A
male
age
36-40,
*pence642011
writes:My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years this month and have been engaged for just over a year. We are both students (she's in nursing school and I'm in med school), but plan to get married when she is finished (next year) because then at least one of us will have a source of income.3 weeks ago, things seemingly couldn't have been better. That week though, my fiancee called me and wanted to come over to talk with me. When she got there, she told me that she was really sad. She didn't know if she was sad because of me, school, or some other reason, but she was. She said that for the first time in our relationship she was seriously considering calling everything off and breaking up. She ended up telling me that she wanted to make it work, but was pretty unenthusiastic about it. Since then, I've talked to her a few times but she still just tells me that she doesn't know what she wants to do about us. She finally opened up to me the other night and told me that sometimes I say things that hurt her feelings and that these things have just been building up inside of her until they just burst. She feels like they are indicative of differences between us and she doesn't know if we can work through these differences.I, however, don't think that these differences are too much to work through. They're things like the fact that she comes from a large family and I come from a small family and that I've said before that I'm not a fan of surgically altering one's body but she has gotten a boob job and wants more work done after she has kids. Not that I'm dismissing them, but I don't think they're deal breakers. I know I'm not a perfect guy but I want to work at treating her perfectly. I told her that I'm still in the stage of learning how to be a husband and that I'm willing to see a professional, either with her or without, if it helps us work through our communication problem. She told me those were wonderful things to say but that they didn't really change how she felt. In 3 weeks we've gone from being totally intimate (physically and emotionally) to the point where she barely wants to talk to me or even hold my hand.I also spoke with her mother and best friend, looking for advice on what to do and they were both as shocked by her turn as I was. They told me they have no doubt I make her happy so they don't know where this has come from. Are these normal pre-wedding jitters/second thoughts, or are these serious doubts about our future? I'm treating them like serious doubts and it's destroying my day-to-day life. What can I do for her to help our situation? I don't want her to think I don't care, but I also don't want to push her so hard that she doesn't want to work at it anymore. I know she has a lot of outside stress in her life (school, friends weddings, etc), but I feel like she's treating our engagement as the only stress she can get rid of. Do I have to just wait it out?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (6 April 2010):
Time apart may help you both.
I'm not saying go "on a break" as that is just an excuse to cheat for people who don't have the balls to break up.
I'm saying, give each other some space. She needs to go out with her friends, relax, stop thinking about it. She needs time to realise how much she would miss you if she let you go.
So tell her, that IF she wants you to, you will leave her alone for a while so she can make her mind up. Set a time frame of 2 weeks or something and then don't contact her at all in that time. (But sending flowers with a nice note saying she's beautiful won't hurt after 1 week.)
She's very young and it's no wonder she's having doubts about committing to one man for ever.
I married young, and I know I missed out on a lot of first kisses, but I also know my husband was totally worth that. She has to be sure too.
Good Luck!! xx
A
male
reader, A Man +, writes (6 April 2010):
It sounds like her excuses are silly grasping at straws. She's probably just depressed and really confused as to why. Sometimes there is no why and it's extremely frustrating to figure out. I've heard of brides getting cold feet about a change in life, but this sounds a little more serious. Maybe she never really considered what was about to happen to her life until it got this close to actually happening.
I think the best thing to do is have HER see a psychologist about her depression, not your relationship. He/she will help her figure out the emotional blocking. Plus, it's likely she'll tell him things she might be scared to tell others. He'll advise her on the best course of action.
It's very important that you in NO WAY insinuate that she's crazy and needs help. Just tell her that you think she's going through a depression and professional help could be the key. But let her know that you love her and your willing to wait for her to figure this out. Tell her your willing to put a hold on all the wedding stuff if she feels that would help. Just be comforting and uplifting. Try to steer clear of relationship conversations until she figures out whats going on inside her. She could make very bad decisions under the influence of depression and you could both end up not where you want to be.
I hope this helped, peace be with you
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