A
female
age
36-40,
chigirl
writes:I've been an aunt on this site now for quite a while, at first I started as an anonymous, until I finally took the step to make an account and dare to be identified somewhat. As I've gotten to know a few people on here, albeit still strangers online, I thought I might tell a bit more about myself, and my background. This is the first thing I want people to know. In particular it is about how one person changed my life. From my very first memories I had no feelings. My first memories go all the way back to kindergarden, some random images from even further back. But the things I remember clearly start from the age of 5 and up. I didn't care about anyone, and was emotionally numb. I thought I had always been like this, born this way. Who knows. There were only two people in the world that I showed emotion to, and that I cared for and had feelings for. They were my mother and my brother, the ones I loved with. Everyone else could die and I would be indifferent. Even my father, even my aunt that we stayed with every weekend our dad was supposed to have us. My father never had a place to live, so we were always at my aunts. I could go on about my father for ages, but there's not room. Maybe I will write about growing up with him in another article one time. For now I will just say that he was a mentally unstable man. And they say mental illnesses run in the family. As a child I was aware of this, aware of how I was different from others. At school I didn't make a friend until I was around 8, two years after I started school. I didn't want to make friends, I preferred to be alone. I won't go on telling in detail everything about my childhood, but I want to paint a picture, so that you can understand. And maybe it can help someone knowing this too. As a child I only made friends to loners. Those who were by themselves, and had no one else. The first friend I made was an overweight girl, who had to change schools because she got picked on at her last school. No one wanted to talk to her at my school either. Except me. She later told me I saved her life, because I was the only friend she had back then. I'm upset at myself because I felt nothing for her in return. She was only there as someone to entertained me. Later in school I continued the same pattern. I had to change schools because we moved, and got about 1 friend for every new school I went to. In total I went to 4 schools before I started high school. So what was I like? A huge part of how I was then is still with me. I wanted to be alone. I liked telling myself stories. I had a vivid imagination. I'd often dream off during classes. I observed people and their actions. I felt that I knew how to interact, but that it was a choice I made to not interact. When I was 12 I remember looking at a group of girls thinking "they are like me, only I have more of it". With that I meant, everyone has a part of them that wishes to be alone. But that part inside of me was so much larger. I hated people looking at me, or giving me compliments. I didn't even know what to say in return. I didn't like to show myself to others. Needless to say perhaps, I didn't follow fashion. All the way up until middle school I was left alone, but then at 13 a boy in my class decided he wanted to start picking on me. I was the outsider, so this was natural enough. I ended up in several fights with him, although I usually won, and things didn't get bloody. I told my mother about how he picked at me in school, and she was shocked. I didn't really care. I was more annoyed by the matter than hurt. I still only wanted to be left in peace, and he was an annoyance, always coming up to me, talking to me, seeking a reaction. Screaming into my ear, stealing my things, spitting at me, kicking me, pushing me to the ground, standing on my desk in recess. I could no longer sit quietly at my desk, so I started going to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet during recess. Just to be alone. Sounds tragic, doesn't it, and it sounds like something that would have made others cry. But I didn't cry. I really didn't care at all. I was annoyed. About a year into this he got called out by another student and the teachers made him stop. I didn't want the past year to repeat itself, and so decided I would find someone I could leach onto. I knew that if I was with another person, I would be left alone. One day I was staring out at the school yard from the classroom window. I saw a girl that appeared to be hiding behind the parked cars. She was just standing there, for the whole lunch break. After about 15 minutes or so of staring at her, 5 minutes before lunch break was over, I decided to go down to her. She was a loner, like me. At the time I didn't know anything. I didn't care about her, she was just someone I sought the company of so that I would be left alone myself. So that I wouldn't be picked on and bothered. I am sorry that I was so selfish. But back then, I had no feelings. I simply didn't know how to care for another human being. My grandparents had passed away the year before without me caring at all. Because the only people I cared even the slightest for was my mother and brother. The only day I took off of school that year was to go to my grandfathers funeral. I watched my mother cry and felt uncomfortable because of my own lack of emotions. I was 13 back then. I knew I should have felt something, but there was nothing there. I knew nothing about my new friend. She didn't say much. But she compared herself to me an awful lot. She wanted to be skinny. She said she was fat. One day her mother called me and asked me to make sure she ate something. That is when I understood that something wasn't right about her. But I was never told the truth. No one told me what was really going on. Only later was I told she was anorexic, and she was put on medication. The "happy pill" as they called it. I talked to her every day. I went to her classroom every day, and she was often with me after school. And I went to her place, met her mother, met her sister. We had many of the same interests, despite both of us being socially inadequate. I feel ashamed now, for all the things I thought about her, and how I just used her. One day she didn't show up at school. I called her at home, and her mother said she was ill. That is all I got to know. I was not allowed to visit her. For two weeks she was gone. Then one day I came to school there were rumors about someone having jumped off the bridge. I knew it was her before they told me. She had taken her diary, some other personal artifacts, and her backpack. It took the police two days to find her in the ocean. It is horrible to know that at the time of our goodbyes, she always used to say "and if we don't meet again, it was nice to get to know you". Something I brushed off as nonsense back then.After that everyone were so nice to me, since I was her only friend at school. I didn't feel a thing. All I thought was that this was too bad, because now I was alone again. At her funeral I did not cry. I knew I was supposed to. But I could not. My psychiatrist, that I went to see 4 years later, told me she though that as a child I might have been schizoid. I associate myself with the schizoid. Although, for me it was not a permanent state. About a year after my friend committed suicide, I "woke up". It was then that I understood that the world I used to know, I could only feel in shades of gray. Suddenly, I saw colors. Suddenly, I felt sorrow. It took me a year, and out of random, I felt this intense sorrow come over me. I went to the bathroom, and cried my eyes out. That is when I realized, that I missed her. I cried ever since. Often every day, for 4 years. Maybe my feelings had been there all along, and now all of them came out at once. Ever since I have been quite the emotional person. I cry easily. I have empathy. I have the ability to love. I made friends. The years since then I have had to learn a lot about humans, about communication, about controlling my emotions, and about socialising. I am still the oddball who slips up and doesn't always follow "normal" social codes. Some times I wonder, if it hadn't been for my friend, would I have ever woken up? Would I have ever known what love was like? So for this, I thank her. And hope that she can forgive me for not having valued her while she was alive.
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anorexic, overweight Reply to this Article
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 This was a very interesting read, thank you for sharing.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 this is a beautiful article.
It really touched me. What a journey you have been on. What an amazing awakening to the emotions and the happy and sad events in our world. I am so sorry you lost yor friend when you weres so young.
I know for me that meeting my mother in law didn't seem earth shattering at first, at the beginning she was my boyfriend's mother. But I can say that her legacy was to become a very important role model and she has taught me so much.
So I know I would not be the person I am today without the very important and very positive influence and wise guidance of my very loved mother in law
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A
female
reader, naley  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Truly touching article you have written. Thank you for sharing your story. xx
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A
female
reader, shristi  +, writes (1 October 2010):
it really touches the heart and matches with most of the persons' life.. while studying your article i felt as if i am going through my past life. The only difference is that you have waken up and i still am going through. dont know until when
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A
female
reader, Duckyhelp +, writes (27 September 2010):
 wow, this nearly brought me to tears. i enjoyed reading it, even after the sadness :/
im glad your life has changed and you appreciate life now :)
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A
male
reader, vas11 +, writes (21 September 2010):
 great... thx for posting, a very unique situation that u faced
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A
male
reader, RON_499  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 That Was a really moving article...thanks for posting it...its really touching...and if ure having problems with your emotions,just let em out and if no ones there well we're here arent we!
Take Care.
^_^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): i'm truly touched. Thank you, you really never know who you are touching...or who is touching and changing you. It really makes you stop and think. hugs, mal
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A
female
reader, itzy.21 +, writes (3 July 2010):
 wow, i usually dont like reading but i got really into it..
..and well thanks to her your into reality...
...well keep up with the good articles. :)
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Yes very honest. I can relate to some of the things you felt as a child i.e. no emotions. I was abused as a child and i felt unworthy, no friends, quite, shy. I couldnt maintain friendships,, i could take, it was the 'giving bit' I couldnt do. Eventually I talked myself into being more assertive at 19 yrs of age, but still very selfish in my acts and behaviour then I had my child and learned to love someone apart from myself. Now I am a Foster carer and my work is very therapeutic because I can help and understand children who need a caring hand and heart. Some people go through live with no 'awakening'. I feel sorry for them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2010):
chigirl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This article is so moving, and it must have taken you a lot of courage to be so very honest. Thank you so much for opening up to us all on here. I am glad you decided to create an account and "show yourself" on this site, I think you are a fantastic agony aunt and give great advice. If you do any more articles I will be very eager to read them!
I don't know what your beliefs are about death, or if you have any beliefs at all. But, well, I guess I am thinking that wherever your friend is now, I am sure she will be happy for you, to see how you experienced this sort of awakening to emotions and life. She was obviously going through some difficult problems, and no doubt your friendship helped her a great deal and was a comfort to her, even if it may not seem like that. No matter what your reasons were for hanging out with this girl, I'm sure she gained a lot from knowing you. And you got something from knowing her. So for that reason, I believe there is nothing to forgive. For various reasons, you were together for that time, and learned from one another. To me, that is part of what friendship is all about.
I don't really know what else to say except thank you again for sharing some of yourself here. I really enjoyed reading your article, and I'm sure this will touch a lot of people. xxx
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