what the connection is. You could say that your husband wanted to continue being there for Oliver despite the fact that Oliver has some issues, because it is the right thing to do. He needed a father figure and a good influence in his life.
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