A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been single for all my life and it's about to change. The dynamics of letting someone else have the reigns or at least to be the "head" of our relationship/marriage is hard for me to bite. I am so used to being independent and not allowing anyone else to help figure out things that I am so used to doing on my own or even questioning any opinion or thought arriving decision. Because of this, arguments or maybe disagreements happen. Is it normal for engaged couples (including married couples) to fight on a nearly weekly or every two weeks basis? My fiancee and I are very head strong. When I have an opinion, I don't want him to question me. I want him to just listen and not ask for more information. I want him to just either keep quiet and not say anything or just agree and that's it. I don't care for his opinion. Already, just saying this I feel guilty. He says the only reason he asks is so he can understand or learn more about where I'm coming from. I told him that if I wanted his opinion then I'll ask for it, otherwise, no, I don't want to know what he has to say. He doesn't like that at all. He also believes that a woman isn't always right. My aunts and female cousins (and the husband of one of my female cousins) has said that regardless of what a man may think or feel, the woman is always right. I used to not believe that cause I always felt there was always two sides to every story, but as we get closer to the wedding date, I am now beginning to think that he should carry on that mentality...that the woman is always right no matter what. That he should obey me no matter what he thinks. He should also take me out every night (my girlfriend said that her new boyfriend (she only met him a month ago and he's got money to spend on her) takes her out every night and buys her flowers and candies every time they go out or just becuase. He already sent her a bouquet of flowers every week so far and they go out every night...but as of now, they can't cause she's sick). My girlfriend says that my guy should be ashamed of himself considering he doesn't take me out every night and that a fiancee should do more than take me out only once or twice a week. That's puny. I reminded her that he works and that he works at night. But still, I am jealous that she gets flowers every week. Am I wrong to feel upset that he doesn't do as I say and not buy me flowers every week? I feel guilty sometimes for thinking this and think maybe I am being narcissistic. I don't want to chase him away, but I also don't want him to be the head of the household nor the king of the hill as far as our relationship/marriage is concerned. I want to be the top of the relationship. I want to be the "king". Ugh, I am at a bind. My girlfriend says a man should take a woman out almost every day of the week and buy her meals and flowers and sleep with her within a few weeks and my family says that a woman is always right no matter what. I am getting so sick of all of this. I don't want him to feel small and incapapble of pleasing me. He is a very loving and compasionate man and has said he'd do anything for me. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your wonderful advice. As time goes on, I am so fortunate to have all of you agony aunts. Having the support and advice really helped me to realize how lucky and special I am to have a wonderful man in my life. My goal is to make sure that our relationship is not only full of love and respect for one another but also for the relationship - marriage. If our relationship is to grow, I need to make sure that I also love and respect myself. I appreciate you all for opening my eyes. Thank you so very much.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I agree with Fatherly Advice, you don't need to change drastically at all. Remember he loves you, he loves who you are don't doubt yourself OP, don't doubt that you're the one he wants and that you as you are now are already a kind loving person that he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
You're not selfish, awful, inconsiderate or any of those things you listed. Parts of your attitude were but not you, do you understand? Would someone who is all those things be considering how she can be the best wife ever to him? No so you know you're none of those things.
Be careful OP, be careful not to destroy the woman he has fallen in love with by completely changing. In fact all I see you need to change is the worrying part, you could lighten up a small bit and that's all really. Lighten up about all this.
Counseling will help but don't doubt for a second that you are worthy. He loves you and is going to stick by you.
Again fatherly advice is right, so far the dynamic of your relationship has worked and you know too that all that stuff you've been listening to from your friend is wrong but the same applies to me and all the other posters here OP. None of us are completely right either. So take the good parts of what we say and ignore the criticism. Take what will work and use that to benefit you.
You have a nice 2 year relationship, don't let doubt in yourself nor your ability to be a good wife and partner spoil that.
Because judging on your followup this all stems from your lack of belief in yourself. You comparing your relationship to your "crap at love" friend was an act of self doubt. Even your promise to change who you are is down to this.
Stop doubting yourself OP, stop looking at us and your friends for answers, you already have all the proof you need that you're worthy, lovable and person this guy wants to be with forever. How much more proof do you need?
Find a way of believing in you and your relationship, find a way to relax and not panic about this, realize that he is as lucky to have you, as you are to have him. Life only gets better OP you're over 2 years into this now you must be doing something right.
Talk to your man, tell him it was just a bit of panic, you just want to be the best wife possible.
OP I was very damning in my first post here and that was only a response to your post, the attitude in your post, it wasn't a response to you or a judgment on you. In fact I did say that was not the attitude you liked. But it's that attitude that was flawed OP not you.
Please stop comparing yourself and your relationship to others, we're all different. Yours is working well there's no need to make big changes. If it aint broken then don't fix it. Just lighten up about it and enjoy it.
Just a note on equal partnerships to clarify. I actually think it's kind of misleading to say equal, symbiotic or complementary are better words, because we're not actually equal in all things. I'm bigger, stronger and fitter than my girl, I'm the fixer of broken appliances and things she's useless at that so she'll trust me to be right about things like that. She's better with money, so she sorts out the bills and unless I'm fully sure, 100% sure that she is wrong I will not question her on financial matters. She's the organized one that knows where we're supposed to be, how long it will take to get there and what trains etc we have get when. I'm the bag carrier in those situations and she's in charge of all that. I'm the conflict solver in our relationship any problems she has with anyone, or any of her friends have I'm the one who clears all that up, I'm also the one who cooks and I'm the observant one who can analyze things quickly and form a quick solution to things I'm not easily fooled by anyone and I don't let people walk all over me, while she can be too trusting of people.
My point is we both bring something to the table, our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other and in certain aspects of our relationship we are the dominant partner, make sure that any change you do make you don't take away what you bring to the table. Your analytical independent nature is a strength, I suspect not many people can pull the wool over your eyes, the only issue you have is that you try to apply what you see other people doing to your own life when that's not at all necessary.
Focus on you OP, not what what we or anyone says or thinks, you're already doing everything right. Get rid of this thing you have of doubting yourself and comparing your relationship to others and you'll be fine.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Hey OP,
You sure raised some hackles with your first post. You are right that there does need to be some changes in order for a relationship to work but I do need to add some caution.
Remember that I said that his headstrong attitudes were certainly part of what attracted you. Well that isn't all. He is very likely attracted to you because you are strong. You don't need to give up being strong, but you do need to realize that he is feeling a lot of the same feelings that you are.
I also need to apologize for saying that you were in no way ready for marriage. I know that to a woman in your age group that can be quite hurtful. What I should have said was that your opinions as posted indicate that your relationship is not ready for marriage at this point.
I have seen relationships with two dominant partners before, and I know that it can work. In one particular case I'm pretty sure it was the only thing that would have worked for that woman. When both partners are head strong they do tend to butt heads more often. The number of fights you will have will not compare to other couples, so don't try to compare your relationship to others. Do be careful not to be abusive to each other, either emotionally or physically. He's not wrong because he is a guy or because of some imaginary genetic default. It's just that your (possibly equally wrong) opinion differs from his. Keep away from making it personal. That is much easier to say than it is to do.
You got a lot of advice saying that a marriage is a 50/50 partnership. While that is true, I got some valuable advice from my mother before I got married. When both partners age giving in 65% of the time you will be in an equal marriage. This is particularly true for you.
Proceed cautiously. Counseling is never a bad idea. You didn't get this far without something to base the relationship on. Be careful of the advice you get from others, your situation is certainly not like theirs. And, what works for one couple may not work for another.
FA
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Heart Healing (Poem to say aloud)
Place your own
healing hands
on your own
broken heart
with the gentleness
and with exquisite care
the care
you would afford
a tiny frozen bird
you found
there on your doorstep.
With your gentle
healing hands
speak in your touch
of warmth and love
of your desire
to make whole
what once was broken,
of your desire and your will
to right what once was wronged.
Whisper softly,
I will do
what I can
for you,
my little love.
Fear not.
I am here for you.
For sure, I am no angel
but what I have to give,
I give to you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 January 2011):
Religion often helps when the heart is closed and bitter. Try searching for "loving kindness" (metta) on the internet... Buddhist philosophy or read about the love of Jesus Christ (Christianity)
I'm not religious, I'm atheist, but the lessons that religion teaches is to first love and forgive ourselves, and then love and forgive others.
You've been hurt and that damages the heart badly. Repeat "I'm worthy of love, and I can give and receive love" as a way of protecting yourself from negativity that may bring you down.
Thought it was all nonsense myself, but the bloody thing actually works to soften and heal the heart and bring about miracles.
Good luck to the both of you. You can make your future beautiful, don't let other people destroy it.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Ok, well I'm glad you've had this realization... but don't pressure yourself too much about what you have done. Don't become depressed or over-compensating. I understand the need to build a wall up and protect yourself from harm, and most guys out there are a-holes, but you've got a good thing (from the way it sounds). I'm glad you apologized :)However, like I myself have done in the past, I'll realize the way i'm acting and then fall right back into routine. This behavior is a habit, and an addictive one! Being so 'manly' has a sense of power that is addictive, and makes ya feel better. Breaking this habit will be hard as hell, and you'll need to remind yourself daily about the wonderful gift you have. When you get frustrated about something or believe something needs to be different, stop yourself and think of a positive thing he has done that you know will make you smile. These happy memory thoughts have helped me bite my tongue more than once! I do still recommend seeing a therapist, and maybe just for yourself. Not saying you're a nut case by any means, but this process will help you understand what triggers this behavior and how to curb the dominance you maintain. Taking this step can only cement your relationship further, being that while you better understand yourself then you will both be better at communicating. Now go make him his favorite meal and try to figure out some things that he really likes to do :)Good job hun!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,
Thank you so much for your feedback and your advice. I am so ashamed of the person I have become. It's as if I've allowed my anger and jealousy and selfishness take over to what can be a death to my relationship. I've realized what a self centered b*tch I was when writing that post. It is a real post, by the way, and after thinking about it over night and talking with my fiancee, I've realized that in order to have a loving marriage, I first need to work on myself and most importantly, I need to open my eyes to the wonderful man I have before me. I did talk with him last night and we talked a lot however we didn't come to a head. Instead, it got worst. I got up this morning and I didn't like the person I was. I don't want my fiancee to feel less than a person than I am. He is an important part of my life and most importantly to our future marriage. I called him up today and apologized to him for the way I've been acting - childish, inconsiderate, a b*tch, self centered and selfish, and not recognizing him or allowing him to share his opinions or thoughts so that he can better understand me as a person and a friend...and you know what? He still said he loves me and can't wait to see me. I'm not worthy. I feel awful for the person I've become. He has been always compassionate and considerate. I've realized from what all of you were saying is that if I continue on with the path I'm going on, I will definitely lose him. I don't want to lose him. Part of it is that after all these years, I sometimes think I'm not deserving of a loving man. I've only known men who would hook up with other women behind my back or one who wouldn't talk to me, after I tell him why I'm upset, and he wouldn't talk to me for weeks at a time. I've become that person and just thinking about it makes me sick to the stomach. I don't want him to feel that this relationship is not worth fighting for because of my behavior. Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart. Men deserve to be treated the way we want to be treated - with respect, love, dignity and the freedom to give an opinion or at least to communicate openly...and much more. You are all also right that I shouldnt' be listening to these other people in my life. Honestly, my one friend who goes out everyday and has flowers every week, she hasn't had a relationship last for more than 5 months. She was upset that my guy proposed to me after 2 years of dating. She couldn't understand what he saw in me and I in him. I love my guy and I would rather have him than a bouquet of flowers every week....thank you everyone. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 January 2011):
FA regarding men in the woods... you are old enough to know the answer to that particular question.
I've been thinking... Original poster you behave badly towards this man and he still wants to marry you. There is something about you that attracts him. As everyone has said, please stop listening to silly women who talk nonsense.
Look into your heart. Do you love this guy, do you want to spend your life with him. Are you frightened? Is this a case of cold feet before your wedding?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): wow
WOW you sound like me! You should never compare your relationship to others that will only hurt you and even confuse your feelings. My fiancé is like yours I keep telling him to give me flowers and he just doesn’t. Out of the two years that we have been together he has only given me two bouquets of flowers and he knows that I love them and he still doesn’t do it. I recently got fed up with him and asked him why and he told me because he rather buy me something that I really need . He does take me out every week to eat or to just a simple dollar movie it just all depends on how much money he has. But I don’t believe that your fiancé should take you out every day and bring you flowers every week either. Just focus in the love that you both have and learn to work problems out together because a relationship should always be 50/50. And yes we do fight all the time but he has a way of always working out the problems and talking them out so they won’t happen again. If you don’t talk to him he will just keep doing it or you will keep doing it and the problem will always be the without a solution.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 January 2011):
Oops,
I forgot to answer the question in the title. "How often do engaged couples fight?" At least once. I firmly believe that any couple who hasn't had a fight just isn't communicating.
FA
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 January 2011):
Well it has already been said, but to put it bluntly. You are in no way ready to be married. You don't want a husband you want a dog. I'd suggest an agreeable breed like a Labrador.
Two other things.
There is something about this headstrong guy that attracted you to him. There is some reason that you like to spend time with him. A reason you go back to him even when you have fought. I suspect it isn't his good looks or his bedroom gymnastics. I bet it is because he is strong enough to stand up to you.
And, on a completely unrelated topic. There is a joke amongst men that you should share with your female relatives that are wrecking your relationship. "If a man is alone in the woods and there are no women there to hear him, and if he says something, Is he still wrong?"
FA
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (17 January 2011):
ok, first of all, women are not always right. Second- men and women actually mentally process information and creativity with solving problems in different manners. It does not mean that its wrong or right, but constructively discussing your opinions on a matter may make the answer for the situation better or stronger than one person's alone. It's like brainstorming at a meeting-everyone has a say. Also, you need to learn to open up, break down those fortress walls and surrender a little bit - or else your b/f soon to be husband is going to resent you a lot, then the relationship will go to hell. Find some couples counseling- this may be an atmosphere that he'd feel more comfortable talking to you because this sounds like you're emotionally abusing him a lot already. Otherwise, seek some counseling for yourself and Apologize to your fiance for being such an @ss. I know if my b/f treated me the way your treating your man, I would have left by now! It's ridiculous. Honestly, you're behaving like a self-centered teenager. If this is an honest post by the way. Flowers everyday? or every week? I've only gotten flowers once in the nearly three years my b/f and I have been together-and thats because they were on sale! You're getting married, maybe he's more worried about the cost of that or the honeymoon or monthly bills. I would rather go on an awesome honeymoon than have my b/f spend $10-20 every week on flowers (and that's being modest). It sounds like you have a good man, but it also sounds like you're very abusive to him. Start treating him right or else you don't deserve him. Men are not there to dote on women and act like subordinate dogs that occasionally get sex when they're on really good behavior. Try to place yourself in a country where women are abused daily by their husbands because they looked out the front window or forgot to scrub the floor, where women are property rather than a spouse. There women don't talk back, offer their opinion, must give everything they have to make their man happy, and are always wrong-- that's the same way you're treating your man. He is your equal and he deserves the credit of being so.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 January 2011):
"I told him that if I wanted his opinion then I'll ask for it, otherwise, no, I don't want to know what he has to say"Why are you getting married? Why don't you just get a dog who will follow your commands without question."The woman is always right no matter what. That he should obey me no matter what he thinks." It's not sensible for you to get married. You don't know how to share or communicate, you don't respect or value other people, you seem to only like the sound of your own voice. Don't get married, you'll be divorced within 3 months.How do you manage to keep friends or keep a job with your self-centred, narcissistic, arrogant attitude?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Enroll the two of you into counselling for people about to marry. And pay particular attention on how to conmunicate.
Surely your rude way of communicating has met with people distancing themselves from you?
As I read I though perhaps you were joking that you would speak to others so badly, not wanting to listen to others views. But you present serious about your way of communicating. So I have to conclude that you think your way is OK.
It is not OK. It disrespects others if you really speak to others the way you (assert) that you do speak. It is a shocking way to speak to others.
Someone has taught you some very destructive rules that are a one way ticket to divorce. Below are some of the things that have been found to be the real truth:
(a) Happy engaged couple who enjoy being co-operative and mutually respectful to each other rarely fight.
(b) Fighting daily is not helful, it's destructive
(c) The woman in the relationship is NOT always right
(d) One person is NOT 'in charge' of the relationship. Instead their is a mutual co-operative synergy of 2 people with mutual respect for each other and ut.
(e) Your girl friend should stop immersing herself in a fantasy view of relationships.
(f) If you want to be KING all the time in the relationship then book the divorce lawyer now. Marriage IS a partnership.
(g) Just saying things like ''I don't care for his opinion'' is incredibly rude. Do you not have an ounce of empathy and understanding? Your relationship will suffer,if you think you can ignore a partner like that.
(h) What is the attraction in belittling your partner with illmannered remarks like,
''if i wanted your opinion i'd have asked
for it''
(i) Lol. No one goes out every night. That's a recipe for disaster. Sometimes one goes out to something important to themselves. And their partner stays home. Or vice a versa,,
Instead of they enjoy cooking together, maybe go to the gym together. Paint a room together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I don't think whether a person is right or wrong has anything to do with their gender. The woman is always right in a relationship? How so? That makes no sense. That is the most fallacious statement I have ever heard. It's like saying, all dogs are harmless. Not sure what you guys are arguing about, but what is right to one person may be wrong to another. A relationship is about compromise. He is supposed to be your friend as well as your lover. It is sad that you treat him like your subordinate instead of your equal, instead of your friend. It is sad that instead of appreciating his good qualities and the nice things he does for you, instead you are comparing him to other people and constantly finding his "faults." Secondly, let your friend talk all she wants about her boyfriend. You don't need to be comparing your relationship with hers. Nor does she need to be doing this either. For all you know, (and for all she doesn't know) he might be cheating on her. And that is why he brings her so many flowers, to cover up his tracks. Or for all you know, she is lying. It is nice and all that she only tells you the good side of him but how do you know she is not hiding other information? You don't. You need to stop being so concerned with what other people think (especially the people you are talking to) and have more of your own character and your own personality. A relationship is not a set of rules that you impose on another person. As in I am right you are wrong and that's that. That's awful. A relationship is what you make of it. Everybody's relationship is different. Love and respect is the glue that holds all relationships together. You are showing your fiance neither love nor respect. And your mentality is going to get real old, real fast.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): "He also believes that a woman isn't always right."
He's right, no one is always right.
Is this an actual serious post? No offence OP but I haven't read such a big pile of nonsense in a long time. Let me explain what I mean. Firstly no one is always right, we're all capable of being wrong, that's life and you know it. You know this yet you choose to compare your long term relationship to that of a friend who is only going out with a guy for one month, seriously?
"That he should obey me no matter what he thinks." Bullshit, do you want a slave or a partner? Because if you want a partner then you'll share your life not dictate his. I can't actually believe you consider this okay, your head has been filled with nonsense by a girl who has only had a boyfriend for 1 month, which means all her other relationships failed, which means she isn't actually an expert on this kind of thing at all is she? We'll see in another few months with this new guy how it goes for her, because it's only a month in and he's still trying to win her over that won't last long at all.
"Am I wrong to feel upset that he doesn't do as I say and not buy me flowers every week?" Well that depends, do you respect him as a human being with thoughts and feelings, desires and needs or do you just want a mindless slave to cede to your every demand?
If you want flowers every week then tell him you like flowers. But frankly I would keep them for special occasions.
You know what OP, you sound like you have a great relationship with this guy already, why are you comparing it to your "crap at love" friends one month fling? Why?
Is this just cold feet ahead of your wedding or what? Or are you just sitting there listening to your friend go on about how perfect her new guy is? Because that will fade OP, this new guy won't keep being her sucker for long, it's just not sustainable and you know that. She's in for a big shock when the honeymoon period ends and he stops putting in as much effort, that's assuming he even sticks around that long. Because you know what? Not many of us guys want to be with a demanding control freak that thinks she should have her way on everything and her opinion is always right and should never be questioned, you wanna know why? Because we're not dogs looking for a master, you are not always going to be correct on every decision and if it effects the two of you and you make a bad choice then he gets screwed too.
OP good relationships are partnerships not master/slave relationships.
You see the thing is OP, thinking like this makes you feel bad and guilty so you know in your heart it's not the right way for you. This actually not what you want. You care about this guy, you love him, he matters and so does his opinion. You might be stubborn and used to getting your own way but he deserves respect too doesn't he? You're not marrying an absolute fool are you that needs to mothered and told how to live? I assume you want this guy because he's thoughtful, considerate, loves you and would do anything for you and I know you feel in your heart that he deserves the same respect.
You just need to stop listening to your friend, she really doesn't know what she's talking about. 1 month OP, that's it. Her "perfect relationship" with guy who buys her flowers has only known her 1 month. Are you really that naive to think she knows anything about love when she hasn't managed to settle down at all yet at her age.
I'm in my early 30's and have a relationship now of 5 years. A successful and very loving relationship, you want to know how we are so good together, because we're partners. We share our lives, share our opinions, we listen to each other and consider each others desires, needs and views. We make decisions together, I trust her to point out when I'm wrong as I cannot possibly always be right.
We're equals, I value her opinion as much as my own and I will listen and adapt my opinion if she is right, she does the same.
OP I know this what you want, I know that in you is a loving caring person that wants a partner and not a slave. So please trust your own views and stop comparing your fiance to a man your friend has only been with a fecking month. You know well that they don't compare at all.
In fact your friend should watching what you're doing and learning from you, not the other way around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I think you should take some time before you get married. Your maturity level is of someone who is in their late teens early 20's and you have a lot to learn about having a partner, communication, give and take, etc.Your comparison to your "friend's" relationship is just wrong and her advise is so skewed it's pathetic.You need to learn to listen to what other people have to say. It doesn't mean you have to do anything with the opinion, but respect your man enough that he cares enough about YOU to have one, for crying out loud. If you need to vent, then TELL him you need to vent, you don't want feedback, you just need to spill.Your selfish and one sided attitude is most definitly going to push this guy away eventually... You have a lot to learn about being in a relationship, the give and take and respect. What have you done for HIM lately??? It's not all about you. Your man needs to feel important, needed and wanted (just as we do)...if he doesn't, he will surely withdraw from you and seek out someone who does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I really don't think your friend and family are helping you at all with their 'advice' of course there are two sides to an argument, No one is always right. He doesn't have to be king why is it all or nothing? It is a partnership you have to learn to give and take.
Are you sure you are ready to get married, wanting to be taken out every night and getting flowers every week?
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A
female
reader, princessvenus9 +, writes (17 January 2011):
 First of all, a relationship, whether it is an engagement or marriage; is an opportunity for two people that really love each other, to share pieces of themselves to each other to make a balance. Meaning, everything should be 50/50. There is no right or wrong, just two people that decided to mend their lives together to make one whole new person. There is no head or boss in this relationship, just partners. If he is the one, then you must respect his opinions, whether you asked for them or not. Sometimes, someone else's input on something can make you see things in a different light. No one is ever always right whether you're a man or woman. You just have to find a middle ground where both can agree or find a solution that works for the pair of you. When you both take that blessed plunge to say, "I do!". It means you are both ready to share that one life together, not just your life alone and his life separate. That will never work! Companionship, Love, Honesty, Life, Relationship, all takes a lot of effort and work. It is up to you whether you want to give yourself in whole, like he wants to from the time he proposed. You should complete him as he completes you by making you happy with the little things that are more important than going out every night and buying you flowers every week. I love flowers too, but my fiance is not a fan of buying flowers. He always says that they die faster than how much he loves me. Material things is not important. What brought you guys together should be the foundation of what's going to make it last a lifetime.Many Blessings,Jenny
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