A
female
age
41-50,
*erbera
writes:I'm at my wits end, please help!I met my boyfriend last feb. He works away alot and i see him most fri-sun but i dont mind because I love him. I moved in with him last year which was a big commitment for me as I've been divorced for ten years and have no family back up but happy cos I felt ready. We also got a bigger place because where i was single before, there wasnt enough room for my 19 year old son and his 7 year old son, who visits every weekend. I have a good relationship with my son, he doesnt stay alot but cos of his age - studies, girlfriend, part time job etc, I understand. I have also worked with children for over 8 years now.My boyfriend's son stays over every saturday til sun afternoon and i totally support this naturally. However,there have been alot of problems. My boyfriend comes down every friday about 4pm and we eat, maybe a glass of wine, watch a movie and spend quality time together but cos we're both tired this time only lasts til bout 10pm. I have and continue to support my boyfriend even though in the time we've been together, he has been away for long spells sometimes but again, i love him and also appreciate that he wants to spend quality time with his son, i understand as a mum that kids come first but the first problem was after he had been away for 4 months last year, every weekend and still now, his son has toilet problems - he poos himself or goes to the toilet alot an its always the runs and a big clean up. Incidentally his diet is very poor as with everything else, he gets what he wants so he only eats what he wants to eat which is usually crisps, chips, fizzy pop, both back at home with mum and with dad when he's with us. I tried encouraging my boyfriend to help him improve his diet but that resulted in crocodile tears an arguments with my bf cos he 'just wanted to chill at the weekends and get no grief an didnt want to feel bad towards his son'! So cos of the arguments i backed off, even though as a mum i knew he should have boundaries. Whenever i did pursue the toilet problems every single weekend and question why he hasnt been taken to the doctors i just got backlashes. His ex apparently took him to docs an first it was a 'hernia' then he brought medicine one week that was for constipation, a year old and just a spoonful missing! The final straw was when my ex told me his ex gives him a laxative every friday night! We had a hugeeeee row cos i am concerned about the child's health but everyone else seems to be burying their head in the sand. Because of the vindictive backlashes i got from my ex i decided to back off, which is hard when that child is in my home every week! Iv tried offering my bf to take him to the docs himself but thst didnt work.The other issue is that overall the child is spoilt, which, is none of my business but my bf lets him stay up til 11pm every sat night when hes with us and i resent this because, like i said, dont begrudge him time with his son, but we hardly get 'our time' as it is. I've tried to discuss this constructively and im made to feel bad for it. - ' i rushed my son to bed because of you......i rush my son home early on a sunday because of you' even though the actual rrason is because he needs to do homework or another reason based on himself! he gets his back up an defensive because hes questioned and childish because he just wants to do what he wants an same with his child. Iv tried to give advice but he takes it in a different context, although im never pushy or interfering, just wanting to equal everything and have a happy balance for everyone. I just feel like im treading on eggshells every weekend an if i say anything towards his son he'll just turn it around an make me feel bad for asking. Although, after his son goes to bed late, he still expects me to give him 'bed time' so when i make an excuse he sulks an i know he does. He is a little childish an i understand as iv said to him that hes had a long time when its just been him an his son doing what they want but he seems to be the only person in the world that doesnt realise of future consequences this may all have, for him and his son and for us. I have tried everything now tried doing stuff as a family at weekends, i don’t step back cos i understand its hard for the boy, all the changes etc in the hope my bf will naturally start to consider me a bit more too and that im not being unreasonable but now feel like im being taken for granted and feel tearful every sunday when he leaves again! Any new tactics/advice etc pleeeeeeease!?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, gerbera +, writes (18 January 2011):
gerbera is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous male replier..
'Maybe the child is acting up because he's unhappy about his parents .......'
Yes of course I have always known and understood this. I hasve an older son and work with children so have always endeavoured to work together with him. His parents have been split for over 3 years now and yes, i completely understand and empathise what its like for him. I am in no way horrible to him and always consistent in trying to do things together, all 3 of us to gradually help him. I have also backed off sometimes to allow him time on his own with his dad because i came from a divorced family too so know what its like. I know its easier to read as that im being selfish and just thinking of my needs but trust me, I have not and have been extremely patient and giving for a long time now. I just want to encourage a happy balance where both adults and children are happy. Incidentally, the child does need boundaries like all children.
and home breaking up, unhappy about now being shuttled between them at their convenience not his, uhnappy he only sees his father on weekends, and unhappy about sharing the little time they have together with a total stranger who tries to act like she's his mother.
You are not legally related to his father so you are not "a family," the child is under no obligation to pretend otherwise, has every right to resent your presence in his father's home and personally dislike you if he so chooses for reasons beyond you're being yet another unwanted disruption in his young life. How incredibly selfish of your boyfriend to fulfill his "needs" at the expense of his son's. e anonymous male reader
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Maybe the child is acting up because he's unhappy about his parents and home breaking up, unhappy about now being shuttled between them at their convenience not his, uhnappy he only sees his father on weekends, and unhappy about sharing the little time they have together with a total stranger who tries to act like she's his mother.You are not legally related to his father so you are not "a family," the child is under no obligation to pretend otherwise, has every right to resent your presence in his father's home and personally dislike you if he so chooses for reasons beyond you're being yet another unwanted disruption in his young life. How incredibly selfish of your boyfriend to fulfill his "needs" at the expense of his son's.
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A
female
reader, gerbera +, writes (18 January 2011):
gerbera is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies guys and yes, you are all right. I think the ex has ALOT to do with it although theres not alot i can do or say about it. I have been too patient but thats cos I love my boyfriend and I give up every weekend to support him and be with him along with his son.
I have backed off about the eating although it pains me each weekend when hes in the toilet a long time!! My boyfriend constantly moans about it but after our last big argument i said that everytime his ex does or say anything i dont want to know as if i do, or give advice about it, he gets defensive and turns it all round into making me feel bad for even mentioning anything, so what am i supposed to do, not answer when he says anything as i care about him an his son!
As for the late bedtimes i still don't know what to do about that. Only option is to play tactics, but without upsetting anyone, any ideas???
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): A lot of men including myself sulk. What we dont do is spoil our kids so bad that they are unhealthy. There are different tactics,kids all respond differently to situations so there are soft and tough approaches to things,sometimes you have to pretend you havent noticed and get the child in private to deal with things. What he does is absolutely nothing,like some kill their pets by overfeeding them and learn when its too late. I know its wrong to say this but I think the child is given laxatives to inconvenience or push work to you,as the timing is very convenient. Firstly,the kid only knows what he has been taught. I have been a weekend father and have grand kids, I think the problem is the kids father either doesnt really know how to handle the situation,dreads a backlash off his ex or is too lazy to. I feel he gets his back up because he is embarrassed. You are not telling him how to do his job,you are concerned. This is your business if he is in your home and it affects you like this. Not the kids fault. I have a feeling his ex has more to do with it than is seen. I am male and I really dont know how to advise you other than getting out of the relationship.You are not a woman jealous of a child,you are concerned and do not deserve kicking in the teeth for it. I think you are too patient and need better treatment off the 3 of them. I still feel his ex is silently lurking in the background,i dont know why?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Hi. I feel for you as im in the same position. We have been living together fo 2 years. I gave up everything to be with him as it was long distance at first. His children stay every weekend and most of the holidays and believe me, there are no boundaries. They are a little older than your boyfriends son. 10 and 13 but they stay up very late treat the house like a doss house. Back chat me if i say anything to them and just tell me that it is not my house. My partner stands by and does nothing as in his eyes, they can do no wrong. We argue all the time and he works away too so weekends are our only time but the kids want constant attention. They will always come first and even if he tells you things will change. Trust me, they won't. I'm leaving this week and when the kids heard this, they shouted with elation as they see me as the bad guy. They said that now things can go back to how they were and they would get to sleep with dad again. PETHETIC. We try to help and it gets thrown back at us. I wish you luck in what you decide but it will be a vry rocky road. take care x
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 im sorry to be the bearer of bad news but i dont think your bf will change...atleast not until something bad happens to the child to make him take notice. honestly he seems very selfish and the mother seems to either be uneducated or simply she just doesnt care. if nothing changes in the childs behavior i feel your son will become resentful and start limiting his time around you. these are just my thoughts...hope they help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I would say back off a bit. The boy has a mother and a father and between them they have to set the style of parenting etc. For the brief time he's with you, just go with the flow. OK there are things that you would do differently, but unless the child is in danger I would leave it to your partner. You are just making grief for yourself, and it seems you will have little or no thanks for getting involved. It could also add stress between you and your partner. Bit your touch, I would say.
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