A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am at the end of my patience with my 19 year old daughter!Her attitude, mood swings and rude behaviour started around the time she started 6th Form college and having sex with her boyfriend.We had a few arguments and she would storm off to her boyfriends and I even threw her out once but she came home, apologised and said she wouldn't do it again.Okay fast forward 3 years and things have got worse.She is very lazy, never helps me and is very rude to both me and her younger brother.She complains i never tell him off or never ask him to do chores. He is 12 and has suffered terrible bullying at school, resulting in him being home schooled. He is also being assessed for dyspraxia, adht, autism and dyslexia, as he has signs of these. This has come as a huge shock to us all but her way of dealing with an outburst or him winding her up, is to call him a stupid boy and say you definitely have problems. This is very hurtful to him.Now she has finished college and is waiting to go to uni she is about even more, which I don't mind if she was more considerate to the fact her brother is doing his school work and I am also working from home. I just don't know what to do, I am so tired of all this and when she isn't here the house is so calm and peaceful. I told her today that she will need to find somewhere else to stay when I move house in a months' time. But other people can only tolerate her moods in small doses, so we get left with it all.I know she is only using my house as a hotel until she goes to uni but she can't see she is showing me how she will behave when she comes home for holidays.I have given her good advice, helped when she's needed it, been a shoulder to cry on but now I need to concentrate on my son, who is going through a very bad period in his life. I am his only parent, so he is very close to me but my daughter sees this as him being my favourite. No I just treat him like he is 12 and her like she is 19!I know I am not alone in this, but it would be good to hear from any other mums going through same thing or words of advice that might help me get through the next few months x
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female
reader, bdiehl2001  +, writes (13 July 2011):
 First I would like to say thanks for your second post it is a bit more informative cause the first post I read it did sound as though there was favoritism. So with the second post you let us know that there are cures on both sides & that you do still spend time with her; "We do indeed spend time watching tv or a film, and talking" QUESTION HERE THOUGH: When your spending this time with her does it include her brother?
(My daughter has put friends, her dad and her boyfriend before spending time with me - so no she really doesn't need mum time; but most of the time she shuts herself in her room. That isn't my choice, it's hers.)
From what you wrote there I can relate to your feeling as though she doesn't need mum time. She is grown has other options of people to talk to and hang with. Other people she seems who she would rather be with.
Children are funny though when someone or something else comes along that our focus needs to change, (now I do think that my attention does need to focused on my son's education.) our children resent it and feel left out or neglected.
I ran across this with my own daughter. There is a big age difference in my children's ages, 9 yrs actually. Even though my daughter had always wanted a sibling she resented that her little brother took a lot of my time & away from her at that. But with the age difference and his needs being a baby and all it couldn't be helped. So she turned to other people, stayed in her room, accused me of having a favorite, was mouthy. Sound familiar at all :).
That lasted for about five years & she even ended up moving in with her grandmother. I hated it! My daughter and I had grown so far apart.I felt unappreciated, and unloved by my daughter & I also had been there for my daughter & helped her when she needed it.
To shorten this a little we ended up going and getting some counseling; no that's not what I'm saying for you to do necessarily. The counselor had told me that I needed to spend more time with my daughter as the other readers here have already been suggesting to you. Now I was like you didn't feel that she NEEDED MUM TIME since she had focus elsewhere her self or just vegetated in her room anyway & really didn't need me like my son did.
However I took the counselor's advice and my daughter and scheduled sometime once a week where it was just her & I together, no one else to distract my ATTENTION from her. Surprisingly enough if made a big difference. We are closer now & we have learnt that we both had some unresolved hurt & bad feelings with one another that we have been able to talk about and resolve.
Now everything still isn't perfect and she still drives me crazy at times & still is occasionally mouthy and has little fits of disrespect; but all in all it's now a lot less stressful in the home and we're close again.
Now keep in mind life is stressful in and of itself and we couldn't always keep or even make the time to get together every week, but we did our best & found out some of the things which had been bothering each of us.
So I wish you and your family the best & God Bless
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Maybe you and your daughter need a heart to heart..."I am very proud of my daughter, she got good A levels results and a place at one of the best universites in the country. She has been doing as much journalism work as possible, reviews, work experience at the paper, blogs to help her. She knows I will be around if she needs help, so maybe that is why I'm her verbal punchbag?" Without the verbal punchbag part, I think thats something she needs to know. That no matter how it seems you favor your other son (i know you don't, but this is probably what she thinks) she will always have a place in your heart and that your proud to call her your daughter. That might help. It might give her a new perspective on your relationship, and maybe she'll realize she's been treating you unfairly. I think it will, and either way its something every daughter should know. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't favour my son, just so happens he really doesn't have anyone else but me. He still has to get through his education to get to college and then hopefully university. My daughter and my other son, who is 18 both have places and are getting ready to start a new adventure. I have been there for both of them and helped them when needed and now I do think that my attention does need to focused on my son's education. I also need to concentrate on building up my business, so I can pay the rent and the bills as I don't have a fairy godmother that does that.
My daughter has put friends, her dad and her boyfriend before spending time with me - so no she really doesn't need mum time. We do indeed spend time watching tv or a film, and talking but most of the time she shuts herself in her room. That isn't my choice, it's hers.
Yes she is probably a bit worried about uni but she can talk to me, as she always been able to.
I do believe this is all about her boyfriend, he has made her very insecure and she is often throwing herself at him, which I hate to see but I can't say anything to her without her taking it as critism. I can see it all going pear shaped and guess who will be the first person she rings - me!
Yes I will miss her when she goes to uni but unfortunately spending the last 3 years being shouted at, talked to like a piece of shit and taken for granted, makes it really difficult to feel anything but relief. My daughter has a very split personality, she can be very nice and helpful but then you get the other side.
She always says she is an adult but unfortunately all I see sometimes is a very immature child tantrumming.
As for chores, she hardly does anything tbh and who will be doing the chores when she goes off to university? Her little brother has another 5 or 6 years to do chores and he will do them, as I believe all kids should help.
One of the reasons he only gets certains chores is he is very clumsy and I can't be doing with the clearing up when he is. He regularly cleans his room, sometimes daily and he even polishes it every weekend. My daughter hasn't hoovered her room for over 2 weeks. Their rooms are their responsibility. I've thought about the chores they both do and my son took over one of her chores when he became 12, and that was replaced with sorting out the hamster.
I probably ask her to do more grown up things because she is actually more grown up.
My daughter gets treated like she is 19 and my son like he is 12, I love them both the same but you cannot treat a 19 year old like she is 12 or a 12 year old like he is 19. So maybe that is seen as my son being my favourite, but that isn't the case. Unfortunately I think a few people have put things into my daughters head, sad bitter people which has made her worse. Her dad is still very bitter I left him 14 years ago, so he still tries to put the spokes in.
I can't help being my son's best friend and I was at one point my daughter's best friend until she dropped everyone for her boyfriend. She has even planned christmas with him, which I don't mind, as I always said once the kids were 18 they could make their own plans but I can see her not being with him then. So I have to see my daughter plan the next 6 months, chasing him all the time, he never comes to our house, she always goes to his house but never on a Saturday. Not nice to see your child doing this.
Unfortunately I think the underlying reason behind all this is that he brings out the worst in her. So what can I do about that. Nothing I just have to wait it out until he dumps her or cheats on her, as you can see it coming.
I am very proud of my daughter, she got good A levels results and a place at one of the best universites in the country. She has been doing as much journalism work as possible, reviews, work experience at the paper, blogs to help her. She knows I will be around if she needs help, so maybe that is why I'm her verbal punchbag?
I only have one daughter so she will always be special and I am sad that things are like they are but I think people forget I also want a much more relaxing life, after 14 years of hard work, struggle and problems. Yes I probably should kick my daughter out for her behaviour but I won't as she only has a few more weeks left before she goes to uni. Why won't I kick her out, because no one else will let her stay more than a few days. Like one of you said she knows she has it good with me, so I can't really be treating her much differently to my youngest then can I?
I guess I am her safety net, which I suppose will mean something when she is older and more wiser lol.
Thank you all for your comments, and yes I probably did mother my youngest a little bit but he didn't have a very good start to live, his dad died when he was little and then he has suffered terribly bullying since he was 10, and now he might have all these other problems. But now he is being home schooled he has indeed become more mature and independant. He washes my car, not sure my daughter would do that unless I gave her £20 lol!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Well 'hats off' to her for apologizing when you threw her out. Being rude and lazy is not helping her case but she sounds very resentful of her brother and obviously feels you favour him. He is allowed to get away with being rude to her and purposely aggravating her. You need to address this and speak to him about HIS behaviour. No one likes someone who is rude and a 'wind up'. He may have certain conditions but even he has to try and behave in an acceptable manner, otherwise you will be storing trouble for yourself and him as he gets older. And it will ruin any type of relationship between him and his sister later on in life. And you really don't want that to happen. You want to know she will always be there for him. That won't happen if things aren't managed properly now. So it is important you try and bring them together not form a barrier between them.
If you tell one off for being lazy...tell them both off! If you tell one off for being rude...tell them both off! It is bonding for them and shows you don't favour one above the other. It is parenting! If he is taught to curtail some of his behaviours and HE helps you around the house, then your daughter will have no excuse for not helping too.
I would advise against asking her to find somewhere else to stay during Uni hols. She will get very busy, make new friends and the day will surely come when you miss her and wonder how she is doing because you never hear from her. Having her to stay will be something you dream of shortly! I really think you are throwing out the baby with the bath water here. I can understand you don't like her behaviour but that seems to have translated into you not liking her. And that is sad. Her problems with homelife are every bit as valid as your sons problems. Her behaviours are a symptom of something just as your sons are. So try and tough it out with her too or you will lose someone irreplaceable.
I know it can feel as if you are drowning in problems sometimes. That is why you should seek to enlist and keep the love of those close to you. Don't see her as a problem to be removed. See her as your daughter needing a mothers unconditional love. Because i think that is what she is searching for. You need to sit down and talk to her from your heart before she leaves. Then let her talk and you just listen. Don't judge or defend yourself just listen to her and try to take on board and validate her feelings. She needs you to do that.
I hope you can hang in there and things work out Ok for you all. My daughter was hell on wheels for a few years but she is a true gift now. You might see your daughter as a rude, lazy brat now. But the day is not far off when she will be a lovely young woman and a pleasure to know. And you will want her around more than you know.
She isn't a drunk. She isn't a druggie. She is not a waster, ruining her life. She is strong, feisty, untidy, messy, off to University...and your baby. Every bit as much as your son is. Don't lose sight of that x
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 July 2011):
 In all honesty, I have to say that it seems like you do favour your son more and your daughter's bad behavior is more of a way to draw YOUR attention, than anything else.
You haven't mentioned the father. Have you always been a single parent? Maybe your daughter has missed the presence of a father and seeing that you are more attentive and loving towards your son, resents the circumstances for it.
Look OP, agreed that your son is a special child and is suffering for no fault of his. But so is your daughter. She is not responsible for anything gone wrong,anymore than anyone else is. She has always seen you being more lenient with your son and that gets on her nerves. Honestly, can you blame her? Why do you not distribute some chores evenly? That way your son can also have something to do around the house and feel constructive.Dont treat him like a patient.Let him lead a normal life too.
OP,there has to be a balance between kids,just like in everything else. Just because someone is a problem child, you cannot throw them out. If you have given her good advice, helped when she's needed it and been a shoulder to cry on, you really haven't done her any favors. You're her mother and that's what mothers do.
I'm in no way supporting your daughter's behaviour, but rather than just dismissing it as nonsense,try to understand where its coming from. There is a much deeper reason to it.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (13 July 2011):
Hi OP
Your post made me a bit confused; does your daughter have a dad around at all? You say at the end of your post that you are your son's only parent. How about your daughter?
I have to say that your post does sound as if you favour your son. I'm sure he takes up an awful lot of your time but do you ever make an effort to spend time with your daughter? It also sounds as though your son can get away with winding his sister up or misbehaving scot-free which your daughter may not perceive as being fair, and probably isn't. Unless he is severely autistic then why shouldn't be be asked to do chores, for example? Moreover he still needs to learn how to behave in a family setting even if he does have these problems. Have you ever sat down with your daughter and asked her why she is behaving this way? I would have thought that this is the first thing to do, and then work from there. You say your daughter sees your son as the favourite- that is probably the key. From your post, however, it sounds as if you have completely dismissed this as nonsense, however, it might be constructive to actually try and address this and see what happens. There does seem to be an underlying issue. Saying you are going to chuck her out, leaving only you and your son, will probably only make this feeling worse.
I'm not condoning your daughter's behaviour, I'm just saying that there might be more going on than just her being a teenager.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): i have an autistic dyspraxic dyslexic sister 2 years my junior, an adhd boyfriend and have my own disabilities.my mum does treat my sister a little different to me and my brother, well did growing up needed to give her a little bit more attention to help her understand and cope with her problems but she gave us equal attention. it was difficult for me and my brother my sister would have mood swings, she would say some horrid things and find it hard to show any kind of affection. making us feeling like bad siblings. despite this frustration my mum never made us feel like she loved us less, she always made time for us as well as my sister, to have special daughter mum time with me."i need to concentrate on my son, who is going through a very bad perioud in his life, i am his only parent, she we are very close, but my daughter sees this as being my favourite" you chucked her out, its funny that your willing to put everything on the line for your son because he has diagnosable problems you can see. your daughter gives you emotional problems and you blow it off. sounds like youve already chosen a favourite child. pay as much attention in to your daughter, give her the same chance, to get close to you. listen to her, she has a right to voice her opinion, its a way of letting of steam especially when her brother has potential problems and your mum seems to care less because of it. she must be feeling really insecure,and unvalued. every child is equal no matter what issues they have, you can't pick between your kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Teenagers do tend to think home is a hotel.Rebelling is also typical, couple it with raging hormones and you have a monster!
Sounds like your daughter could do with some Mum time before she leaves home. Your son is schooled at home and will be there after she's left for Uni, so he gets your time.
Uni is the big unknown, perhaps she's a little scared, its a big step in her life - leaving you.
Maybe a girly day out, lunch and a bit of shopping, time to chat to each other about her, her future - tell her you will miss her, because believe it or not, you will.
And believe it or not, she will change, mature and in 3yrs be a young woman to be proud of
Good luck, its difficult I know, but hope my words help a little.
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female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (12 July 2011):
 I think you should kick her out. You don't deserve to be disrespected in your own home. You've supported her for 19 years and its time that she supports herself. Your son has needs and she shouldn't disrespect him. She needs to learn how to respect others and then she'll get somewhere in her life. But I really urge for you to pack your daughter's things and have them outside when she comes home. She wants to learn the hard way so you should teach her. She'll resent you for it but eventually will realize what a jerk she's being. And if she holds this against you for longer than you expected, then that's just unfortunate but she put this on herself. So kick her out. As for your son, I do think you should give him some responsibility. He's not completely disabled so don't baby him so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): I'm young, but i understand what your daughter is going through. I'm a middle child, and last year my brother was diagnosed with ADD and my sister went through a bad breakup. My parents didn't have enough time for me, and it did feel like i was given all of the housework and they were spoiled. It felt as if my problems were insignificant, and I'm still a little bitter about it. (for the love of God my sister only went out with him for three months! And my brother has been given medication to help him deal with it!) I have painful memories of even on my birthday my parents overlooked me to attend to my heartbroken sister (broke up the day before). My parents have apologized, and I'm on good terms again with them and my siblings. However, that year is still within me, and sometimes I get angry again. My point is, to be a good mother you must treat your kids equally. Your son is going through a tough time, but if he gets babied then he'll never learn how to be strong and independent. And when you do baby him it makes your daughter a little more bitter towards your son, and your son doesn't need more problems because you made a mistake. You beed to apologize, and focus equally on your children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): She is now an adult and she must behave like one. She has not been able to do this with your support so now it is time she does this without you. She needs to learn responsibility and the only way she will is if she doesn't have you covering for her. She came back because she knew how good she had it with you and obviously she doesn't appreciate it. You must now focus on your child who does need you and you are the primary caregiver for. Unfortunately, you have to kick her out until she proves herself and shows respects. You are enabling her to continue this rude and inappropriate behavior.
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